A Trigger, And Then I Create Problems

[AqueousAndroid]

I have post traumatic stress disorder from witnessing something horrific at a young age (you can read my introduction for further information). I have not properly dealt with the depression or anger or the other feelings that arise when a trigger comes up. One of the most recent triggers for me was Mother's Day.

For 2 years, I have been dating a man who has a child. A few days prior to Mother's Day, my boyfriend told me he was going to take his child out to buy the mother a mother's day present. I got really quiet because I didn't want to think about how sad/mad/depressed I am about my own mother's passing (she committed suicide and I bore witness). This(meaning the "conversation" with my boyfriend) was a good three weeks ago.

In the past week and a half I brought it up to my boyfriend (for some reason???) that I wasn't happy with the way he never shows me any affection. We got to talking about it and it became clear to me that he just shows his affection in ways I'm not used to.

Then a few days ago we had a few hours long conversation about the things that aren't ok in the relationship. I said some things I really shouldn't have, and he said some things that were hard for me to handle as well. We came to the conclusion that we have to take a few days to figure out if we need a break or not.

The past few days I haven't been able to sleep properly, or stop crying. I feel like he has so many reasons to abandon me. I am damaged. Right now, I don't know what to do with all of my emotions. I am trying to really examine my post traumatic stress disorder and to heal, but it's so incredibly painful. I don't know what to do with the emotions. I think I am just destroying the relationship. I don't understand why I am doing it. I am in pain from dealing with stuff having to do with my trauma and now also dealing with the mess I've made for my boyfriend and I.

I am truly sorry if any of this sounds whiney, but I am incredibly upset about it all. It's weighing very heavily on my mind....all of it. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I am curious though for further reference if there are resources for significant others who are dating individuals with post traumatic stress disorder. Even if things don't work out with this man and myself, maybe the resource can help the next person I see.

Thanks again.

 

[silkleaves]

You don't sound whiney at all... but maybe that's because I can see myself in that situation. I too have a way of sabotaging relationships. Even before things with PTSD got very rough, it still spilled out every so often and I just passed it off as me being infuriating (as my ex's would describe me)

I wasn't diagnosed or know totally,really what was going on with me until after my last relationship, which ended 4yrs ago. Sort of got involved with a guy a few months ago, but never actually made it to relationship stage...I was unhappy, pushing off and being my usual self...even with this time being aware, that didn't help with how I behaved. Yup, frustrating...you're not alone.

 

[AqueousAndroid]

I too have a way of sabotaging relationships.

Thank you for the proper language. It does sting to read that, but it's the reality. I haven't really dated that much honestly. This is my 2nd significant relationship (at 25..that's sad, *laugh*), and I know I am bound to make mistakes. I also just wanted to say thank you so much for responding, because I don't feel normal right now. I feel like I am exploding with emotion and that there is only one person I want to have holding me and comforting me, but I realize too that isn't healthy either.

 

[Tinyflame]

I think it's self-sabotage. For myself, & I am not young, I now understand the happier the occasion or the better the person the more I feel I should stay away from them, for their sake. It's like feeling contagious. :(

I think it's almost like backing out of my own life, not just relationships. I actually feel happy others are happy & I can sort of disappear out of memory.[DOUBLEPOST=1400952246,1400952009][/DOUBLEPOST]What I mean is I find too I do it sub-consciously, not even with awareness, exactly. Being honest though it probably isn't exactly by accident, because that belief is there, so I feel compelled it's better to follow suit.

 

[AqueousAndroid]

It's like feeling contagious

I just burst into tears reading this. It's so true. I am afraid that I have completely ruined everything. He has come back around before. I don't expect him to this time, but if he does he is a keeper. If not, then he'll make someone else very happy.

 

[Caterpillar]

It's like feeling contagious. :(.

I feel this too and it's so hard to deal with. I logically know the problems the people around me have can't really be my fault, but when everyone has so many problems I'm left feeling like the common denominator is me and that they would be better off if I ended the relationships and went away. I've discarded friendships and romantic relationships for this kind of thinking before and it's still a struggle not to do it again, though I know it's unhealthy and that I actually hurt people by disappearing.

 

[Lidia]

If not, then he'll make someone else very happy.

The very fact that you say this is very encouraging! As someone who is trying to hold on to a person with PTSD, I am relieved to hear that you are so positive. From the other side, it is hard to accept that the person wants us to be happy without them. I know this sounds selfish but...romantic love is a selfish thing and if a person wants you, they want you. They don't want someone else. Why deny them that gift, no matter the conditions at which if can be offered due to the illness? Please try to understand what I mean. Ultimately, a person who cares, cares for the person, not the illness. What is due to the illness should be considered separately and we should both make allowances for it (not saying it is easy...I am finding it is really not). I mean...would a cancer sufferer have to feel bad/guilty/contagious for doing/not doing certain things or behave in a certain way with loved ones? No! Then, why would that be different for PTSD sufferers? I hope this does not sound aggressive. It is intended in the opposite way. Be kind to yourself. :hug:

 

[Dee Morris]

I sabotage as well. Every single relationship, every single time. As soon as I start to care or whenever I am triggered. The biggest way I self sabotage in relationships by choosing relationships with people that lack long term potential. Sometimes I feel like I'm too damaged for anyone good. So when I meet someone that IS good, I push them away because it's just a matter of time before they figure out how screwed up I am and blow me off. There's a part of me that needs to be in control of the situation. I guess I tell myself that if I control the breakup, I can control the pain involved.

 

[Laura 2]

Thing is, Lydia, it may not be you pressurising your BF or AqueousAndroid or JuneBug's loved ones pressuring them but nonetheless we PTSD sufferers do soak up the general message from many others around that we should feel bad/guilty/contagious etc. I know I certainly have and it's had a hugely detrimental effect, sometimes I just feel I should crawl away into a corner and just die to relieve them - all the while knowing intellectually that I've done nothing wrong to deserve this.

And cancer sufferers can feel just the same - my friend died of breast cancer a few years ago, her selfish husband was vile to her, even hitting her because she dared to be dying and leaving him. I called the hospice discreetly when she told me and they said this was common. As a species, we're not too kind to each other.

 

[Lidia]

@Laura 2 , I understand what you say in relation to PTSD...ach, I just I wish I knew what to do...indeed he has been pulling away more and more and it seems that I am doomed whatever I do. If I try to make him see that things are OK, that I am still here for him as a partner, he seems to not accept that because he feels I should be punishing him by going away. If I stay away, he does not contact me. When I eventually contact him, he is clearly worried that his behaviour may have affected me and says that he thought I had given up on him. Today I have tried to just be there for him, not as a girlfriend but more as a friend. It seems to work but then I wonder whether he will read this as me only wanting to be friends now...it's like walking on eggshells...:(

 

[Lidia]

my friend died of breast cancer a few years ago, her selfish husband was vile to her, even hitting her because she dared to be dying and leaving him. I called the hospice discreetly when she told me and they said this was common. As a species, we're not too kind to each other.

Wow...my father died of cancer nearly 5 years ago and we kept our smile on our face for him to the last day (he did not know he was going). I took a year out of the PhD to be there with him and my mum nursed him with the utmost love and care every hour of every day, knowing that her reward would be to lose the man she had been with since age 16 and with whom she shared absolutely every experience in life until her mid-50s. Her soul died with him, though she is still here. So kindness is there but it takes deep, effortful love to be selfless. I hope I can be like my mother in my relationship with this guy.

 

[Tinyflame]

I just feel I should crawl away into a corner and just die to relieve them - all the while knowing intellectually .

Exactly, same as I'd describe.

Yes it's hard to feel like I am any 'gift', personally. Actually impossible.