A Threat To Have "help" Forced On Me.

[Justmehere]

I hope you're feeling okay after all of this. Please do not be afraid to reach out to your friends

Thanks @GWhizz. Posting here has really helped me sort through this a lot. I’m beginning to feel a lot less angry.
@Solara – I think you are really right that it is best to not contact her at all and that she is a direct threat to my safety.

I told her on the phone, well, I yelled at her, “what happens if I get a rash on my arm, you see it, and I say I don’t want to go to the doctor, are you going to try to have me forcibly hauled off to the ER?! I’m not safe around you! No you can’t pick me up to drive me to a hotel. No!” I really think you are right. Her own past is fueling her drive to save me, and it’s just too dangerous.

Sending a self-pity text about deserving punishment isn't a reason for someone to lose their freedom and be hauled off to the ER! (OK, I think that we can agree that deserving punishment is along the lines of self pity, right? I struggle with this, too.)

Yep, it was s self pitying low self esteem, bad things happen to me because I must be bad, kind of text. Not a life threatening matter. I yelled at her, “You want the ER to treat me for bad self esteem?! Are you kidding me?!” sigh. Two days later, she was clear that she would do it again.
@Springer80

She is behaving like a martyr and people like that are dangerous because they think that there self-serving actions are convincingly about others, when they are anything but.

It was so much all about her. She didn’t tell me she was concerned for my safety. She didn’t ask me to go to the ER. She didn’t ask me to contact a doctor, counselor, or crisis line. She demanded I call HER. She didn’t even ask, it was HER that was going to save me. Either SHE was going to talk me out of whatever safety issue I was having or SHE was going to send the police to rescue me. If I was truly in a life threatening situation, my goodness, what the heck was she going to do about it? She should have just called the police or required I speak to a counselor or doctor. If I was so “irrational” then what good would a phone call with her do anyhow? It might make her feel better, but she doesn’t have the skill or training to handle a life threatening crisis if there really was one!

@GoHungry – the martyr bit really got to me. When she said she wasn’t going to be around mutual friends for my sake, that really got to me. If most people would have said that, I would have just simply said, hey, that’s really not necessary. With her, it felt so “oh, look at me, I am going to do this great sacrifice just for justmehere.” She even offered to pay for “your expenses from the harm I caused.” When she said that, I told her, “you can’t fix this even with money, stop trying!”
It drives me nuts because she acts so nice and so helping and so compassionate, but it’s so much all about her and how she is feeling. It is all fueled by her anxiety like a raging forest fire.

I think it is a very good idea to work on letting go and not mentioning any details to friends. I’m tempted to tell them she keeps trying to have her friends hauled off to the ER, in order to warn others. But that would just invite more drama about her and around her.

On second thoughts, if your friends ask, say you haven't got the time or energy to be dealing with that shit. You are far more concerned about your living arrangements and legal fight.

I think that is a very do-able response to tell mutual friends I have WAY too much on my plate to even talk about her. Thankfully, she lives out of town (only 20 minutes away), so it’s not hard to say that it takes too much time to spend time with her right now.
Laura 2
You have had to deal with friends like this twice? Yikes! So sorry you have had to deal with this too. It is all very narcissistic! And it is done with a drive to feel power and in control about things that they feel the slightest anxiety about. Thanks for sharing what you had to deal with. It really helped me feel a lot less crazy. It is ME-ME-ME. [/QUOTE]
@ghotiff - It does almost seem a bit like Muchausens by proxy!

Did she ever disclose what her trauma was?

Lots of childhood trauma. She didn’t mention any adult trauma. She did say she had been in talk therapy for 18 years, since she was 17. She made some mention that her therapist told her to make new friends and connections. She also said her therapist encouraged her to “seek less to be helped, and to seek more opportunities to help others.” She said that in the context of showing me a photo of her volunteering.

I think her therapist has NO CLUE she is a compulsive caretaker to the point of being really boundary busting and dangerous. She is rather attention seeking even about volunteering.

@Go Hungry has an interesting point, and I wonder if your impulse to "fix" the relationship is based on fear? I find myself often trying hard to "fix" a relationship when someone I'm drawn to or an authority figure is mean to me...weird, I know unfortunately, I'm learning that this is a knee-jerk "fear of abandonment" issue from the past.

This makes so much sense to me. I am very deeply drawn to fix anyone in authority who is being a jerk. For a moment, she tried to have authority over me. And I felt so compelled to fix not just the situation, but I felt compelled to fix her response to me. Show her the error of her ways.

I think your friend is dangerous and has more problems than you possibly do.

This made me smile because I have a lot of problems so it is saying something to say someone has more problems than me! Thanks for the feedback.

@Solara and @Laura 2 - I think you are both right that it is best to not even try engaging her or even engaging anyone else about her. I am tempted to send a letter to police, but they wouldn’t likely care or do anything about it.

 

[billie]

O my gosh. This is awful. I hope you are okay. I think I would have lost it too.

 

[silkleaves]

Oh man, just reading what happened made my heart race... I could not in any way shape or form have been able to handle that. Seriously, I'm going to have to say kudos to you for getting out of your apartment to take a breather instead of flip out inside waiting and dreading the inevitable, and standing up to her like that. I'm very knee jerk, I would never have returned home and would be sleeping in my car til I find a new place to live.

There are only 2 people in my life (besides kiddo who lives with me) that knows where I live... my boss, who gets lost and cant find his way here whenever he needs to come pick me up, and my friend who I brought over here for my housewarming 2 years ago... I'm pretty sure she has no clue anymore of where my place is. Right about now, I'm feeling very relieved no one knows where I live, because that whole situation right there...that would do me in. (ETA...as a side note LoL my friend and my ex were the only two people I invited to my housewarming... and my ex didn't show up. So I had a 50% turnout rate LoL! but yeah...)

That was a threat, and not from a good place or a good heart, seriously. You are not in any way over-reacting. And while yeah, I can understand the whole thing of apologizing for yelling and wanting to fix things, even as I would have likely done the exact same thing, from the outside in, you have nothing to apologize for. She kept pushing you and threatening you until you rightfully so snapped. Even someone of sound mind would flip out if someone demanded they call them at 3am or else they will call the police. That's just wrong on so many levels.

That is someone that needs to be cut out of your life pronto. Especially since you have apologized to her for how you reacted, she will see that as you admitting you were wrong, she was right, and that if she sees fit to do that to you again, she will. Don't even let that happen... I'm so creeped out just thinking about it.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that....

 

[NovemberStar]

@Justmehere I think you're right - it WAS all about her - and I think that her mother committed suicide has left her hyper-vigilant and hyper-sensitive to anyone else doing the same. I'm willing to bet that if you had a rash, she wouldn't be as 'concerned' - again, I'm purely guessing here - but due to her having experienced suicide from someone vey close, it's likely any situation where she perceives someone to be very stressed and at risk of suicide, that triggers her intense over-reaction.

My first response when reading your post was 'she's crazy man!!' But stepping back a little I can see it didn't happen in a vacuum. I'm guessing (purely guessing) if her mother killed herself when your 'friend' was young then it made her feel incredibly powerless - and so she IS trying to be in the caretaker role. How else would her wounded self try to feel some power in the situation if it presented itself again?

For all we know, maybe your situation is an absolute trigger - maybe her mother was homeless or not able to find somewhere to live and that pushed her over the edge. (Playing devils advocate here)

I'm not saying she was right, I'm not saying you were wrong. If it happened to me, I'd feel incredibly scared of the intensity she demonstrated.

But I guess I am seeing her behaviour through the eyes of a lens with some compassion and (maybe) some understanding. Yes - her behaviour was about her - but I can see it's coming from a place of profound fear and grief.

You said she has PTSD. She's much like us then - we respond pretty intensely to being triggered. Our responses don't always make sense when we are triggered badly.

I'm pretty sure (aka KNOW;)) throughout the years of my being unwell I certainly have had many moments where I look back and feel a lot of shame and think 'well I certainly could have handled that better!'. Chances are, in time, this will be one of those situations for her too.

 

[Laura 2]

Thanks for sharing what you had to deal with. It really helped me feel a lot less crazy.

I'm just so glad that you felt less crazy! Which is one of the wonderful benefits of this forum...we think we're so alone in the craziness that happens to us or in which we get embroiled, yet chances are that many others have been there too. (I just don't tell ANYONE how I'm really feeling now, because of this sort of crazy, kneejerk reaction which is frighteningly widespread. And then the 'experts' tell us that we're 'avoidant', 'non-communicative', self-isolating'....like we become that way in a vacuum...Tch.)

 

[jmni]

So apparently this person is bored and feels entitled to threaten her friends with the police if she feels ignored? When I was a youngster my mother had a controlling friend who was very demanding and invasive. She would invite herself everywhere and we as a group wound up going to her home at least once a week. At one point we collectively decided to dismiss her. After we made excuses and ignored calls, we received a message saying that there was an emergency and we needed to come now. So we did; there was no emergency and she didn't even bother to explain herself. She just sat there smirking at us like she had gotten us for choosing not to associate with her.

You have every right to be angry. She should be embarrassed.

Clearly she is overwhelming. She's an "emotional predator" for sure. But also this is criminal behaviour. Calling / txting in the middle of the night to talk about housing is just really creepy. She tried to get you to talk to her under false pretences, she threatened you with the police. She threatened, lured, lied. So it's also just predator behaviour. She could be prosecuted for stalking for doing this kind of thing.

@Justmehere If she's this crazy, then they probably already know. Don't lie for this woman. If they ask, tell them.

Otherwise, I would try to laugh it off.

 

[Lina007]

Get rid of this friend. She needs attention for herself, is misguided, and not a therapist or mental health care professional. To avoid unnecessary drama, and aggravation, I would advise against having anything to do with anyone who insists on control of this nature, with threats should you not comply. I would cut her out of my life entirely.

 

[iwillbeme]

It doesn't seem like she is trying to force help to you at all. it sounds like she perhaps has a set of insecurities that are fueling her. If i were you. I would keep talking with your friends if they choose to bring it up. Roll your eyes and say 'the drama level in that conversation is more the either one of us want right now!' I find most people dont like awkward conversations or being put i the middle of a quarrel.
As for over reacting. We all do it. I know i cant trust my own emotions when it comes to fear. Dont be to hard on yourself. What i find helps is having time between conversations. When you want to confront someone. Dont. Wait a few hours or a day. It sounds to me like she wants to continue this. Just ignore the texts.
hope it all works out :-)