Sexual Assault Abuse And Sexual Side-effects - Relationships

[thisbejoe7]

Let me ask you ladies this question. If your partner (male) had a low sex drive and just didn't care about sex at all...

1. Would you be happy to give up your sexual needs because they clash with his?
2. Would you enjoy sex with him if you knew he wasn't really into it?
3. Would you think this was normal for a man, or is something wrong?
4. If during sex, he never wanted an orgasm and you were the only one who had one most of the time, would you be okay with that long term?
5. If sex isn't a big deal and not a vibrant and important part of a good and healthy relationship, then what separates your relationship with your "partner" from any other friend or acquaintance?

digger, as I've tried to explain, we have both tried to compromise and meet each other's needs without just saying "tough, deal with it" to the other person. So this has resulted in a mutual agreement about sex. She doesn't refuse me (the high drive spouse) and I don't force anything on her. She goes along with sex if I need it and even if she doesn't have an orgasm she is okay with meeting my needs. Its a bare minimum approach but it has worked and is better than destroying the relationship.

All I'm saying is that we don't have a healthy relationship and her view of her own sexuality (forget some women and extreme cases), is very damaged. She has a lot of upbringing issues surrounding sex and various things to work through with a therapist. All the other details I provided were to show that she has no physical problems enjoying sex. I firmly believe she would have a much stronger sex drive if she were to deal with the issues from her past and get some therapy for these things. Which is what we are trying to do now.

It is also extremely rare for sex not to be a big issue for someone. By and large, most people have a sex drive and need sex. Biologically we are also wired to need to sex on a physical level. There are numerous studies that show the benefits of regular sex/orgasm. Anything from longevity to skin quality and hormone regulation. We do appear to biologically need sex at some level, even if psychologically we aren't feeling a need.

 

[cherryblossom]

I totally respect and believe you when you say you have never forced her. However, for whatever reason, from what I can gather, from what you have said, 85-90% of the time that she has sex with you, she doesn't actually want it. I never said you forced her, but for some reason she feels obliged to have sex despite not wanting to, which I think is where the phrase 'duty sex' comes in. However, I still do find it a little disturbing that you know she doesn't want sex, yet you still find that a pleasurable experience. I genuinely don't understand that. And I'm not having a go, please educate me, if I'm missing something.

I think your intention with that last paragraph was to make it look like I'm some kind of overbearing sex monger.

That was certainly not my intention, I was simply asking whether, just as you have been trying to encourage her to increase her sex drive, if you have tried to reduce yours. My thinking being that a compromise might be easier if at least your sex drives are coming closer together.

However, it seems like you are intentionally twisting my words to misrepresent our situation.

Again, that's not my intention. I'm certainly not trying to twist your words. I am trying to understand, and I do get how difficult this mismatched sexual desire must be difficult for you both.

Let me ask you ladies this question. If your partner (male) had a low sex drive and just didn't care about sex at all...
1. Would you be happy to give up your sexual needs because they clash with his?

Yes, absolutely, if everything else in our relationship was good, I would be more than happy with intimacy without sex.

2. Would you enjoy sex with him if you knew he wasn't really into it?

No, not at all. If he wasn't in to, then I would not be able to become even the slightest bit aroused.

3. Would you think this was normal for a man, or is something wrong?

I would think it to be normal, unless he expressed that he felt he had an issue.

4. If during sex, he never wanted an orgasm and you were the only one who had one most of the time, would you be okay with that long term?

If he never wanted an orgasm, I would be asking him why he wanted sex.

5. If sex isn't a big deal and not a vibrant and important part of a good and healthy relationship, then what separates your relationship with your "partner" from any other friend or acquaintance?

Emotional Intimacy. Being able to be completely honest with my feelings, and have his complete support and understanding. Just feeling a complete emotional bond with someone whilst also enjoying physical closeness such as kisses, cuddles and caresses, holding hands. Just being physically, and emotionally close to someone.

It is also extremely rare for sex not to be a big issue for someone.

Really? Do you have evidence for this statement.

Biologically we are also wired to need to sex on a physical level.

Again, I'm sorry, but I have to ask for evidence on this.

I have to assume that your experiences are creating some sensitivity and resulting in reading into the story a bit.

Please believe me, I'm not being deliberately argumentative, I'm just genuinely interested, and voicing my opinions, based on what you have said. I don't think I'm reading into the story, but if I am, please tell me where.

I can't possibly convey the entirety of the details of our situation so its easy to get the wrong idea by what I haven't said yet.

I can't read between the lines. I can only give my opinion based on what you have said. And you are welcome to simply ignore my responses, if you don't like my opinion.

 

[thisbejoe7]

I think we simply see the sex issue from a completely different angle. Since we seem to coming from completely different frameworks of understanding sex, I doubt we will come to see eye to eye on any of this.

As far as backing up my statements with evidence, I will be happy to do that. However, it will require reading on your part, lots of studies have been done on the biological benefits of sex, including reducing the chance of prostate cancer in men and as I said before also in general longevity.

I tried to post a bunch of links to studies and news articles but the settings on this forum prevented me from posting it. I've done my homework on the issue and am convinced that sex and orgasm are an important part of a happy and healthy life in general. If you spend some time on Google looking for "health benefits of sex" you will find most of the articles I was going to link to.

 

[cherryblossom]

You are probably right. We may never see eye to eye. But like I said I'm not aiming to be argumentative just have a discussion.

Maybe we do see sex from a completely different angle. I answered the questions you raised. Any thoughts on the response?

 

[thisbejoe7]

Maybe we do see sex from a completely different angle. I answered the questions you raised. Any thoughts on the response?

Your answer to number 1 and 5 still confuses me. I don't understand how the relationship without any sex would be any more significant than that of a friend. You can have all of those benefits and perks with any platonic friend, you just have to choose to develop those areas of non-sexual intimacy and it could be with more than one partner without any serious implications at all. So I'm just still unsure how it can be a real romantic/partnered relationship if no sex is involved.

Your answer to the second question is understandable, as I also find it very difficult to be aroused if my partner isn't into it. The only difference is that I have a very strong biological urge/dirve with very real physical effects. The low drive female may not even be able to understand that. For me its a trade off, live in constant sexual pressure/tension or have maintenance sex where I'm the only one who climaxes. Its not idea, but what else can I do except be miserable and "suck it up"?

Your answer to question 3 makes me wonder if you are familiar at all with male sexuality? If you talk to any health care professional, sociologist or similar expert I think you will find that it is not normal for a healthy male (good hormone levels, no depression or other conditions) to have a low or no sex drive. A healthy male sexuality is the stuff stereotypes are made of lol. However that being said, I truly believe that female sexuality is much more sophisticated and easily capable of putting a man to shame. Usually when men have low sex drives there is a hormone problem or other health issue like heart issues or depression causing it. I can't seem to post the URL to the studies that back that up, but it is available with a simple search.

Have you had experiences in your life that shape your view of sexuality? It seems like for you its a very minor detail of being human and something so irrelevant it can simply be discarded.[DOUBLEPOST=1402950816,1402950644][/DOUBLEPOST]Funny enough Psychology Today just posted an article with 9 tips if you are the high drive partner in a relationship. One of their suggestions is to masturbate and not expect your partner to meet your sexual needs. I am definitely considering this more and more and will bring it up again with my therapist tonight.

 

[thisbejoe7]

Brief update: I talked to my therapist last night about the approach of eliminating duty sex. Again it isn't something I'm forcing my wife to do, she is willing to have sex if I need it, even if she doesn't want anything for herself. Thats a selfless thing to do, which is nice, even if its not ideal. So here is the plan right now... I'm going to start to masturbating more often and not expect her to meet my needs. But I'm also supposed to work on being more vocal about my needs. So for example, if I am feeling a need and she is obviously not, I could say "hey, I'm going to go get a shower and I just wanted you to know that I'm going to masturbate. I just wanted to let you know, and if you want to watch you are welcome to come in and watch, if you want to participate you can participate, if you just want to leave me to it, thats fine too".

This takes the pressure off her, while still communicating that I have needs and am doing what I can to meet them myself with expecting her to even try, but it also gives her an opportunity to join in and participate and hopefully enjoy the experience for herself. But if she doesn't I still get my basic physical needs met and there is no pressure for her to do things she has no interest in.

As I said this will eliminate about 85-90% of the sex we have, so its a huge deal and not easy for me at all. But if I look at it as a temporary change in hopes of creating a healthier relationship - then I'm all for it.

The therapist and I also talked about my traumatic experiences in the past have shaped my personality and are likely one of the driving factors in my strong sex drive. I wonder if as we progress in therapy and there are other avenues of emotional connection in a safe way, if sex might become less of a major issue for me. Time will tell. Thanks everyone for listening to me rant. Hopefully something I've said will click with some of you and maybe even be of help or encouragement. Change is possible.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I firmly believe she would have a much stronger sex drive if she were to deal with the issues from her past and get some therapy for these things. Which is what we are trying to do now.

When one person has a sex addiction, and the other has a low sex drive, it can escalate. The more the person with low sex drive gives in to the other, the lower their sex drive will get, because sex will become associated to something painful, unpleasant, unloving and unfulfilling.

the problem when someone with a sex addiction isn't getting enough sex, is that they will become more frustrated and this will come across to their partner, and in the act itself.

In turn, the partner with low sex drive enjoys sex even less, and the partner with a sex addiction gets more frustrated.

Feeling pressured into sex doesn't have to be by physical force, it can be mental and emotional also. I think your therapist is right to suggest you both stop having sex except when she feels sexy. This isn't to give her the upper hand, or make her dominant (She has been submissive to you since the marriage began - dominance is hardly likely). It is a way to give her space to help her to find her own sex drive, instead of simply being a body for yours.


With regards to the quote above, i wrote a thread about men who are victims to lack of sex having this attitude that she needs fixing for them. It is male self-centred crap. You both need to deal with your issues in order to meet in the middle and both have your needs met sexually.

 

[thisbejoe7]

Meadowsweet, do you believe that having a strong sex drive is equal to sex addiction? Obviously what we had going was unhealthy on several levels, but I think its unreasonable to equate a high sex drive with sex addiction.

Not to be argumentative, but do you have any evidence to backup the claim that people with low sex drives have no problems and this is normal and healthy for them? I find that hard to believe with all the medical attention sexual function receives. Hormone level testing can show us when there is an imbalance causing a lack of desire. Depression and anti-depressant drugs are known to inhibit sexual desire. Abuse and dysfunction can also be a cause.

It seems to me based on the biology alone, that we naturally have a sex drive, it may vary in intensity for some, but to have none or an extremely low drive is not healthy when you consider the evidence. I'm not trying to be male centered at all, I think its horrible the abuse and suppression that women have suffered at the hands of men throughout history. However, I have also studied female sexuality and the biology of the sex drive and simply can't accept that its just male centered crap to believe that a person with a low sex drive may have a very real biological issue.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Obviously what we had going was unhealthy on several levels, but I think its unreasonable to equate a high sex drive with sex addiction.

I don't equate high sex drive with sex addiction. However, the issues that you yourself relate to your insatiable appetite for sex suggest an addiction, more so than a healthy strong sex drive.

do you have any evidence to backup the claim that people with low sex drives have no problems and this is normal and healthy for them?

This is made up in your imagination, and doesn't refer to something that I've actually said.

a person with a low sex drive may have a very real biological issue.

A biological issue is physical and requires a medical doctor to examine. But throughout the thread, you have spoken about it being your wife's psychological issues effecting your wifes sex drive. there is little consistency that you are giving.

I can only see anything working if you are both motivated to make changes. this thread is full of excuses for yourself and passing on all responsibility to your wife. It's the same old scenario. You both have some issues, you are both involved in the relationship. I do appreciate that you are both going to therapy, but you both have to be listening and taking on board what is yours to deal with.

 

[thisbejoe7]

I don't equate high sex drive with sex addiction. However, the issues that you yourself relate to your insatiable appetite for sex suggest an addiction, more so than a healthy strong sex drive.

You took a quote from me and began talking about sexual addiction. It sure sounds like that is what you were saying. If I ever used the word "insatiable" it is an exaggeration. That was not meant to be taken literally.

A biological issue is physical and requires a medical doctor to examine. But throughout the thread, you have spoken about it being your wife's psychological issues effecting your wifes sex drive. there is little consistency that you are giving.

There are several potential causes of low sex drive, among them are physical causes but additionally there are psychological causes as well. It was not my intention to imply that one does not exist or apply because I didn't mention it. This seems a bit nit picky.

I can only see anything working if you are both motivated to make changes. this thread is full of excuses for yourself and passing on all responsibility to your wife. It's the same old scenario. You both have some issues, you are both involved in the relationship. I do appreciate that you are both going to therapy, but you both have to be listening and taking on board what is yours to deal with.

We are both motivated to make changes. Both owning and acknowledging our own role in our dysfunction and dealing with individual issues. This thread is not full of excuses, but you are entitled to your opinion.

 

[Meadowsweet]

We are both motivated to make changes. Both owning and acknowledging our own role in our dysfunction and dealing with individual issues.

Ok, I'm happy to change my opinion. I just see you talking of her dysfunction, and you have said

There is nothing wrong with my strong sex drive... I just happen to be married to someone who doesn't value it the same way I do. There are lots of women out there who enjoy their sexuality and would appreciate this side of me.

But I may be mistaken, so what do you feel are your own issues in this situation? Do you think that dealing with the feelings from your own abuse would help?

 

[thisbejoe7]

You have a point, I meant to start this thread as a discussion of PTSD symptoms complicating relationships and I have veered more towards venting over our sexual issues. That was not my intention.

What I meant by that statement was that there is nothing wrong with having a strong sex drive. Its not something I feel a need to apologize for even though I have been shamed and ridiculed and labeled as a result of it.

My issues are as follows:

* I need to feel wanted and desired more strongly that is normal for the average person due to the chronic abuse I had a child.
* I have difficulty experiencing healthy emotion due to the protection mechanisms I developed as a child.
* I have moderate feelings of panic if I am in any sort of trouble or blamed for a mistake
* I have trouble making friends and getting close to people (trust, self-protection and other issues)
* I have difficulty accepting and trusting change in those I'm close with, using the past as a concrete method of predicting future behavior.

If I think of any more I'll add them later. My mind is tired at the moment.