Abandonment Issues

[Auntie Crash]

Hello everyone,

Having just joined last night, I'm still feeling my way 'round this site.

My main issue right now seems to be not only knowing people eventually go away, but just seeing colleagues leave the office every Friday afternoon seems to trigger panic attacks. Just seeing their cars pull out of the parking lot hurts. For years, I used copious amounts of alcohol to dull the hurt. After ten+ years of serious drinking problems, I stopped cold turkey on Dec. 18th, 2008 and am happy to report I'm been sober since. The downside, of course, is the hurt I feel ofwhat I "see" as being abandoned every Friday is no longer being dulled by drink. I fully realize my feelings are acute and are preventing me from getting involved in a relationship. How does one get past this?

 

[Helliepig]

I think abandonment fears can be a lot more complex than seems at face value. For instance, I was convinced I felt lonely and abandoned at not having a family or someone special in my life, and not having contact with my family. Then lately I've started to realise part of the problem is that I have mislabelled how I feel. I have started to realise that the pain that is triggered inside me when I'm around people is fear of abuse, control and plain old existing, that I am disappointed in real people and in the fact that there is no fantasy person who will rescue me. (I knew this logically but my insides didn't!!) I feel off balance and confused by other people, hypervigilant and watching out for signs of abuse or control. And the thought of getting close to someone exposes to them the fearful, lonely fragmented "me" inside which is too painful to bear. So, in a complex and powerful way, I am actually CHOOSING to run away - and stay away.

To acknowledge these feelings as a child would have meant that I would have had to experience the full force of the realisation I was abused and unloved and left to exist in this world alone. That was too painful - so I covered it up with the easier-to-swallow "my pain is about not being loved and so I will try very hard to be better so I will be loved". That child's explanation for my inner pain is still in my head. Hence up to now I haven't made any progress despite a lot of effort because I was missing the truth. Now I am starting to face these things that were too vast and threatening to face as a child.

So, in fact, what I am dealing with now is the myriad of subtle fears and things I feel around people, some of which scream "run" and some of which say "cling" and some of which say "freeze". (and a whole bunch of subtle variations on those themes) Until those are laid to rest, my inner child will be playing a complex sort of avoidance game that will scupper my adult's attempt to get close to someone. It wll also be a game that will be impossible to comprehend, either from a rational level or from observing my behaviours and feelings, because the driving forces are so subtle, so contradictory, so bewildering - replaying the shifting contradictory world of my childhood

I have spent so long wondering why I can't find a place to belong and why I can't get close to people. Waiting until that magic day it would all get better. Now i know that interactions, break ups, and being with people can trigger a shifting array of responses that change from second to second as different trauamatic reactions trigger, the end result you are frightened to keep someone and frightened to lose someone. It isn't just one "you" that's feeling all this garbage, and that's why there is such a rapid cycling through so many emotions.

For me, this is the hardest, most complex part so far of my abuse recovery.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm not sure if 'abandonment' is oftentimes more likely 'mistrust'.

I think when one's own family 'abandons' them, so to speak, it is (also) hard to see one's self as inherently 'lovable' or not 'irreparably flawed' or damaged/ 'deficient', they are the people who are supposed to love you 'more' or 'overlook' what others won't/ don't.

 

[timetorecover]

I think that "Mistrust" and "Abandonment" Issues seem to go hand in hand with my PTSD.

I don't seem to trust anyone and think everyone is going to leave.

But, I have started with trusting myself, trusting myself to look after and sooth my "Inner Child" with compassion. Its not easy as I have always been so hard on myself, and judged myself.

So, when my symptoms start, I tell myself it is okay, just like you would to a toddler or a baby.
I try to rationalise myself and breathe and ground into the present moment.

I am learning to "Accept" that I cannot change the past and take the trauma away. Its a fact it happened!! and it has contributed to my Mental Health illness.

I realise that my illness makes me insecure and hurt easy.

I will just keep trying to gently heal my pain, lovingly and kindly.....

 

[Tinyflame]

I think trust is likely to feel foreign when trustworthy people have been the rare exception.

 

[timetorecover]

Trust for me is a massive issue, especially regarding my kids. I do not trust leaving them with anyone. It has created an attachment problem though and because of this I am learning how to be "Rational".

Yeah, its a battle learning something that is foreign but when I saw effects through my kids, I have to do something about it and learn this new language.

<Edited by catjudo. Please leave full line between paragraphs.>

 

[Derrick]

Ok... Here goes... I've been in a relationship with a woman for over a year now and she's dealing with issues of abandonment. Over the course of the relationship we've degraded... She was in counselling and things seemed to get better and then like so many of us do.. she stopped going. So as a couple we went to discuss how we can work together to get past this...

Our issues are mostly trust based... Despite being open and honest with her she can not seem to develop any trust in our relationship. So over the course of this year I have become quite frustrated and even angry because no matter what I do I seem to be stone walled. In saying that, my frustration and anger have not helped. My personal relationships have been affected because I attempted to bend my other personal relationships around my relationship with her. I know I should not sacrifice my healthy relationships for a poor one but she is so deserving of my time and attention.

Knowing that her self-esteem and self-worth aren't that great I always made a conscious decision to voice to her how I feel about her. Again, despite my best efforts they tend to go un noticed and she only focuses on the negative.

Right now... I am at a loss. I do not want to move on from this relationship as she has been a friend and someone in my life for 11 years. I want to turn things around and work together but in the same sense I have never felt my own emotional health become so compromised.

I have read "Men are for Mars..." and many articles on this issue. Im looking for some feedback from those who suffer from this to help me understand this more. Also, if your supporting someone with this issue I would like to know how you cope and help that significant other in your life.

Thanks in advance

 

[Nvrgvsup]

I've stumbled upon this site because I too have discovered that I have abandonment issues. This realization surfaced when I started seeing a therapist after experiencing a painful divorce amongst other trials life placed upon my path. The issues of feeling abandoned became much more clear when I began dating again and I began to realize that although the partner was different the wounds that reopened were the same.

My testimony:

I push people away when I really want them close and yet I cannot stop the feeling that in order to protect myself I must be the one to do it first, just like so many of you. I sometimes test others and look for flaws and betrayals in them so that I may be justified in breaking things off. This way I will have been right in my actions to end the relationship because I always knew it would come to this anyway. My mind carries on conversations that actually never happen but I imagine that they will and I react badly. I then feel rejection, I feel humiliated and suddenly I feel as if I am completely alone, persona non grata. So many emotions run through my head it leaves me completely drained at times.

However, I have also become tired of it and I have happily discovered a light at the end of my tunnel and it came by the way of therapy. If I can say anything with conviction it would be that a dedicated individual as I have been blessed with discovering, has made me stronger each day to overcome this. Granted some days are decidedly worse than others but awareness goes a long way. Through my therapy I am learning more about the imbalance that resides within me and that as I gain strength on both sides of my female and my male psyche I am slowly finding moments where I gain that balance. I cannot expect another person to fulfill me, I truly believe that that is the key to my loneliness. When I have those moments in which I feel whole, it's as if a river runs through me and my world is solid. I am fulfilled and not just because I have someone else in it. I want love, I want companionship but I want fulfillment in it's most simplistic form. It is my goal to continue finding those moments.

It's my need to research that has brought me to this site and I am happy to have come across it. Just knowing someone else feels like this has helped me already. Every person heals in their own way and if sharing my thoughts can assist anyone else as yours have done for me then I gladly offer them.

Namaste

 

[Dark Phoenix Rising]

I realize this forum isn't active, but I wonder if anyone is still out there for a question.

I am in love with what I suppose would be called a "sufferer". Things have been real rocky lately so I'm looking for at least some insight. I have restrained her before, never meant to hurt her. My intentions were to settle the situation down. Clearly the wrong thing to do. I regret it. That was a good 8 months ago though (using the word "good" loosely. Throughout the last eight months I have been accused lying, cheating, not wanting to be with her, hitting on other girls (including female friends who i do not have interest in).

Then she sticks very firm to the belief that I have abandonment issues. This may very well be true to an extent as my mother was not really a mom and abandoned my little brother at a young age, and emotionally was erratic or not there. BUT, I have never cheated, lied, hit on ANY other person the entire relationship, and I have no interest in my female friends outside of a decent friend. I have rarely accused her of the same. Only one time when another man was sending her strange messages and she replied even more strangely. I have been told I accuse her all of the time (I don't,).

So, my question would be: do people with ptsd tend to project their own fears and issues on loved ones? It means little to me if that is the case. I just want to understand. The more I can understand, the better I can show I care. I really love this woman. Admittedly I do fear she will leave me for good.

 

[Abstract]

Hi Dark Phoenix,

What are her reasons for saying that? That may help us to be able to answer better.

Yes those with PTSD, and many without, tend to project their own feelings or fears onto others. Learning not to mindread or assume is a very important part of managing ones life and relationships. Doing that can even be a subconscious way of keeping people at a distance. Some will go in cycles of pushing away and then being desperate not to loose the other person.

You say you don't question her commitment to the relationship and have only done so once when the odd texts were occurring. So you don't check up on her or behave in an appeasing or angry way whenever you feel she is distancing herself a little?

 

[Dark Phoenix Rising]

Thank you for your response Abstract.

We have had a strange history but I have never cheated, lied or hit on other women. We had an instance where clothes kept popping up in my laundry (I lived in an apt with community laundry). It looked odd but I never cheated. She also believes I cheated on her with my ex because I was friends with my ex when we first started dating. Just friends, she had a man and i wasn't interested. Unfortunately my ex compounded it by actually having interest again. I cut ties. Never spoke to her again.

Thanks for the input. It is a definite cycle. For sure. I love her for sure though. It's tough not to assume some times for everyone. We all do it.

To answer your last question I should say I didn't question her commitment. See, I am new to the ptsd world. My previous exes kinda taught me I have to stay and argue, walking away wasn't an option. That is CLEARLY not the right thing to do with sufferers and I completely get that now. I didn't get that two weeks ago though. We got in an argument and I wouldn't go away (learned behavior, pride, ignorance). She said some pretty awful things such as she thinks her guy friend (who she had sex with years ago) is hot, she wanted to have sex with him or her ex husband. Since then I have been quite a bit leery. We are also "separated" and she has accepted flirting from two guys in the meanwhile.

Yes, the last few months I have been frustrated, always being accused, yelled at to go away(didn't understand), so I did approach things in an angry way. I didn't know what I know now. Wish I did!

Now I see- walk away when needed, don't yell, be patient and understand...I didn't know any off this two weeks ago