A State Called Is

[LittleBigFoot]

Daily Check In

Anxiety: So bad today. He wants freedom. But I don't know what that freedom looks like. He's tired of having all these constraints on everything but won't tell me what will fix it beyond just getting on disability like it's so damn simple.

Anger: Is a thing today. At myself. When I talk to her I just get a cold shoulder. She won't say what's wrong or why she is angry. Anyone have that happen with your parts?

Binge: Chocolate donuts for the win. Especially when you're sick af. What the hell was I thinking?

Reading: Can't. But leaning towards softer/funnier/sweeter/Hero saves heroine type romances when I'm able to think about it.

Manager: Soooo disappointed in my behavior. Angry that I am not at work, angry that I am sick. Angry that I have fallen way off any bandwagon of self care.

Artsy/Adventurous: Not present.

Anything new: As far as parts, just a little girl part showing up who says she wants me to accept the bipolar diagnosis. That it gives her validation.

Not eating in car: Nope, today the donuts happened in the car.

3 square meals: Ummm no.

Meal frequency: Terrible.

Home weighing: Haven't done this at least.

Soda size: Had half a small so I suppose that's okay.

Kitchen table breakfast: Will need to clean off the kitchen table first. . . .

Any other thoughts: I hate her. Kidding, I truly don't, I love her. I just hate that it feels like therapy twice a week and I'm overwhelmed.

Overall mood: So so so very low.

Level of interest in things I enjoy: Nonexistent.

Energy: Nonexistent. I feel like I'm trudging through a bog.

Concentration: So bad. I'm amazed I've managed this far in the post.

Appetite: Not very high, except for chocolate.

Sleep: So bad, I slept all night and 80% of the day.

Thoughts of death or suicide: Yes. Ideation is creeping up.

Overindulgence in risky behavior: I don't know. I could have powered through being sick and be at work tonight but I chose not to and I'm hating myself for it and feel like this is part of the risky behavior because I feel like I'm faking and work will find out and fire me.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

T will be happening in about an hour and I dunno what I even want to say or talk about.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Should probably talk about the fact that my finger is on the self destruct button. . . There's a guy acting interested. He's not cute, not clever, not anything special. Yet I'm chatting him up in the hopes we can meet up cause I need to feel something.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Daily Check In

Anxiety: I am definitely feeling anxious today. I got paperwork from disability randomly that I thought they had denied me but now they want to do some sort of recorded interview. Which I'm going to do just to see if maybe there wasn't a total denial, but its causing flashbacks with the whole recorded thing. So that isn't sitting well.

Anger: Talked a lot about anger in T today. Anger at myself for staying home while sick. We tried to make the argument that not only is it self care to do so which is something we are working on but it also protects other employees just in case what I have is communicable. It's likely not as the doctor is assuming food poisoning but had to do a covid test anyway and still waiting for results on that.

Binge: Thankfully nonexistent today.

Reading: Managing to get back into reading. Dove into a really good book that I'm not skimming and I'm genuinely enjoying.

Manager: Working on not being so angry that my routine is all screwed up. Discovered a mom part here/inner critic telling me all of this is just a weakness and I shouldn't be like this.

Artsy/Adventurous: Not present.

Anything new: An inner critic/mom part showing up to tell me how weak I am. 'nother day in the neighborhood.

Not eating in car: Didn't go anywhere so didn't happen. Wanted to though.

3 square meals: Um I tried?

Meal frequency: Ugh, just be glad I've eaten. I'll jump back on as soon as I'm back at work.

Home weighing: Been a good girl and only did it twice. . . .

Soda size: No soda today!

Kitchen table breakfast: Did it!

Any other thoughts: Probably but brain is slowly going offline.

Overall mood: Not great. But not as low as it's been.

Level of interest in things I enjoy: Nada.

Energy: I'm trying and I don't know what's wrong with me.

Concentration: Better, I can focus for a good 10 minutes on one task before freaking out.

Appetite: Not much of one today.

Sleep: Only napped for like two hours after a full nights sleep. . . .yikes. . .

Thoughts of death or suicide: It would make things so much simpler. . . .

Overindulgence in risky behavior: Almost self destructed this morning. Had a guy interested and was kind of seeing where it was going but it thankfully fizzled out before I made a bad mistake. Still kind of want to but also not feeling quite as driven. Let's keep it that way.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Things always happen in groupings I swear. Worst thing about today though? My sister just had a heart attack. Minor but still. Wasn’t ready for this today.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Ugh good dreams gone bad. It started out so idyllic I was helping run a small pet shop. Mostly reptiles and fish and stuff. Made a few changes and then the nightmare portion began of literally being overrun by dead bodies and it being my fault.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

I've been isolating really hard and I need to break out of it but I just don't want to yet.
I hate therapy right now, it's all about dynamics with mom and I already know those aren't good.
I hate the dietitian right now, not really. I just hate everything lately.
I am supposed to do some kind of self care today (and this week) but just don't know what I want.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

Is self harm ideation a thing? I feel like it should be. I’ve got regular old SI hitting pretty hard as it is. But I’ve also got fantasies ruminating over and over of cutting or at minimum scratching/carving. Just haven’t picked the blade up yet.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

One of my dietitian goals this week is to come up with a list of non appearance based markers for weight loss/goals. And I’m struggling af to come up with any.

 

[joeylittle]

The specific fit of clothes? That can be a helpful one for me. Even though most of what I wear is super-baggy, I can still notice when shirts hang lower on my body, pants appear longer, underwear is looser, etc.

 

[LittleBigFoot]

The specific fit of clothes? That can be a helpful one for me. Even though most of what I wear is super-baggy, I can still notice when shirts hang lower on my body, pants appear longer, underwear is looser, etc.

I think I will try this one again. When she initially was talking about it I said “how my clothes fit” and her response was if I noticed that that’s still kind of appearance based. Which I think it can be but also, not. Because say tight clothing (because of being bigger) is more uncomfortable to wear then loose clothing (from being smaller) isn’t appearance it’s just how comfortable it is. I think. So I think I’ll try again on it.

Rest of list I’ve come up with:

Improved regularity

Stamina/energy

Ability to lift more

Maybe less bloating? But I don’t know if that’s a marker so much as just whatever you eat/drink at the moment.

Being able to hear both hunger and satiety cues

Stronger feeling of control

Lower blood pressure

More in control blood sugar (currently it tanks randomly but never gets high enough for prediabetes. It does weird shit)

Better sleep

Decreased risk of well everything

That’s all I got.

 

[joeylittle]

Which I think it can be but also, not. Because say tight clothing (because of being bigger) is more uncomfortable to wear then loose clothing (from being smaller) isn’t appearance it’s just how comfortable it is. I think.

I 100% agree with you. I don't think noticing fit has to be appearance-based, at all. I know I track a whole lot of things based on how my bra is fitting - not at all because of how it looks - it just happens to be this incredibly consistent thing that I interact with (almost) daily....so I notice. And in that example - it's not even related to comfort, it's about as value-neutral as I can get. It just...is.

I also agree about noticing comfort, and that's completely experiential. Doesn't even involve looking in a mirror.

And, I think the rest of your list is really great, too.