A codependent thread, anyone?

[PreciousChild]

Codependency has kept me in a situation that is unmanageable. I have been trying to just manage me, and only step in when absolutely necessary, but it's not enough. I have been living in chaos and trying to make the best of it when the healthy thing would have been to GTFO a long time ago.

Sorry to hear that @HealingMama. There are of course real concerns and problems caused by other people's craziness that doesn't help us feel centered and focused on ourselves. I feel that I have codependent tendencies, but the big difference between my past and now is that I am with someone who is reliable, cares about my needs (not perfectly, but enough), and is relatively mentally healthy. So I feel that I have the luxury to be able to trust my bf and believe he will actually do as he says, and I can allow myself to let go. For maybe the first time, I feel that if I fell back, he'd be there to catch me. And honestly, by having someone like that in my life, I feel that he will accelerate my healing all that much more than I could on my own. That's the thing about love: when someone else is involved, you have to lean on them for better or for worse.

 

[HealingMama]

Sorry to hear that @HealingMama. There are of course real concerns and problems caused by other people's craziness that doesn't help us feel centered and focused on ourselves. I feel that I have codependent tendencies, but the big difference between my past and now is that I am with someone who is reliable, cares about my needs (not perfectly, but enough), and is relatively mentally healthy. So I feel that I have the luxury to be able to trust my bf and believe he will actually do as he says, and I can allow myself to let go. For maybe the first time, I feel that if I fell back, he'd be there to catch me. And honestly, by having someone like that in my life, I feel that he will accelerate my healing all that much more than I could on my own. That's the thing about love: when someone else is involved, you have to lean on them for better or for worse.

That's wonderful. I'm glad that you have this in your life. My husband definitely cares about my needs but has ADHD so he will never be reliable and it's difficult.

Here's to a great healing journey for you.

 

[PreciousChild]

That's wonderful. I'm glad that you have this in your life. My husband definitely cares about my needs but has ADHD so he will never be reliable and it's difficult.

Here's to a great healing journey for you.

Thank you! That's nice that your husband cares about your needs. I think the core concern is the important thing. Whether he can meet it or not consistently is important, but secondary.

I had a pretty mixed day of focusing on myself versus on the other. I very much think that "angrily focusing on the other" based on early disorganized attachment is key to my codependency. Without any evidence, I spent much of the day imagining drama that could possibly be actual, but in reality existed only in my mind. Specifically, I was interpreting intent of my bf for various things he did and didn't do today. The intentions I was perceiving was not in my favor and I felt this urgency to address it. Until, that is, I saw and talked to him and his excitement at seeing me melted my suspicions. I have a little distance on it now and can see the difference between what I was perceiving and what was real, but I can easily imagine that in the past, I would have simply acted on my perception. Today showed me that if it wasn't for my ex's gambling, I probably would have looked for problems that needed my fixin'. And again, what I didn't do today is spend time focusing on just being okay and happy with myself.

 

[HealingMama]

I very much think that "angrily focusing on the other" based on early disorganized attachment is key to my codependency.

Mine too. Thanks for sharing your process.