A very unfortunate coincidence! New T has same name as person who sexually assaulted me.

[BlueSkiesAhead]

At the start of the year I decided to ask my GP about options for helping with anxiety. He suggested making an appointment with the practice therapist (psychologist).

I booked an appointment with them and have spoken to them over the phone but have yet to see them face to face (my fist face to face session is next week) - I’m dreading it.

When I initially booked the appointment I thought I would be seeing a female therapist because my GP said (she is very nice). However when I logged on to check the appointment date I noticed it was a male therapist. Then I noticed his name.. he has the same first name as the person who sexually assaulted me, what a crappy coincidence.

Since then I have been having a stupid and I know it’s irrational thought that what if it’s actually him... I haven’t seen him face to face yet and it’s kind of triggering me on and off when I think about it. I keep imagining walking in and it’s him sat in front of me. I also think this is making all of the flashbacks from what happened worse.

I know it’s only a name and I don’t even know if I will mention it to the therapist because I would feel bad. I mean it’s not his fault he has the same name but it’s a crappy coincidence all the same and I have even considered if it might be too much then I try to remind myself it’s just a name.

Is this something you would mention and if so how might you approach it? Like I said above I’m not sure if I would or if it’s worth mentioning but yeah it’s just why does it have to be that name...

 

[Teamwork]

It would be good for him to know, otherwise he won’t know where all the other signals, stressors , anxieties are coming from. I otherwise have no clue how you would find out what he looks like, in advance of the appointment or how else to alleviate the anxiety until then.

 

[Sideways]

To me, when I have to meet a new T for the first time (a situation I’ve been in a lot!!), it’s a bit like I accumulate a list of reasons why I’m strung out about this particular T. There’s reasons for: male, different part of town, appointment at a bad time of day, beard, not enough windows.

A lot of the time, these are simply me being strung out about meeting a new T (normal and perfectly valid, because it is stressful), and my brain is analysing the situation down to the last bread crumb (normal thing to do when something feels unsafe).

T’s almost universally start an appointment with asking how you are. That’s a great time to throw it out there. They know you’re probably super-stressed. But it’s helpful to let them know why. And his first name? Is a perfectly understandable reason why you’d be uncomfortable.

I did have one T who insisted I see one of his colleagues, rather than continue seeing him, because the list of physical and situational similarities between him in his office and my abuse was too long. Right down to the type of carpet and the shape and size of the window, as well as a shittonne of physical similarities.

So, sometimes, the similarities do end up being too much of a hurdle (and sometimes, an unnecessary hurdle) that it’s worth looking elsewhere. But for me, I’m not going to be able to assess that until I’ve gone along and given it a go, because most of the stress? Is actually just the stress and panic that goes along with seeing a new T.

 

[grit]

Aside all the other things that are making you struggle, if you do not tell this, I honestly think you are not doing yourself any favours for getting help. I mean you cannot open your own bag of issues if you cannot get over this man's name is similar to the person who hurt you. You will waste time, money, effort. Of course there is also another possibility that you meet him and by the sheer force he isnot the person who hurt you, you may naturally lessen the defenses and actually see for who he is. The way you wrote this tells me, the first is more likely than the second. It is Ok to even say you have similar name to my assailant and let him make the differentiation for you.

 

[BlueSkiesAhead]

It would be good for him to know, otherwise he won’t know where all the other signals, stressors , anxieties are coming from. I otherwise have no clue how you would find out what he looks like, in advance of the appointment or how else to alleviate the anxiety until then.

Thanks for replying Teamwork, that’s true. Because I haven’t seen him face to face yet he has no idea of my background really as we only touched on my social anxiety on the phone. I just feel a bit silly mentioning it when there’s nothing he can do about it. My rational brain can understand the likelihood of it being that person is very very small. I don’t even live in the same town any more it’s just the irrational and anxious part that keeps bringing it up.

 

[The Albatross]

I had to normalize a triggering name. I named a boat, I named my cat, I gave myself an online nickname on another forum... til it normalized. The name isn't a trigger anymore.

 

[BlueSkiesAhead]

To me, when I have to meet a new T for the first time (a situation I’ve been in a lot!!), it’s a bit like I accumulate a list of reasons why I’m strung out about this particular T. There’s reasons for: male, different part of town, appointment at a bad time of day, beard, not enough windows.

A lot of the time, these are simply me being strung out about meeting a new T (normal and perfectly valid, because it is stressful), and my brain is analysing the situation down to the last bread crumb (normal thing to do when something feels unsafe).

T’s almost universally start an appointment with asking how you are. That’s a great time to throw it out there. They know you’re probably super-stressed. But it’s helpful to let them know why. And his first name? Is a perfectly understandable reason why you’d be uncomfortable.

I did have one T who insisted I see one of his colleagues, rather than continue seeing him, because the list of physical and situational similarities between him in his office and my abuse was too long. Right down to the type of carpet and the shape and size of the window, as well as a shittonne of physical similarities.

So, sometimes, the similarities do end up being too much of a hurdle (and sometimes, an unnecessary hurdle) that it’s worth looking elsewhere. But for me, I’m not going to be able to assess that until I’ve gone along and given it a go, because most of the stress? Is actually just the stress and panic that goes along with seeing a new T.

Hi Sideways, thank you for sharing your experience I really appreciate it.

This is only the second time I have seen someone the last time was around 10 years ago and I can’t think of any memories from it.

I will be going to my appointment next week even though I keep thinking I really don’t want to (anxiety) but once I have seen him and had the first face to face appointment I think I will be able to gauge how things might go from there and if I feel comfortable.

I really am hoping it will be okay because I don’t think I would be up for waiting for another t to work with and then going through the anxiety of the first meeting again.

 

[BlueSkiesAhead]

Aside all the other things that are making you struggle, if you do not tell this, I honestly think you are not doing yourself any favours for getting help. I mean you cannot open your own bag of issues if you cannot get over this man's name is similar to the person who hurt you. You will waste time, money, effort. Of course there is also another possibility that you meet him and by the sheer force he isnot the person who hurt you, you may naturally lessen the defenses and actually see for who he is. The way you wrote this tells me, the first is more likely than the second. It is Ok to even say you have similar name to my assailant and let him make the differentiation for you.

Thanks for your reply Grit.

I understand what you’re saying. I’m hoping once I have seen and spoken to him in person it will maybe ease my mind a bit and make things a little easier. I have huge anxieties about going before I found out his name that just added to it really. And if I’m honest I don’t have a huge amount of trust in men for a few reasons but hopefully in the long run him being a male and even his name will help me learn that not everyone is the same (which I know deep down anyway).

 

[BlueSkiesAhead]

I had to normalize a triggering name. I named a boat, I named my cat, I gave myself an online nickname on another forum... til it normalized. The name isn't a trigger anymore.

Thanks for taking the time to reply.

That’s great to hear you managed to stop the name being a trigger for you and gives me hope that it will eventually be the same for me too.

I’m hoping if things go well and I learn to trust him then the fact their names are the same will actually help me to move forward and for it to have less of an effect on me.

 

[Teamwork]

Thanks for replying Teamwork, that’s true. Because I haven’t seen him face to face yet he has no idea of my background really as we only touched on my social anxiety on the phone. I just feel a bit silly mentioning it when there’s nothing he can do about it. My rational brain can understand the likelihood of it being that person is very very small. I don’t even live in the same town any more it’s just the irrational and anxious part that keeps bringing it up.

It is actually a great opener. He can’t change his name, but he can help in ways you are yet to learn. It will also show you a great deal of what he is like as a therapist, based on his response, which would likely be caring.

 

[Justmehere]

Avoidance keeps us stuck. Sounds like a great opportunity to work through the trigger. I hope the session goes well.

 

[TruthSeeker]

At the start of the year I decided to ask my GP about options for helping with anxiety. He suggested making an appointment with the practice therapist (psychologist).

I booked an appointment with them and have spoken to them over the phone but have yet to see them face to face (my fist face to face session is next week) - I’m dreading it.

When I initially booked the appointment I thought I would be seeing a female therapist because my GP said (she is very nice). However when I logged on to check the appointment date I noticed it was a male therapist. Then I noticed his name.. he has the same first name as the person who sexually assaulted me, what a crappy coincidence.

Since then I have been having a stupid and I know it’s irrational thought that what if it’s actually him... I haven’t seen him face to face yet and it’s kind of triggering me on and off when I think about it. I keep imagining walking in and it’s him sat in front of me. I also think this is making all of the flashbacks from what happened worse.

I know it’s only a name and I don’t even know if I will mention it to the therapist because I would feel bad. I mean it’s not his fault he has the same name but it’s a crappy coincidence all the same and I have even considered if it might be too much then I try to remind myself it’s just a name.

Is this something you would mention and if so how might you approach it? Like I said above I’m not sure if I would or if it’s worth mentioning but yeah it’s just why does it have to be that name...

I’d lay it out there and ask if you could call him by a nick name. Maybe he already has one.