A State Called Is

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I hate the adages that “family is family, you can have your disagreements but it’s still family. Family this family that.” I hate the assumption that family means positive anything.

I also hate how judgy some adults get about teens and “attitude”. Sure attitude is a thing, but your own communication style can go a long way to “fixing” that attitude and lack of respect they supposedly have. Ever think there may be a reason for the lack of respect? Perhaps their boundaries weren’t respected and yet they are expected to be smiling and taking whatever anyone dishes out? No. Just no.
Simple rules for me to follow and I already failed like 2. Wtf. Don’t eat in car? Totally did on the drive home last night cause felt starving. Is it a consolation that it was only a protein bar and not a full fast food meal? Maybe, dunno. Then the second thing I’ve failed at already is the self weighing at home. Totally just did without thinking about it 🤦‍♀️.
Parts Check Daily Form:

I organized my calendar today and I have a ton of appointments each week now and they all focus on ME. Like not just me participating but me being poked and prodded mentally. That has me nervous. I am not sure how I feel about everything. There is definitely some overwhelm. I need to find a way to manage this overwhelm.
I'm not angry about anything outside of myself right now. I was annoyed last night because of those quotes but I think I managed to keep myself from going off about it too much. I *am* angry with myself. I mismanaged money this week, yet again, and that has me stressed and angry and while I've come up with a solution, I am not happy I put myself in this position yet again. My needs here circle I guess having some kind of compassion rather than anger. I'm not sure I can do that though.
I want to. Badly. I haven't yet since my appointment and there is a definite fear of doing it before the next appointment and letting her down. I hate letting people down and having them disappointed in me and my behavior. Needs are that well, I may capitulate and binge small? I don't know. I am just stressed and can't seem to get rid of it.
Struggling here as well. I crave to read, but can't. It's taking me ages to get through a chapter now. Which is annoying because that would be one of my go to's when my anxiety is this high, but it's not working. Needs, I don't know. I know I've moved on from the bully romances, they just annoy me now and I'm disgusted with myself for liking them before. Now I kind of hate them. My mind makes no sense.
This chick wants to get my room clean, and I am trying. But I am struggling to maintain the energy to do it. I've managed to get a load of laundry into the washer, made the bed, and picked up the floor a bit. I have also done my calendar and did some planning financially. So I guess, when I look at that, I can see I've acknowledged her and given her attention. I want to do more, especially because I am struggling to do anything else. But, my muscles feel physically weak.
Is this part of self? I need to ask T that I think, because I think it might be. Does that mean that I maintained part of my "self" during all the abuse and shit that happened? So of course, if thats the case, my mind is like well of course it wasn't that bad if you were able to do so. Because if I managed to come out whole, even a little bit, then there wasn't anything to it. Anyway, this part really wants to go do some art, and maybe thats what I will do. I don't have anything specific in mind just yet. I'll figure it out.
Any new parts?
Not at the moment.

Dietitian Goals Check In:

Refrain from eating in the car: mostly did, haven't had fast food, but did have a power bar on the drive home from work last night. So technically broke this rule.

Aim for 3 meals (with 3-4 food groups) and 1-2 snacks (with 2 food groups): did okay with this yesterday, have not done so well today because I really need to grocery shop and can't until Friday.

Refrain from exceeding 4 hours between meals: yesterday did alright, same excuse for today that I have to wait till Friday to shop and with that means I am just snacking on whatever is available and that looks like chips, rice, beans, every couple hours because I'm just not getting satisfied and really really really want to binge.

Refrain from home weighing: old habits die hard, weighed myself this morning. Ugh.

Aim to limit soda size to small: this one will be far easier and with that have not had soda at all in the last like 48 hours.

I think thats enough checking in for today. Gonna go paint a bit, or draw, or take my camera out, or just do something. I wish I had more plants needing repotting but I already did that.
Did some charcoal drawings and cleaned about a third of my room and about to have dinner/lunch so I’ll call that a win for the day. Here’s the octopus I made. Kinda skinny on the tentacles though.


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Daily Check

Anxiety: Not as bad as previous days here. A bit of leg shaking going on yesterday and today and had a hard time sitting still. But not the full body intensity that it was. So something is going right.

Anger: Not really angry about anything in particular today. Last night I was a little bit with traffic but I feel like that's normal enough to not have to analyze. Today though, there's issues paying the water bill and its for a completely dumb reason and I'm thoroughly frustrated with it. I'll have to go in and get it straightened out and I really don't feel like it. But #adulting.

Binge: Yesterday I caved. And that's all I can say about that. My excuse is I just started my time of the month and I'm cramping and I hurt and just needed comfort.

Reading: Struggling here to focus. Actually forgot my Kindle when I went to work yesterday and did okay without it because I need a break again. There's books being released I really want to read but I just can't right now. I think part of it is the pain is so heavy this time that it is just taking up all my attention.

Manager: She likes the need to schedule out meals. Though I think she took it further than what the dietitian intended, but I'll take it cause she's feeling content right now. Only thing is there is worry that I won't be able to keep up with the schedule I created. I also want to set up an Etsy store again for my art, and another forum that is relatively successful. But for as much as I want to, when I try to do it or really anything else my energy feels like I'm wading through waist deep mud. It sucks.

Artsy/Adventurous: Wants to create something today but just can't sit still long enough to do so. Not to mention don't know what I even want to create.

Anything new: I can't think of anything new parts wise. They do seem calmer overall with the incessant check ins. They weren't happy I skipped yesterday but the day just got away from me. Going to try to do better.

Not eating in car: God, why is this so hard??? This is by far the biggest struggle and have broken the rule twice in as many days. My only consolation is they weren't binges, did that shit at home. Ugh, this part is going to be the death of me.

3 square meals: This is also hard, trying to come up with extra things to make something a meal rather than yet another snack has been challenging. Trying to figure out todays menu so that I hit all the points but we'll see. Not feeling confident about it.

Meal frequency: So I came up with a schedule that works according to work schedule/break times. 8 am will be breakfast, 12 pm will be lunch, 315 will be a snack, 515 will be dinner, 8 pm will be a snack. Possibly will need something like a bite of peanut butter at bedtime (11 pm) because of medications, but I think that's okay? May need to tweak but this is what I came up with so far.

Home weighing: Only broke the rule once so counting that a slight win.

Soda size: Haven't had a soda at all so at least I can do *something* right.

Any other thoughts: This is hard. That's all. Oh and I think I need to figure out some extra tracking for hypomania but not sure how I want to do that yet. I mean I figure I will add it to this long ass list but what symptoms are my particular brand of this shit and what's "normal" and what's not. . .
Let's attempt what BPII tracking may look like.

Overall mood: Bored, low, dunno.

Level of interest in things I enjoy: Can't be bothered to do anything to alleviate the boredom. There's a lot I could be doing from yard work to cleaning the house to artsy shit to watching TV and I have no interest in any of it.

Energy: Feeling like I'm moving through sludge. Want to go back to bed before I have to go work but I already slept too much and I won't be able to actually sleep again.

Concentration: OMG this part is bad. Nothing is keeping my attention whatsoever. It's a miracle I'm managing these posts.

Appetite: Eh, not that interested in food when I think about it. I want it, to alleviate this feeling of boredom/emptiness, but I'm not actually that interested in any food in particular. Actually thinking of it too much is making me nauseous.

Sleep: Didn't have nightmares last night so that's good. Only woke up once in the middle of the night so again, that's a win. Fell asleep around midnight and was up at 7 so didn't do too bad for once.

Thoughts of death or suicide: Nothing really today, just not interested lol. But night before last night, had a dream surrounding death so there was that. And last night driving home in the rain on a bridge I hate I was imagining a couple car crash scenarios, didn't quite wish for them this time. Nothing today though, lets hope that continues.

Over indulgence in risky behavior: Not today, that requires too much thought and I just don't have it today.
Fixed the water bill issue, that was ridiculously simple and now I just feel stupid as hell. But, I did manage to hang up yesterdays drawings, get dishes done, get the bed made, and clean off the tops of a dresser and a shelf. So, while I still have a long way to go on making this house better, I at least did that.
Daily Check In

Anxiety: A little bit towards the afternoon, work became a little anxiety ridden. Not anywhere near what last week was though.

Anger: Not feeling it today, which is good.

Binge: Not interested today.

Reading: Not interested, can't concentrate on a paragraph anyway.

Manager: Mad that I didn't adhere to schedule exactly but hey I tried.

Artsy/Adventurous: Not interested, she's gone.

Anything new: Nope.

Not eating in car: Managed to not today, kinda proud of myself for that.

3 square meals: Eh, lets see. A full meal this morning and then two snacks probably does not a 3 square meals make. . .

Meal frequency: Ate a meal before work and then snacked twice during two of my breaks so almost.

Home weighing: Didn't, so win.

Soda size: Only got one and probably drank a quarter of it and just wasn't interested in more.

Any other thoughts: Nope.

Overall mood: Low.

Level of interest in things I enjoy: Lol, nonexistent.

Energy: Somewhat better actually. Sort of.

Concentration: Gone with the wind.

Appetite: Bad, hardly any. Only ate to stave off shakes.

Sleep: Last night wasn't bad which we already established but I want to make this a nightly ritual so posting earlier than I would have.

Thoughts of death or suicide: None, hallelujah.

Overindulgence in risky behavior: Ummm, none yet but the urge is there. I want to feel something and that something would be in the shape of a man. Don't care who he is or whatever, but a strong part of me wants to reach out and see what happens.
Daily Check In

Anxiety: Not bad today, it was a fairly good day considering. Anxiety wise anyway.

Anger: Genuinely not angry about anything today.

Binge: Had a little bit of an urge earlier this afternoon but not strong enough to not combat.

Reading: This is still hard, but I guess that's okay.

Manager: Manager is happy that I created a little shop and got some mowing, sweeping, and general house cleaning done. I feel relatively accomplished.

Artsy/Adventurous: Been more analytical rather than artsy today, which is okay.

Anything new: Nope.

Not eating in car: Managed!

3 square meals: Umm I managed two meals and no snacks . . . .

Meal frequency: Didn't have work today so things were difficult. I didn't eat anything until about 3 pm and then the second meal at about 7 pm. Just been a weird day.

Home weighing: Didn't, so win.

Soda size: Had one full soda unfortunately.

Any other thoughts: Nope.

Overall mood: Medium?

Level of interest in things I enjoy: Eh, meh.

Energy: Been a bit wired all day, can't sit still.

Concentration: Better than most times, not enough to read but enough to get some stuff done.

Appetite: Was medium ish. I don't know how to describe it lol.

Sleep: Crappy actually, only slept about 4 hours last night and going to crash early tonight.

Thoughts of death or suicide: None.

Overindulgence in risky behavior: None, have no interest.
Not doing so hot. Sick, and just exhausted. Should be doing my daily check ins but just can't get the motivation to do anything, came home from work yesterday and dragging ass on doing the steps needed to be allowed back at work (covid protocol). Had dietitian today, motivation was so low that we did virtual instead of me driving up there. Just have no desire to leave the house. I'm not afraid to, there's no agoraphobia or anything like that. I just don't want to. For a lot of different things. Have T tomorrow, we'll see how that goes, but at least it's already virtual. Dietitian goals are to continue with previous goals obviously, but also making sure to eat breakfast at the kitchen table consistently instead of in the living room, remembering that I don't have to cut soda out entirely, just reduce sizes, adding a late night snack to help with hunger/potential bingeing cause totally did. Can't remember what else she said, I'm not all here today so. . . .
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