A Long Sleep

[Over the rainbow]

Oh how I wish to sleep under these covers forever, safe and warm, like a child who has a false sense of security, if I cover my head Nothing can ever hurt me,
My heart beats fast, but I'm so warm, a shroud surrounds my body, in my sleep I can be anyone, I will see the nightmares, but to me they will be free movies! Everything is better when it's free, right?
If I could spend my life in this bed, I think every dream would come true, alone, silent,
Comforting me like a lover would, if only I could remember what that feels like, I push everyone away, never letting love in,
Do I even believe in that anymore? I'm not lonely in my bed, I'm alone but not lonely, it's safe here,
Oh sleep, wonderful, blissful, unending sleep,
Who says this isn't living?
I know it is because, oh God, a loud sound! My heart races! I dare not look and see who, or what it is!
No! no! Where did my comfort go!
Still my beating heart..

 

[AngelKeeperJ]

Welcome! I know this isn't posted in 'introductions' but I noticed you are a new member!

I relate VERY well with your post...it reads kind of like poetry. I don't really 'fear' the 'outside' anymore, but being in bed, curled up in my covers, is my favorite, safe place to be.

I have been single for 20 years this year, by choice, after 4 failed marriages, the last ending 20 years ago. I realized that I am not marriage material, I like having control too much.

I'm 58, and I take care of my mother, my dad having passed away a little over 2 years ago. I had a daughter who died 21 years ago...she was very severely brain-damaged...and wasn't expected to live for 3 years. She lived for 11 years, and though there was much pain as her mom, I wouldn't trade even a minute, because having and losing her taught me SO much! My son, who is 33, is married with 2 little girls, is in the Philippines visiting his wife's family. He left my home a year after his little sister died. He actually lives and works 3 hours away, but plans on living in the Philippines full-time within 5 years, he hopes.

I tell you these things, just to let you know that being alone is okay! It's possible to be in a relationship, and be VERY lonely!

I know that it may very well be the PTSD that keeps you from venturing 'out' into the world, and I hope you seek help with that. I just wanted to let you know that I feel exactly the same way about the safety in my bed, in my room, and under the covers. I don't think that is bad, or wrong.

Only if you DESIRE to do things, and are 'trapped' in your bed, it can become a self-made prison....

:hug:AKJ (if hugs are okay)

 

[sun seeker]

Sorry to sound like a broken record, but I'll say it again anyway. You have a real gift for writing. I loved this.

 

[Numbalina]

There are days that I am angry at my SO for making me feel bad for 'laying in bed all day.' I know it's out of love. But this is my safe zone.

 

[Over the rainbow]

@sun seeker thank you! It makes me feel good that it may reach someone.

 

[Deleted member 10686]

I can relate, oh god how I can relate. I've been sleeping so much lately, finding the only safety in the world in my bed, under the covers, I'm alone but not lonely, like u said, I just don't know how to come out, to feel safe in the real, waking world, if u figure it out let me know because I am stumped. Here for you,

Floater