A State Called Is

LittleBigFoot

Confident
My ideal life:

1. happily work full time and feel energized by it
2. Volunteer regularly, preferable CASA
3. Have some sort of side income making hobby that takes the pressure off full time job
4. Taking a long weekend every couple of months to travel somewhere anywhere
5. Attend munches (a bdsm thing where people meet in a vanilla setting to just hang out) once a week and regularly attend other events
6. Go to school and get my degree
7. Find a significant other
8. Have a realistic schedule for a clean home and yard and regularly maintain my car and keep up with pets vet needs
9. Go to the gym 4-5 days a week
10. Regularly create some kind of art


Reality:
1. *Might* make it out of bed in time for work
2. Manage weekly therapy
3. Read and generally lay around for the remainder of the day and accomplish nothing while I just get older, lonelier, and my house approaches the hoarders tv show. Tbf it’s not that bad, but it feels like it.

There’s a huuuuge gap there 🙄
 

joeylittle

Administrator
But the past couple days have been decent and I remember I should be checking in and there is just nothing. Everything is just blank.
I'm glad to hear about you feeling decent. Overall, this is a good thing, no?

Parts are hard. When I’m feeling good/neutral/blah it seems like I have no ability to see or connect. It’s only when my emotions are really strong in some negative direction that I’m able to parse them out. Why is that? How do you connect and “notice” when there’s nothing there to notice?
Observing that there's nothing there is, in fact, a form of noticing. It may be useful to get more specific and jot down the thought you're having, when you check in - or possibly whatever just prompted you to check in.
 

LittleBigFoot

Confident
I'm glad to hear about you feeling decent. Overall, this is a good thing, no?


Observing that there's nothing there is, in fact, a form of noticing. It may be useful to get more specific and jot down the thought you're having, when you check in - or possibly whatever just prompted you to check in.

Thats a good idea, I’ll try that. And I guess it is a good thing. I’m just trying to figure all this stuff out.
 

LittleBigFoot

Confident
This weekend and start to the week has been interesting. I went off the deep end hard and still trying to figure out what triggered it cause have T in the morning and if I get the guts to tell her why she’s going to ask about precursors and I don’t know. Things were fine, I thought anyway.

I can’t remember how to do the blurred thingy but here goes anyways. This weekend/week has been a blur of books, porn, and masturbation and virtually nothing else. I barely slept, barely ate, somehow worked but read the entire time at work. Didnt pay hardly any attention to dogs, someone else fed them, shut them out of my room whole time I’ve been home because they interrupted focus on what I wanted to do.

Maybe the books triggered it? I started off with my an old favorite I’m rereading and is actually a pretty tame one. It’s still a mafia/dominant romance, but the guy is actually pretty soft considering other books and authors. So I don’t think it started there. But when that was done I landed on a new book and new author where it was a reverse harem (so multiple dominant men for one submissive woman) I’m so sorry if this all really TMI! Anyways, it wasn’t your standard softish one. Well, most aren’t soft anymore, they just seem that way to me because I’m so desensitized.

Back to the books, it was a dark reverse harem and an enemies to lovers thing so it involved some amount of cruelty. Most of the time I can back away around this point. I loooove dominance, but typically have a respect for when something is dominant versus just abusive and gross. Not this time, this time I was drawn so deep in. Which began the masturbation. It’s not unusual of course for certain books to turn me on and such. But this was like a switch was flipped.

Since then, I’ve put myself in physical pain literally from overdoing (god I hate saying that and putting it out there and makes me look so disgusting). I’ve gone through 5 different full length books as well as several porn videos and short stories obsessed with finding the cruelest and most humiliating things and getting off on them in my own f*cked up twists in my head. Then I became frustrated because after awhile (and I think what’s helping me get out of this for now) is it all stopped working gradually. Had to find something worse, something more twisted and running out of those things and what was really bad just isn’t anymore and it takes me longer to get off and it just hurts at this point.

f*ck I’m so f*cked in the head. I’ve always hated things surrounding humiliation and cheating and bullying and I don’t know what changed.

In other news, I had a minor car accident back in May and now a person who was just a witness is claiming injuries to him and his passenger and damages to his Camaro, except he was alone and didn’t have any damage, he saw me and the other car collide. . . I’m furious.
 

LittleBigFoot

Confident
Struggling and stuck in a loop. My homework is simply to notice and get familiar with my parts still. But everytime I try I feel extremely resistant and f*ck off and masturbate to the cruelest most humiliating shit I can find until I’m too exhausted to think. How tf do I tell someone I’ve known barely a month that I’d rather masturbate than do any kind of living? How tf do I explain the horrible shit I’m drawn to?
 

LittleBigFoot

Confident
T work:

Did safe place EMDR-ish today, homework is to do that on my own each night to help fall asleep. Rocky Mountains here I come!
 

LittleBigFoot

Confident
Psych appt just now and I’m not sure what to think about it. Bipolar, specifically the depression type. Apparently I scored very high on her scale for it. She’s keeping the PTSD cause it’s pretty much a duh. She’s iffy about the BPD diagnosis I got one time which I get cause that a hit and miss one for me. And then she brought up the bipolar and I’d honestly never thought of it. I’d thought of ADD but I don’t know. She’s prescribing Abilify to start so we’ll see how it goes. I’m willing to give it a shot.
 

LittleBigFoot

Confident
Still processing the idea of bipolar, it just feels off in a way. But I guess that doesn’t really matter. Either way, Abilify, I’m starting on just 5 mg for now just to make sure there aren’t terrible adverse reactions and there’s not thankfully. It does make me nauseous and hungry and tired but I’m sure that’ll calm down in a few days. But man the hunger part is weird, because it’s no hunger at all until this sudden sharp pain and this ravenous could kill anyone who stands between me and food. But just a few bites in and that ravenousness is gone and is replaced by pure nausea and fatigue. It’s a joy lol.
 

LittleBigFoot

Confident
Is it still trauma when you basically asked for it? That’s the question swirling in my brains today.

When I was a teen, and not even late teens- I was pretty young. I had this boyfriend who wasn’t good for me. Wasn’t good for me at all. Things got abusive, things pushed into full on sexual assault. Some of those assaults would stay with me for years later and I’m just now working past the barriers they created. I do think my stepdads assaults are part of that but still.

Another one is a 2 night stand dude. The first time we met, I told him no I don’t want anal. He agreed. Halfway through he shoves it in making me scream and pushes my head into the bed to shut me up. *But* I met him again a couple weeks later and of course a similar thing happens where I said no I didn’t want something and he took it anyway.

But I don’t have a right to feel bad about any of those right? Because I stayed. For both. I came back for more knowing what it could be like. Or I’m just sick and definitely need help for that just not in the way a rape victim needs the love and attention a therapist can provide.

I could extend this thought to stepdad too. There were ways to get out and I didn’t take them. I stayed.
 

ruborcoraxxx

MyPTSD Pro
That you’re confused with your reasons of having gotten there doesn’t change the fact that he did get over your consent and assaulted you brutally. It’s assault. And even if you were getting raped to catch a therapist’s attention, that only would be a valid reason to have a therapist intention.
 

LittleBigFoot

Confident
I didn’t have a T at either of those times but I think I see what you’re saying. It feels weird to read assaulted me brutally. Because I know even I said assault, it feels weird seeing it as a descriptive for it and especially coupled with the word brutally. It feels like I don’t deserve labels like that. I’m going to let my T know all these thoughts and thank you for your response. I just feel weird af about it today.
 
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