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Hi, everyone!
A little about me. I got ill in my early teens, gradually worsening throughout adolescence. I'm diagnosed with C-PTSD with heavy dissociation and derealization.
I was asked by my psychologist to list traumatic events and contributors to my mental illness, by which I would have most wanted undone. This is to be used for knowing what to work on using EMDR.
From heaviest to mildest, for me:
* Existential dread. I was raised both Christian and atheist, and grappled with questions of eternity and heaven and hell from age of six. Each night way worse than an episode of physical assault where I thought now I'll die.
* Bullying in middle school. Daily. Pushed me outside of my window of tolerance.
* Unrequited love. I handled this like I handle everything else: suppress it - don't feel it - and thereby store it as some sort of emotional printer que.
* Domestic conflicts swept under the rug. As a thirteen year old I was under heavy peer pressure and stole something from home. My parents went completely ballistic, and I felt I had done something unforgivable. Not feeling I was forgiven, I sort of felt I didn't have parents anymore. We handle all conflicts small and large the same way: pretend they don't exist, i.e. sweeping under the rug.
* Cyber-bullying. This happened as an adult and only made existing symptoms worse.
* Physical assault at sixteen. Three young adults who took turns holding me, striking me. I lost my vision, everything went white. I thought I'd die now - which was a relief because I felt the existential dread I had temporarily resolve a little, like now finally now, it's happening. I have taken many beatings but never where I felt my life was in danger.
Now I've begun treating, now I'm going to two skilled psychologists.
I have only had maybe five sessions with the most skilled EMDR therapist but already I'm seeing results. I'm beginning to get back emotions I lost in my mid teens (anger), and work the other psychologist I'm beginning to feel a little libido again (he's treating cyber-bullying, which have this depression like response).
Both my psychologists support wholeheartedly psilocybin in my treatment. I just gotta find a good tripsitter. My most healing and eye opening experiences have all been on psilocybin. For me, and I only speak for myself, I feel like tripping on mushrooms is like going to the dentist: painful but useful. I just gotta dare to do it more often, and have the money for a safe setting.
Wish me luck, guys :)
A little about me. I got ill in my early teens, gradually worsening throughout adolescence. I'm diagnosed with C-PTSD with heavy dissociation and derealization.
I was asked by my psychologist to list traumatic events and contributors to my mental illness, by which I would have most wanted undone. This is to be used for knowing what to work on using EMDR.
From heaviest to mildest, for me:
* Existential dread. I was raised both Christian and atheist, and grappled with questions of eternity and heaven and hell from age of six. Each night way worse than an episode of physical assault where I thought now I'll die.
* Bullying in middle school. Daily. Pushed me outside of my window of tolerance.
* Unrequited love. I handled this like I handle everything else: suppress it - don't feel it - and thereby store it as some sort of emotional printer que.
* Domestic conflicts swept under the rug. As a thirteen year old I was under heavy peer pressure and stole something from home. My parents went completely ballistic, and I felt I had done something unforgivable. Not feeling I was forgiven, I sort of felt I didn't have parents anymore. We handle all conflicts small and large the same way: pretend they don't exist, i.e. sweeping under the rug.
* Cyber-bullying. This happened as an adult and only made existing symptoms worse.
* Physical assault at sixteen. Three young adults who took turns holding me, striking me. I lost my vision, everything went white. I thought I'd die now - which was a relief because I felt the existential dread I had temporarily resolve a little, like now finally now, it's happening. I have taken many beatings but never where I felt my life was in danger.
Now I've begun treating, now I'm going to two skilled psychologists.
I have only had maybe five sessions with the most skilled EMDR therapist but already I'm seeing results. I'm beginning to get back emotions I lost in my mid teens (anger), and work the other psychologist I'm beginning to feel a little libido again (he's treating cyber-bullying, which have this depression like response).
Both my psychologists support wholeheartedly psilocybin in my treatment. I just gotta find a good tripsitter. My most healing and eye opening experiences have all been on psilocybin. For me, and I only speak for myself, I feel like tripping on mushrooms is like going to the dentist: painful but useful. I just gotta dare to do it more often, and have the money for a safe setting.
Wish me luck, guys :)
