Abuser V Paedophile: Who Would You Call?

[Sideways]

I got stuck between a rock and a hard place this morning, and had to choose between asking for help from my dad (abused me as a kid), or the only guy in my apartment complex with a car, who happens to be a paedophile and registered sex offender, although he never abused me.

I locked myself out of my apartment and had to get an urgent lift to the property managers office to get a spare key. I only had me and my dog, no car keys, phone or wallet. There was no one else in town with a car (rest of family is interstate).

I was an absolute mess, crying and shaking and clinging to my poor puppy for dear life. I ended up choosing the sex offender who hadn't abused me over my dad. And now I feel sick and disgusting and I don't know if reaching out to my dad would have been the better option.

I had to ride in his car and make friendly small talk and act incredibly grateful. But in truth, I felt physically ill at the idea hat here I was, completely dependent on this paedophile to help me and get me home safe.

So if you had to pick between who you reached out to for help, who should you pick? How do you make that sort of choice and still be looking after yourself.

 

[Kintsugi]

Hard to say what I'd do in a situation like yours. Knowing me, I'd probably look for a young girl or and old woman or a mother or something (sorry, guys, sexist, I know), if I were in an apartment complex. I've had to ask perfect strangers for help, before, and the people I've picked have almost invariably been girls between 18 and 25 years old.

If I had to pick between an abuser and a pedophile, though, I'd probably pick the pedophile. Most of the people I've met who are attracted to children, pubescent children, or teenagers weren't predatory or weren't good at being predatory. Of course, you're talking about someone with a record, which is different. People who have abused me, though? Well, there you have it.

 

[mamachick]

That is a tough call, and I would have likely done as you did and would have felt the same all the while and after the fact. We of course prefer to distance ourselves from this kind of person.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I think you made the choice that was right at the time.

I would have made the same choice. At least you can distance yourself from this person, whereas family is often harder to cut ties with.

 

[ladee]

I would have picked the pedi. I am a grown woman and can damned well take care of myself.
I would have felt like I had been 'slimed' from being in his car and that close to him . I'm pretty sure my body language would have been very rigid and vigilant.
But the creep over the family creep for sure.
Sorry you had to endure that But very glad you had your dog. I'm sure it helped to stay grounded.

 

[mamachick]

Well said ladee, "slimed" is a great description. Better than family creeps!

 

[Sideways]

@ladee - that's totally it. Slimed. I feel like I'm covered in him. I'm stuck with this image of me in his car, hugging my dog. At 4 months he already knew something was up, and he just snuggled his nose into my arm.

It feels like now I owe him something. Like he's going to knock on my door and ask for a favour in return. And I know that even if he did, I could just say no. But that creeping feeling in your gut, like you have to do what they say, especially if you don't want to.

But I just couldn't bring myself to ask my dad. Because then I'd really owe him one. And the thought of having to ask him for help, when I'm considering cutting him (and my family) out of my life completely, it felt like I'd be going right back to square one, and like fate is always going to find a way to make me need him in my life.

It's incredible silencing. Like I'm in this perpetual shadow. The demons of the past all creeping out from the corners and the cracks, knowing I'm alone and vulnerable.

Yesterday was a good day. I caught myself thinking that yesterday, like I felt like I was starting to get some small amount of control over my life and the choices that I can make. Then something as simple as losing my key, and I feel just as stuck in this hole as ever. We can't ever really get away from our past. It's always there, waiting for life to find a way of reminding us and saying "hold on, not so fast with all this recovery stuff".

Urgh. Sorry for the pity party. Scared to leave my apartment again. Bugger.

 

[Tinyflame]

In a desperate or desperate-feeling situation? Whoever I thought would be able & would help @Ragdoll Circus , just as you did.

(Fwiw, even though the actions are deplorable most paedophiles or abusers aren't monsters either, just screwed up too. He did something good for you, that might help him too, more than you know. )

Gad it's ok, :hug:

 

[Freedomfighter]

I got stuck between a rock and a hard place this morning, and had to choose between asking for h...

I would probably not be able to choose either. I am not making contact with any strangers unless I have to at work, but that is because Iam a stalking victim.

Iam grateful that I can ask one family member my son for help if I have to.

 

[Stickler]

Is there somewhere SAFE you can stash spare keys?

 

[Sideways]

@Stickler - they're security keys, so I can't get copies made unless the property manager does it themselves, and they don't let tenants have more than one key. It's a pain, because the garden here has gone pretty feral so yeah, if I had a duplicate it would be all good.

Thing is, I'm pretty paranoid about security and my keys, so fortunately I'd only left the house with my front door key and all the others were inside. And I noticed it was gone within the space of walking one block, which I scoured, even checking the bins and underneath all the cars. I was pretty frantic there for a while because I figured who could've picked it up that quickly, and if I found it, I wouldn't have had to ask anyone for help.

Lesson learned. Lanyard round my neck next time. Will take a bit of courage though.

 

[joeylittle]

@Ragdoll Circus - could you stow a bit of cash for a taxi? Alternately, if you happened to 'destroy' your key somehow, would they give you a replacement? (This is how I got myself a duplicate security key - I don't feel terribly guilty because I'm careful with both of them).

As far as your question goes...I think I would have gone with abuser. In my mind, the devil I know is always better than the devil I don't. But really, it's not a choice anyone would ever want to make. I'm glad you came out of it safe.