I haven't yet filled in the title. I don' t know what to write. I read the other page about the intro thread, but this is extremely difficult for me. I still freak out and have trouble saying the "r" word in therapy with my trusted therapist of 17 years.
I was sexually assaulted as a young child.I never told anyone. I felt a lot of shame and embarrassment. Plus I lived in a very poor community and honestly the police didn't seem to give a crap about much of what went on in the area we lived in. As a teen, I began dating my assistant pastors younger brothers. He was controlling and abusive. With the help of some of the people in my church, after a year, I got out of that, but it was a scary experience and it left me severely depressed.
Depression became a close friend of mine. It seemed to cling to me. I couldn't shake it. And my mind seemed overrun with thoughts of suicide. I think the only thing that kept me alive was the fact that I was raised in a church that taught suicide was a sin you went to Hell over. And I was terrified of going to Hell. I held on though. Meet a good guy right before I turned 16..Married him a few months after my 17 th birthday. (He is wonderful. We have been married 18 years now. If it weren't for him. I don't know where I would be.) A few months, 2 I think, I got pregnant. We had moved to a large city, joined a church we loved. Felt like the people were our family. I had my son in the wee hours of the morning, and people from the church strung in all through the day to see the baby and check on us. A few months pass and I have slipped into depression again. I can take care of my child fine, but I am losing massive amounts of weight. I was down to about 90 pds. I got a call my grandmother had a stroke. My grandmother and I had always been very close. The thought of losing her was more than I could handle. I spent the weekend driving back to my home state to be with her. She died about 5 weeks later. Once she passed away, I lost another ten pounds, began passing out a lot, fainting, and on some days literally could not tell you my name. I felt very lost.
Knowing I was obviously in trouble , I went to my pastor and asked him for a referral to a Christian therapist. He told me they preferred to handle that sort of stuff within the church and he was trained to counsel. I went in the next day. The first session was okay. I told him about the assault as a child. And about the ongoing sexual abuse , which I know I did not mention above, by a family member. Sorry. He seemed very concerned. Asked if I could come back the next day. I did
A few sessions into it, when the pastor stood up he hugged me and I could feel he had an erection. When I got to my car I broke down crying. But on the way home I convinced myself I had to be wrong, because he was a good man. He would never do that to me. Problem was, I wasn't wrong. I was in way over my head. And before it was over I had been touched inappropriately, manhandled and assaulted by my minister.
I am currently trying to deal with this in therapy. It's very difficult for me. It was 17 years ago , but talking about it still leaves me frightened, and crying like a baby. My therapist says the secondary sexual abuse and assault at the hands of my minister, and the way the church swept it under the rug when it came out back then, caused secondary traumatization. It has brought on other issues such as self injury, frequent thoughts of wanting to die, an eating disorder, chronic ptsd, and disassociation. I frequently have horrible nightmares where my pastor is holding me down, with his hand over my mouth... I know I am an adult know, but being an adult makes it no less terrifying. I have good days and bad days. I still believe in God, but I can't go to church. I have tried. It makes me panic. I fill sick and end up bolting for the door. HE, is still ministering. He is at a church just down the road from me now. It makes me very sad that the organization he is with cares so little about what he has done to my life, and probably the life of others.
I hope I did my intro correctly. I apologize if I did not. I left out graphic details. I am honestly just not in a safe enough place myself right now to get into them.
Stephanie
I was sexually assaulted as a young child.I never told anyone. I felt a lot of shame and embarrassment. Plus I lived in a very poor community and honestly the police didn't seem to give a crap about much of what went on in the area we lived in. As a teen, I began dating my assistant pastors younger brothers. He was controlling and abusive. With the help of some of the people in my church, after a year, I got out of that, but it was a scary experience and it left me severely depressed.
Depression became a close friend of mine. It seemed to cling to me. I couldn't shake it. And my mind seemed overrun with thoughts of suicide. I think the only thing that kept me alive was the fact that I was raised in a church that taught suicide was a sin you went to Hell over. And I was terrified of going to Hell. I held on though. Meet a good guy right before I turned 16..Married him a few months after my 17 th birthday. (He is wonderful. We have been married 18 years now. If it weren't for him. I don't know where I would be.) A few months, 2 I think, I got pregnant. We had moved to a large city, joined a church we loved. Felt like the people were our family. I had my son in the wee hours of the morning, and people from the church strung in all through the day to see the baby and check on us. A few months pass and I have slipped into depression again. I can take care of my child fine, but I am losing massive amounts of weight. I was down to about 90 pds. I got a call my grandmother had a stroke. My grandmother and I had always been very close. The thought of losing her was more than I could handle. I spent the weekend driving back to my home state to be with her. She died about 5 weeks later. Once she passed away, I lost another ten pounds, began passing out a lot, fainting, and on some days literally could not tell you my name. I felt very lost.
Knowing I was obviously in trouble , I went to my pastor and asked him for a referral to a Christian therapist. He told me they preferred to handle that sort of stuff within the church and he was trained to counsel. I went in the next day. The first session was okay. I told him about the assault as a child. And about the ongoing sexual abuse , which I know I did not mention above, by a family member. Sorry. He seemed very concerned. Asked if I could come back the next day. I did
A few sessions into it, when the pastor stood up he hugged me and I could feel he had an erection. When I got to my car I broke down crying. But on the way home I convinced myself I had to be wrong, because he was a good man. He would never do that to me. Problem was, I wasn't wrong. I was in way over my head. And before it was over I had been touched inappropriately, manhandled and assaulted by my minister.
I am currently trying to deal with this in therapy. It's very difficult for me. It was 17 years ago , but talking about it still leaves me frightened, and crying like a baby. My therapist says the secondary sexual abuse and assault at the hands of my minister, and the way the church swept it under the rug when it came out back then, caused secondary traumatization. It has brought on other issues such as self injury, frequent thoughts of wanting to die, an eating disorder, chronic ptsd, and disassociation. I frequently have horrible nightmares where my pastor is holding me down, with his hand over my mouth... I know I am an adult know, but being an adult makes it no less terrifying. I have good days and bad days. I still believe in God, but I can't go to church. I have tried. It makes me panic. I fill sick and end up bolting for the door. HE, is still ministering. He is at a church just down the road from me now. It makes me very sad that the organization he is with cares so little about what he has done to my life, and probably the life of others.
I hope I did my intro correctly. I apologize if I did not. I left out graphic details. I am honestly just not in a safe enough place myself right now to get into them.
Stephanie
