A State Called Is

LittleBigFoot

Confident
Today’s not fantastic. Distracted/dissociated? To a point anyway, not as bad as it can definitely get. But dreams, dreams, dreams. I hate this stage because my dreams make me feel like I didn’t sleep at all. But can’t nap without dreaming again. Stepdad featured this time. His lovely mug getting away with raping little girls cause the cops didn’t want that on their career roster. Wtf does that even mean? I don’t know but that’s the excuse I was given for why the cops refused to arrest him in my dream. Pretty par for the course for reality. Had chances to be caught and managed to slimeball his way out of any so the little girls take another loss. We’re used to it. Anyway, that’s colored today with a shit ton of anger, resentment, a little humiliation, a little fear, and overall sadness. Which means work is going to be hard as f*ck to get through.

Guess I’ll do the TIPPs thing T was urging me to do. I checked in with emotions so I guess that counts for checking in with parts. It’ll have to do anyway cause I’m too tired to do more.
 

LittleBigFoot

Confident
Today’s Playlist:

Faded From the Winter by Iron and Wine
Devil in Me by Halsey
Coward by Hayden Calmin
Warrior by Demi Lovato
Leave My Casket Open by Arrested Youth
The Boxer by Simon and Garfunkel
Skyscraper by Demi Lovato
 
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LittleBigFoot

Confident
Baby steps. I don’t know if I can manage the time commitment necessary for CASA. However, the baby step is that I’ve applied to transcribe oral history interviews with the local Jewish Heritage Society. It’s something very similar to what I do for work, it has a low time per week commitment, and I am avid about preserving history. Only thing is I’m not Jewish and I’m hoping that doesn’t prevent them from taking me on.

Just got word they’ve accepted me and I get to begin work tomorrow! I’m super excited, I needed a pick me up.
 

LittleBigFoot

Confident
Today’s T

Relevant parts:
Madison- Anger
Tina- Binge

Synopsis:
Madison took the stage in a big way. Earlier this week Tina had showed up in what we decided was probably a hypomania/depression cycle that had me bingeing. This made Madison show up pissed off that Tina even exists.

So today was about showing up for Madison and letting her talk. She’s tired, she’s pissy, she’s cocky. She wants to know that she can step back one of these days and let me take the reigns in protecting everybody. But trying to tell her that I can and am capable doesn’t go well. She sees me as a dumb 14 year old who thinks I have the world in my hands but doesn’t. She sees me as someone who talks a good game but is going to bail when things get tough. Which is fair. She’s got lots of experience in people doing exactly that.

So homework is to check in with her periodically, as well as the others and take steps to soothe and acknowledge them and just show up for them.

We’ll see how it goes. For right now I’m just drained like I did 15 rounds of EMDR but haven’t really done anything 🤷🏼‍♀️ Dunno, don’t care, but I’m off today so nap time here I come.
 

LittleBigFoot

Confident
I just can’t find any energy today. Work has been literal hell with how badly drained I feel. And it’s not even an objectively bad day, I’m just not healthy at all. I am so jealous of those peppy assholes who can get up and go on like 5 hours of sleep and never lose steam. My steam is like that drip of condensation left after a couple hours past everything’s been turned off.
 

LittleBigFoot

Confident
Frustrated but also not.
Since starting on Abilify it’s been much harder to orgasm and I can’t decide if that’s good or bad. On one hand it’s always frustrating to need it and not complete it. But on the other hand I don’t want to complain or switch drugs because this way my masturbation time per day is reduced exponentially giving me more time in the day to do things because even though the urge is still there it’s not nearly as strong. It won’t change meeting guys cause that serves a different purpose and doesn’t require orgasm- but there too the urge has lessened quite a bit.

I still binge of course so not a perfect fix. But working on it.
 

LittleBigFoot

Confident
Parts showing up in dreams? Or just something that is nothing to think about and isn’t worth parsing out. . .

I have 2 lions and sometimes cubs who live in the back of my brain. I never see them in waking hours, only during different random dreams. They never get involved, but when they show up in nightmares like today they provide a level of comfort.

Today’s nightmare was not cool. In it my dog got caught up in boiling water and ugh I don’t want to go into more detail. But the lions were there to observe and distract.

Are they parts? Protector parts perhaps? But if they were they’d show up during the day too right? I dunno. Just something I noticed and is on my mind. There was such a strong sense of deja vu when they showed up.
 
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