A lack of friends is a 'red flag', apparently?

[mamachick]

I can understand someone saying that in a general conversation. If seeking a partner, would expect them to already have some social contact. I think the "red flag" may make the person ask why? do they not get along with others? I would not take any comments like that to heart though. I find it a red flag when a person tries to take another persons inventory. I prefer my dogs friendship much of the time. I dont feel lonely most of the time and like being alone. I get to gage my own needs just like everyone else here....and it does not mean I am flawed or anyone else is. I am not an introvert either. I am just to tired for the BS. I have very few friends but they are good friends. Our choices for friendships come from our personal experience. I tend to be a caretaker so many past friendships have not really been equal, its been me listening to the others problems or drama because I am attracted to very imperfect people. They are much more colorful. Allow yourself to be who you are. Yes, too much isolating is not good for ptsd. However, I have been finding it very comforting right now and that's what I need most of the time.

 

[RVA21]

The thing is, I know that I'm liked, people do like my company. Sometimes it's too much and I had to tell them I only wanted friendship, nothing more. And that lost me friends. I think the person's comment just felt like it kicked me when I've already been down. Thanks for all the different viewpoints everyone. I am looking at it more logically now.

 

[Tinyflame]

I have lots of friends, and have fallen out of touch with others not going out (with them), or keeping up contact. I don't blame them, either.

But tbh, I am doing all I can with the strength and energy I have to muster.

Also, it depends, we have different interests, lives, tastes, thoughts, lifestyles. For example, even if I were a new mom, I can't see myself talking endlessly about diapers. Four minutes, -sure. But then on to something else. Same with recipes, or (or, or..). Or spend hours clothes or market or housewares shopping, or hair, nails etc, just not my thing. I'm ok with most of it very short term, but then it's just not for me, I'm either bored to tears or getting not much out of it.

I find though great friends are different than good friends. Sometimes the relationship is more giving/ receiving, and some people understand better than others (and are understood better than by others), more trustworthy, more good to their word. More caring, really.

 

[Autumn Breeze]

I am working through Pete Walker’s book Complex PSTD: From Surviving to Thriving. I’ve been surprised to find that my PTSD is more severe than I thought. I’ve been isolating for the past five years, since my second marriage ended. I just feel I can’t go through another romantic relationship. I’m a social person, but I just can’t trust anymore. I can’t see living with anyone anymore. This book explained to me that this is not unusual, for my type. It made me feel both better and worse. It feels better that I’m not abnormal. Given what I’ve been through, my reactions are completely normal. While the book does give hope, it clearly communicates that progress will be very difficult.

The typical answer is that we require human companionship, and that we should work with others to rebuild trust and healthy relationships. I was surprised to see reference made to the possibility of working with pets as an alternative. I have labeled myself the crazy cat lady. I only have two cats, though.

I was thinking about this today, questioning how it could be argued that you could be working on a therapeutic relationship with a cat or dog. They don’t talk. They can’t lie to you. They can’t sneak around outside behind your back if they’re locked in the house all day. How are you building trust? What does loving relationship really mean?

Without words, pets communicate love and trust. They come when I call, believing I have something good for them. They know me by how I treat them. It’s that simple. When I lie down to sleep, they lie down with me for comfort and companionship, which I gladly share with them. They look forward to my coming home, and I look forward to seeing them. They trust me to provide for them, and I earn their trust Because I do care for them, and it gives me a reason to get up every day and go to work. It may not be much, but it’s real.

Love is not about being clever or witty or beautiful or talented, it’s not about what movies you love or what music you listen to. It’s just about being there and caring about someone besides yourself, and sharing your space, Time, and attention. It’s accepting and being accepted. With and without words.

Life isn’t perfect. The cats throw up on the carpet, and I have to decide how to react. The knock over the cat litter pan or go on the carpet and I have to clean up the stinking mess. They get into things I should gave put away but didn’t. They get moody don’t want any attention. Some nights I have to sleep alone. Some nights I’m moody and kick them out of bed. Sometimes I cry for days, and they are affected by my attitude. I can bring them down. But most days are relatively calm, peaceful, and loving. And it’s a relief that there is not a man screaming and yelling at me about what the cats are doing, and how I’m dealing or not dealing with the cats. I love my cats, and they love me. And none of us are doing anything wrong. We’re just living life together, that’s all. And everything should be fine. It makes me question why life with human beings is so fraught with difficulty. Life should be so simple, but it’s not.

I really want to do better than commune with cats, but it infinitely better than being tortured emotionally day after day after day with no hope. It’s OK to be alone. Sometimes that’s the only way we feel safe. But it’s also OK to reach out, even if it’s only for a few minutes. We all need reassurance from human beings from time to time. And I think it’s better for us to take time to heal properly than to dive into situations we can’t handle. It’s taking responsibility for our sanity and safety and the well-being of others. Stay safe.

 

[Deanna]

And it’s a relief that there is not a man screaming and yelling at me about what the cats are doing, and how I’m dealing or not dealing with the cats. I love my cats, and they love me

I'm afraid I would tell the man off. I probably would, without a choice of words. I like guys better than I did ( I'm a victim like you) but you have to give a human being a chance. (that's what I've learned) How do you know the next guy would scream and yell? ( you don't)

 

[Autumn Breeze]

I'm afraid I would tell the man off. I probably would, without a choice of words. I like guys better than I did ( I'm a victim like you) but you have to give a human being a chance. (that's what I've learned) How do you know the next guy would scream and yell? ( you don't)

That’s just been my experience…three for three. Dad and both husbands hated cats. I find most men hate cats. I’m not young anymore. My perspective has changed. I thought anything was worth putting up with in order to be loved. I was dying to be loved. But I didn’t feel loved except by the cats. I don’t think another relationship is going to magically make me feel loved. I don’t think a kind and understanding man is going to be the answer for me. I think I have some work to do on my own before “feeling loved” is going to be a possibility. I no longer underestimate my ability to sabotage things. I have become my own worst enemy. There is a difference between knowing the correct answer and believing in it. I think I’d better be honest with myself. Lying to myself wasn’t productive. Disassociating doesn’t get the results I hoped for. Keeping calm is not the same as not being angry. And eventually, all the pain and disappointment spews out at the worst possible moment. I plan to keep working on my CPTSD, but not sure my future involves another intimate relationship.

 

[Autumn Breeze]

I have had one true friend for over 20 years. Sometimes we talk a lot, sometimes weeks go by when we’re busy with life. But we always accept each other as we are. We are always there for each other. We are allowed to feel bad. And we always forgive. A true friend is a rare and valuable treasure. But they DO exist and they are worth keeping. You sound like someone who understands that. Hang in there!

 

[RVA21]

great friends are different than good friends. Sometimes the relationship is more giving/ receiving, and some people understand better than others (and are understood better than by others), more trustworthy, more good to their word. More caring, really.

I totally agree :)

A true friend is a rare and valuable treasure. But they DO exist and they are worth keeping.

I totally agree! And at this point in my life I'd rather have friends than a partner so I'm working on keeping boundaries when I do meet new people. I was out with someone from a meetup group yesterday and the person does seem to like me as more than a friend but I was clear that I'm not looking for anything more than friends right now :) Of course, my ex partner, who I was with for over ten years was my best friend also. I've found it hard losing that, much harder than I thought I would. We never spent a single day apart in all the time we were together.

 

[Tinyflame]

I’ve been surprised to find that my PTSD is more severe than I thought. I’ve been isolating for the past five years, since my second marriage ended. I just feel I can’t go through another romantic relationship. I’m a social person, but I just can’t trust anymore. I can’t see living with anyone anymore. This book explained to me that this is not unusual, for my type. It made me feel both better and worse. It feels better that I’m not abnormal. Given what I’ve been through, my reactions are completely normal. While the book does give hope, it clearly communicates that progress will be very difficult... than.. being tortured emotionally day after day after day with no hope. It’s OK to be alone. Sometimes that’s the only way we feel safe. But it’s also OK to reach out, even if it’s only for a few minutes. We all need reassurance from human beings from time to time. And I think it’s better for us to take time to heal properly than to dive into situations we can’t handle. It’s taking responsibility for our sanity and safety and the well-being of others.

I really like the above, and can relate to not identifying the severity. I do agree it feels more 'hopeful', to hear it's normal, given the circumstances. And actually, I think it's correct. Thank you. :hug:

Yes @Lumos quality, in my mind trumps. For me, I'd always choose that, given any options. :hug:

 

[HannaD]

someone said that people who have little or no friends is a red flag?

Correlation does not necessarily equal causation. A lack of friends could be the result of many socially acceptable situations. And even if I named a few to prove my point that could lead to the exception to the "rule" conclusion in the opposing argument. Which, hilariously to me at least, is just as illogical. Have fun with that.
Interestingly (again, probably to me) is how much learning logical fallacies have helped with cognitive distorting feelings about what others say or do.
Just watch out for the infamous fallacy fallacy. Sometimes an argument's premise may have merit despite the flawed reasoning to reach said conclusion.

 

[Whirlwind]

I love my cats, and they love me. And none of us are doing anything wrong. We’re just living life together, that’s all. And everything should be fine. It makes me question why life with human beings is so fraught with difficulty. Life should be so simple, but it’s not.

I liked your post so much! I had to laugh as well...it is a wonder it can be so challenging.

A falling out with someone has been a rarity in my life and yet my friendships didn't survive long term. I am still mystified by the apparent complexity. I can appreciate relationships wax and wane but I never understood why folks seem to take them for granted... leave them to wither and die.

I didn't get it and still don't get it. I'm not perfect but I have felt friendships are taken rather shallowly...I am without FOO and I have long had a sense that people eventually come full circle and kind of close back in with related family so to speak. In several instances it seemed to happen with my friendships and I was sort of left out in the cold not in a mean spirited way but just by default.

Interesting hearing others takes on the subject,

Whirlwind