HëllaBubz
Diamond Member
As the birth of my bubs draws closer, my first, I have something I'd like to say to anyone who has something 'helpful' to offer me:
As I've heard a fair bit during the course of my pregnancy, "you're worrying about things prematurely, just cross that bridge when you get to it."
As Grumpy Cat would say.......NO.
Over the years, I have had my personal, social and family boundaries trampled so far into the dust that I'm surprised that I even know what they are. I have a condition that makes me constantly wary, and remembering clearly all emotional memories from long ago until the present, so it is perfectly acceptable for me to want to lay my fences down clearly ahead of time.
No, nothing has been done recently to 'spark' this letter, but rather, this is an accumulation of years of crap, that now, more than ever, needs to be said very clearly. I have a child on the way, this is a life changing point and it is the pure catalyst for my finally realizing that I really need to start enforcing my boundaries consistently.
It may be a 'courtesy' to you, for me to even give this fair warning, just this once, but it is only so you can't say I didn't tell you, and say that I keep changing my mind.
There are certain experiences in my life that have made certain areas a NO-GO zone. The topics will be given to you, what is acceptable, and what isn't, and responses you can expect if those boundaries are crossed.
I guess that laying this out is to satisfy me as well, at least I know that I have done my part, and have every excuse to crack down, because frankly, I haven't done enough to ensure that the consequences discourage anyone from crossing the lines again.
After all, it keeps being done, so there alone is proof of my failure to ensure that you understand that there will be consequences equal to the amount of damage you inflict on me.
You may be my family and friends, but none of you have ever proven yourself consistently reliable when it comes to respecting my boundaries, and as a end result, avoiding hurting me. Therefore, any title you hold in my life as father, mother, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, grandparent, friend, is purely a placeholder until you fulfill the basic needs that a child should be able to expect of such a figure in their life.
Some of the things from the top of my head which I should have been able to expect, and yet learnt I couldn't from a very young age are:
Safety
Trust
Love
Consistency
Fairness
I will always be someone who tries to help other people, and do unexpected things for them just for the joy of it, but I cannot, and will not allow myself to constantly be triggered or constantly reminded of how shit they have made me feel, time and time again over the years.
As a result, my understanding now is that I can't teach my children that boundaries don't count if they involve family or friends. That circle of people should be the first place you can count on for the things listed and more.
There is something very important that all of you need to understand. I do not get up every day, go about my business, and ruminate over the mistakes of the past. Rather, I get up, and I go about doing things that will least remind me of the hurt, disappointment and mistakes of the past, because I want to leave it all behind and start a fresh life without the reminders of all that happened.
I so desperately want to take away the plastic figures with sharp edges on the shelf of my life, and put in place a person that I can love, trust and count on as someone in the vital framework of my life as an innocent human being with basic and reasonable needs. I want to love so badly, but all of you keep hurting me in one way or another, and it keeps bringing up all of the pain, disappointment and rage freshly, and there is nothing I can do about that.
When something is said or done that reminds me of those things that I'm trying to leave behind, my condition ensures that I remember them as freshly as the day that those actions were performed, and leaves me hurt and helpless in it's wake. Then I have rage wash through me because I did nothing to deserve this, and yet it steals part of my life every single day.
This is why, if I don't enforce my boundaries, Me, Myself and I, are the only ones that end up getting hurt, and that is no longer an acceptable outcome for me. Fact is, if you accept having your boundaries crossed day in day out you accept having your boundaries crossed day in day out. Plus all it does to you inside and out.
This is not good enough.
Not one of you have, from what I have seen, actively taken responsibility for your actions, seen your issues and addressed them in such a way that you will minimize the hurt that you can inflict on other people as a result of the mistakes that your parents in their turn, have taught you as a child.
I refuse to follow you in this sick and twisted cycle of life, I wish to make a difference, and end the punishment that each parent wittingly or unwittingly inflicts on their child. So many mistakes are made because parents seem to think their child 'isn't ready yet' for the things of the world.
And yet you raise us with unrealistic expectations, of a perfect world that is, yet isn't, and how everyone should act, and those we should judge and avoid, then wonder why generations are now depressed and hopelessly lost. You cannot suppress individualism, and by doing so, you create a generation of children that will hate you for, in their eyes, forcefully perpetrating the mistakes of the generation prior upon them.
Just because your parents did it, and everyone thought it was normal, doesn't make it safe, normal or appropriate. You fight so hard to be 'separate from the world' and yet you have followed everyone else like lemmings over a cliff that you saw and yet willingly followed through.
I don't pretend to assign reasons to your behavior, all I know is what I have seen, and my perspective of the world based upon your actions, but if there is anything I have learnt to do from you, and yet at the same time hate with an unmatched loathing - it is your biased, unfair, unreasonable and self justifying judgmental assessment of all around you.
If you had told me years ago that having a low opinion of one's self was selfish, I most likely would have flattened you into the dust as another self righteous person who didn't understand how things truly worked. However, now that I look upon it, after having everything taken away from me, I see that having, being aware, and continuing with a low self esteem is a very good way to ensure that change never occurs.
There may be people out there who do not have the resources to help pull themselves from that pit, and having been there, I understand, commiserate, and offer nothing more than a little more love to you, it is not your fault.
But for those of you who have taken martyrdom on as a personal hobby, who have the option and yet are too comfortable in your misery to ever change and cease inflicting your personality on the rest of the world, you have my absolute disgust and pure loathing.
People like you poison the world, and yes there may be others out there 'worse' than you, but the gravity of better or worse can only be measured in the impact of your attitude and actions inflicted on others. Since you are too self scented and deliberately blind to that impact, your self justification will continue forever, as will my loathing.
Given that my tolerance of people crossing my boundaries is really waiting for the other(s) to change, not wanting to accept that they haven't in the last 20 years, chances are, they won't in future. As such, the only changes will come from me to the degree I follow up on protecting my boundaries.
As a good friend of mine has said:
"The whole thing can start like this but at the end of the day, we have to reinforce our own boundaries again and again and again. If, on the other side of the fence, those (reinforced) boundaries are not accepted again and again and again, then I think it's time to face that people don't respect them period.
Meaning: continue having them in your life and therewith continue your own boundaries getting crossed and having to deal with all the effects that has on you again and again and again.
Yes, people can change, but if they don't they don't! It is then time to see that, acknowledge it and make yourself very aware what your choices are and that staying saying "but they don't change" is a choice, too."
As a result, there are a few things I have learnt, and will be reinforcing.
In the end I have a choice. I don't have to allow anyone to be a part of my life.
I don't have to listen to anything any more, and no one has any right to expect anything more of me.
Just because you have a title in my life, does not mean you have any entitlement to anything pertaining to me.
No reason is good enough to be sneaky, pushy, or crossing boundaries that are clearly laid out.
If I am made to choose between my family of origin, and my new family - which is also my health, the choice is easy.
All throughout my life, I have been told that parents know best, are wise, are God given, and their opinions are God given also, and are there to be respected and trusted.
I'm now well and truly and adult, and now in the position to tell you what I have thought for many years. You've had your opinion, you've voiced yourself with your 'God given rights' and now I'm telling you that those rights are OVER.
You never had them to begin with. You had to earn those things, not demand them, and no amount of bullying, persuasion, violence or intimidation will ever change that fact. You were ignorant, self centered, selfish and arrogant enough to believe that they were yours.
And now, I'm taking it all away, just like you took away the things I should have had as a child, but couldn't. I will not allow you to shove that poison on my husband and child, and most importantly, myself. Actually, I don't think I CAN take it away, because it wasn't there to begin with, but I AM letting you know that your days of ignorance, self justification and arrogance are over.
A parent has only a limited allocation of voicing they can do throughout a child's life, and you used up yours early. I am tired of your opinion, your voice, your very presence. The only thing I crave is a figure in my life that WOULDN'T do to me all the things that you did, which means I now have shadows and voids where I should have solid, real, dependable figures.
No matter if the past is the past, you have the unique opportunity of seeing how things you did in the past clearly affect the future, and blaming me for how my brain and body has responded to your mistakes, as well as others, will not make this go away.
So unless you can support me in the way that I need, not the way you think things should be, you have a few options.
Stay, and support me.
Leave, and let me heal.
Stay, and hinder me - either you will be removed, or I will cut you off for good.
I now have a new life entering my hands, and I will not stand idly by and allow the damage done to me, to be willingly passed onto my child. Too many people stood by while I went downhill, and now you have an opportunity to openly discuss, and fix the past, and help me heal, or to continue in the belief that you were right, do more damage, and not be a part of my, my husband, or my child's life.
I will continue to maintain my boundaries as appropriate, my only goal is to heal, and as I said to my husband many years ago, either help me where I need to go in order to make myself something, or get out of my way, because if you block me, I'll remove you, no questions asked.
This is not about I'm right and you're wrong, this is about me healing so that I can have the life I deserve, my husband can have the life he deserves, and my child can grow up as free of the crap from the past as possible.
I have my husband by my side, and it is my responsibility to try to minimize the effects of the past on him, he has been through so much already, and doesn't deserve it. Why are you continuing to punish him for your own mistakes?
It's not ever going to be completely free, no one, and nothing ever is, but if I have an opportunity to fix something, and I can, I will do it.
Either help me, or get out and stay out.
I wish you would change, but just as through out my childhood, to this very day, nothing ever lasts or is dependable. So I am creating something that is, that you cannot be a part of, because it is the very opposite of who you are in essence.
Yes, you do nice things for me now, and can be nice to me, but when it all boils down, I can't trust you not to hurt me, because you swing between denial and partial responsibility, but the pain still is pain, and still hurts and has an effect.
I don't think I can write a 'sign off' because this saga isn't going to end just because I vented my pain and frustration, and where I'm being hurt.
This is for my health not yours, because I'm responsibly for me, and I can do nothing for you.
And one day, something small is going to tip the scales right over, and then I'm going to be accused of over reacting.
But it won't be, it will simply be something that was a long time coming.
As I've heard a fair bit during the course of my pregnancy, "you're worrying about things prematurely, just cross that bridge when you get to it."
As Grumpy Cat would say.......NO.
Over the years, I have had my personal, social and family boundaries trampled so far into the dust that I'm surprised that I even know what they are. I have a condition that makes me constantly wary, and remembering clearly all emotional memories from long ago until the present, so it is perfectly acceptable for me to want to lay my fences down clearly ahead of time.
No, nothing has been done recently to 'spark' this letter, but rather, this is an accumulation of years of crap, that now, more than ever, needs to be said very clearly. I have a child on the way, this is a life changing point and it is the pure catalyst for my finally realizing that I really need to start enforcing my boundaries consistently.
It may be a 'courtesy' to you, for me to even give this fair warning, just this once, but it is only so you can't say I didn't tell you, and say that I keep changing my mind.
There are certain experiences in my life that have made certain areas a NO-GO zone. The topics will be given to you, what is acceptable, and what isn't, and responses you can expect if those boundaries are crossed.
I guess that laying this out is to satisfy me as well, at least I know that I have done my part, and have every excuse to crack down, because frankly, I haven't done enough to ensure that the consequences discourage anyone from crossing the lines again.
After all, it keeps being done, so there alone is proof of my failure to ensure that you understand that there will be consequences equal to the amount of damage you inflict on me.
You may be my family and friends, but none of you have ever proven yourself consistently reliable when it comes to respecting my boundaries, and as a end result, avoiding hurting me. Therefore, any title you hold in my life as father, mother, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, grandparent, friend, is purely a placeholder until you fulfill the basic needs that a child should be able to expect of such a figure in their life.
Some of the things from the top of my head which I should have been able to expect, and yet learnt I couldn't from a very young age are:
Safety
Trust
Love
Consistency
Fairness
I will always be someone who tries to help other people, and do unexpected things for them just for the joy of it, but I cannot, and will not allow myself to constantly be triggered or constantly reminded of how shit they have made me feel, time and time again over the years.
As a result, my understanding now is that I can't teach my children that boundaries don't count if they involve family or friends. That circle of people should be the first place you can count on for the things listed and more.
There is something very important that all of you need to understand. I do not get up every day, go about my business, and ruminate over the mistakes of the past. Rather, I get up, and I go about doing things that will least remind me of the hurt, disappointment and mistakes of the past, because I want to leave it all behind and start a fresh life without the reminders of all that happened.
I so desperately want to take away the plastic figures with sharp edges on the shelf of my life, and put in place a person that I can love, trust and count on as someone in the vital framework of my life as an innocent human being with basic and reasonable needs. I want to love so badly, but all of you keep hurting me in one way or another, and it keeps bringing up all of the pain, disappointment and rage freshly, and there is nothing I can do about that.
When something is said or done that reminds me of those things that I'm trying to leave behind, my condition ensures that I remember them as freshly as the day that those actions were performed, and leaves me hurt and helpless in it's wake. Then I have rage wash through me because I did nothing to deserve this, and yet it steals part of my life every single day.
This is why, if I don't enforce my boundaries, Me, Myself and I, are the only ones that end up getting hurt, and that is no longer an acceptable outcome for me. Fact is, if you accept having your boundaries crossed day in day out you accept having your boundaries crossed day in day out. Plus all it does to you inside and out.
This is not good enough.
Not one of you have, from what I have seen, actively taken responsibility for your actions, seen your issues and addressed them in such a way that you will minimize the hurt that you can inflict on other people as a result of the mistakes that your parents in their turn, have taught you as a child.
I refuse to follow you in this sick and twisted cycle of life, I wish to make a difference, and end the punishment that each parent wittingly or unwittingly inflicts on their child. So many mistakes are made because parents seem to think their child 'isn't ready yet' for the things of the world.
And yet you raise us with unrealistic expectations, of a perfect world that is, yet isn't, and how everyone should act, and those we should judge and avoid, then wonder why generations are now depressed and hopelessly lost. You cannot suppress individualism, and by doing so, you create a generation of children that will hate you for, in their eyes, forcefully perpetrating the mistakes of the generation prior upon them.
Just because your parents did it, and everyone thought it was normal, doesn't make it safe, normal or appropriate. You fight so hard to be 'separate from the world' and yet you have followed everyone else like lemmings over a cliff that you saw and yet willingly followed through.
I don't pretend to assign reasons to your behavior, all I know is what I have seen, and my perspective of the world based upon your actions, but if there is anything I have learnt to do from you, and yet at the same time hate with an unmatched loathing - it is your biased, unfair, unreasonable and self justifying judgmental assessment of all around you.
If you had told me years ago that having a low opinion of one's self was selfish, I most likely would have flattened you into the dust as another self righteous person who didn't understand how things truly worked. However, now that I look upon it, after having everything taken away from me, I see that having, being aware, and continuing with a low self esteem is a very good way to ensure that change never occurs.
There may be people out there who do not have the resources to help pull themselves from that pit, and having been there, I understand, commiserate, and offer nothing more than a little more love to you, it is not your fault.
But for those of you who have taken martyrdom on as a personal hobby, who have the option and yet are too comfortable in your misery to ever change and cease inflicting your personality on the rest of the world, you have my absolute disgust and pure loathing.
People like you poison the world, and yes there may be others out there 'worse' than you, but the gravity of better or worse can only be measured in the impact of your attitude and actions inflicted on others. Since you are too self scented and deliberately blind to that impact, your self justification will continue forever, as will my loathing.
Given that my tolerance of people crossing my boundaries is really waiting for the other(s) to change, not wanting to accept that they haven't in the last 20 years, chances are, they won't in future. As such, the only changes will come from me to the degree I follow up on protecting my boundaries.
As a good friend of mine has said:
"The whole thing can start like this but at the end of the day, we have to reinforce our own boundaries again and again and again. If, on the other side of the fence, those (reinforced) boundaries are not accepted again and again and again, then I think it's time to face that people don't respect them period.
Meaning: continue having them in your life and therewith continue your own boundaries getting crossed and having to deal with all the effects that has on you again and again and again.
Yes, people can change, but if they don't they don't! It is then time to see that, acknowledge it and make yourself very aware what your choices are and that staying saying "but they don't change" is a choice, too."
As a result, there are a few things I have learnt, and will be reinforcing.
In the end I have a choice. I don't have to allow anyone to be a part of my life.
I don't have to listen to anything any more, and no one has any right to expect anything more of me.
Just because you have a title in my life, does not mean you have any entitlement to anything pertaining to me.
No reason is good enough to be sneaky, pushy, or crossing boundaries that are clearly laid out.
If I am made to choose between my family of origin, and my new family - which is also my health, the choice is easy.
All throughout my life, I have been told that parents know best, are wise, are God given, and their opinions are God given also, and are there to be respected and trusted.
I'm now well and truly and adult, and now in the position to tell you what I have thought for many years. You've had your opinion, you've voiced yourself with your 'God given rights' and now I'm telling you that those rights are OVER.
You never had them to begin with. You had to earn those things, not demand them, and no amount of bullying, persuasion, violence or intimidation will ever change that fact. You were ignorant, self centered, selfish and arrogant enough to believe that they were yours.
And now, I'm taking it all away, just like you took away the things I should have had as a child, but couldn't. I will not allow you to shove that poison on my husband and child, and most importantly, myself. Actually, I don't think I CAN take it away, because it wasn't there to begin with, but I AM letting you know that your days of ignorance, self justification and arrogance are over.
A parent has only a limited allocation of voicing they can do throughout a child's life, and you used up yours early. I am tired of your opinion, your voice, your very presence. The only thing I crave is a figure in my life that WOULDN'T do to me all the things that you did, which means I now have shadows and voids where I should have solid, real, dependable figures.
No matter if the past is the past, you have the unique opportunity of seeing how things you did in the past clearly affect the future, and blaming me for how my brain and body has responded to your mistakes, as well as others, will not make this go away.
So unless you can support me in the way that I need, not the way you think things should be, you have a few options.
Stay, and support me.
Leave, and let me heal.
Stay, and hinder me - either you will be removed, or I will cut you off for good.
I now have a new life entering my hands, and I will not stand idly by and allow the damage done to me, to be willingly passed onto my child. Too many people stood by while I went downhill, and now you have an opportunity to openly discuss, and fix the past, and help me heal, or to continue in the belief that you were right, do more damage, and not be a part of my, my husband, or my child's life.
I will continue to maintain my boundaries as appropriate, my only goal is to heal, and as I said to my husband many years ago, either help me where I need to go in order to make myself something, or get out of my way, because if you block me, I'll remove you, no questions asked.
This is not about I'm right and you're wrong, this is about me healing so that I can have the life I deserve, my husband can have the life he deserves, and my child can grow up as free of the crap from the past as possible.
I have my husband by my side, and it is my responsibility to try to minimize the effects of the past on him, he has been through so much already, and doesn't deserve it. Why are you continuing to punish him for your own mistakes?
It's not ever going to be completely free, no one, and nothing ever is, but if I have an opportunity to fix something, and I can, I will do it.
Either help me, or get out and stay out.
I wish you would change, but just as through out my childhood, to this very day, nothing ever lasts or is dependable. So I am creating something that is, that you cannot be a part of, because it is the very opposite of who you are in essence.
Yes, you do nice things for me now, and can be nice to me, but when it all boils down, I can't trust you not to hurt me, because you swing between denial and partial responsibility, but the pain still is pain, and still hurts and has an effect.
I don't think I can write a 'sign off' because this saga isn't going to end just because I vented my pain and frustration, and where I'm being hurt.
This is for my health not yours, because I'm responsibly for me, and I can do nothing for you.
And one day, something small is going to tip the scales right over, and then I'm going to be accused of over reacting.
But it won't be, it will simply be something that was a long time coming.
