A State Called Is

LittleBigFoot

MyPTSD Pro
Today’s playlist:

Wake Up by Arcade Fire
Feeling Good both by Avicii and Nina Simone
Ordinary Human by OneRepublic

We went up on the Abilify and it’s feeling really good. I have no complaints today beyond some small and manageable anxiety.
 

LittleBigFoot

MyPTSD Pro
So that’s not totally true. There’s my stepdads voice in my head reminding me over and over how unattractive and fat I’m getting. I was 9. He liked me better at 7. I was still skinny then. Don’t I know if I let myself go I’ll be disgusting and no one will want me? Here take these pills at breakfast? Why don’t I skip dinner tonight? Your mom is on a diet why don’t you do it with her? That thong would look cuter if you’d lose the pudge.


So I guess my brain isn’t in the healthiest of places today. Welcome to eating disorder recovery.
 

LittleBigFoot

MyPTSD Pro
Today has been hard. Got fired. Cool, have a backup plan for finances. But I feel like such a consummate failure because I can't just be normal. Normal people are able to go to work everyday without panic attacks. Normal people can get perfect attendance. I can do no such thing. And here I am. The failure we always knew I would be.
 

LittleBigFoot

MyPTSD Pro
Coming here at 2 am instead of doing any of my T homework. Or dietitian work for that matter. I'm debating canceling both altogether. On one hand I know I shouldn't because I'm finally with people I feel like I'm making progress with and while I can technically come up with the finances to pay for them, its hard. And a lazy part of me wants to just cancel everything and just stay home and read all day and only work when I absolutely need some money. Problem is anxiety and restlessness and how shitty would it be to cancel the one things that are finally going good and might pull me out of this hell hole? One big issue is I don't know how expensive medication is going to be without insurance. I'll need a contingency plan for that and I don't have one yet. Open enrollment is happening soon, but that won't kick in until January. Could I take a break from meds till then or will they somehow be affordable enough? That is the question.

Dietitian homework is to finish chapter 1 of the Intuitive Eating Workbook and shit its hard. I've never known a workbook to be as hard and triggering as this one, even the PTSD ones I've done on my own. I don't understand why. It's just words on a page. But man the memories it evokes. . .

T homework is a lot, I need to come up with my list of resources I know so she can see if there's any gaps before starting the processing part of EMDR, give her two to three positive memories, see if I want to come up with a spiritual resource (still stuck on Pocahontas Grandmother Willow vibe) and relay it to her, then finally begin thinking about categories to divide the timeline I did up so we can make a plan of action. And in typing all this my anxiety has skyrocketed.

The hydroxyzine the psych doc gave does nothing for that btw. It's very annoying. The best cure for my anxiety I have found so far is 5 hour energies and I don't know why but they work. Until I have to drug myself to sleep because I can't shut down, but that's whatever. Ugh I should try to get more sleep. But I'm hyped. Hypomania? Probably.
 
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