Abandonment

[Lsquaredw]

Hello all! I haven't been on here in a while, but I found the need to come back. I know that I will be welcomed once again with open arms, which is why I love this forum!

Anyways, I have a question.

Some background first: I am still going to therapy, which has been helping so much, and my therapist told me that I have abandonment issues. My mom left us when I was in 3rd grade. I have two older sister and an identical twin. Ever since then, I feel as though I have to fix all the problems and make sure that everything is okay.

Lately, I have been having feelings of worthlessness, of being unloved, and useless. I know that this isn't true, but I can't help but to feel that way.

My therapist thinks that my feelings were surfaced from the abuse, but were caused by my mom leaving us.

What are your thoughts on this? Does it make sense?

Thank you!

 

[Wrknprgrss]

My T says kind of the same thing actually. My mom made my dad leave when I was three years old because he struggled with flashbacks and paranoia and refused to get help. Talking about this with T we discovered that I believed, at that point, that if I was "too bad" that mom wouldn't want me either. She said this is the core of my struggle with abandonment and that it was then just reenforced over and over by all of the abuse. So maybe it's the core for you too?

 

[Lsquaredw]

I think it may be the core for me as well.

My mom left us because she didn't want to be the "farmer's wife" and we lived on a dairy farm. She didn't like the "job" she had, which was having kids and raising them.

Until just recently, I realized that mom never really wanted us. She only had kids because she got pregnant by accident with my oldest sister. Then, they got married and she was stuck. She just continued to do her job and have kids and raise them. Eventually, she had to get out. She didn't want this life anymore.

I realized that part of that life though, was us. We were it and she didn't want us anymore. She wanted a different life, one where she wasn't "stuck" with the kids every day and could do as she pleased.

We, as her kids, (there are 4 of us girls) made her hate her life.

That realization hurt at first. It hurt bad. It hit me suddenly while eating dinner before a wind ensemble concert I was about to perform in. I started sobbing. The realization that your own mother resented ever having you because she is too selfish hurt. Mothers aren't supposed to be like that at all.

It still hurts me when I think about it too much.

I honestly do think that it is the core of all of my issues. My T says that most of my issues with the abuse have been resolved, at least as much as possible until I get these problems ironed out.

 

[Wrknprgrss]

I'm so sorry that your mom treated you that way. That was wrong of her. You are worth so much! :hug:. You must be very strong to have resolved most of your issues with the abuse. I'm still hammering away on that. I'm glad you can work on something so important with your T. You are very courageous. I'm still too scared to work on issues with my mom. You should be proud of yourself! ;)

 

[Anna]

Anyways, I have a question.
Lately, I have been having feelings of worthlessness, of being unloved, and useless. I know that this isn't true, but I can't help but to feel that way.

Yes. I think your therapist is right. My therapist pretty much told me that my abuse and hatred of myself stemmed from the relationship with my mum. She didn't leave us, but there were other issues. Attachment plays a huge part of how you feel about yourself as a person.

 

[Jen]

I'm sorry to hear of your stories. I feel this may be an issue for me too. I think in some way the pain of this, was worse than the abuse when I was younger. My mum left when I was 12, after years of cheating on my father. She had a form of munchausen Syndrome and made everyone think she was Ill for attention. Even told everyone that my father had beaten/raped her and as a result put us in hostels for beaten women and children. I feel a lot of guilt for the way my father was treated. Anyway she left, and only recently is blaming the fact that she did all these things on the fact that she was abused by her brother when she was younger. Whilst I know this can mess you up, I don't know if it's genuinely en excuse for being a nasty person?? Surely you still know right from wrong? She even knew the same thing was happening to me and didn't stop it. Anyway, sorry to rant on in your post lol, was hoping for some sort of advice.

I still feel repercussions of her leaving now. I feel so unable to form attachments with people but feel that I need to more than anything else, for my own sanity, I need a mother. At 28 I still feel like this. I am also gay, i feel confident with my sexuality, but don't know if a combination of abuse from a male and abandonment from my mother has made me this way, which in itself makes me feel confused. Will my sexuality be something that may change if I seek therapy and help sort out these issues? I don't know.

If anyone can send any advice my way I would be grateful x

 

[Marie]

Wow I know how it goes. I have those same feelings continuously. To the point that my ex finally left me because I was always saying they would anyway. I knew in my head that they loved me and wouldn't, but, I couldn't help it. They didn't go with me to therapy to understand what I was going through and why. I had a lot of the same issues you did so I understand completely. hugs. :love:

 

[Lsquaredw]

I feel that my mother is to blame for a lot of my issues. I know that the abuse I went through and the feelings I have towards it stem from my mother and the way she treated me.

She called today. She told my sister that she had a stroke and nearly died. I don't know if I believe her. This is the millionth time she has nearly died. To be honest, I am not sure how I would react if she did. I mean, don't I already treat her as if she is dead? I never talk to her, I don't visit, nothing. It is as if I acknowledge her as being a part of my life for a little while, but that is it.

Don't get me wrong. When we were in kindergarten (we as in my twin sister and myself) we had some good times. We went on picnics and she taught us things. It was as if she just didn't enjoy it though. It slowly went downhill and she just left one day. She went out to go "work" and didn't come back. My dad got up at like 2am and was crying saying he didn't know where mommy was. We had never seen our dad cry before. It was so unsettling. Dad is the strong one, the one that fixes all broken things. He isn't supposed to cry, but he did. Our grandparents had to come. My dad was having a breakdown. He sat and cried in the kitchen. We got sent to our rooms. We heard pieces of what was going on. We were in 3rd grade and my oler sister was in 8th. We heard that mom was seen at a bar. That was it. We didn't understand though, what had happened. It wasn't until years later that we knew that our mom had cheated on our dad. The next morning after my dad had his breakdown, we were eating cereal for breakfast and he said he was divorcing mom. I felt nothing. I had a feeling it was coming.

I am really close with my dad, but he doesn't know much about my abuse nor does he know what kind of issues mom leaving has caused. I don't think I want him to know either. It would probably hurt him too much.

 

[Marie]

She called today. She told my sister that she had a stroke and nearly died. I don't know if I believe her. This is the millionth time she has nearly died. To be honest, I am not sure how I would react if she did. I mean, don't I already treat her as if she is dead? I never talk to her, I don't visit, nothing. It is as if I acknowledge her as being a part of my life for a little while, but that is it.

I remember going through this until my mom died. My partner and I put her in john hopkin's for her heart and breast cancer and she banned us from going to see her. She lived in delaware at the time and it was a lot of work. She would call once a week saying she was going to kill herself or just that she almost died.

I understand how you feel. It's really difficult to separate you from 'her daughter'. My T said that having to do that is incredibly difficult but it needs to be done in order to keep moving forward with you. If you want to talk about this shared experience just buz. You can do it. I know it.

I finally had to tell her enough was enough. I told her that when she is really dead my brother will tell me so because I can't believe a word that comes out of her mouth and she is dangerous to my health and I can't have that. Keep strong! :love:

 

[Lsquaredw]

It bothers me though, you know? It bothers me that I am pretty sure that she only does it to get attention. She knows that we don't think about her or even care about her, so she tries to get us to by saying all these terrible things about herself.

She has lied to me so much in my life. I just want her to be honest. If she was honest with us, I may be able to accept her for who she is, which is a mother who just didn't want to be a mother.

It is all just so complicated.

I don't like how everything with my abuse and my mother is all tied together. It makes everything so confusing. I just want to be able to know that certain feelings came from a certain place and others from other places. I know it doesn't work that way.

I am happy with my therapy though. For a while I was convinced that therapy was going to change me. I now know that it isn't going to make me a whole new person. It is going to make me a better version of me.

For some reason, that idea of me becoming a better version of myself is my inspiration to keep working at getting better.

Thank you for believeing in me. I am not so sure that I believe in myself sometimes.