A Wasted Life

[EveHarrington]

I realize the thread title is perhaps a bit strong but it gets my feelings across, even if I only intermittently feel this way.

I'm working on healing and in my good moments I'll tell you that I'm happy with my progress. But, I also have those moments where I realize that my disorders/struggles have indeed cost me certain things.

Sometimes I wonder if I have more disappointments than the average person. On one hand, life isn't perfect no matter who you are and rarely goes according to plan. On the other hand I know my mental health struggles are outside the typical human experience and have dealt me a number of setbacks/losses.

I struggle with knowing where that line is----- I mean I think I blame all of my life crap on PTSD, but this isn't really true, is it? I struggle to see that the everyday person has setbacks, too, so when I feel like life has thrown me a curveball I blame it all on trauma effects and think about throwing in the towel.

I know I need to accept that everyone deals with issues of their own (although mine likely very in severity from some). Just say "it's ok, setbacks are indeed a part of life!"

But at the same time, I want to acknowledge that my struggles are more than many deal with, and be able to mourn my losses. Yes, there are things I have missed out on that I cannot get back.

I guess it's a matter of finding balance somewhere in the middle; realizing that struggling is a part of life while acknowledging my personal struggles for what they are and mourning my losses.

And yes, in bad moments I do feel like I have wasted my life. It's such a horrible feeling. I mean I'm not all that old, but to already think my life is wasted; there's no redemption or even making something of my life even though I could live for another 50, 60, or more years.

I don't mean to come across as a spoiled brat who feels entitled to things in life. I'm just a bit sad about my losses, missed opportunities and being unsure about the future.

I'm not sure what kind of responses I'm looking for, as I guess I just needed to share where I am right now. Just writing this out is helping me to organize my thoughts.

 

[Seasounds]

Thank you for your words, 'soul writing'-- your truth. I have had similar thoughts, at times.

 

[StellaBlue]

I don't think you come across as a spoiled brat. I think most people (PTSD or not) experience moments of existential angst. I think, with trauma in the background, this can feel overwhelming at times. But I think you nailed it when you recognize that you have to mourn your losses. Last year, my therapist suggested that I take some time to just grieve...and I had no idea how to do that without getting stuck there. You're right, it's about finding balance. For me, it was about being able to gently touch those losses and feel compassion for myself.

Last week I heard an interview with Diana Nyad (who swam from Cuba to Miami at the age of 65 after 4 previous failed attempts) on the TED radio hour. It was really inspiring and your post brought it to mind. You can watch her talk on YouTube, but this is the introduction:

Yeah, so a couple of years ago I was turning 60, and I don't like being 60. And I started grappling with this existential angst of what little I had done with my life. It wasn't the resume of breaking this record here, it was more like, who had I become? How had I spent my valuable time? How could this have gone by like lightning? And I couldn't forgive myself for the countless, countless hours I had lost in negative thought -- all the time I had spent beating myself up for losing my marriage and not stopping the sexual abuse when I was a kid and career moves and this and this and this. Just why, why didn't I do it better? Why? Why? Why? And then my mother died at 82. And so I starting thinking, not only am I not happy with the past, now I'm getting choked with, "I've only got 22 years left." What am I going to do with this short amount of time that's just fleeting? And I'm not in the present whatsoever.

I don't think you need to swim from Cuba to Miami. I think recognizing your accomplishments, grieving your losses, and finding something that brings you joy are keys to navigating though this.

 

[The Albatross]

"I want to acknowledge that my struggles are more than many deal with, and be able to mourn my losses. Yes, there are things I have missed out on that I cannot get back."

Stella has already addressed the "mourning losses" aspect. Though in my treatment, it was my own experience that I had been mourning... actively maladaptively mourning and was stuck in grief which fed my depressive aspect, sense of balance, vulnerability, sense of self worth, yadda yadda yadda. I could see, eventually what he was driving at.

I did too have the same sentiment as you when you share "I want to acknowledge that my struggles are more than many deal with" and also, "ere are things I have missed out on that I cannot get back." My shrink pressed me pretty hard on both of these and I had to really chase down the underlying core beliefs on both. The second quote shows/demonstrates where focus is... if you're looking backwards you are likely to miss opportunities in the present and it's easy to miss cues for things today.

There is an ACT analogy/metaphor about this that demonstrates it (the first bit of the interview is just incidental but the principle was really assistive to me as he demonstrates it well I think. I am biased, and a fan of ACT and Russ)

So far as the central thought "wasted life"... that may be a core for these other thoughts. In the above vid at the end, Dr. Harris briefly mentions "defusion"... in a really easy quick vid here's defusion in action in a nutshell:

 

[Deleted member 29920]

I struggle with the same (((((Eve))))). It's just so unfair. And yes, the losses have to be mourned. Just not for too long...

 

[Stickler]

I have about 30 years left to maybe make something of my life.
I don't know that I can correct course.
I've wasted the 43 I have lived.

When my 43rd birthday hit recently, I felt ashamed to still be alive.
This is why I didn't celebrate.
I don't want to be alive.

 

[Whyteferret]

Sometimes I wonder if I have more disappointments than the average person. On one hand, life isn't perfect no matter who you are and rarely goes according to plan. On the other hand I know my mental health struggles are outside the typical human experience and have dealt me a number of setbacks/losses.

I understand this. It's hard not to dream of what ifs and what we should have been or could have been.

I struggle with knowing where that line is----- I mean I think I blame all of my life crap on PTSD, but this isn't really true, is it? I struggle to see that the everyday person has setbacks, too, so when I feel like life has thrown me a curveball I blame it all on trauma effects and think about throwing in the towel...I guess it's a matter of finding balance somewhere in the middle.

exactly. It is balance. Yes w do have more challenges than others.

 

[Changing4Best]

I'm both the victim of CSA and adult rape, so I can relate to the feeling that I have suffered more losses and traumas than the average life. I have never been able to hold a steady job all my life (I am in my mid 60s, so this is beyond the point of being repaired as far as I can see). I was suckered into a cult at the age of 19 and was involved with it for over 25 years. Needless to say, I feel as if I am the owner of a wasted life.

Be that as it may, in my old age, I have found some things that give me joy and these are belonging to God and a church and also attending the local Senior Center and socializing with my friends there. These things have given me a new sense of purpose in life. I have even been allowed to lead a Bible Study at my church and hopefully will be leading more of them. I have successfully prayed for folks who have later told me that my prayers were answered in wonderful ways. I often pray in writing and share the prayers with those who they are written about. If I don't hear back, I ask! And often the answer is that things worked out OK or better. So in my old age, I have finally found for myself some usefulness, I guess. It is wonderful to be needed and wanted and loved and appreciated!

If you would like me to pray for you, let me know, and about what you would like me to pray for or about in general.

 

[Lotis]

And yes, in bad moments I do feel like I have wasted my life. It's such a horrible feeling. I mean I'm not all that old, but to already think my life is wasted; there's no redemption or even making something of my life even though I could live for another 50, 60, or more years.

This resonates with me. I try (and I emphasize try).... to look at it as not that my life has been wasted but there have been so many opportunities that I missed due to life circumstances that are unlike the average person. When looking at the past I feel sad not only for what I had gone through but also what I missed. My entire life has been shaped around my trauma and mental health. How could it not be? I think it is OK to blame missed opportunities on what we went through because it is NOT normal; it may have been our normal but I know that my friends were not going through the hell that I was.

I get stuck on the "If's"... If I only did this.... If I only was able to pursue that.... If I only ran away.... If I only....and the list goes on and on and on. It is dangerous to be in that spot because you get stuck. Give yourself a break. Acknowledge what your life has been like and reflect on what you have achieved and accomplished no matter how big or small. I realize that some of my accomplishments may not seem like accomplishments to others but in my world they are.

It is OK to reflect but don't stay there too long it gets very dark and depressing.
L

Your title reminded me of the Pearl Jam song "Life Wasted"

You're always saying that there's something wrong...
I'm starting to believe it's your plan all along...

Death came around, forced to hear its song...
And know tomorrow can't be depended on.

I seen the home inside your head,...
All locked doors and unmade beds.
Open sores unattended
Let me say just once that

I have faced it,... A life wasted,...
I'm never going back again.

I escaped it,... A life wasted,...
I'm never going back again.

Having tasted,... A life wasted,...
I'm never going back again.

The world awaits just up the stairs
Leave the pain for someone else.

Nothing back there for you to find,...
Or was it you, you left behind?

You're always saying you're too weak to be strong...
You're harder on yourself than just about anyone.

Why swim the channel just to get this far?
Halfway there, why would you turn around?

Darkness comes in waves,... tell me,why invite it to stay?

You're warm with negativity,
Yes, comfort is an energy,...
But why let the sad song play?

I have faced it,... A life wasted,...
I'm never going back again.

I escaped it,... A life wasted,...
I'm never going back again.

Having tasted,... A life wasted,...
I'm never going back again.

Oh I erased it,... A life wasted,...
I'm never going back again.

 

[watundah]

Hmm...this can run deep.
Firstly, I think ultimately we have had more positive accomplishments we may know.
Did you finish college? Raise a child? Master a musical instrument? Help an ailing grandparent? Listen to a suffering friend? Create art? These are examples of how we may have contributed, may seem meaningless to us but not to others.

Secondly, the past is behind and we never know how much time we have so grab the bull by the horns. What do you want to do?

I have accomplished many things...as a loner. I regret not trusting others and being afraid of the hurt. I am working really hard to understand and change that. It is the most difficult challenge of my life. Most of my life is behind me instead of in front of me and it saddens me sometimes that still I am battling my ghosts and fear intimacy. But I have grown and am better than I used to be and will keep pushing myself to grow and change until it's fixed.

I wonder if times like these are a call for inventory of what's good and how we've grown. I hope that doesn't sound too cheesey. We all have setbacks, but we spent so many years as victims and doormats, it's wicked when we start thinking of ourselves like "they" did.

Anyway, sending healing thoughts!

 

[Whyteferret]

I'm both the victim of CSA and adult rape, so I can relate to the feeling that I have suffered more...

Your life isn't wasted. You bring wisdom to the Bible study and comfort to others.

The "little" things make a big difference

 

[Nevermore]

I needed to feel not alone with this today...
I have learned a lot of patience and acceptance from having PTSD but sometimes buttons get pushed that leave me feeling the way you describe.
I saw my brother yesterday, brother I used to be close to who now seems to have given up on me. His gaze makes me feel like rubbish, like everything is my fault.
He doesn't believe in PTSD . He thinks I could have avoided the things that happened to me. He thinks I suffer because I want to.
It hurts really bad, like s sword through my heart. And all thd progress I've made feels like nothing, a waste of time.
I don't blame anyone for not understanding PTSD - I never did either until I got it. But he makes me feel like s waste of space
This journey is so inner. its not recognised by others. It makes the big accomplishments - like going back to work. stopping drinking, working through things with a therapist - seem like nothing
someone said to me at the beginning Of this journey "There will be a gift".
Im glad they said that. It helps!!
i read so much here - like your post @EveHarrington - that shows so much depth of understanding and suffering, so much more wisdom and humility than my brothers cold gaze.
Maybe that is the gift.
Thank you for sharing and helping me feel less alone today