A State Called Is

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Today’s not fantastic. Distracted/dissociated? To a point anyway, not as bad as it can definitely get. But dreams, dreams, dreams. I hate this stage because my dreams make me feel like I didn’t sleep at all. But can’t nap without dreaming again. Stepdad featured this time. His lovely mug getting away with raping little girls cause the cops didn’t want that on their career roster. Wtf does that even mean? I don’t know but that’s the excuse I was given for why the cops refused to arrest him in my dream. Pretty par for the course for reality. Had chances to be caught and managed to slimeball his way out of any so the little girls take another loss. We’re used to it. Anyway, that’s colored today with a shit ton of anger, resentment, a little humiliation, a little fear, and overall sadness. Which means work is going to be hard as f*ck to get through.

Guess I’ll do the TIPPs thing T was urging me to do. I checked in with emotions so I guess that counts for checking in with parts. It’ll have to do anyway cause I’m too tired to do more.
Today’s Playlist:

Faded From the Winter by Iron and Wine
Devil in Me by Halsey
Coward by Hayden Calmin
Warrior by Demi Lovato
Leave My Casket Open by Arrested Youth
The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel
Skyscraper by Demi Lovato
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Baby steps. I don’t know if I can manage the time commitment necessary for CASA. However, the baby step is that I’ve applied to transcribe oral history interviews with the local Jewish Heritage Society. It’s something very similar to what I do for work, it has a low time per week commitment, and I am avid about preserving history. Only thing is I’m not Jewish and I’m hoping that doesn’t prevent them from taking me on.

Just got word they’ve accepted me and I get to begin work tomorrow! I’m super excited, I needed a pick me up.
Today’s T

Relevant parts:
Madison- Anger
Tina- Binge

Madison took the stage in a big way. Earlier this week Tina had showed up in what we decided was probably a hypomania/depression cycle that had me bingeing. This made Madison show up pissed off that Tina even exists.

So today was about showing up for Madison and letting her talk. She’s tired, she’s pissy, she’s cocky. She wants to know that she can step back one of these days and let me take the reigns in protecting everybody. But trying to tell her that I can and am capable doesn’t go well. She sees me as a dumb 14 year old who thinks I have the world in my hands but doesn’t. She sees me as someone who talks a good game but is going to bail when things get tough. Which is fair. She’s got lots of experience in people doing exactly that.

So homework is to check in with her periodically, as well as the others and take steps to soothe and acknowledge them and just show up for them.

We’ll see how it goes. For right now I’m just drained like I did 15 rounds of EMDR but haven’t really done anything 🤷🏼‍♀️ Dunno, don’t care, but I’m off today so nap time here I come.
I just can’t find any energy today. Work has been literal hell with how badly drained I feel. And it’s not even an objectively bad day, I’m just not healthy at all. I am so jealous of those peppy assholes who can get up and go on like 5 hours of sleep and never lose steam. My steam is like that drip of condensation left after a couple hours past everything’s been turned off.
Frustrated but also not.
Since starting on Abilify it’s been much harder to orgasm and I can’t decide if that’s good or bad. On one hand it’s always frustrating to need it and not complete it. But on the other hand I don’t want to complain or switch drugs because this way my masturbation time per day is reduced exponentially giving me more time in the day to do things because even though the urge is still there it’s not nearly as strong. It won’t change meeting guys cause that serves a different purpose and doesn’t require orgasm- but there too the urge has lessened quite a bit.

I still binge of course so not a perfect fix. But working on it.
Parts showing up in dreams? Or just something that is nothing to think about and isn’t worth parsing out. . .

I have 2 lions and sometimes cubs who live in the back of my brain. I never see them in waking hours, only during different random dreams. They never get involved, but when they show up in nightmares like today they provide a level of comfort.

Today’s nightmare was not cool. In it my dog got caught up in boiling water and ugh I don’t want to go into more detail. But the lions were there to observe and distract.

Are they parts? Protector parts perhaps? But if they were they’d show up during the day too right? I dunno. Just something I noticed and is on my mind. There was such a strong sense of deja vu when they showed up.
There’s a lot of shit things about being in therapy. But #1 right now is the fact that my primary asshole abuser extraordinaire keeps showing up in my dreams. He doesn’t always do anything but he’s there. Constantly. Just about every f*cking dream. He’s either the one pouring boiling water on my dog or he’s charming the masses and making them look at me like ummm you know he’s a cool guy right? Like he can’t possibly do the things you accuse him of. . . 🙄 I’m over it. Im so damn over it.
Dreams make me not want to even try to sleep anymore. I took a nap cause nightmare this morning and needed to catch up. And during the nap dreamt of making child p**n videos. Dunno where the f*ck that came from and hate it especially because I was the adult directing it. Not f*cking cool. I need a way to just shut my brain off entirely cause f*ck.
An open letter to those who don’t get it.

I’m sorry.
I’m sorry that I’m not enough.
I’m sorry that I can’t stay “on”.
I’m sorry that I don’t know how to explain my moods.
I’m sorry my moods don’t make sense to you.
I’m sorry that I struggle to do basic things sometimes.
I’m sorry that other times I’m bouncing off the walls and I get everything and more done and I can’t slow down.
I’m sorry that I have no idea which of those the day is going to bring.
I’m sorry that I’m feeling sorry for myself.
I’m sorry I’m not perfect like you.

I don’t mean to feel sorry for myself. I don’t mean to not be able to function like you. I don’t mean to be so confused about who I am and what I want and how I want to get there.

But I’m trying to get through each day in one piece. I’m trying to help you understand me but I don’t know how beyond sharing articles about PTSD and CPTSD and trauma and all of those things. But those things are beneath you I know. You’ve made that clear. You’ve made it very clear that I need to just man up and get over myself and stop, for the love of God, stop feeling sorry for myself.

I know I’m not what you wanted for a child and I’m sorry for that. I tried. But I don’t know how. Some people say I need to be compassionate with myself and give myself to learn how to heal and become an adult and function in this world. But then you look at me and I wonder if they’re wrong. Maybe they are just babies. Maybe they are just weak.

Because you don’t do that. You man up and function and can’t understand why I don’t. I want to be like you. But being like you also scares me. Because you’re alone. Everyone around you hates you.

I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to be hated. But then you tell me the traumas you’ve had and how great you’re doing now. How I should be like you. How I should stop feeling sorry for myself. How disappointed you are in all of your children. Because we all just feel sorry for ourselves and repeatedly fail.

I don’t want to fail. I don’t want to be alone. I don’t want to feel sorry for myself. I don’t want to be hated. But I want to be like you. Because you’re strong right? You just do what needs to be done all the time. You don’t let silly things like emotions stand in your way. Those who do that are just weak babies who need to grow up and realize the world isn’t fair.

But I’m so tired. I’m tired of trying so hard to be like you and failing anyway. I was so proud of myself this week. I didn’t feel anything for days. Until I did. Until it all balled up and knocked me out. And now I don’t know what to do. What do you do? How do you handle it in all your strength? Do you just power through it even when it cripples you? I can. But then the nightmares begin. And I remember I can’t escape. I can’t be strong like you.

I can’t be strong like you.
I’m weak.
I feel sorry for myself.
All I know to do is curl up in a ball and sleep the rest of the day away until the next nightmare begins or I stop feeling for a time.

Why can’t you just see me? Why can’t you see what you did to me? Why can’t you see that other people say it’s okay if I’m not strong like you? Why can’t you see that even years down the road I still hurt so bad?
I relate to this soo much. I’m sorry you know the feeling 🫂
Bingeing vs overeating

As far as I’m aware there is a big difference. For me bingeing is eating way beyond what my body is capable. For instance it might be 2-3 combo meals in a drive through and eating it all in one sitting or going to the grocery store and picking up $50 in food and eating all of that in one sitting. Not just eating to fullness. Huge difference. But it’s bothering me there’s this misinformation happening but even if I hadn’t gotten in trouble again I wouldn’t be able to say anything because apparently you can’t challenge anyone’s way of thinking. Sad part is I have no clue what I even apparently did to her initially to have such a vile response back. But that doesn’t get questioned of course. Other people can be assholes.
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