Abandonment ptsd triggered - what do i do?

[Jefroooo]

Hello all

Thanks for taking the time to read and pass you valued opinion....

Ok, I was traumatised by a horrible parental divorce where i was badly betrayed and left to fend for myself as a 15 yr old.... it left a big scar and after a repeating this trauma with a couple of badly chosen women I'm now extremely sensitive to potential abandonment. Anyway after lots of therapy I got the confidence to try again, and met an awesome girl who is insanely reassuring and seems deeply in love with me... all good and although I've had a few big wobbles and anxiety etc, I've made it 9 months and I was starting to spend more time with her etc and move in the right direction.

But as life does, it pulled the rug out from under me.... my long time flat mate / one of my best friends moved out leaving me to face living alone (one of my bigggg fears) .... i denied it would effect me at first, but as the date got closer and since he left 4 weeks ago my anxiety has got stronger and stronger until I'm now in full on triggered mode..... intense 24/7 anxiety, deep sense of loneliness, grief, loss fear etc....

My question is this, where this has brought back such intense feelings of loss etc my relationship has been really hard to maintain... I've lost all security and where I feel so alone and deeply vulnerable, I get massive waves of anxiety after I see her now and strong feelings to desperately cling to her etc .... will this pass in time as the adjustment beds in?? Or is the relationship triggering me off each time I see her and extending the duration of this episode?? I don't want to end it as it would clearly make me more alone!! But equally I don't want it to go on forever!! I only say this because I wasn't too bad after my flat mate left, but its been seeing my girlfriend that has seemed to make the anxiety much worse....

I have a theory I was kind of in denial, keeping myself super busy, and away from home and the anxiety was my subconscious pushing me to find security and safety with her.... but reality has set in over the last week, my gf lives an hour away and I only see her once or twice a week and I've been alone more and more.... the anxiety has also become mixed with extremely deep sadness and fear/loneliness... like My subconscious has realised I no longer have anyone and I feel totally and painfully alone... Will these feelings pass?? Should I push on with the relationship? I purposely haven't looked to her for comfort or reassurance as I don't want to rely on her as she I think it would cause me massive anxiety, and stress her out! I would much rather adjust to living alone and relying on myself and friends...

Thanks

 

[Abigail7]

Abandonment is one of those things in my experience that doesn't just get better over time. I thought my abandonment issues had eased up but I was wrong as a major recent out of the blue no-notice disappearance of someone who was a supporter spun me into a bad PTSD episode that culminated with a serious suicide attempt. I'm still not out of the woods and contemplate making another attempt. Please get help, I beg you. I'm trying to find a new therapist right now but it's not easy.

 

[Jefroooo]

Abandonment is one of those things in my experience that doesn't just get better over time. I thought my abandonment...

The emotions are hard to cope with aren't they Abigail, I've faced them a few times before and these flare ups do pass, you have to be strong and accept they are just old feelings that have no relevance in this situation ... I think we will always struggle to deal with people leaving... and possible rejection but therapy can certainly help you come to terms with your past and put these feelings into context.... I've been seeing a counsellor for years, just about to see a hypnotherapist to see if that can calm the old trauma... hope you continue your journey out of the woods!!

 

[Lady Moonlight]

Well, it's good to know that flare-ups are a real thing. I'm in one now and it's tough as hell. And so debilitating. Abandonment is a huge issue for me as well.
Thank you Jefroooo for the positive feedback that these hard days/weeks/months do pass with time and acceptance!!!

 

[Justmehere]

It might help to read about preoccupied attachment in romantic relationships. You may or may not have that attachment style, but it's very similar to what you describe and often connects to a fear of abandonment that forms in childhood and is often related to trauma.

Generally, going slow and steady, and hanging on through relationships with safe people, can actually help reduce a fear of abandonment. The key is not to look for your partner to be your everything (and I think you get this) and to not run away. But to find skills and tools to manage and cope with the anxiety as you stick out the relationship and see, that while abandonment meant serious consequences as a child, and is very much feared now, you are actually much more safe than you were as a child.

Therapy can help a lot too.

 

[Jefroooo]

Well, it's good to know that flare-ups are a real thing. I'm in one now and it's tough as hell....

Your not alone lady moonlight, the intense emotion are very frightening.... I have been revisited by intense feelings of loss, fear and despair, your right it is debilitating, work is tough!! so strange to feel such intense feelings of abandonment when they really are not appropriate.... take confidence knowing these feelings will pass, once your mind settles and realises the situation is not the same as that which traumatised you the alarm will start to dial down.

 

[Jefroooo]

It might help to read about preoccupied attachment in romantic relationships. You may or may not hav...

Thanks so much justmehere, I was doing very well until my flat mate left.... and your right I have a very insecure attachment style.... we have been going very slow and she is so understanding.... this particular blip is very much to do with my flat mate leaving I think... my mum is away in Australia visiting my brother and the circumstances echo the period which traumatised me very closely..

I'm sure once my mind realises the situation is not the same, and my mum comes home I will feel the security of my loved ones anround me once more and be able to settle down and concentrate on the relationship once more in a much more secure and healthy way...

I will read that though!

 

[Jefroooo]

Well, it's good to know that flare-ups are a real thing. I'm in one now and it's tough as hell....

Also try reading the journey from abandonment to healing by Susan Anderson, it's a fantastic book that hits the nail on the head and offers lots of reassurance.

 

[joeylittle]

@Jefroooo - unless there's some other trauma in your background, it's unlikely that you are dealing with PTSD from your parents divorce.

I'm not saying it wasn't horrible to live through. I believe you when you say it was. And, it's logical that you'd have a number of thought patterns and core beliefs that were built up around that experience.

But there's no reason to believe that you cannot successfully re-frame your thoughts and sense of self.

Try and engage in some solid, basic therapy. Look into CBT, look into mindfulness.

Just because you have a unhealthy set of experiences/beliefs around being left - that doesn't mean you can't change those ways of thinking.

I fear in your case, assuming that it's PTSD will lead you to believe that the anxiety, etc, is something you just have to tolerate. It's not.

 

[Jefroooo]

@Jefroooo - unless there's some other trauma in your background, it's unlikely th...

I really appreciate that thanks joey, I'm seeing a specialist in CBT and hypnotherapy to challenge these core beliefs and to build confidence on Wednesday, so I'm taking the steps you've suggested. Ive had some horrible relationships with girls which lead to some awful rejection and even one who was very troubled who slept with my friend then tried to kill herself a few times! but again I think that just compounded the core beliefs rather causing ptsd... I really appreciate taking the time to comment joey, so thanks dude.