T
thisbejoe7
Hi everyone,
I was physically, verbally and sexually abused as a child. Chronic physical and verbal abuse by my father. Sexually abused by a male friend (same-sex) for a couple of years. As a result of my abuse some of the side effects are sexual. For starters I have a huge insatiable sex drive, very open minded sexually and willing to explore and go way beyond what most people find to be normal. I also have a huge need to feel wanted/desired by my mate. I'm 34 years old, married with kids. But thats not all.
My wife has a lot of issues as well, she comes from a dysfunctional family also and there was a lot of sexual suppression in her upbringing. She basically shutdown her sexuality and never found a way to turn it on again. She was my first everything so I honestly have no experience with other women. This means that all I know is dysfunction and neglect or abuse. She has no sex drive at all, lots of inhibitions and there are so many things she won't do sexually. Needless to say I life of perpetual torture and sexual frustration.
A little more detail. My father was verbally and physically abusive. I not only was the recipient of the abuse but also had to watch on many occasions as my mother and two brothers were also abused. I lived a childhood of fear and loathing of my father. I would do anything to get away from him, but also felt worthless and believed myself to be a coward. After-all I could have picked up a phone and called the police, told someone at school or at least tried to step in and stop the abuse in some way. But I never did. One day my middle brother stood up to my dad and knocked him on his back (after a punch to the face) and then moved out well before he was 18. He moved in with my grandparents who lived in town. I have great respect for my brother but still feel guilt for not doing something. As the oldest brother it was my job to protect the younger ones. I failed.
As far as the sexual abuse, I won't share all of it, but basically I had a male friend who went to school with me. He was from a broken home with its own issues. He would come to hang out with my at our house and we'd go play in the woods and down by the railroad tracks. One day he told me about masturbation, what it was, how to do it, etc. He's the one who started me on a journey of sexual awareness. Prior to this I had no clue about sexuality aside from some very basic and naive anatomy. After a shocking first experience with masturbation at a pre-teen age, I loved it. I would compulsively masturbate sometimes 4 or more times a day. I'd go out in the woods and masturbate, in the bath, in my room, etc. Anywhere and anytime I could I was doing it. It was soothing, it helped me feel at peace and relaxed. And I know for a fact it helped to keep me out of major trouble as a teen. If I hadn't had something to soothe me and control my crazy sex drive, it could have gone really badly for me.
Anyway, that same friend and I started to talk more and more about sexual things. Eventually the talking led to touching and before long he would touch me by sliding his hands into my pants or shorts. It started with just some touching, fondling of erections and stuff like that. He insisted that I touch him too and would put my hands on his genitals. I didn't know what was happening. I knew nothing about sexuality and what was normal and what was not. He was a few years older than me and looking back I can say now that it was an abusive situation. Eventually anytime he was around or we were together, we would do some kind of touching and masturbate together. If we had the time and privacy we'd go out in the woods for example and masturbate together and or masturbate each other.
One time I remember he tried to give me oral sex. I didn't know what he was doing, he just went for it. It only lasted a few seconds, but I immediately felt horrible and felt that this wasn't right. I stopped him but I do remember it felt good, even if nothing really happened. I did not try to reciprocate nor did I want to. On another two occasions I remember us trying anal sex on each other. The first time he wanted to try and penetrate me anally while we were in our swimming pool. I remember that hurt like crazy and I put a quick stop to that before any penetration was possible. After that he wanted to try it on himself, so he had my lay back on my bed and he sat on top of me. It took a while but I remember him being mildly successful and had maybe 1/3rd of my penis inside his anus. When he pulled off, it was covered in fecal matter and grossed us both out. We never tried anything like that again.
For the most part the sexual abuse only lasted a year or two, but I honestly don't remember. Two or three times we were nearly caught. Once in my bedroom and once at his house. Both times we managed to escape being discovered. Although I wish it had been uncovered earlier. I don't know how old I was but at one point I remember feeling sick, guilty, knowing something was wrong and I just couldn't face it. I wanted to confess to my mom and just get it out there. Desperate for help, I was laying in bed feeling sick as if I was about to throw up. I ran to the bathroom and hugged the toilet. My mom heard me and came in after me to check if I was okay. Reluctantly I told her that my friend and I would touch each other inappropriately. I don't think I said much more than that. I remember my mom being shocked and upset. But thats about it. That friend didn't hang out at our house much after that. He made new friends and I haven't seen him since then. He graduated years before I did so he wasn't even around school after this.
So fast forward to relationships and sex... I found myself getting married to a woman at 18. We were both virgins and I was looking forward to finally having someone who would want me and had every expectation that I'd have a healthy and happy sex life with her. What I came to find out was that she didn't like sex. It was painful for her at first, we couldn't even have sex that first time we tried. Once we did manage to make it work it was still horribly painful for her and she'd cry but insist that I keep going. That was also traumatic for me in some way, being told to continue doing something to her that was supposed to be so beautiful, so pleasurable - instead I was hurting her and I hated it, but I kept going as she insisted.
A few months later, the pain went away for her, but it still didn't feel good. She never wanted sex, she seemed dispassionate and had no desire for me. Soon she became a refuser and we'd go 6+ months without sex on several occasions. She became a gatekeeper, had all the keys to our sex life and controlled everything. For a long time it was missionary position only and as usual she would not have any desire to enjoy sex with me and would not orgasm. It was for me only, one sided and I hated it.
I had no idea that it could be better until about 10 years into our marriage. I just assumed naively that this was just how marriage and sex was for people. Well then eventually I started to wake up from that funk and realized this wasn't healthy. We could and should be having great sex and a passionate relationship with mutual desire for each other, not just a one way thing. We tried everything, read books, went to conferences, seminars, talked many times at length and even went to a year of general counseling together. Sadly nothing changed.
Here's the thing. We have sex, lots of sex compared to averages from the statistics you read online. The problem is not frequency, the problem is that its one sided. She won't allow herself to participate and enjoy sex about 90% of the time. This means we mostly have quickies, duty sex, she just lays there and I get off and its like I'm using her. I hate this! I want to know what its like to make love, to be with a woman who wants and enjoys sex, her body and her lovers body. I want passion, mutual desire, etc. I've never had that. All I know is neglect. If I voice my desires and requests, she ignores them.
To make matters worse, I have a hormonal balance that enables me to be multi orgasmic. Hopefully this isn't TMI, but I don't lose my erection at orgasm and can keep going several more times easily. I can count on one hand the number of times my wife has let me keep going for more than one. If I tell her that I want more or want to keep going she literally pats my genitals with her hand and tells me "I'm know". Then she rolls over and goes to sleep. I feel so neglected, no unloved, unwanted. Its very hard for me to be a loving husband and have the motivation to meet her other non-sexual needs when she so blatently disregards our sex life. But she has all the power, all the control, her issues are so big. Anytime we talk about our sex life it usually involved her crying and repeating all the reasons (excuses) why she has such a hard time enjoying sex. Its mostly her upbringing and how she's different from me, etc. She has told me before that she is afraid to enjoy sex. And honestly she doesn't know what to do to be a good lover, so instead of trying something, she does nothing and then we get nowhere.
I don't pressure her, I don't force myself on her, I don't hassle her. We don't speak of it much. When we do talk, its usually me telling her what I want and her ignoring me. Its all calm and polite, and I don't make a fuss. I'm a good husband, lover and friend. We do date nights, we talk, we spend time together. She just has no sexual desire, she won't allow herself to explore that side of herself. And its killing me.
I'm constantly in a state of sexual frustration, but at the same time feeling pathetic and worthless. I'm the guy who's wife doesn't want him. I'm the guy with a wife who can't even tell me what sexy is. She just doesn't think in those terms. She won't even watch a love scene in a movie. She will do everything she can to deflect to other issues or topics and avoid dealing with her sexual nature.
We are currently seeing a therapist who deals with trauma so she wants to help me with PTSD since she thinks I suffer from a complex form of it due to the chronic childhood abuse I suffered as a child. She is also a sex therapist so I'm hoping she can help us deal with these issues. So far her only practical suggestion is to stop having all the duty sex and only have sex if my wife desires to. The problem with this approach is that it will eliminate 90% of the sex we do have. And even though I hate one-sided sex, I prefer that over masturbating to keep my drive under control. So it seems like this suggestion is a lose/lose no matter how I look at it. We go back again soon for more sessions so maybe we can talk this through more and figure something else out.
My PTSD if thats what it is, is fairly mild, so please don't hesitate to ask questions or comment on my situation. I don't have flashbacks, nightmares or panic attacks. Although my situation is complex in the sense that it was long term and chronic abuse. I believe that my abuse has shaped my personality and normalized some behaviors that will take some therapy to undo.
Regarding my specific symptoms, mostly personality stuff - I don't sleep well. I'm a light sleeper and have been for as long as I can remember. I sometimes have states of sleep where I'm conscious of the passage of time and can think, but my body feels rested as if I was sleeping. I don't make friends easily, and prefer to bypass small talk and discuss meaningful things. Unlike most other guys I don't know anything about sports and I'm not very competitive. I feel a sense of moderate panic if I make a mistake at work, which might include feeling light headed, sweating, mental/emotional stress, etc. I also think my deep need to feel wanted/desired is amplified by my abuse. Perhaps even to unhealthy or unrealistic levels. Feeling hyper-sexual may also be part of it too.
So does anyone have any feedback or suggestions? I'm very new to PTSD and its possible role in my situation. Any feedback is much appreciated.
I was physically, verbally and sexually abused as a child. Chronic physical and verbal abuse by my father. Sexually abused by a male friend (same-sex) for a couple of years. As a result of my abuse some of the side effects are sexual. For starters I have a huge insatiable sex drive, very open minded sexually and willing to explore and go way beyond what most people find to be normal. I also have a huge need to feel wanted/desired by my mate. I'm 34 years old, married with kids. But thats not all.
My wife has a lot of issues as well, she comes from a dysfunctional family also and there was a lot of sexual suppression in her upbringing. She basically shutdown her sexuality and never found a way to turn it on again. She was my first everything so I honestly have no experience with other women. This means that all I know is dysfunction and neglect or abuse. She has no sex drive at all, lots of inhibitions and there are so many things she won't do sexually. Needless to say I life of perpetual torture and sexual frustration.
A little more detail. My father was verbally and physically abusive. I not only was the recipient of the abuse but also had to watch on many occasions as my mother and two brothers were also abused. I lived a childhood of fear and loathing of my father. I would do anything to get away from him, but also felt worthless and believed myself to be a coward. After-all I could have picked up a phone and called the police, told someone at school or at least tried to step in and stop the abuse in some way. But I never did. One day my middle brother stood up to my dad and knocked him on his back (after a punch to the face) and then moved out well before he was 18. He moved in with my grandparents who lived in town. I have great respect for my brother but still feel guilt for not doing something. As the oldest brother it was my job to protect the younger ones. I failed.
As far as the sexual abuse, I won't share all of it, but basically I had a male friend who went to school with me. He was from a broken home with its own issues. He would come to hang out with my at our house and we'd go play in the woods and down by the railroad tracks. One day he told me about masturbation, what it was, how to do it, etc. He's the one who started me on a journey of sexual awareness. Prior to this I had no clue about sexuality aside from some very basic and naive anatomy. After a shocking first experience with masturbation at a pre-teen age, I loved it. I would compulsively masturbate sometimes 4 or more times a day. I'd go out in the woods and masturbate, in the bath, in my room, etc. Anywhere and anytime I could I was doing it. It was soothing, it helped me feel at peace and relaxed. And I know for a fact it helped to keep me out of major trouble as a teen. If I hadn't had something to soothe me and control my crazy sex drive, it could have gone really badly for me.
Anyway, that same friend and I started to talk more and more about sexual things. Eventually the talking led to touching and before long he would touch me by sliding his hands into my pants or shorts. It started with just some touching, fondling of erections and stuff like that. He insisted that I touch him too and would put my hands on his genitals. I didn't know what was happening. I knew nothing about sexuality and what was normal and what was not. He was a few years older than me and looking back I can say now that it was an abusive situation. Eventually anytime he was around or we were together, we would do some kind of touching and masturbate together. If we had the time and privacy we'd go out in the woods for example and masturbate together and or masturbate each other.
One time I remember he tried to give me oral sex. I didn't know what he was doing, he just went for it. It only lasted a few seconds, but I immediately felt horrible and felt that this wasn't right. I stopped him but I do remember it felt good, even if nothing really happened. I did not try to reciprocate nor did I want to. On another two occasions I remember us trying anal sex on each other. The first time he wanted to try and penetrate me anally while we were in our swimming pool. I remember that hurt like crazy and I put a quick stop to that before any penetration was possible. After that he wanted to try it on himself, so he had my lay back on my bed and he sat on top of me. It took a while but I remember him being mildly successful and had maybe 1/3rd of my penis inside his anus. When he pulled off, it was covered in fecal matter and grossed us both out. We never tried anything like that again.
For the most part the sexual abuse only lasted a year or two, but I honestly don't remember. Two or three times we were nearly caught. Once in my bedroom and once at his house. Both times we managed to escape being discovered. Although I wish it had been uncovered earlier. I don't know how old I was but at one point I remember feeling sick, guilty, knowing something was wrong and I just couldn't face it. I wanted to confess to my mom and just get it out there. Desperate for help, I was laying in bed feeling sick as if I was about to throw up. I ran to the bathroom and hugged the toilet. My mom heard me and came in after me to check if I was okay. Reluctantly I told her that my friend and I would touch each other inappropriately. I don't think I said much more than that. I remember my mom being shocked and upset. But thats about it. That friend didn't hang out at our house much after that. He made new friends and I haven't seen him since then. He graduated years before I did so he wasn't even around school after this.
So fast forward to relationships and sex... I found myself getting married to a woman at 18. We were both virgins and I was looking forward to finally having someone who would want me and had every expectation that I'd have a healthy and happy sex life with her. What I came to find out was that she didn't like sex. It was painful for her at first, we couldn't even have sex that first time we tried. Once we did manage to make it work it was still horribly painful for her and she'd cry but insist that I keep going. That was also traumatic for me in some way, being told to continue doing something to her that was supposed to be so beautiful, so pleasurable - instead I was hurting her and I hated it, but I kept going as she insisted.
A few months later, the pain went away for her, but it still didn't feel good. She never wanted sex, she seemed dispassionate and had no desire for me. Soon she became a refuser and we'd go 6+ months without sex on several occasions. She became a gatekeeper, had all the keys to our sex life and controlled everything. For a long time it was missionary position only and as usual she would not have any desire to enjoy sex with me and would not orgasm. It was for me only, one sided and I hated it.
I had no idea that it could be better until about 10 years into our marriage. I just assumed naively that this was just how marriage and sex was for people. Well then eventually I started to wake up from that funk and realized this wasn't healthy. We could and should be having great sex and a passionate relationship with mutual desire for each other, not just a one way thing. We tried everything, read books, went to conferences, seminars, talked many times at length and even went to a year of general counseling together. Sadly nothing changed.
Here's the thing. We have sex, lots of sex compared to averages from the statistics you read online. The problem is not frequency, the problem is that its one sided. She won't allow herself to participate and enjoy sex about 90% of the time. This means we mostly have quickies, duty sex, she just lays there and I get off and its like I'm using her. I hate this! I want to know what its like to make love, to be with a woman who wants and enjoys sex, her body and her lovers body. I want passion, mutual desire, etc. I've never had that. All I know is neglect. If I voice my desires and requests, she ignores them.
To make matters worse, I have a hormonal balance that enables me to be multi orgasmic. Hopefully this isn't TMI, but I don't lose my erection at orgasm and can keep going several more times easily. I can count on one hand the number of times my wife has let me keep going for more than one. If I tell her that I want more or want to keep going she literally pats my genitals with her hand and tells me "I'm know". Then she rolls over and goes to sleep. I feel so neglected, no unloved, unwanted. Its very hard for me to be a loving husband and have the motivation to meet her other non-sexual needs when she so blatently disregards our sex life. But she has all the power, all the control, her issues are so big. Anytime we talk about our sex life it usually involved her crying and repeating all the reasons (excuses) why she has such a hard time enjoying sex. Its mostly her upbringing and how she's different from me, etc. She has told me before that she is afraid to enjoy sex. And honestly she doesn't know what to do to be a good lover, so instead of trying something, she does nothing and then we get nowhere.
I don't pressure her, I don't force myself on her, I don't hassle her. We don't speak of it much. When we do talk, its usually me telling her what I want and her ignoring me. Its all calm and polite, and I don't make a fuss. I'm a good husband, lover and friend. We do date nights, we talk, we spend time together. She just has no sexual desire, she won't allow herself to explore that side of herself. And its killing me.
I'm constantly in a state of sexual frustration, but at the same time feeling pathetic and worthless. I'm the guy who's wife doesn't want him. I'm the guy with a wife who can't even tell me what sexy is. She just doesn't think in those terms. She won't even watch a love scene in a movie. She will do everything she can to deflect to other issues or topics and avoid dealing with her sexual nature.
We are currently seeing a therapist who deals with trauma so she wants to help me with PTSD since she thinks I suffer from a complex form of it due to the chronic childhood abuse I suffered as a child. She is also a sex therapist so I'm hoping she can help us deal with these issues. So far her only practical suggestion is to stop having all the duty sex and only have sex if my wife desires to. The problem with this approach is that it will eliminate 90% of the sex we do have. And even though I hate one-sided sex, I prefer that over masturbating to keep my drive under control. So it seems like this suggestion is a lose/lose no matter how I look at it. We go back again soon for more sessions so maybe we can talk this through more and figure something else out.
My PTSD if thats what it is, is fairly mild, so please don't hesitate to ask questions or comment on my situation. I don't have flashbacks, nightmares or panic attacks. Although my situation is complex in the sense that it was long term and chronic abuse. I believe that my abuse has shaped my personality and normalized some behaviors that will take some therapy to undo.
Regarding my specific symptoms, mostly personality stuff - I don't sleep well. I'm a light sleeper and have been for as long as I can remember. I sometimes have states of sleep where I'm conscious of the passage of time and can think, but my body feels rested as if I was sleeping. I don't make friends easily, and prefer to bypass small talk and discuss meaningful things. Unlike most other guys I don't know anything about sports and I'm not very competitive. I feel a sense of moderate panic if I make a mistake at work, which might include feeling light headed, sweating, mental/emotional stress, etc. I also think my deep need to feel wanted/desired is amplified by my abuse. Perhaps even to unhealthy or unrealistic levels. Feeling hyper-sexual may also be part of it too.
So does anyone have any feedback or suggestions? I'm very new to PTSD and its possible role in my situation. Any feedback is much appreciated.
