General A Confession Of A PTSD Sufferer

[Nicolette]

I would like to share some information which really hit home to me the other day when speaking with someone who has PTSD. This information was given to me in trust by a special friend who has allowed me to share it here in an attempt to help Carers. It may not be right for everyone but it made a lot of sense to me.

What I was trying to understand was when a PTSD sufferer was in a stressful situation and started to "shut down" communications (perhaps even get nasty) what do I do when I'm sitting on the other side of the fence bursting with curiosity and/or suggestions wanting to help and "talk about it".

This is what I was told.......

If I am left alone by my carers when I am upset like that, not only do I feel better quicker, but I also tend to feel sort of guilty for how I'm acting, because they are so patient and understanding. So I get better more quickly and I usually apologize for how I've acted too. Whereas, if they bother me a lot, I feel justified in being nasty to them. I feel like, they are bothering me, not trying to understand my illness and how hard it is on me. They are in a sense disrespecting me, in my mind anyhow. And I don't apologize. In fact I feel resentful.

What struck me was that how the PTSD suffer felt they were being disrespected by being pushed. It may not stop me from wanting to step in and "talk about it" in the future but it may make me think a bit more before I do go pushing an issue :rolleyes:

A big thank you to the Suffer who allowed me to share this :Hug_emoticon:

 

[jods]

A big thanks to Nicolette & the person that was honest enough to share this.

Great food for thought!

Thanks again!

 

[sisu]

Very interesting Nicolette and thank you to the sufferer for sharing the insight!

It does make sense when I look back over the last few months with my ex-BF. We are still good friends, but when he was in bad shape I let him alone. I did let him know that I cared and that I was there for him if he needed me. I have noticed that he is recently and very slowly emerging from his cave. He is showing a bit of emotion and is trying to communicate how sorry he is for what he has done. Still a long road, but he is starting his journey.

Thanks!
Sisu

 

[unbroken]

I found this interesting as well, and when my g/f has been stressing I try not to help but just listen and gently offer some ideas. I've found that if I tell her how much I love her when she's stressing, and remind her that I'm on her side it goes much better than trying to 'solve' the problem.

Usually, she will tell me the next time we talk, or the next day, that she's sorry for what she said or how she said it, or for being upset like that in the first place. I just love her with all my heart.

 

[Lisa]

I have to say... I find this to be true with me too when someone pushes me and I have made it clear once that I don't want to be pushed... god help them if they push me further... if they leave me alone to be how I need to be, I am much more willing to be cooperative and try...

 

[Jim]

Very true advice from that sufferer friend of yours. Wonder who it might be. ;-) Jim.

 

[cherryblossom]

I have to agree, the more someone pushes, the more I push them away.

If they leave me alone, I have time to reflect and apologise. I almost feel that it seems childish to react in this way. But I have to agree, that for whatever reason, when I'm in a certain frame of mind, I can't bear to have any hassle. But after a while, I find myself returning to those who try to help me.

In saying this, I don't have a partner or 'carer' as such, but I do have friends who care about me. I realise that I probably push them too far some times, but I think they understand. And I always know when I have pushed them away too much, because they stop contacting me. That is when I realise I have been pushing them away.

Even trying to explain it here, sounds quite warped. On the one hand, I want someone to care about how I feel and listen to me. But at the same time I can't always explain what is going on, nor do I want to, so it feels like pressure, so I push it away. Then when I'm ready to share/talk, I realise that no-one is around, so have to go back to those friends,apologise, try to explain, and then try to talk about what is going on.

Maybe my experience doesn't really fit here, because, as I said, I don't have a 'carer' as such; just a few friends who DO try to understand.

But I suppose, something in Nicolette's post rang so true for me, that I just thought I'd add my thoughts.

I am sometimes unable to respond to my friends, and that makes me feel guilty, because I know they are expecting a response. Not many of them contact me to say, I'm here when you are ready- which is good to hear. but at the same time that comes down to me educating them on what I NEED, which isn't always easy.

Anyway - I'm lucky that I do have a couple of people who still stay by me as my friends despite everything. 'Carers', in what ever form are a god send to us PTSD'ers - don't give up on us !!

 

[Cindy]

Great sharing. It is true from my aspect as a sufferer.

One other aspect of it is:

The emotional turmoil sometimes is so complex and with the skills we have attained in therapy it sometimes takes a while to process and apply our new learned ways to the current turmoil.

As a sufferer I find it very difficult to communicate this to anyone trying to help because I'm not sure what I'm trying to do as I work my way through it. It is like learning to drive a new route to a destination using a road map.

I never mean to cut people out but that is what happens simply because my focus is so total on solving the issue in a productive 'safe' way.

From a carer's perspective I think you only want to help, support, and reassure. From the sufferor's perspective it is a distraction from their process.

Although I am sure the sufferor deep down loves the security that this brings to them and gives them an added sense of safety.

 

[Cindy]

Cherry Blossom you and I were typing the same thing at the same time. HAH!

 

[Nicolette]

Very true advice from that sufferer friend of yours. Wonder who it might be. ;-) Jim.

Your guess would be as good as mine :rofl:

 

[kers]

Excellent suggestion from your friend, Nicolette. I'd add that, at least in my case, being pushed to do anything (even share with a loving friend) is a major trigger as it recreates the trauma, in which I was forced to do or say things. So I tend to clamp down even more if urged to share! When given time and space to regain my composure and sense of safety, I am much more likely to volunteer my thoughts and feelings, and this is likely true for others.

 

[becvan]

I very much agree with the lack of respect aspect. Shutting down is a survival mechanism. It may not be a very healthy one, but it keeps you alive. If someone could not grasp that I just need to do that once in awhile, frankly they wouldn't be in my life for very long. Mind you, I don't shut down for that long either. I also will not be apologizing for it. This is not bad behavior. It's a survival mechanism. Why would anyone apologize for that? I will not apologize for symptoms nor mechanisms that have enabled my survival. I will work on more healthy ones though.

bec