Sexual Assault Abuse And Sexual Side-effects - Relationships

[Meadowsweet]

Thank you. So taking them individually, how do those issues relate to your feelings about sex? feelings when you aren't given sex? or how you give yourself emotionally during sex? and when it's refused?

I'm not asking for the answers, it's not something I need to know. They are just questions that might help to unravel your feelings.

 

[Fadeaway]

I am going to be a lot more open on this subject than I normally am, just a warning.

I was the victim of CSA and then entered a marriage where I was forced to engage in acts that I was very much against. As a kid I was always told that "abnormal" sex drive and sexual desires ran in the family. It screwed with my head pretty bad. I made the mistake of confessing my assault and what I had been told to my ex who used it against me. So, I would like to say in advance that my attitudes about sex were pretty screwed up once upon a time, but a lot of reading and and research and therapy has helped me.

Now I am in a relationship with a man who has also suffered from sexual abuse, but at the opposite extreme of what I did. Forced to please another while being forbidden to have any pleasure himself, even via masturbation.

.

1. Would you be happy to give up your sexual needs because they clash with his?

I have always been used to taking care of any needs myself. 7 years of total isolation prior to meeting him, so not the end of the world.

2. Would you enjoy sex with him if you knew he wasn't really into it?

Nope.

3. Would you think this was normal for a man, or is something wrong?

Absolutely, this goes against what our culture is taught. Women can be excepted to be this way, but not men.

4. If during sex, he never wanted an orgasm and you were the only one who had one most of the time, would you be okay with that long term?

Absolutely not. Dealing with this now, however much progress has been made. I am not a taker. However, women are are different than men. I can enjoy sex without ever having an orgasm, that is only an added bonus. There is so much more to sex than orgasms, if I just wanted one of those, I would take care of it myself and not waste time with another person.

5. If sex isn't a big deal and not a vibrant and important part of a good and healthy relationship, then what separates your relationship with your "partner" from any other friend or acquaintance?

There is the whole emotional, mental and spiritual aspects that transcend normal friendship. There is a deeper commitment to the other person than in friendship.

 

[zaniara]

Have not read the whole thread, but have to say this: it sounds like you have an obsessive sexuality: meaning it sounds like you abuse sex. Possibly to avoid dealing with your past, the bad emotions and the suffering working your way through it would mean. When you're addicted to sex it's a downhill thing, and a contradiction. Since what you crave, most likely is what you fear the most: love and intimacy. Good sex comes when there is love and intimacy. Not vice versa!

Even though sex can be an important part of a good relationship it's NOT the glue in it! (A very common thought for a sex addict though.) The love and intimacy is. I Think that's what your therapist meant.

I used to think that backwards way my self during the darkest years of my life- and thought sex really would 'fix' something. Of course it didn't. It was destructive and it was a way to try to control the anxiety the sexual traumas in my past made me feel when ever someone came close to me. I said I wanted love but I pushed people away, and had sex because my obsession forced me too(very similar to being abused)- but lied to my self and said it was my own choice. The Price to pay was HUGE and meant even more suffering and humiliation.

A obsessive and extreme sexual drive can be calmed down- not by 'enough sex'(CAN you really get 'enough'??) or the right sex, but by dealing with your inner wounds and heal them. And then your obsession will not control so much of your life anymore and not make you Think in such extremes(a LOT of black/white thinking in your post). There is a different life to live that is so much happier and more fulfilling.

Many sex addicts ironically meet a person with sexual anorexia- and the power-struggle begin. Both blaming eachother- despite both really having a similar problem underneath the problems seen on the surface. Both fear real intimacy. And thus the relationship make sure non of them have to face really experience it.

Check a book by Patric Carnes up, I think it's called 'sexual anorexia'(but he's written many good books on this topic).

I really don't think your partner is your problem. So trying to change her won't fix anything. If she would change you might just find you freak out by that and then you would probably find yourself running away from her. I think you're scared shitless of being vulnerable. And that you use sex to try to stay 'in control'. (Been there, done that- it didn't work.) I think your brain is hijacked by the addiction and that it feeds you obsessive lies. Do look SLAA up too if you want to test your self. If I'm wrong you have nothing to fear.. ;)

 

[thisbejoe7]

Zaniara, Thank you for those thoughts. I disagree with parts of it, but after interacting with others on these issues, I doubt anything will be gained by arguing the finer points of the these side issues. I do just want to clarify a few things since you didn't read the rest of the thread.

I do not have an obsession with sex. My therapist also doesn't think so. There is no issue on my part with sexual addiction either. I fear that those who have struggled with some type of issue related to sex tend to downplay it as part of a healthy relationship. I have seen several women here in this forum all of which have been abused sexually in some way, downplay sex. Having a strong sexual drive is not in and of itself a problem or somehow automatically to be labeled as an obsession or somehow unhealthy. I think its safe to say that some people can perhaps give up sex and be happy with only platonic love and intimacy, and more power to them. I am not one of those people and I do not think that is dysfunctional.

You make some very bold and hard line assertions in your reply regarding sex and I respect your opinion however I strongly disagree with much of what you said. I've participated in much sex/marriage/relationship research and am involved in several large online communities and I have to say your view that sex is not the glue (for example) is not shared by the majority of people who are much more qualified to be an authority than either of us.

That being said I do think you are correct with some of what you said relating to the need for inner healing and addressing individual issues which I think you mean to say will perhaps "re-center" sex in a healthier way for the couple as a whole.

Last few points, I'm not trying to change my partner. I gave up on that a long time ago. I'm trying to be the healthiest individual that I can be and as part of a couple, I'm also trying to provide the safest and healthiest environment for my partner that I can, so that she can grow and explore and deal with her individual issues as well. As a result, the couple will be stronger and healthier as a whole.

Our therapist has talked with us at length about vulnerability and there is no indication from her or from my own self-evaluation that would indicate I'm terrified of being vulnerable. I'm a very open person and don't have any problem being transparent and vulnerable with my partner. I'm not even sure what possible means of control sex could serve in our situation.

 

[Go Hungry]

Oh wow, this thread is so loaded that I'm afraid to comment. I think I've been sort of where you're at, in that my sex-drive was drastically different than that of my wife, but for different reasons. Her reason is that she really just wasn't so into it, for her sex was fine every 3 weeks to 4 months. My preference on the other hand was twice a day... The reason was quite similar to this:

Now I am in a relationship with a man who has also suffered from sexual abuse, but at the opposite extreme of what I did. Forced to please another while being forbidden to have any pleasure himself, even via masturbation.

In my case I exploded, and went to the extreme opposite of what Fadeaway described. Sex became -everything- to me. I was just so goddamned frustrated that I never got over it. Those events wounded me to my core, and destroyed my sexual identity. And the thing that arose in it's place craved sex the way a starving man would crave food. Hell, women simply were food to this engine of destruction. It was the only thing my self-esteem was built on, for gods sake...

I don't know if that's the case for you; if sex is part of where you get your self-esteem. If so, it could go a bit towards explaining the disparity between you and your girl. I don't want to jump on the bandwagon, but it's possible that some of your appetite could be based on some things that you aren't aware of. Not your fault. And not just your problem either.. Marriages are supposed to be about teamwork rather than frustration or chore-work.

Jeez, I sound like a jerk. I just have a sex-addiction-survivors guilt I guess. I feel for you man, I really do. I could make suggestions, but trust me when I say that they would be the wrong ones.

One thing though.. masturbation can be your friend. It can be totally excellent to tell the truth. ;)

 

[thisbejoe7]

Oh wow, this thread is so loaded that I'm afraid to comment. I think I've been sort of where you're at, in that my sex-drive was drastically different than that of my wife, but for different reasons. Her reason is that she really just wasn't so into it, for her sex was fine every 3 weeks to 4 months. My preference on the other hand was twice a day...

Don't hold back, I'm thick skinned. :-) Hmmm, your wife being fine with sex 3 weeks to 4 months sure sounds like something else was going on with her. I know the low drive ladies aren't going to like me saying that, but female sexual arousal disorders are common and there is treatment for many of the biological issues that cause it. And there is therapy for the psychological causes too. Anyway, I won't get off on that tangent again.

As much as people accuse me of being a sex addict and obcessed with it, I would love to that I could handle sex several times a day but in reality that would probably grow old pretty quick unless my wife suddenly turned into a super sex freak. In all honesty, once a day would wonderful for me and would greatly help me with my physical drive and various other benefits of having daily sex. Sure as a high drive male I would love to occasionally have sex several times a day, but on average it would be too much for me if it were that way every day. Typically I'm more than ready and feeling a strong need for sex by day 3. I feel pretty good at once a day, I can manage pretty well at 2 days, but by day 3 I really need to do something.

In my case I exploded, and went to the extreme opposite of what Fadeaway described. Sex became -everything- to me. I was just so goddamned frustrated that I never got over it. Those events wounded me to my core, and destroyed my sexual identity. And the thing that arose in it's place craved sex the way a starving man would crave food. Hell, women simply were food to this engine of destruction. It was the only thing my self-esteem was built on, for gods sake...

Wow that sounds pretty intense, I'm sorry it was such an extreme thing for your situation. I can sort of relate to the starving man and food analogy, but only because I've been refused for 6+ months at a time several times in our relationship. I don't generally feel that way. And I've never been so desperate as to view women as sex objects/food. Not judging you but I've never felt that way. I do know that sexual issues can really chip away at your self-esteem big time. I feel unwantable and as if no one would want me. Thats the effect my wife's refusal and sexual neglect have had on me.

I don't know if that's the case for you; if sex is part of where you get your self-esteem. If so, it could go a bit towards explaining the disparity between you and your girl. I don't want to jump on the bandwagon, but it's possible that some of your appetite could be based on some things that you aren't aware of. Not your fault. And not just your problem either.. Marriages are supposed to be about teamwork rather than frustration or chore-work.

No I think I base my identity on other things fortunately, so it hasn't been quite so devastating in my case. It certainly doesn't bolster my self-esteem and self-image to be the guy who's wife doesn't want to have sex with him, but my overall happiness in life is not tied to my sex life anymore. I think it did play a role years ago before I really started working on myself though.

I've got no problems accepting the possibility that there are issues under the surface relating to our sex life that certainly could be unknown at this point or I'm unaware of them for some reason. Hopefully those things will get flushed out during our therapy. I agree that marriages are supposed to be based on teamwork. For a long time I've felt like I was the only one in the relationship really working on improving it. Its hard to be the one dragging your spouse to therapy and being the one who has to ask the hard questions and fight the dysfunction seemingly on your own. It is getting better lately though.

Jeez, I sound like a jerk. I just have a sex-addiction-survivors guilt I guess. I feel for you man, I really do. I could make suggestions, but trust me when I say that they would be the wrong ones.

One thing though.. masturbation can be your friend. It can be totally excellent to tell the truth. ;)

Nah, you're fine. Thanks for the compassion and if you want to make any suggestions feel free to send them to me in a private conversation.

And yeah masturbation is how I've maintained my sanity over the years. Thank God our hands/arms reach to our groins! I'm reminded of a signature line of someone I interact with on another forum. It says: "Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand". There is truth in that!

I've had to find ways to make masturbation more arousing and intense for myself. I've toyed around with herbal supplements to increase the amount of ejaculate, and practiced exercises and techniques to draw out my orgasms and things like that. I'm actually pretty good with it and even as a kid I had all sorts of creative ways to make masturbating really fun. I just hoped I wouldn't be needing those skills as much once I got married and could hopefully have a woman meet those needs.

 

[cherryblossom]

I don't understand how the relationship without any sex would be any more significant than that of a friend.

What bit don't you understand? Do you kiss, cuddle, caress, hold hands with etc, etc, your friends? Are your friends 'there' for you, 24/7, no matter what? Would they support you both emotionally, and financially, without hesitation? Do you share a home and a bed with your friends? Do you make joint decisions about your future together with a friend? Do your friends tell you they are in love with you? That's to me what are some of the significant differences between partners and friends.

Usually when men have low sex drives there is a hormone problem or other health issue like heart issues or depression causing it.

I think the key here is usually. There will always be exceptions to the norm. Like I said, unless he indicated to me that there was an issue surrounding his low sex drive, (be that physical or emotional), then I would accept that it is normal for him.

Have you had experiences in your life that shape your view of sexuality? It seems like for you its a very minor detail of being human and something so irrelevant it can simply be discarded.

I have been raped, the first time was about 20 years ago. However, I also had a very normal and healthy sex life after that, while intimacy was difficult to begin with, with his patience, I enjoyed sex. However, to me sex is fairly irrelevant. I've had no problem living without consensual sex for the past 10 years. If I never had sex again, it wouldn't bother me. But equally, if I found the right partner, I have little doubt that we could have a normal and healthy sex life. And again, it would be difficult to begin with, because I have PTSD, so I do get triggered, and I do have flashbacks. I have also been raped a couple of times recently and that's all still very raw, because it is so recent. But I still don't think it has changed my view of sexuality, because I know that rape isn't abut sex, it's all about power.

I just think that 'usually', for women to enjoy sex, there has to be an emotional connection, where as for men, it is much more a physical act. Maybe for me, having been raped, I 'need' to have that emotional connection. Simply because I would have to trust him enough to begin with, to tell him about my past, and between us figure out a 'slow and steady' approach to engaging in sexual acts, where I felt I was able to stop at any time, if I was triggered, experiencing some sort of flashback, or simply wasn't enjoying myself. And having been raped on more than one occasion, I know just how close a relationship would have to be, for me to know for sure, if I said 'stop', he would stop.

I also know for a fact, that I could never just say yes, go ahead, have sex with me, if I wasn't into it.

So, for me, having a sexual relationship would be difficult for both of us, however, I still don't think being raped has shaped my view on sexuality. I don't think sex is wrong, or dirty, or bad. I don't hate men (most of my closest friendships are with men). I don't think it's wrong to have either a low sex drive or a high sex drive. But I do think it's wrong, if you have a high sex drive to expect your partner to match your sex drive.

Hmmm, your wife being fine with sex 3 weeks to 4 months sure sounds like something else was going on with her. I know the low drive ladies aren't going to like me saying that, but female sexual arousal disorders are common and there is treatment for many of the biological issues that cause it.

Why does there have to be something going on with her?

Her reason is that she really just wasn't so into it

That was her reason, I don't understand why you can't just accept that as a reason. Why does there have to be something wrong with her?

I'm trying to be the healthiest individual that I can be and as part of a couple, I'm also trying to provide the safest and healthiest environment for my partner that I can

I don't think that having sex with your wife, when you know she doesn't want sex is healthy for either of you, and you've been doing that for 10 years. I hope you listen to your therapist, and that you use masturbation instead of your wife, to gain your daily sexual pleasure.

am involved in several large online communities and I have to say your view that sex is not the glue (for example) is not shared by the majority of people

I have to wonder if the views of people in such online communities might be a little bit biased.

 

[thisbejoe7]

What bit don't you understand? Do you kiss, cuddle, caress, hold hands with etc, etc, your friends? Are your friends 'there' for you, 24/7, no matter what? Would they support you both emotionally, and financially, without hesitation? Do you share a home and a bed with your friends? Do you make joint decisions about your future together with a friend? Do your friends tell you they are in love with you? That's to me what are some of the significant differences between partners and friends.

People with healthy sexual function would naturally be led into sex from most of those connecting activities. I still don't see how you can remove sex from a romantic relationship and think its the same thing as a sexual relationship just minus the sex. Any room-mate can fulfill some of those items, but its still nowhere near the same as a sexual relationship with someone. Sex is what makes it a special type of relationship, otherwise anyone could fill the role.

I think the key here is usually. There will always be exceptions to the norm. Like I said, unless he indicated to me that there was an issue surrounding his low sex drive, (be that physical or emotional), then I would accept that it is normal for him.

I am more than happy to acknowledge that there are always exceptions to the "rule". I am speaking in somewhat of a generality representing the majority of cases. And I would agree with you there, if there is nothing physically or psychologically wrong with the person and low/no desire is what they prefered and wanted - then sure, but we have a term for that too, asexual.

I have been raped, the first time was about 20 years ago. However, I also had a very normal and healthy sex life after that, while intimacy was difficult to begin with, with his patience, I enjoyed sex. However, to me sex is fairly irrelevant. I've had no problem living without consensual sex for the past 10 years. If I never had sex again, it wouldn't bother me. But equally, if I found the right partner, I have little doubt that we could have a normal and healthy sex life. And again, it would be difficult to begin with, because I have PTSD, so I do get triggered, and I do have flashbacks. I have also been raped a couple of times recently and that's all still very raw, because it is so recent. But I still don't think it has changed my view of sexuality, because I know that rape isn't abut sex, it's all about power.

And I am deeply sorry that you have been through that type of abuse and I can understand how that would impact your view of sex and relationships and men. The stats on sexual abuse are horrible and its devastating that so many people suffer abuse like this at the hands of someone else. Its good that you can differentiate the rape with sex, but I don't see how someone going through a traumatic event like that could say their view of sex isn't affected by those experiences.

I just think that 'usually', for women to enjoy sex, there has to be an emotional connection, where as for men, it is much more a physical act. Maybe for me, having been raped, I 'need' to have that emotional connection. Simply because I would have to trust him enough to begin with, to tell him about my past, and between us figure out a 'slow and steady' approach to engaging in sexual acts, where I felt I was able to stop at any time, if I was triggered, experiencing some sort of flashback, or simply wasn't enjoying myself. And having been raped on more than one occasion, I know just how close a relationship would have to be, for me to know for sure, if I said 'stop', he would stop.

I also know for a fact, that I could never just say yes, go ahead, have sex with me, if I wasn't into it.

I agree with parts of this and disagree with other parts. Its absolutely a stereotype that men only think of sex as a physical act. There are MANY men (like me) who get quite a bit more from sex than just a physical release. There is a closeness, intimacy and connection that comes through physical contact and sex that we can't get elsewhere. It is deeply emotional, even spiritual. Some men are very shallow and immature and have not explored the depths of their sexuality. I feel bad for the women in their lives. Personally I think this is why I don't sleep around, am not a cheater and don't have casual sex. I prefer to know the person, to care for them, to be friends and have an intimate connection before sex takes place.

And yes I think its very important for partners to be sensitive to triggers and have a deep trust. Even if there is no past abuse or trauma, its important that lovers trust each other and not abuse or ignore the other persons wishes, preferences and limitations.

So, for me, having a sexual relationship would be difficult for both of us, however, I still don't think being raped has shaped my view on sexuality. I don't think sex is wrong, or dirty, or bad. I don't hate men (most of my closest friendships are with men). I don't think it's wrong to have either a low sex drive or a high sex drive. But I do think it's wrong, if you have a high sex drive to expect your partner to match your sex drive.

See we have here another misrepresentation of what I'm saying. I agree with you, we shouldn't expect our partners to "match" our sex drives. That is unrealistic for more people and also because sex drives are fluid and change over time, there are seasons of different levels of sexual need. Even as a man, I find my sex drive goes through seasons where its lower and other times when its high. What I do think we can expect a partner to do is to show love and desire by at least wishing to meet our needs and taking reasonable steps to try. Most often I hear of relationships where you have a giver and a taker. Its manipulative and parasitic and horrible. For a relationship to work well sexually, both partners should be willing to give and not just take. Sexually there should also be a reasonable expectation that your partner will enjoy sex. Its not supposed to be painful, forced, one sided or lonely. Those are all signs that something is wrong.

I don't think that having sex with your wife, when you know she doesn't want sex is healthy for either of you, and you've been doing that for 10 years. I hope you listen to your therapist, and that you use masturbation instead of your wife, to gain your daily sexual pleasure.

I have to wonder if the views of people in such online communities might be a little bit biased.

You are misrepresenting our situation again. As I said this was a mutual arrangement designed to take pressure off of her, but still accommodate my sexual needs. She frequently offers these one sided quickies and wants to do that for me as a selfless gift. It is not the type of thing that you are describing. I hate one sided sex and long for her to want it and enjoy it rather than just be a limp presence. It is most certainly unhealthy for both of us, but there are still needs to be met and this was the compromise we reached some years back.

Your statement about me listening to my therapist comes across as scolding as if I'm a child. That may not be your intention but that is how it comes across to me. I think you assume I am somehow resisting her advice when in fact I have embraced it and am currently working on adapting it for our situation.

Side note, I listened to a beautiful interview today with someone who teaches sexual healing. It is absolutely beautiful how pleasure when embraced and not suppressed can be an incredibly healing force in our lives.

The beautiful thing about these online communities is that there is a mix of views represented. Former refusers, current refusers, low libido, high libido, etc. You get a very full picture of the impact that our sexuality has especially in the dynamics of a relationship. Its fascinating stuff.

 

[Meadowsweet]

@thisbejoe7 I recently wrote a thread discussing the subject of sexual expectations in a relationship. After listening to others, I eventually reached an understanding that in a sexual relationship, the healthy sexual side of that relationship is something that is part of the closeness that a majority of people require.

However, the other significant aspect that came out of the thread is that for sex to be healthy, then loving, caring and emotional bonding needs to be part of the sexual experience.

What comes across in the way that you speak of this subject and the way you speak of your wife in this situation, is that the emotional bonding is missing from your sex life.

For me, that would be as neglectful and unfulfilling as having no sex is for you.

 

[cherryblossom]

Your statement about me listening to my therapist comes across as scolding as if I'm a child.

Sorry, it wasn't intended that way. I apologise, if that is how it came across.

To be honest, I'm somewhat confused by your response, as it seems to be a little contradictory in parts.

There are MANY men (like me) who get quite a bit more from sex than just a physical release. There is a closeness, intimacy and connection that comes through physical contact and sex that we can't get elsewhere.

If this is the case, then I really don't understand how you can be physically, aroused and orgasm, when you know full well that your wife isn't in to it. I just find that hard to get my head around. Yet, in your words,

As I said this was a mutual arrangement designed to take pressure off of her, but still accommodate my sexual needs.

If sex is more than a physical need, how does this arrangement bring closeness, intimacy and a connection?

What I do think we can expect a partner to do is to show love and desire by at least wishing to meet our needs and taking reasonable steps to try.

can you expand on this? What exactly do you expect her to do?

 

[thisbejoe7]

However, the other significant aspect that came out of the thread is that for sex to be healthy, then loving, caring and emotional bonding needs to be part of the sexual experience.

What comes across in the way that you speak of this subject and the way you speak of your wife in this situation, is that the emotional bonding is missing from your sex life.

For me, that would be as neglectful and unfulfilling as having no sex is for you.

I agree with you, sex without the emotional bonding is unfulfilling and repugnant, at least for me and I am pretty sure I can say it is for my wife as well. This is why we are both working on our own areas of responsibility and trying to get to a much healthier place.

 

[thisbejoe7]

Sorry, it wasn't intended that way. I apologise, if that is how it came across.

Tone and attitude are easily lost in text based forums. No worries.

To be honest, I'm somewhat confused by your response, as it seems to be a little contradictory in parts.

Ours is a complex situation, its not a black and white one or two issue situation. There are multiple issues, many nuances and a long history. These are not easy things to explain in a short time, in short text posts. If there is something specific you want me to clarify, I'd be happy to. I'll try to clarify more below...

If this is the case, then I really don't understand how you can be physically, aroused and orgasm, when you know full well that your wife isn't in to it. I just find that hard to get my head around.

When I was a little younger and my physical sex drive was always at the forefront of my mind, it was easier to go along with the one sided sex arrangement. But in the last few years it has been harder and harder to get aroused and even physically enjoy the process. It has become repugnant, offensive and undesirable. Which is what makes the therapist's suggestion much easier to practically understand.

I guess you could think of it more like this. Lets say I am a huge movie theater fan and love going to the movies. Lets also assume that I'm in a relationship with someone who will go see a movie but doesn't enjoy the experience necessarily, they just go along to spend time with me and be present. As a guy which in general tends to build relationships through shoulder to shoulder activity, it meets a basic need at a bare minimum level just to have her with me at the movie. Is it highly emotionally fulfilling, no. Is it something she is excited about, no. Is it something we can compromise on and spend time together with, yes. Is it wrong for me to enjoy her going to the movie with me, no. Do we sometimes do things in relationships that we aren't excited about or into because its beneficial to the relationship and helps the other person, yes.

So in that same way, sex became like going to see a movie that only one of us is excited about. And even then its not a perfect analogy, but I hope you get the idea.

If sex is more than a physical need, how does this arrangement bring closeness, intimacy and a connection?

You are missing the point. One sided sex was the bare minimum, it scratched the physical itch, but it does not truly bring closeness, intimacy and connection. For a time it did bring a certain physical closeness, and the chemical cocktail released in the brain at orgasm did blind me to what was lacking sometimes. But the point is not that one sided sex was what I wanted. I don't want that. The point is that sex should be a mutually good thing that brings about those attributes in the relationship.

can you expand on this? What exactly do you expect her to do?

Can a relationship work if one person is willing to meet (or try to meet) the needs of the other person, but that person is not willing to do the same in return. Is that not the formula for an abusive and unhealthy relationship? I simply mean that two people in a romantic/sexual relationship have a reasonable expectation that their partner will want to be with them, care about their needs, and make a best effort to satisfy them. This is a two way street, not a one way thing. When it only goes one way, dysfunction and abuse happen.

In our situation, I simply expect her care about me and what I need as an individual. Just the same as I care about her and would do anything to meet her needs. I have asked her many times to please tell me if there are things I need to work on to be more attractive to her and to meet her needs in general (not just sexually). I often feel like I'm the partner where nothing is off limits, nothing is asking too much and I'd do anything for her. But I don't have that in return. Instead there are many limits, inhibitions, problems, sensitivities and unilateral rules. This is what I'm saying isn't healthy.