A State Called Is

[LittleBigFoot]

Therapy was a lot. Gonna debrief then go do something, dunno what but need out of the house for a bit.

She was good, she’s much more competent then my last ones were (or is that a honeymoon phase talking?). She wants me to fill out a safety plan and I’ve never had to do one before so I’m feeling more competence there. She also took my eating issues way more seriously than anyone else has. She wants to cultivate a team of her, a nutritionist, and a psychiatrist who actually talk to each other and help me. No ones done that or talked like that before. My last T when I talked about the eating disorder (diagnosed by psychiatrist) the response was to make sure to keep some salad stuff on hand and hey this keto diet is real popular. That T didn’t get what I was trying to say. This one is very anti diet though and has experience with eating disorders apparently. Which is good, it’s what I need.

She didn’t overly coo about the trauma facts we did touch on which is really good because I cannot stand that. Our biggest focus to begin will be depression and the fact that I feel so unmotivated and apathetic about everything.

Overall I think she’s good. At least for right now.

 

[Sideways]

How much of a concentration/focus issue is normal for CPTSD or just PTSD? Is there a point where I *should* ask about being tested for something else?

It's common enough that a lot (most?) members here have trouble getting through big walls of text that aren't broken up with paragraphs.

But when should you ask your doctor about it? As soon as it becomes a concern for you, or something unusual that you've noticed about yourself. They are in a good position to assess whether it falls within what they'd normally expect given their clinical assessment of your mental health situation, and (as an entirely separate consideration) whether there's reason to investigate it further to rule out other potential issues.

If nothing else? It's okay to ask these questions for no other reason than you need reassurance. But the best part about asking? Is it lets them know you're struggling with concentration, because there's things they can work on with you to improve that. Life doesn't need to be this hard.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Today has been weird feelings wise. Before T the anxiety rocketed of course. During, wasn’t *too* bad but definitely hard parts that increased anxiety, towards the end was like omg I need off this chat if I’m going to maintain any sanity. After T? Was strange. I don’t know the name for it but the best descriptor I could come up with is that moment at the top of the roller coaster where your anxious about the drop but also nothings happening so wtf am I whining about? Like a weird steady and freaking out at the same time. The rest of the day has been spent distracting myself the best I can but there’s certain points I keep circling back to.

She knows I’ve got some seriously strong apathy going on right now and she wants to work on it. But what does that look like? I didn’t exactly questions and we had plenty of other things to cover. But I looked on here to see what people do about apathy and couldn’t find anything besides that lots of people deal with it.

My brains messy on how to deal with all the different appointments and shit I need to set up. I’m not an organized person under the best of circumstances and so I keep circling around on who I should schedule an appointment with first and who should do what. I know I need a psychiatrist to get back on brain meds, I know I need a gyno or general to get a pap and talk about PCOS and maybe reactive hypoglycemia and maybe prediabetes and get back on birth control and maybe beg they give me a referral to the dietitian so insurance would maybe cover it. Also need the dietitian but they want blood work from a general so I’ll need to actually get a general and do all those things. Insurance says they won’t cover dietitian unless for diabetes care. But I saw a thing where they might cover if referred by a doc.

Also. I have an eating disorder. I knew this, was diagnosed like 2.5 years ago. Been well aware. But somehow it wasn’t a reality in my head till now? And now it’s just circling around like a vulture that yes. I have an eating disorder. But I’m fat. Doesn’t matter. But it was just a symptom of everything else that happened/is happening. Maybe, but still. I have an eating disorder. I don’t know why that’s sticking out so hard except that I know it’s bad and I’m going to end up killing myself that way before long.

Another thing that’s struck out to me today is my life has operated on exactly two emotions since shit I don’t know, months now. Apathy and anger. I wouldn’t think you could have one if you have the other cause wouldn’t apathy cancel everything else out? But they’re both there. I’d say apathy takes up 79% of my day with anger taking 20% and the remaining 1% is a vague sense of humor and whatever else we need to survive.

One thing T asked about was did I have a main support person growing up? Was there someone consistently there? And nope. Not in this house. And that’s just f*cking pathetic. My dog can rely on my disorganized chaos more than I could on any human growing up.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

And now I want to cry and have zero reason to. Cool.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Safety plans are hard to fill out, just sayin’.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Did the safety plan.
Did the getting a gyno/general.
Did their paperwork and appointment scheduled.
Got the dietitian scheduled and paperwork filled out.
Got the psychiatrist scheduled and filled out as well.
Then I fell asleep lol.

But, sleep was umm interesting. Dreamt I was gang raped, although not cause they weren’t doin the actual raping they were playing cause I wasn’t reacting to the things they were doing and they kept asking each other “is she dead? Is she dead?” And then someone would respond “nope she’s still breathing here let’s try this this will wake her up” cue the knife on thigh. “f*ck she’s still not waking up are you sure we didn’t kill her?” And I’m watching this with like all these guys above me and I’m about 9? I think I don’t know, but I don’t feel a thing, in fact I’m tempted to laugh from their antics. I don’t feel anything as I’m dreaming it either.

I don’t know, weird ass shit.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

There’s no way I’m going to be able to do this IFS stuff. I already feel way out of my element, quite a bit ridiculous, and I can’t even do the thing when another T asked what I feel in my body during EMDR. There’s no way this is happening, I’m doing all kinds of research on it and it’s all a completely foreign language and I just feel weird as hell even contemplating it.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

The days I really crave connection with other people is the days they’re busy cause life and their own shiz. The days I really don’t want to talk to people in general are the days everyone else is free and able and wants to. can’t anything just be copacetic?

 

[internal]

There’s no way I’m going to be able to do this IFS stuff.

this is how i felt about ifs as well. i ended up identefying that what was really troubling me was the languege that it was using, which to me sounded patronizing and (no offense to anyone-) hokey, and brought to mind that this felt like pseudoscientific-well-nonsense-to be frank. .

and you're sitting there like, my inner child? what? and of course a lot of that is avoidance. it is, because whatever terminology you use (i prefer developmental fragments, parts, pieces, what have you-) it's the same thing in the end.

it's asking you to look at yourself as though you are broken down into the pieces that make you up. it also names common types of pieces (childlike ones, ones that come out during crisis, ones that manage your day to day life, etc.)

i ended up not bothering with ifs because it didn't seem applicable to me, my "parts" are too complicated (and also too many) to function in that framework. and because IFS deals with normal people

and the concept that even neurotypical people can be broken down into parts (your "work persona" versus your "at home" self is a great example of this.)

and i'm abnormel and i felt it would start conflicting rather easily (which it did in almost the first workbook i used.)

but from what i gather it isn't nonsense, exactly. it's just using a framework you have to agree with-that you are comprised of different parts that do different things at different times, and then all of those parts bridge to become you

and that often times you can act from a piece of yourself that may not be from every part of yourself at the same time. if you don't agree with that then IFS is probably not for you. the other thing is-i do not know if this is really what the issue is or not, but it was some thing that i found happening to me a lot in therepy:

often times the language that gets used can sound very patronizing and silly. what has helped me is to disregard the hokey language and replace it with clinical language. that feels better for me and lets me engage these subjects without "feeling stupid."

 

[LittleBigFoot]

this is how i felt about ifs as well. i ended up identefying that what was really troubling me was the languege that it was using, which to me sounded patronizing and (no offense to anyone-) hokey, and brought to mind that this felt like pseudoscientific-well-nonsense-to be frank. .

and you're sitting there like, my inner child? what? and of course a lot of that is avoidance. it is, because whatever terminology you use (i prefer developmental fragments, parts, pieces, what have you-) it's the same thing in the end.

it's asking you to look at yourself as though you are broken down into the pieces that make you up. it also names common types of pieces (childlike ones, ones that come out during crisis, ones that manage your day to day life, etc.)

i ended up not bothering with ifs because it didn't seem applicable to me, my "parts" are too complicated (and also too many) to function in that framework. and because IFS deals with normal people

and the concept that even neurotypical people can be broken down into parts (your "work persona" versus your "at home" self is a great example of this.)

and i'm abnormel and i felt it would start conflicting rather easily (which it did in almost the first workbook i used.)

but from what i gather it isn't nonsense, exactly. it's just using a framework you have to agree with-that you are comprised of different parts that do different things at different times, and then all of those parts bridge to become you

and that often times you can act from a piece of yourself that may not be from every part of yourself at the same time. if you don't agree with that then IFS is probably not for you. the other thing is-i do not know if this is really what the issue is or not, but it was some thing that i found happening to me a lot in therepy:

often times the language that gets used can sound very patronizing and silly. what has helped me is to disregard the hokey language and replace it with clinical language. that feels better for me and lets me engage these subjects without "feeling stupid."

ya, basically you’ve explained most of my issues. I feel silly, I feel disjointed and I’m not positive it’ll be healthy for me. But at the same time, I don’t know that I want to just not try it at least considering I really really need help and need to figure out something.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

The days I really crave connection with other people is the days they’re busy cause life and their own shiz. The days I really don’t want to talk to people in general are the days everyone else is free and able and wants to. can’t anything just be copacetic?

Expanding on this a little bit. I feel weird and I can’t quite explain it. I’ve had far more social interaction in this last week than I usually do, not just with professionals either but friends as well. And like today even, I’ve technically spoken to just about everybody to some degree and it feels good on one hand. But I actually feel lonelier than ever, not so much in the past days but today. I feel I don’t know abandoned? forgotten? ignored? And it makes no sense because I’ve literally not had any of that today. The most “abandonment” was a few people at work. So ummm duh. Wtf. But I feel so cast aside. I know I have big abandonment issues in general. But anytime they come up now days there’s a clear trigger. Today has no trigger. It actually has the opposite of triggers. It makes noooo sense.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

You know what’s f*cking bullshit?

So I found an old phentermine script cause I’ve got to drop some serious weight before I see my gyno. I started taking them cause they do work to kill my appetite and so I know I binged hard Thursday but yesterday I made sure I stuck to just a sausage biscuit and did 30 min on the arc trainer at the gym and today a turkey sandwich and between yesterday and today when mom and I weighed ourselves I STILL gained another f*cking pound. I know I didn’t work out today but seriously? Where do the pounds keep f*cking coming from? I’m so f*cking sick of my body. It’s disgusting and has never done me any favors. I’m f*cking over it.