A State Called Is

[LittleBigFoot]

So. That was a bad binge.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

But holy shit the wicked witch of the west stopped on her own and was not miserable for once. Is this how normal women feel?

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Because I know T will ask, why did I binge last night?

I don’t know

Could be strictly biological, I restricted heavily for several days and body felt starving. Not like it should though. TBF T doesn’t know about the restriction side of things and I really really really don’t want to tell her.

Could be the whore comment since that was a nice little prophecy of SD, I would learn how to be as good of a whore as my mother. *But* I didn’t *feel* triggered by it.

Could be the disgusting part of that comment. Because I feel exactly that. Every day. Especially because of my weight and how much of a whore I truly am and the shame that accompanies that. But again, it didn’t bother me to read it, I just wanted to see if he could find a part of him who could be compassionate to someone like that. But perhaps that’s not possible. Once you’re a disgusting whore, you’ll always be a disgusting whore. But even now, I know I’m writing these things like they must bother me but I don’t *feel* bothered. I genuinely don’t feel a single thing right now. Except slightly uncomfortable because it’s hot outside. That’s it.

I’m not sure what else would have possibly triggered it. Maybe the whole therapy and meeting parts stuff? Cause I did feel strange after, but not bad exactly.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Books and Parts

A new part is kind of showing up. I can’t see her, but I can feel her. Abandonment. All she wants is books. More and more books because they’re people who don’t leave. They’re people who are always right there at any given moment and can be anything in the world to her. They can be a safe place that doesn’t exist anywhere else. It’s the only place she can feel relatively calm.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Spoiler: Book and Parts

sorry, kind of figuring out the different features and how to do them. Don’t mind me lol.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Sarah: Abandoned part. Shy, long dark hair that hides her, thin, quiet, bookish, hiding in her clothes. She feels fearful and sad. Goes to a corner bean bag to tuck herself in a tight ball with her book.

 

[joeylittle]

@LittleBigFoot - have you read about the PTSD Cup Explanation?

Often, it's not a single thing that creates the overflow that in your case, could have led to the binge. But the accumulation of being unhappy with your current weight, then aggressive restricting, plus don't forget a tiny detox off of phentamine (b/c it does create a 'crash'-like experience and emotional volatility, as you were experiencing with it), plus a phrase in a thread that wasn't rocking your emotions but was definitely pushing your "engage" button - and even positive things, like speaking your mind, generate stress - the gym might have released some of that pressure, but gymming on very low calories can be a body-systems stressor that you might not feel, but it's happening....add all that together, and you may have a reason for the binge.

It's a big part of the nature of PTSD, specifically. And knowing about it doesn't mean bam, you can always manage it - it's more of a thing about understanding how to acknowledge and release, when. possible, all the stuff going into the cup.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Thank you Joey. I needed that reminder.

For T homework
Noticing has been interesting. In the beginning the thought was all the bingeing type behaviors were symmetrical and as long as I fix one type the others would follow because I thought they were all born out of the same emotions. And maybe they are to an extent but not as much as I thought they’d be. Last week Tina dominated with her constant need to binge and restrict and control every detail of diet and exercise. I feel like that should be more parts but all I saw was Tina.

This weekend Sarah has shown up and driven everyone else out of the room. She wants the whole place to herself and she’s gotten it. I’ve read and read and read and been obsessed to the point of almost getting caught at work, isolating from others, almost getting in accident because I can’t find it in me to stop. The emotions Sarah brought with her are loneliness, sadness, shame, fear. (Multiple parts?). They pour into every corner of the room. And nothing will soothe her except reading more. She wants to live in the worlds these books create. She wants the drama they constantly have. She doesn’t want to be stuck in these cold four walls. She misses outside but is terrified of it too.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

SYML’s song Leave Like That (feat. Jenn Champion) is the perfect theme to these feelings and this rainy weekend. And Jimmy Eat World- My Sundown.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Endings always suck.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Having a hard time noticing any parts today, and yesterday for that matter. They’re just not there.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

T today.

We worked mostly with Greg. He’s super high anxiety and dominated the room. He is stressed over every little thing. He wants to have control over every little decision I ever make and then second guesses it all and is certain they’ve all been wrong.

I could only see him at first but when we finally convinced him to sit down, I was able to see both Sarah and Madison. Sarah stayed in her corner trying to read but kept pouting. Madison was angry at Greg for being the way he is. She wanted him to chill the f*ck out and get it in his head that other people need attention too and he’s just being annoying and obnoxious and should shut up. . . But she was okay letting Greg have the spotlight for today as long as she got the spotlight next time. Annoyed, but okay.

We talked with Greg about why he is feeling so overwhelmed and bombarded with everything. His response was essentially this is what he’s been doing all my life but the rules changed and he can’t keep up with figuring out the new rules. He was comfortable with the old rules.

So we started following that and there’s 7 year old me angry and overwhelmed wanting to know why we’re questioning her when she did her job well. She knew what to do and how to do it. She could navigate both of my parents as well as SD. She knew how to manipulate things to my advantage.

She’s angry that I’m questioning her abilities when it’s the world that changed, not her. It’s the world that suddenly got different rules without warning and without giving her the guidebook. She’s trying to navigate all the new rules but they keep escaping her and making it impossible to get a foothold

Her/Greg want so badly for Sarah to just take over and keep us in books that have no rules, no stress, just security.