A State Called Is

LittleBigFoot

Confident
Volunteer regularly, preferable CASA
Baby steps. I don’t know if I can manage the time commitment necessary for CASA. However, the baby step is that I’ve applied to transcribe oral history interviews with the local Jewish Heritage Society. It’s something very similar to what I do for work, it has a low time per week commitment, and I am avid about preserving history. Only thing is I’m not Jewish and I’m hoping that doesn’t prevent them from taking me on.
 

LittleBigFoot

Confident
T today. We discussed quite a lot actually. Oddly the majority centered around dad and sexual boundary crossing there. Which has my mind going in crappy directions. I’d never thought of my dad molesting me, it was always my stepdad. I still don’t think dad necessarily did, but my T had questions and I can’t deny that my responses, looking from the outside in, were weird. Her big concerns were that him and I would kiss on the lips, up through to my teens, I’d be spanked naked with a bare hand relatively often and up into my teens, and the fact we’d occasionally share a room/bed because there wasn’t room for me to have my own space- including one of the times he was married and I’d sleep on the floor at the foot of their bed.

I don’t know. He wasn’t the one raping me so I don’t know how much I want to pay attention to this. Dad was a good man in his own f*cked up way.

In other news, I get to make the trauma timeline now and I’m kinda dreading it. Other homework is continuing nightly safe place meditation which is weirdly helping quite a lot and to do the temperature scale thing and depending where I land on that either do extra meditation and other stuff to lower it or check in with my parts if it’s already low and I’m good.

Lots to do this week. Abilify is doing pretty good, forces me to eat regularly which may end up being a good thing in the long run. I do have the dietitian appointment coming up soon. The only thing is I can’t not have nap time a couple hours after getting up. And I really really need that to lessen so I can get shit done each day. But when I’m up my mood and motivation is increasingly good.
 

LittleBigFoot

Confident
Question regarding timeline- do I include stuff I don’t remember? For instance, I was 2 when my dad attempted suicide in front of me and my brother. I don’t remember it, but I do know it probably counts as traumatic, or maybe not since he didn’t die? Just carted off in ambulance. It sticks out as a thing to me though cause my brother later told me that the only reason he bothered calling 911 was because I was there and so now it’s this weird shit that floats in the back of my mind.
 

LittleBigFoot

Confident
Bingeing has gotten bad. Sarah, my book girl is dropping back and letting Tina, my food binge-er take the place over. She doesn’t want to let go. She’s stressed about everything. She’s stressed about upcoming appointments, she’s stressed about work for some reason even though there’s been no trigger for that, she’s got this debilitating fear of being hungry and she’s trying to compensate by eating everything in sight.

Ugh. But hey, found my parts again 🙄.
 

LittleBigFoot

Confident
I don’t want to be at work right now. I’d much rather be at home eating some beef stew and huddled up in blankets and pillows and getting ready for sleep.

In other homework, finished and submitted my timeline- some stress but minimal cause words were minimum. She wanted me to keep it at very few key words per thing. But I *am* stressed that that means we will be going over those things in session. Which I’m not looking forward to at all.

I am also to be doing a TIPPs thing (DBT exercise) to help me notice my moods and basically check in with myself and either calm myself or check in with parts. Haven’t exactly worked on this yet though. I suck at this shit. I just want to sleep and not deal with anything frankly. Which I know, moms famous words, I’m just a lazy f*ck.
 

LittleBigFoot

Confident
Also, I’m in freaking pain. I’m regretting restarting birth control pills because shit I don’t remember the cramps being this bad. Sad shit is I’m nowhere near my projected period. Only second week of active pills so technically shouldn’t hit cramps for at least another couple weeks.
 

LittleBigFoot

Confident
Checking in with myself and I’m feeling good. There’s a grandmotherly part who showed up during session a bit ago and she’s here today. I haven’t named her yet. Other than maybe just grandma? (Or grandmother willow who is the bestest of all of Disney lol). She’s been prominent today and has kept me feeling very stable and calm and serene. I’ve gotten a couple loads of laundry done, weeded the outside garden, repotted the indoor succulents. Now working on putting away some of the laundry but starting to lose steam. Not feeling the usual guilt with the steam loss though. I think today I can acknowledge I got quite a bit done for it only being 930 in the morning.
 

LittleBigFoot

Confident
Today’s vibe is

Listen to the Music by the Doobie Brothers
Colors by the Black Pumas
The Wind by Cat Stevens
The River Song by Donovan
 
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LittleBigFoot

Confident
Ugh regulation where art thou?!?!

I can’t regulate anything about myself to save my soul it seems. Gardening was great but had to tear myself away even after losing the steam cause must.finish.this.moment. But the list of what needs finishing right that moment keeps growing the longer I’m doing anything. I can’t seem to have just one project and do just that.

Maybe the grandmother part is actually hypomania?
 

LittleBigFoot

Confident
Imposter syndrome is a bitch.

Me everyday every call at work: oh god this is the one. I messed up. I’m going to get my ass handed to me. This one was the last straw because it was just so freaking bad.

Reality: so let’s look at your scores this week. So out of the 5 you have 4 100’s and the other one was just a missed word so you got a 98. Now let’s look at blah blah (moving on essentially).

Every single damn week. Why the hell can’t my brain accept the things they tell me and actually hold onto that info all week long?
 
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