A State Called Is

[LittleBigFoot]

Psych appt today means adding 1mg prazosin for the nightmares and keeping on with the 5mg Abilify for the next month. We’ll see if I feel something different It’s better than feeling worse though.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Today’s T:

That was intense. Major players: binge/Tina, anxiety/Greg, and anger/Madison.

Some people in the house didn’t pay their share of the bills which set off a firestorm of anxiety and anger in me which triggered heavy, heavy bingeing.

When meeting with parts during T today, Tina spoke up as being fearful of losing everything. Losing her home, losing food. I didn’t quite understand it at first because I’ve never actually starved in my life, only been homeless a few times. To which T responded, “is that not enough for you? There is a very fine line separating ‘just’ homeless and not having any food.” Which, I guess she’s right, and therefore Tina has a point. She’s scared of not having money to pay bills I.e. buy food and she’s terrified the dietitian is going to get rid of her altogether. We talked about what she would rather be doing to which she replied, “overeat on holidays.” Which had me disgusted but T was like of course! And that’s okay! What was interesting is prior to T I was ready to binge the second I got off the video with her. But somewhere in there it calmed enough that I’m not so desperate to.

We switched over to Greg because holy leg bouncing today. T thinks he’s actually a baby or small child part but for as much as she might be right, he won’t show that. All I see is a middle aged man. Anyways, we figured out the dynamics are that he’s a mommas boy kind of type and Tina is the overbearing helicopter mom who keeps stuffing him full of food to get him to shut up, go to sleep, and calm down. And he hates her. He wants to be able to do shit on his own, not have mother hen hovering constantly. So we practiced letting him feel his feelings without letting Tina step in.

Madison got excited about this. She was tired of managing and being triggered by the dynamic happening between Tina and Greg. So she sat back and watched while Greg felt round about 10% of his feelings. Tina hated this so much. He was feeling fairly confident about it but she was nervously hanging around ready to jump in. We did some box breathing that had any anxiety calming way down. But Tina is still . T feels okay about that but I’m not sure.

We talked about how the dietitian isn’t going to take away food and how I’m an adult now and make money and we can trust me now to make sure there is always food and always bills paid. But she’s really skeptical about any trust with me. They all are.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Shit almost forgot one of the most important parts of today: a new part.

Sagittarius, cause I’m not original but that fits her personality. She turned the bad in childhood (homelessness) into huge adventures and through that probably saved my damn life. I picture her the stereotypical hippie early 20s girl. Long blond hair, thin and just fun and loud and sees everything as something to discover and try. She has the bohemian skirt and sandals with a purple tank top. She loves tarot, peppermint tea, and Rocky Horror Picture Show.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

It’s 1 am and I just woke up crying in pure frustration from a damn dream. I’ve never physically cried like this before and it’s weird and it’s kinda f*cked up. In the dream I worked in this warehouse and there is a certain area I’m not supposed to walk in and I do. I walked in it because I didn’t realize it was off limits, I had earlier walked it with a couple different supervisors and they didn’t say anything about it being off limits so I didn’t think anything of it. When I do it I accidentally stepped on this guys project he’s working on. I feel horrible! And I accept that I shouldn’t have been there and I’m prepared for being written up or something. But this other supervisor who I had never seen before takes me by the arm and starts questioning me over and over. I’m honest that I screwed up, yet he doesn’t believe that I’m being completely honest and I don’t know what to do. He walks me in the “appropriate” areas stopping each person along the way and questioning them if they saw me there and they of course say no and I’m not understanding because I’ve already admitted that I went the wrong way. It keeps going like that in circles until I’m sitting up in tears and my dog is trying to figure out what the f*ck is wrong with me. Guess I’m picking up that Prazosin today whether I want to or not.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

First night on Prazosin to get rid of nightmares and I don’t know. I was up and down and basically napped several times each time had a nightmare accompanying it so I don’t know what to make of that. If I give it more time to adjust or say screw that?

 

[joeylittle]

If I give it more time to adjust or say screw that?

I'd give it a little more of a chance. It's also possible your dose needs to be adjusted - if you can message your psych and ask them, that might help.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

I'd give it a little more of a chance. It's also possible your dose needs to be adjusted - if you can message your psych and ask them, that might help.

ya I will see about having it adjusted, good idea thank you.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

T today:

We talked about a lot of stuff. I’m not even sure where we began. We chatted a bit more than usual in the beginning about dogs and painting and mindfulness. Then she led that into a triggery issue I had last night and my being able to handle it by crying a little. Which led into a discussion about how emotions are okay to let out and that when I bottle them in that’s when things go wrong which of course is true but ugh. Anyways, ended up discussing a new part, a task manager who sees me as a 17 yo still who can’t seem to manage her life. And we are going to work on her letting go of the reins enough to let the others have turns so it’s not an automatic rebellion against whatever the task manager sets out. Which is something I do, I rebel against things I’m “supposed” to be doing all the time. We didn’t get into it as being an avoidance technique but we did talk about how of course other parts would rebel and take over because they aren’t being listened to. And there is this overarching fear throughout every part that whatever they need or want will never ever ever happen so they have to take over to get it.

I’m exhausted.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Parts Check Daily Form:

Anxiety-
Thoughts?
Needs?

Anger-
Thoughts?
Needs?

Binge-
Thoughts?
Needs?

Reading-
Thoughts?
Needs?

Manager-
Thoughts?
Needs?

Adventurous-
Thoughts?
Needs?

Any new parts?

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Anxiety-
Thoughts?
Needs?

Thinks I’ve forgotten that we’ve seen a 7 year old me here, which anxiety isn’t wrong- I did forget and I guess T did too. Will need to work on not doing that in the future.

Anger-
Thoughts?
Needs?

Not doing bad here. Nothing is sticking out. Needs are just reminding me that work is ultimately helping people and I need not stress over it.

Binge-
Thoughts?
Needs?

Hungry, but not quite to binge point. Nervous af about tomorrow. Needs me to keep feeding her so she doesn’t freak and binge.

Reading-
Thoughts?
Needs?

Is overwhelmed with how much I’ve been doing and needs a break because she’s exhausted.

Manager-
Thoughts?
Needs?

Was glad to be acknowledged today. Is anxious to see how I do with managing myself.

Adventurous-
Thoughts?
Needs?

Wants to call in to work and go do some art and exploring instead. Can’t say I blame her.

Any new parts?

Should I include the 7 year old here? If I should, she’s unsure about this big world and wants to join up with adventurous and say sayonara. Can’t blame her.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Dietitian today:

She’s wanting me to eat a lot of food and I don’t know how that’s gonna work. I’m to eat more frequently, not going more than 4 hours between meals, and I’m to have like 4 food groups per meal. Each meal. That’s a lot. Plus then she wants 1-2 snacks and those have to be 2 food groups each. Geez. Which is great for the part of me that fears starving. But there’s another part is like shit you’re really going to gain weight now. f*ck.

The talking over history was horrible. I felt so viscerally shaky and nervous and like I was going to pass out or choke or both. But got through it. I have a feeling there’s going to be lots to discuss come T time.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Anxiety-
Thoughts?
Needs?

Hate this shit hate this shit hate this shit. Is what anxiety says today. Needs- to do some meditation maybe. My T made one that I’ll do.

Anger-
Thoughts?
Needs?

Angry at my mom and stepdad for being large catalysts to all this. Diet pills as a preteen should not be a thing. Doesn’t really need anything.

Binge-
Thoughts?
Needs?

Weirdly quiet and numb. Calm before the storm?
Reading-

Thoughts?
Needs?

Kinda want to read, kinda wanna zone out cause can’t concentrate on reading.

Manager-
Thoughts?
Needs?

Wants to schedule and plan everything down to the detail right now. But I know that won’t work. But I do need some sort of plan at least for today.

Adventurous-
Thoughts?
Needs?

Not here today. Just quiet.

Any new parts?

Not that I can find.