A Rant On Reflecting Back Anger I Don't Understand

[HoraoMartus]

So I was startled by my partner…I was cleaning in the bathroom when he came up behind me and just launched a question at me. I screamed because I startle easily, I grab my heart, hyperventilating because…whatever is wrong with me. Then my partner gets upset like, "why do you do that when you KNOW I’m in the house with you?! I just don’t get it, what did I do?!...” he continues complaining about my reaction while walking away.


So here I am, freaking out, which is not in my control, and he’s hurt. After I calm from the startle response, I get angry, but I just go about cleaning and doing other things. Then he shows up complaining about one thing or another around the house, and I can feel the anger in his tone and the way he's talking, even if he doesn't recognize it. I just keep cleaning, trying to dismiss it, but I get angrier and angrier every time he comes to complain about something to me because I sense his anger and I'm like a f*cked-up sponge. Irrationally angry, until he swears about something and starts complaining about our schedule tomorrow and I lost it and yelled, “Fine! It's all f*cking fine! Whatever!” and I’m yelling because I just want to be done with whatever the f*ck negative bullsh*t I’m taking into myself and projecting back louder, and naturally he gets offended and just walks away.


I tried to explain to him how my emotions got raised and raised and I exploded. I can’t help that I get so easily startled, and while I’m freaking out, he makes it about how he's the victim, and all I can feel from him is anger, and I take it in and it builds in me.


What the is this? In explaining how all the anger was connected, I apologized for snapping, but I was still angry and so he was still angry and...I don't even know what to talk to him about. How to explain how crazy I feel about this anger that just builds and bursts.

 

[EveHarrington]

Is this typical? I mean the scenario after the startling? Have you explained to him that it's an automatic reaction much like getting your knee whacked at the doctors office? I had people go on the defensive, too, but it was ok once I explained that I wasn't blaming them when I reacted that way.

 

[Stickler]

Two suggestions:

Ask him to clear his throat or cough or say hi quietly as soon as he can see you, every time.

If he does cause you to startle hard? Go for a walk or a drive or -something- but leave the house for a bit until you have calmed down completely. Then discuss with him that he startled you and tell him you need a low-volume warning when he is in your vicinity, every time, to avoid your startle response.

...If he gets butthurt at the fact that you startle easily ( I would not phrase it like that to him, but yes, he's getting butthurt rather taking responsibility for his own behavior, and he's pouting...) tell him you startle easily. He can either change his behavior or expect to experience shrieks when he says something out of nowhere.
If he chooses to take your shrieks personally that's not your fault.

 

[Powder]

Buy him a cat collar with a bell on it and some velcro to extend it. This is to inject some much-needed humor into the life that is PTSD.

On a more serious note, dude is just pig ignorant about what PTSD is. Psycho-educate the crap outta him or cut him loose.

 

[EveHarrington]

100% agree with all that @Muse said. Life is too short to live it in the presence of people who don't care to understand the PTSD symptoms which are automatic reactions that we cannot help!