A Therapist Who Creates Problems To Solve Them?

[Molly Anne]

Has anyone had an experience with a therapist where you feel like they create problems in order to solve them. I'm not just talking about them eliciting certain thoughts/memories... but generalizing one's problems, categorizing the patient (me) based on classic therapy techniques, or even suggesting issues that may not exist. I've had an excellent psychiatrist back home for years, but don't see him much anymore due to distance and cost. I'm concerned that my new therapist in town is entirely too generic for my thoughts and feelings, and tends to want to use rather elementary methods that just anger me. A friend thinks she's good for me because she's challenging my stubborn nature - but I get nervous before a session and leave in tears. I just don't think it should be this frustrating. Thoughts?

 

[James B.]

Generally speaking Molly Anne, to make progress with a therapist on something that may be really hard, like trauma stuff, it's (often considered) essential to build a rapport. Part of building a rapport, is trust. If you cannot see the trust/rapport happening, then maybe seek another service provider.

 

[Molly Anne]

I think you may be right on this one. Had some advice in the chat room earlier, too... and I might just have to go with my gut and try someplace else. When talking to my mom I compared it to going on a really bad date - you shouldn't continue to date someone you aren't comfortable with - why should therapy be any different? Or if you don't like roller coasters, you might try once or twice to see if it's just fear, but beyond that you're just torturing yourself... You're right about the trust bit, definitely! Thanks for the advice!

 

[BloomInWinter]

Molly Anne,

Can you give us more info?

 

[Molly Anne]

Examples:

Therapist is a long-time member of AA. I didn't know this when selecting her. She makes references to AA two or three times a session, and tells me how things are done there. I really don't think it's relevant to my situation, and so that bothers me. Here's some examples:

I'm having trouble just "letting go" and she asked if I have a high IQ and I responded yes so she said "In AA they're always the ones that just can't get it... because it's so simple." So now I felt defensive about being intelligent. Ugh.

Therapist didn't like that I was viewing some activities my ex was doing on facebook so she says "You have GOT to get off that facebook... if an alcoholic went to a bar eventually they're going to drink."

Therapist doesn't seem to like that I'm a generally melancholy person and I'm OK with that... so she said if I can't begin to like myself "All your relationships will fail."
I like myself fine honestly, I just am not always happy. I do want to find ways to be happy, I just don't think it's required in order to have a successful relationship. I like who I am, happy or not.

I'm visiting therapist to resolve issues in recent lost relationship, but she is trying to treat "mommy/daddy issues." In last session she brought up transference and implied that's why I don't agree with some of her methods or word choices. Frankly, I just think she's brash and not always professional.

I think she doesn't understand or agree with his PTSD and believes he was just lying and/ or playing me. She even said "What got you to this point that you believe you deserve to be treated like this?" which put me on the defensive. All I ever did was love him - and he came back from deployment different - and left me - and I'm having a hard time grieving and moving on. That's what I want to work on. Now she seems stuck between acting as though he's just an a**hole giving me a hard time and my inability to maintain a reasonable relationship. I'm tired of feeling like I have to be on the defensive in my process of grieving.

On paper this all sounds very trivial but when I'm there it just makes me highly uncomfortable.

 

[goingonhope]

Actually Molly Anne I think I understand, and I don't think it is trivial. In fact I'd agree that you should go with your gut and keep it as simple as that. Trust your gut with this one. I could explain why I think you ought to do so, but really you already know IMO, it doesn't even require words.

 

[Molly Anne]

Ok good thank you for your response!

 

[BloomInWinter]

None of that sounds trival.

All are relevant concerns.

The thing is....you will gain much by standing up to her and confronting the comments you don't care for.

I'd begin with telling her you don't care for her references to AA. She may not be aware of it irritating you. It's important that you feel comfortable with her credibility.

Perhaps something such as 'I don't care for your references to AA because...' and let her know.She can't change that tactic until she's made aware of it. But it's freaking HARD...it took me months to ask about my T.'s qualifications....and I felt irritation from him, which didn't feel good. But I'm paying him, you know? So what if he's irritated...I needed to have more information to feel comfortable.

...and I needed to be able to say something and risk disapproval...and come out the other side.

 

[Molly Anne]

I agree that's a good point. I am just not sure if I will ever feel comfortable with her. But I'll consider it and see how I feel. It's definitely good to have the advice and ideas here to think about.

 

[BloomInWinter]

It's ok to feel whatever you feel about it.

You deserve to know, express, and honor your feelings. Whatever they are.

...and wherever your journey takes you, you are not alone. Your pain is not invisible.

Speak kindly to yourself, (((((Molly Anne))))... you are being very brave to face your feelings.

 

[maddog]

I think that some fledgling relationships are worth working on, which in this case would involve tackling those points of disconnection and discomfort, eg the AA references.

But I also think that some relationships just don't promise a lot of potential, and there's only one person who can spot the difference, and that's you, and there's only one way you can do that, and that's instinct. Sadly, the building of a therapeutic relationship, like the building of any relationship, isn't a science, it's an art form that requires you to "go with your gut" or to just go with what feels right... or wrong.

As others have said, nothing you have outlined seems trivial, actually it all sounds very awkward and I empathised with your discomfort and frustration just trying to envisage these exchanges.

If you feel it's worth the effort, I would encourage you to square up to her about some of these issues and to see if perhaps you can't negotiate some middle ground.

But if it truly feels wrong, then go with that "first date" analogy and consider an alternative.

Good luck - let us know how you go?

Maddog

 

[Molly Anne]

I decided to cancel. Yesterday I felt so relieved when I didn't have to go to my appointment. Instead I called a friend, had a good cry and a beer, and took a two hour nap. Then I went to the gym to run and then the outdoor chapel downtown to pray. It was totally blissful and I even got a full night sleep. I'm really happy with my decision. I'm going to look for someone else to talk to, but I'm really relieved I didn't go to her and come home in tears again. I think she did help me through a few really hard weeks, but I just didn't feel the need to continue to attend and work on the issues she was inventing. I'm really proud of my choice. Yay! :)