General A Little Angry Right Now...Or Frustrated...????

[justme]

Well I caved about a week or so ago and sent him a text. I justed wanted him to know that I didn't abandon him completely. In fewer words than this (again, it was via text) I told him I wanted to give him the space he needed in order work on things without having me or our relationship to worry about or get in the way. I told him I was here if he ever needed anything and that I thought about him every day. I tried to convey my sincerity about why I did what I did and that I was truly still there for him without adding a bunch of mushiness. He of course didn't respond, and hasn't yet.

I know all of this behavior comes with the territory of PTSD, but sometimes I feel like he can't/couldn't even give me common courtesy. I don't know exactly how he feels or what he is going through, but is it really that hard to respond back with a simple one or two word response?! I just don't understand the whole "no response" thing. I think this has been the single hardest behavior for me to grasp. All of his other behaviors I at least could see his point of view on (as much as I could not having worn his shoes of course). But this... I just don't get why he can't/couldn't at least respond and tell me he didn't want to talk/go with me/whatever.

I used to tell him back when we were together that if he didn't feel like talking, or going somewhere with me to just respond and let me know. I told him I would never get angry or pressure him if he told me he didn't feel like it. Never once did he say anything. He just plain wouldn't respond. I always felt as though he was ignoring me.

Although this post sounds angry and paints me as inconsiderate, I am neither. Well...yes, I am angry right now. But that is just one of the many emotions I battle on a daily basis. Sometimes I am so down all I can do is sit and cry. I love this man with all my heart and want him to be able to eventually work through this and live his life again.

If anyone could shed some light on why he doesn't/didn't respond it would be greatly appreciated.....I know things very from person to person but there has to be some general "this is why" reason, right? Or maybe there's not. I am a why person, and crave understanding the "why" aspect to fully be able to understand the situation as a whole. Sometimes I look for answers that are not there...

Anywho...I am starting to ramble and type my thoughts as they come into my head. Thanks for reading and any incite would be great.

 

[amethist]

Hi justme

I am sorry your hurting right now. Hard as this may seem, there probably is no answer anyone can give you that will make complete sense. There may well be no "Why" answer from him either, it could be just one of those "It just is the way it is" answers.

This next question for you has been asked many times on here, but it is an important one. "If you took PTSD out of this all together, and you just had a normal relationship with him. Then he did exactly as he is doing now. Would you put up with it, would you stick around, putting your life on hold for someone who did not reply to you." Most probably not, he has PTSD, but that does not mean he should be allowed to let you hang on not knowing what is going on. You have told him you will be there for him if he ever needs anything, but he is not giving you the common courtesy of even just saying thank you.

You felt like he was ignoring you when you were together, he is still doing it now.

There are many who have rough but sticking together relationships on here, but not many who would tolerate this behaviour for very long.

Please think carefully about this, you seem to be wasting your life for someone who just does not care like you do. PTSD or not, this is not they way to treat anyone.

I hope you can find a way to look at this from many different angles. Then find a way past this for yourself.

Amethist

 

[Deleted member 541]

I agree totally.....But, there are times that we do need space also...I don't know your whole story, but I just wanted to say, it isn't easy for you carers, but it also isn't easy for us sufferers....It is a fine line and only you can say if it's worth it in the end to stick with it, or to walk away...

I know that when I have asked for space, and someone will NOT respect that boundary and they cross it over and over again, even though I have repeatedly reassured them, that I just need SPACE,.. I END the relationship/friendship, because if that person can not respect my boundary, then they have little respect for me as a person.....

 

[Learning123]

Hi justme,

I'm pretty new to this, but I thought I'd share what I've learned. My friend who is a sufferer asked me last week to tell her when she does things that hurt me, upset me or make things a bit rubbish. What I'm trying to say is this, she was aware, very aware, that at times when she struggles, she finds it hard to be emotionally available for anyone else, and also to identify the moments when she is selfish or hurtful. When things go well, she can identify it well, but when things get tough, she struggles to see that she might be hurting me, and she certainly doesn't apologise, think of my feelings or the impact it has on me, because quite often, the way I see it, she can't. But the point is, she knows that and has asked me to help her identify it.

Every situation is different, but as much as it hurts, and as much as you can't see it from their point of view, sometimes you just have to accept that this is quite often about them needing space, focusing on what they need, and not having the energy to think about your needs or anyone elses. I'm not saying that treating you badly is acceptable, I think it's important that they are willing and able to reach a point where they can see that they hurt you, but the things that come naturaly to you might not come naturally to them.

When this happens, I take a walk, or read about ptsd and educate myself a bit more. Sometimes I smoke :-) You are a very considerate person, that is obvious, so remember to take care of you, be patient and bear in mind that there will be good times too. Hope that helps.

 

[justme]

I am fully aware of the fact that he will/does need space, lots of it and probably most of the time. But the problem is/was he would never communicate that with me. Ever. He would just ignore me. I asked him on several different occasions to let me know when I say or do something that had a negative impact on him or the situation as a whole. This never happened. I asked several times what he needed from me. Each time I got nothing. I guess my point is that I can't know he needed space or was not in the mood unless he said something...anything. But I was just constantly ignored.

I guess I am still in a bit of a bad mood. Again...I still love this man and want him to be able to live his life again. I am really just more venting than anything. It still makes me mad though..

 

[Learning123]

I asked him on several different occasions to let me know when I say or do something that had a negative impact on him or the situation as a whole. This never happened. I asked several times what he needed from me. Each time I got nothing. I guess my point is that I can't know he needed space or was not in the mood unless he said something...anything. But I was just constantly ignored.

I understand what you are saying, and I agree that's frustrating and hurtful and sometimes all you want from them is to show some respect for you and communicate. I can't tell you that this will happen, because from my understanding, sometimes they just aren't capable, and that doesn't necessarily reflect the way they feel about you, just the place they are in right now.

Something I've read countless times on this forum is "don't take it personally" easier said than done when there are feelings involved, but I find it helpful to apply this theory. I'm sorry you are finding this hard, and I'm sorry that you feel frustrated, I hope things get better for you.

 

[Deleted member 541]

He does need to at least be courteous to at least give you an answer, I agree. It sounds as if, he isn't willing to even do that. I would seriously rethink things over about this relationship. I know that we do need space, but even I know enough to ask, or at least give a response....

 

[ISupportHer]

I am fully aware of the fact that he will/does need space, lots of it and probably most of the time. But the problem is/was he would never communicate that with me. Ever. He would just ignore me. I asked him on several different occasions to let me know when I say or do something that had a negative impact on him or the situation as a whole. This never happened. I asked several times what he needed from me. Each time I got nothing. I guess my point is that I can't know he needed space or was not in the mood unless he said something...anything. But I was just constantly ignored.
..

I agree also that this is somewhat common. Well common may not be a good word. Common sounds like it is ordinary, usual, to be expected. That's not very reassuring is it? It IS something that others of us have felt. Hell, I could probably search my older posts and have said almost exactly the same thing.

I always wanted to not only know what to do but what NOT to do. Not easy when you don't get feedback. I know first hand.

I do see what SheCat means. I think we all have to search ourselves for when enough is enough. That certainly is an individual decision. Just don't lose sight of you. Not saying you are. Just saying I know it's hard.

ISH

 

[justme]

Well I did end the relationship a few weeks ago. I told him I was still here for him, but felt I should step back and allow him to heal without having me or a relationship to deal with. I caved a about a week or so ago (as stated in the OP) and sent him a text saying I was still here if he needed anything. I'm just mad he still can't respond to me. I'm not mad 100% of the time either. It's just one of the many emotions I feel on a daily basis.