A Day In The Life Of Me With Ptsd. . . .

[Saint Nik]

How PTSD can turn into S&M and not in any enjoyable sexual way!
Three characters play out in this diary - me, brain (the sadist) and the body (the masochist)!

Woke up this morning:
Me: Ugh!
Body: Groggy as f*ck!
Brain: Wait. . .are you breathing right? I don't think you're getting a breath!
Me: What?!
Body: Lungs not inflating fully. . .
Me: Whoa. . .wait, has this just happened because I've thought about it? Oh shit. . .I am starting to worry again, I've just woke up, go have a cup of tea!
Body: manages to get out of bed in it's groggy state.
Brain: Could be lung cancer (throws images of my mum when she was dying of cancer) or even a heart defect?
Me: *getting angry with brain* I've already been to doctor's and had MRI scans, scans on liver, stomach, spleen, pancreas, chest x-rays, heart checked, oxygen levels checked, liver function tests checked, blood, urine, all checked and came back fine!!!
Body: Isn't breathing well, rather shallow, irregular. Then a slight twinge inside the chest.
Me: *grab chest and grimace* it's okay. . .make the cup of tea, just panic, brain decided to be a f*cking asshole again!
Brain: I'm looking out for you!
Me: like shite you are!
Body: crushing pain in heart, around chest, can't breathe, shakes and trembles and feel I could pass out!
Me: it's okay, it's okay. . .I am safe, I am okay. . .
Brain: are you trying to convince me? You need help! This isn't normal the pain you are in. You are dying!
Me: *ignoring brain, turns to my partner* Think panic has began this morning.
He asks what are the symptoms.
Me: Heart feels like it's in a vice, can't breath, chest pains. . .feel a little shaky and I'm getting a little worried, scared even.
He reassures me. . .
Brain: And you went for reassurance again, f*ck does he know? I'm the brain. . .
Me: YEAH, EXACTLY YOU f*ck. . .AND YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF THE PAIN I FEEL AS WELL. ONE MINUTE YOU SET OFF THE SIGNALS TO FEEL THIS PANIC, THEN YOU SHIT YOURSELF WHEN IT HAPPENS AND THEN QUIZ ME WITH WHAT'S GOING ON AND EXPECT ME TO FIX IT AND FIGURE IT OUT!! *start to cry and it appears I am crying with panic to my partner, but crying because I'm in this battle and f*cking hate them!*
Brain: I am just saying get it checked out, you don't want to go early like your mum, do you?
Me: you make it sound like I am in control of when I die. . .I am not!
Brain: we can prevent it!
Me: NO. . . time and time again it's been proven you cannot prevent your death, just try your best and try live as healthy as you can!
Brain: not true
Body: symptoms change in intensity, becoming stronger, rougher, harsher. . .
Me: *cry and cuddle myself and try breathing exercises. . . try a little grounding technique*
Brain: images of me dying in the most horrific ways, shows my organs failing on me and convinces me that is what I am feeling, rather than panic. . . I try not to believe it. I am okay, I am safe. . .keep telling myself.
Brain: more images of my mum dying, flashbacks of the past, flashbacks of the near death experience.
Body: surges of electricity rushing up and down my body, creepy crawly feelings under my skin and around my scalp, shaking and rocking back and forth. . .
Me: it's okay. . .just panic. . . just panic. . .it will pass. . .*still crying*
Brain: hahahaha you look like a mad person!
Me: *open my eyes* look around my living room, picking out some objects, trying to describe them in my head. counting. . .opt for singing inside my head.
Brain: here we go. . . you can't stop my thoughts. . . none of this works. . .
Me: it's gonna pass, it always does. f*ck you!
Brain: Why not give up? Face it. . .you are dying.
Me: f*ck you. . .I am going to die, we all are, including you!
Body: starts to ache, heart crushes and not holding left arm.
Brain: looking a lot like a heart attack!
Me: *crying* it's not, it's not - now ask partner.
Brain: HE ISN'T A DOCTOR!!!!
Me: he knows the signs and patterns of my panic attacks now. . . ask him anyway.
He reassures me. . . and he sits with me and starts talking me through everything we both have learned about this schitzo tendency I can have! He even comes on this site and asks questions and everyone is helping. . .
Body: pain easing. . .
Me: thank f*ck!
Brain: it will be back. . . you know how much you like scaring yourself. . .you are in control of this! You do know that eh?
Me: Yeah. . .coz I love playing these f*cking mind games with you! Dick!
Brain: I am here for you. . .i did calm everything down? Didn't I?
Me: and started it!
Partner see's I am calming down!
Me: right. . .I was in the middle of making a cup of tea. You want one?
He accepts.
Body: functioning again!
Brain: quiet for a few seconds!
Me: what the f*ck was that all about?

And that was just a brief 10 minutes of my morning!!! And this is when it's mild!

 

[desiderata310]

yeah... sounds familiar.

 

[Saint Nik]

:sleep: <----------- I am jealous of this emoticon! How I wish I was asleep myself!

Four days I have been plagued by insomnia :depressed: and the shit thing about insomnia is? It plays havoc with my brain and body chemistry and I end up feeling jittery, anxious, trembly, shaky and sometimes I notice my breathing changes. Like my lungs don't inflate as much as they should. If that makes sense!

Anyway, been lurking around the forums (as I usually do) getting my penny's worth in, replying to threads and posts. Hoping that someone might benefit from some of the things I have learned over the past few years having this shitty PTSD! And how I cannot wait for that day when I can put up my very own thread or post in the accomplishments and success forum! :smug: I know that day will come.

I have came a long way from January this year. Hard to believe that all through out the 80s I was subjected to being abandoned by a father who wanted f*ck all to do with me, bullied not only by my mum, but an aunt too, both of them got a kick out of being sadists and loving their power-trips! Also witnessing my mum being physically attacked by my step-father. . . somehow back then I learned never to react. You would never think I was traumatized then as I always acted super :cool:, like I always had my shit together, that I was sorted! No-one knew though at the age of 7 I tried to end my life, though looking back I didn't take nearly enough paracetmol to end myself, if anything. . .I would have stopped myself from getting a headache for a few days, maybe!! :confused:

Step into the 90s. The domestic abuse is still happening and has at some point became a normal part of my existence. Every day is drama-filled in bullshit that I now know nothing different! My suicidal tendencies are happening more and more. . . I continue to watch my mum get her head put through glass window's, stabbed by her ex-partner, my own sister coming to me, wakening me up early hours of a morning with gushing, slit writs and crying for me to save her. . .
This decade is soon filled with more bullying, me being attacked by a family member, to the point she threw me down a flight of stairs. In this decade I have also been sexually assaulted, got myself the taste of alcohol and allowing other people to use and abuse me in any way they can and please!
My mum's drinking is getting way out of hand now and her nasty, emotional abuse is getting worse, and she is physically getting good with her hands against me and my sister!
I witness my first death, my Uncle dies in my gran's arms and it traumatized me! I always remember wakening up the next day after his death, in my own bed, like I awoke from a warm bath, I was that soaked in sweat and had to gasp for this massive intake of breath!

2000 has arrived. . . going into this decade I become a mother for the first time, shortly after having my daughter, I find out in the most devastating way that my ex partner cheated on me with a so-called friend. I cannot afford to stay in our flat as I am now a single-mother, I move back in with Satan herself (my mother) and the :poop: really hits the fan!
I can't even nurse my daughter without getting a punch in the face from my mother! The abuse gets worse, but I somehow still manage to protect my baby daughter from any physical abuse. . .I soon get the f*ck out of there, make my escape and get my own place! I try help my sister who is now bad on drugs she takes and withdrawls so much. I lose both grand parents and I am present at both their passing. . . I am beginning to get sick of so many losses in my family!
I am trying my best to have and live a life and get into work, decorate my own place and look after my daughter, meet my loving partner I am with now. He unfortunately has to deal with shit after shit, our relationship becomes so rocky, because of my mum and dad issue's, family issues, trust issues, abandonment issues, issues upon issues, being an adult child of an alcoholic parent! The joys of my life :wacky:

Going into my 3rd decade. . .I make a few dreams come true. I even manage to walk away from my mum and end the 30 years of abuse she caused me. . .the physical scars maybe healed, the emotional ones were now ready to heal. But, my mum was out with the lemon and vinegar and ready to douse my wounds with these! She is back in contact with me to tell me she has cancer. I fall back in to the toxic relationship with her and it became more darker, more twisted and warped and now she had her cancer to make me feel guilt, drained and horrible about myself. . .
Another failed suicide attempt and I soon get the help I need. I begin to stand up to her and no longer take her shit! Soon I have to go in for a fairly routine procedure operation! It's a success! Pulled into recovery unit and I am given some pain relief.
The NHS bastards did not flush out the IV properly. . . left inside this IV is a nerve blocker from the op, it gets flushed back inside my system and completely paralyses me. I am now laying there paralysed, suffocating, and soon within seconds flat lining. I am in recovery unit now turning into an emergency situation and I am awake and aware of all this f*cking happening. Every nurse and doctor freak out in frantic panic and with their reaction I know I am f*cked, I accept that this is the day I am going to die, I close my eyes and I see my children flash before my eyes, my loving partner and nothing much else. . .

They save me, they rectify their mistake and give me the anti-reversal drug in my system. I shoot up, sitting up in this frantic, terrorized state, waving my arms like a lunatic, they try put oxygen masks on me, I slap them away. I have adrenaline pumping inside my body and making me shake and tremble, I look like a rabbit in head lights!
Three days I was in this state for, I didn't sleep, hallucinated that much in fear that I thought I saw Jesus by my bed side and that was my time to die and he was coming for me. . . scary stuff!
One month after this happened. . .my mother dies! I am present with her.

The 1st year of her passing goes in a blur, I walk into a fog and looking back, it was a piss easy, automatic year. . .I am numb, I feel nothing! I feel something inside me died with her and I feel lost, confused and bewildered. 2nd year. . . I enter crazy land and begin to slowly lose my mind. . . panic attacks start coming at me! The 3rd year. . . physical pain hits me. My soul inside is either dying or attacking me from the inside! I am in excruciating pain, I think I am dying, especially like my mother, my body mimics the pain she was in and how she died. . . panic attacks come at rapid speeds, having them up to 8-10 times in 24 hours! I can't sleep, I am a wreck, I take a mental, nervous break down, literally I have a melt down. My body and mind are no longer mine! I walk into my own horror show, my mind replays over and over every bad thing that has happened, making me face every corner of my mind, things I have forgotten about, things I buried deep, deep down. . .it's all rising and rising against me! Hit with flashbacks, after flashbacks, horrific images smashing into my skull.
I get medication from doctors. . .but it's making me worse.
I feel pain, terror, horror, fear, panic, sheer crazy-I-am-going-to-jump-out-the-f*cking-window-panic! I am hospitalized 27 times in January. I am scanned, checked over, tested, and everything is coming back fine! Mental health now intervene! I am beginning to go into suicidal ideology and soon enter a state of pure psychosis! I am so close to being sectioned!
Physical symptoms reach their peak, I lose my mind in my partners car, screaming my head off, hitting my head off the dash board, hospitalized once more, my dignity gone, my sanity. . .gone!


I get into intensive therapy, the real work begins. I get off medication. I stop the lot and I start searching online for self help, I begin meditation techniques, I become self-taught and research as much as I can about recovering from narcissistic parents abuse, recovery for adult children of alcoholic parents, I read up about PTSD when I was diagnosed, I read about c-PTSD (also diagnosed), anxiety and panic disorders, depression, etc. I reconnect with my partner and kids, I take my dog out for walks, I just learn to slowly breathe and regulate my breathing, I look up at the sky, I take in the scenery, I cherish my life and the loving people in it, I take each day as it comes, each moment as it comes. I enjoy the simple things in life, like a cup of tea and a chocolate biscuit, the feeling of clean sheets on my bed after a bubbly bath, the scents and smells of fragrance candles, comedy shows, company of comforting people, typing up shit, journalling, reading books, sleeping (when it happens), I allow feelings, sensations to arise in my body without the urge to fix or control. I listen to Alan Watts and Mooji for some guidance at times. I hate suffering from insomnia, but I appreciate that insomnia is in no way the mental break down I had took! I found this site and read so many stories and feel comforted I am not alone and never have been. I feel I can help with my own experience, sometimes others have helped me and I have learned more about PTSD whilst being on this site!
And now I just wait for that day when it comes, when I can finally put up my post in the accomplishments and success and say - I did it, I finally overcame PTSD or either overcame my fear of it!

My life in a nutshell! And after typing that, now I feel like :bag: but in truth I am gonna. . .:coffee: instead! :laugh:
One step at a time. . .baby steps, soon I'll be crawling, then walking, then running and then I'll be like Neil Armstrong and can say his famous quote, " One step for man, one giant leap for mankind!" :roflmao:
Not ready for the giant leap. . .but that's okay. I am still here and I can look back and wonder what the f*ck and how the hell I managed to survive all that!!! I still to this day have no idea!

Thanks for reading! :happy::hug:

 

[Saint Nik]

I dedicate to @andy81 you are not only my best friend, you are my guardian angel, the love of my life and my soul mate. You basically saved my life and grabbed my hand and pulled me through the lava, burning myself, scraping myself on the rocks. . . but you never let go of my hand. You never led me, or stepped behind me, to push me in any way. You were always by my side, showing me I can do this, like a cheer leader. You are my equal staying by my side! :inlove:

I love you. Thank you. I wanted to broadcast right now to you how much I am grateful and appreciative of getting the chance of meeting one out of 7 billion? An exceptionally, amazing human being as wonderful as you! Wow! I really got lucky! :hug:

 

[Saint Nik]

Okay, so started dealing with a lot of :poop: from my past. Isn't great to say the least, but it's part of my recovery, I suppose! :(
Haven't slept at all last night, can't stop thinking about the past, but the positives?? There is no dissociation or depersonalization happening, like it use to when my brain started to take me down the murky, dark, demonic paths of hell! It's more a reflection, but not in a contemplative, fondly type way at all. :O_o: Just going through the motions, wondering what I can do today to keep with my recovery. Though I haven't slept, I have started my day with some breakfast, had a laugh with my kids, chatted away with my hubby and feel so much gratitude for this site to just come on here and feel free to express myself as much as I feel the need or urge too!!!
What a life saver this site is! :happy:
Need some energy. . .time for a :coffee: and found my other addiction, these little cute thingys -----> :hug:
Safe to say I am having one of them good days today! Sometimes I am wary of good days, because when the bad days comes (or setbacks) they always hit me so hard, like a wrecking ball into my torso and winding me so much, but it never hits me hard enough to destroy me to the point of ending me! Just leaves me in this constant state of physical pain with chronic physical symptoms!
Jeez, you can see I am just rabbiting on here, it's keeping me awake typing :poop: :roflmao:
Hope I sleep tonight, fingers crossed. Usually when I can't sleep and plagued with insomnia, my body and brain chemistry go a bit mental with the usual suspect of anxiety and it brings with it the company of a couple of panic attacks to follow, and completely exhausts and drains me. At the moment (fingers crossed - touch wood lol) I seem to be okay, my body strangely feels neutral. I haven't felt this normal in like. . . . . ever! :cautious:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You have suffered and endured so much in your life and I am so happy for you that you have a partner to love and to love you and your children. I am so glad you are having such a good day.

 

[Saint Nik]

Just read over my past. Thing is, it's just a skim over, a brief description. . .living it for 34 years? Well different story!
It's the beginning of this year though I keep thinking the most, when everything came back to punch me in the face. Where I felt like a boxer and it smacked me right off my feet and floored me. It is the medical staff I actually have an issue with, actually, still to this day.
Not only did the NHS cause my severe PTSD with the operation (well, when I was in recovery) they took away my deepest core belief and gave me a new one - I am not safe!
That feeling of not being safe, even to fall asleep in my own cozy, comfy bed! Not even feel safe that my body is functioning right, that I for months believed I wasn't breathing right!! Even my mind would throw up images and thoughts inside my head like a youtube video on replay, had it's own playlist, began as soon as I opened my eyes, through out the whole day, until I lay in bed again to fall asleep. . .even played while I slept when I went into full R.E.M.
Images of me dying a slow, torturous and painful death. Or images of me witnessing more deaths around me and the constant fear I was going to lose my partner and children!!! It was a case of what next? What trauma is coming to me now? Some days I still think and feel this way!
The images inside my mind were so graphic, so horrific and I could never find the pause, skip or stop button on it. And what was worse, the more these images played, physical symptoms kicked off, only convincing me, tricking me into thinking - " Oh shit, it's happening, what I am thinking is actually happening right now, I am gonna die!" and never having an explanation to these thoughts and images only made it all the more real and more panicky!
Getting back to what I was talking about with the doctors. January comes, so happens to be the month my mum died in! Coincidence?!
I go to the doctors, I had just quit smoking. I ask if the symptoms I am experiencing are normal? He said they are, he offers me anti-depressants or sleeping tablets. I have a slight phobia of medication due to the NHS paralysing me with the IV after my op in recovery!
I go home with the symptoms of not being able to sleep, just feeling dissociated, foggy minded, dizzy, like stepping on a boat and it rocks. . . and that was just walking in my house! Had this lump in my throat for weeks, hardly able to swallow and just seemed to be quite catatonic at times!
I am back to the doctors in a week, new symptoms start appearing on top of the ones I have just mentioned - chest pains that last for 3-4days, trail off and then come back for another 3-4 days. Stomach problems, excruciating cramps, churning pains, like my bowels are in knots! The doctor again, offers me anti-depressants. I look at him like he is the idiot. Here is me thinking he is going to say " It's symptoms of quitting smoking. . ." Okay, I don't think quitting smoking would cause anyone such pain, but I was looking for reassurance and just the doc to say " It's okay, will probably pass in a week or so. Keep with the stopped smoking, you're doing well!" My make believe head can cause me so much shit at times!
I go home yet again. Once more, refusing anti-depressants, but I am back again and this time he looks at me like I am the idiot and this is what he actually says to me - " If you were my patient in the 1950's I would section you!"
*I look shocked, so took aback - simply no reply or comeback for him!*
" This is Psycho-somatic symptoms due to PTSD!"
I reply, " Okay, can I get some therapy? Would that help?" I am still thinking it's got to be because quitting smoking, the physical symptoms only sparked off when I quit smoking. . .
" I think you should take anti-depressants!" he insists.
I again refuse, sent home and this time disappointed as he prefers I go on anti-depressants before he puts me on the waiting list for therapy!
After that crap experience, I get severe chest pain, feels like I am taking a heart attack. I am hospitalized, told it was a panic attack and sent home!
Next few weeks, now mid-January. . . I notice I am not breathing right, my body tingles all over, my lungs don't feel like they are expanding and inflating fully. I stomach is in agony, I keep being violently sick, I am not crying and bed ridden and get a doctor out. Again, they say " It's a panic attack!"
I look at him like he is an idiot, I scream at him, " YOU CAN'T BE f*ckING SERIOUS!!! LOOK AT THE STATE OF ME???" he leaves me in bed and once again offers me anti-depressants and pain relief. I accept his pain relief as the pain is getting worse. Later that same night I am back in hospital as I start to feel dizzy, weak, lethralgic, I feel my blood is curdling inside my body, somehow I have convinced myself I am dying like my mum. . .more images come through and the physical symptoms make my scary hypochondriac thoughts more realistic and believable!

Shortly after the hospital, I am every single day slipping out of reality, losing my mind, screaming all hours, wakening up my partner and frightening him, he watches me rocking back and forth in this panic, frantic state. I keep thinking any second I am just about to die. Now my insides feel like they are on fire. My heart is crushing into this vice, my liver feels like it's gorging, my bowels are twisting, churning and in knots, my lungs just wont inflate right, my breathing is so shallow, so laboured. . .my eyes clenched tightly, crying, shaking my head no repeatedly, keep telling myself - " I am safe. It's okay. I am safe. It's okay. . ." I never believe it, not once!
Back to the doctors, I give in and take anti-depressants. . . I have no clue what is happening to me and in hindsight it's fair to say the past I have came out of was of course going to come back to me and have to deal with it. . . and here is me thinking it's because I quit smoking!!!
I am on these anti-depressants and get my first horrible experience on them. Firstly, I start to feel like this zombie and become even more super alert, hypervigilent and suddenly become aware my breathing is slowing right down. Now, when I take panic attacks, what happens is my heart usually races that much it's like it's hammering right out my chest. Not this time. . .I literally feel my heart slowing down and my body feels like it's going paralysed!!! Every flashback and memory hits me of the operation. OH NO!!! IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN AND THIS TIME I AM GONNA DIE!!! I can't scream, but seem to have enough adrenaline rush to run to the car and get my partner to drive me to the hospital!
My lips are tingling in the car, I feel I am gonna black out. I am lifting my bum out of my passenger seat as he drives. He keeps telling me to breathe. I can't. . . I can't catch my breathe, I look at him in horror, I feel I am about to die right there and then. My heart is so slowly beating, even starts feeling like it's missing beats. I feel weird chemicals around my lungs and there seems to be no exhaled breath, and soon the chest pains are tense, tight and becoming more intense, coming in waves. . .
It's another panic attack, I burst into tears. I cry, " Why is this happening? What can I do to help myself?"
I am told I need mental health specialists now!
It's coming close to the end of January and I have been suffering this whole month, okay, 2 years prior it was off and on. . .I got breaks and okay days, January though came and it's been every single day.
Every day in the last week of January, the pain is becoming unbearable now. My chest and lungs feel they are on fire, my neck and jaw burn up so much. I am screaming in pain. . . I can literally hear these earth shattering, curdling screams coming from my own mouth. . . I am smashing my head off the dashboard in the car, begging for the pain to stop. Now having visions to run out the car and jump infront of oncoming traffic!
I finally see a mental health specialist as I now become an emergency and no longer on the waiting list. I have now become incredibly and frighteningly scared for my own sanity - or lack of it. Literally I have now lost the plot. I am seen straight away and diagnosed with PTSD, c-PTSD, anxiety and panic disorder, ACoA, Abc- xyz disorders (okay, this is made up, there was that much letters been thrown at me I couldn't help but say to my therapist - finally I get letters after my name, I feel like Royalty!)
She talks me through everything that is going on and how I am in this terrified state and now my adrenaline is just gushing and rushing into my system non-stop now! I am literally tingling all over, my body is shaking and trembling, it's like my muscles cramp, ache all over, I am exhausted and drained. I constantly cry non-stop. I feel this month has traumatized me more than my whole life has! I could quite easily go through my 34 years of shit than this month!!!
I believe I wont make it to February. I stare at the calendar and feel frightened at the prospect of dying soon. Still believing I don't have long, surely panic attacks, PTSD do not cause so much physical harm to the body, surely doctor's have misdiagnosed me and I am dying, they just have missed the signs! I told myself so much bullshit and believed it!

Next up. . .reaching February and surviving to my present day. . . .

 

[Saint Nik]

February comes. . . I lived. I am in absolutely agony as the adrenaline starts to subside and my nerves tingle so much I feel every-f*cking-thing! I take baths, but I feel so freaked out by the bubbles in the bath, I feel the steam from the hot bath is suffocating me. . .I have to get out. When I get out, I feel washed out, weak and it's like I have internal bleeding. . .
I cry, wishing it to stop. I can't do this anymore, stop the planet, I want off!
February was more sleeping for me, wakening up with horrible depression, lowest mood possible. That bad I couldn't be bothered with killing myself, but the thoughts were always there. This is not a way to live. I got back on the cigarettes!
I let myself down, but I had to have something. I don't drink, I can't. . .alcohol, or should I say hangovers bring on 3 day panic and anxiety attacks for me, so I quit!
Soon as I started smoking again. . . I felt slight relief, though with so much guilt that I had quit smoking for a month!
I started to believe these symptoms would leave when I started smoking again. They didn't!
March was panic after panic. . .but they were no way as bad as January!
April, I go out with my hubby and kids for Easter, first time I had actually got up, showered and went out as a family! I feel nervous around crowds, I can hear chattering all around me, it's very similar to my head back in January, how busy my mind was! I feel my legs wobble as I walk. . .soon the breathing becomes laboured and I have to sit with panic attacks at an Easter egg hunt thing at this local park with my hubby and kids! I refuse to flee or run away, I face my panic attacks and it was horrible. . .especially with crying in front of people and they look at you so strangely!
May - June. . . up and down, but adrenaline and scary thoughts are easing, though they keep coming back and forth. . . I see progress, though at times I doubt it and disbelieve my own abilities to cope!
Now in this month. . . it's been up and down, but more ups. . .just insomnia that is plaguing me! It's shit, but I would rather have this symptom than January!!!! Good thing though about this month, I found this site and ever since I have, the insight and enlightment I have found! :happy:
Have no idea what is going to happen in the future, but I now no longer plan ahead. I can't. I never see a future for me. I live for the moment. I live for right now, because for me it's all I have! Hopefully more updates coming will all be about positive progress with recovery, with only minor setbacks or hopefully none at all. . . I have hope:

H- Holding
O- On
P- Pain
E- Ends!

:)

 

[Saint Nik]

I am so glad you are having such a good day.

Aww thank you @gizmo right back atcha! I too hope you are having a good day!

Just had to get this all out, plus it's keeping me awake. I don't want to sleep today as I will wake up during the night and be up all night again. So, my logic is; stay awake now, sleep better tonight :hilarious:

Thank you for your kind words and support, it means a lot! :hug:

 

[Saint Nik]

The year 2015. . . . hmmm, year of recovery and healing? The beginning was definitely falling into the pits of despair and looking up at the manhole I fell through closing up on me. Just to look around and find I am in this hell, it was a maze of hell. Felt like there was no way out, each turn I was back to square one again. Stuck in this maze of hell! On my f*cking hands and knees. . . begging to get out, praying to a higher power come and save me or either quickly take me away!
We are now half way into this year. . .I just hope 2016 offers me a winning lottery ticket, maybe a holiday or two, more peace of mind and a decent night sleep every night! Is that too much to ask for? :joyful:

 

[Saint Nik]

I ask if the symptoms I am experiencing are normal? He said they are, he offers me anti-depressants or sleeping tablets. I have a slight phobia of medication due to the NHS paralysing me with the IV after my op in recovery!
I go home with the symptoms of not being able to sleep, just feeling dissociated, foggy minded, dizzy, like stepping on a boat and it rocks. . . and that was just walking in my house! Had this lump in my throat for weeks, hardly able to swallow and just seemed to be quite catatonic at times!
I am back to the doctors in a week, new symptoms start appearing on top of the ones I have just mentioned - chest pains that last for 3-4days, trail off and then come back for another 3-4 days. Stomach problems, excruciating cramps, churning pains, like my bowels are in knots! The doctor again, offers me anti-depressants. I look at him like he is the idiot. Here is me thinking he is going to say " It's symptoms of quitting smoking. . ." Okay, I don't think quitting smoking would cause anyone such pain, but I was looking for reassurance and just the doc to say " It's okay, will probably pass in a week or so. Keep with the stopped smoking, you're doing well!" My make believe head can cause me so much shit at times!
I go home yet again. Once more, refusing anti-depressants, but I am back again and this time he looks at me like I am the idiot and this is what he actually says to me - " If you were my patient in the 1950's I would section you!"
*I look shocked, so took aback - simply no reply or comeback for him!*
" This is Psycho-somatic symptoms due to PTSD!"
I reply, " Okay, can I get some therapy? Would that help?" I am still thinking it's got to be because quitting smoking, the physical symptoms only sparked off when I quit smoking. . .
" I think you should take anti-depressants!" he insists.
I again refuse, sent home and this time disappointed as he prefers I go on anti-depressants before he puts me on the waiting list for therapy!
After that crap experience, I get severe chest pain, feels like I am taking a heart attack. I am hospitalized, told it was a panic attack and sent home!
Next few weeks, now mid-January. . . I notice I am not breathing right, my body tingles all over, my lungs don't feel like they are expanding and inflating fully. I stomach is in agony, I keep being violently sick, I am not crying and bed ridden and get a doctor out. Again, they say " It's a panic attack!"
I look at him like he is an idiot, I scream at him, " YOU CAN'T BE f*ckING SERIOUS!!! LOOK AT THE STATE OF ME???" he leaves me in bed and once again offers me anti-depressants and pain relief. I accept his pain relief as the pain is getting worse. Later that same night I am back in hospital as I start to feel dizzy, weak, lethralgic, I feel my blood is curdling inside my body, somehow I have convinced myself I am dying like my mum. . .more images come through and the physical symptoms make my scary hypochondriac thoughts more realistic and believable!

Shortly after the hospital, I am every single day slipping out of reality, losing my mind, screaming all hours, wakening up my partner and frightening him, he watches me rocking back and forth in this panic, frantic state. I keep thinking any second I am just about to die. Now my insides feel like they are on fire. My heart is crushing into this vice, my liver feels like it's gorging, my bowels are twisting, churning and in knots, my lungs just wont inflate right, my breathing is so shallow, so laboured. . .my eyes clenched tightly, crying, shaking my head no repeatedly, keep telling myself - " I am safe. It's okay. I am safe. It's okay. . ." I never believe it, not once!
Back to the doctors, I give in and take anti-depressants. . . I have no clue what is happening to me and in hindsight it's fair to say the past I have came out of was of course going to come back to me and have to deal with it. . . and here is me thinking it's because I quit smoking!!!
I am on these anti-depressants and get my first horrible experience on them. Firstly, I start to feel like this zombie and become even more super alert, hypervigilent and suddenly become aware my breathing is slowing right down. Now, when I take panic attacks, what happens is my heart usually races that much it's like it's hammering right out my chest. Not this time. . .I literally feel my heart slowing down and my body feels like it's going paralysed!!! Every flashback and memory hits me of the operation. OH NO!!! IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN AND THIS TIME I AM GONNA DIE!!! I can't scream, but seem to have enough adrenaline rush to run to the car and get my partner to drive me to the hospital!
My lips are tingling in the car, I feel I am gonna black out. I am lifting my bum out of my passenger seat as he drives. He keeps telling me to breathe. I can't. . . I can't catch my breathe, I look at him in horror, I feel I am about to die right there and then. My heart is so slowly beating, even starts feeling like it's missing beats. I feel weird chemicals around my lungs and there seems to be no exhaled breath, and soon the chest pains are tense, tight and becoming more intense, coming in waves. . .
It's another panic attack, I burst into tears. I cry, " Why is this happening? What can I do to help myself?"
I am told I need mental health specialists now!
It's coming close to the end of January and I have been suffering this whole month, okay, 2 years prior it was off and on. . .I got breaks and okay days, January though came and it's been every single day.
Every day in the last week of January, the pain is becoming unbearable now. My chest and lungs feel they are on fire, my neck and jaw burn up so much. I am screaming in pain. . . I can literally hear these earth shattering, curdling screams coming from my own mouth. . . I am smashing my head off the dashboard in the car, begging for the pain to stop. Now having visions to run out the car and jump infront of oncoming traffic!
I finally see a mental health specialist as I now become an emergency and no longer on the waiting list. I have now become incredibly and frighteningly scared for my own sanity - or lack of it. Literally I have now lost the plot. I am seen straight away and diagnosed with PTSD, c-PTSD, anxiety and panic disorder, ACoA, Abc- xyz disorders (okay, this is made up, there was that much letters been thrown at me I couldn't help but say to my therapist - finally I get letters after my name, I feel like Royalty!)
She talks me through everything that is going on and how I am in this terrified state and now my adrenaline is just gushing and rushing into my system non-stop now! I am literally tingling all over, my body is shaking and trembling, it's like my muscles cramp, ache all over, I am exhausted and drained. I constantly cry non-stop. I feel this month has traumatized me more than my whole life has! I could quite easily go through my 34 years of shit than this month!!!
I believe I wont make it to February. I stare at the calendar and feel frightened at the prospect of dying soon. Still believing I don't have long, surely panic attacks, PTSD do not cause so much physical harm to the body, surely doctor's have misdiagnosed me and I am dying, they just have missed the signs! I told myself so much bullshit and believed it!

@theshadowoftheliving

This is a long read (entirely up to you if you wish to read it all) but I get you I really do. I understand you are disheartened, feeling you are being pushed by the way side and brushed off with mental disorders and truly believe something isn't right and you feel you are simply not being heard and I even get it angers you so much because you physically feel these symptoms on a daily basis. If you do read a few posts of mine (unfortunately I am about to send you right around this site, hope you don't mind) and if you relate with my story it might help and if you have any more questions to ask, please feel free. . .but if not, I hope you do find another doctor to get your second, third, fourth opinion!!! You need to find peace of mind and that is their job to help you achieve that!

 

[Saint Nik]