Abusive Siblings

[Lady of Longbourn]

If you found out one of your siblings was abusive to their spouse and/or children, would you still talk to them?

 

[RussH]

The answer is yes, but it would be to hold them accountable for the actions.

 

[Abstract]

Are you talking about physically or in other senses?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

@Abstract Physically.

 

[DMerish]

I would definitely talk to the sibling. But more importantly, I'd be sure to let my sibling's spouse or child know they could always come to me for help if they needed to. If the sibling's behavior did not change, then I'd probably go very low contact while trying to keep lines of communication open with the victim.

 

[mamachick]

Yes. Abusive people are suffering. They have usually been abused themselves, and in attempts to do things different, they often end up doing the same thing.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Tough one because in a way it would be condoning the abuse (in my mind). I think that I would speak to the sibling and if s/he didn't change his/her behavior, I would have no choice but to separate myself from this person.

 

[Hashi]

I think there are too many "it depends" to be able to answer.

It depends if I cared about them, if they were in denial about what they were doing, if they were trying to get help, if someone outside the situation holding them accountable might have a positive effect, if stopping talking to them might act as a wake up call...

 

[Britt.f7]

I agree with Hashi, it depends. My sister and I have different ideas of what discipline should be. What I think is abusive, she does not. I'm not sure in a court of law it would be considered abusive. She knows I don't agree with her methods. I think her kids know I don't approve either. I know my children know. I keep my eyes and ears open to make sure it isn't worse, but I think it is sometimes hard to know what goes on behind closed doors. Not always, sometimes. I also know that she has physically kicked her husband before, but I don't know if it has ever been more then that or if that was a one time incident. I would have to know for certain that that is what is happening in their house.

 

[nursenurse]

Family is always family. Be polite. But truthful. And always remind them you love them no matter what. You never have to like them or what they do. Nor condone it. They need to know that as well. Awful position. I have been there.

 

[Abstract]

I agree that it depends on the relationship you have in the first place and I believe it is also influenced by the the type of person the sibling is.

For me with mine I would make a plan to meet up with them alone. I would confront them calmly with the facts. I would lay down that this type of behaviour is never ever acceptable. I would ask them why it is happening and if they have considered help. I would insisted they get help and remind them that they are not only damaging others but themselves as well.

I would remind them that although I don't in any way support the behaviour I do still care about them and want more for them. That it is possible to change.

There are of course some people who are beyond reasoning with. I have a cousin who is extremely abusive but then it would not be a surprise as this seems to be to you. If it was someone like my cousin I would anonymously report the issue to the police and social services and not attempt to approach him directly as it would not be safe to do nor would it be useful.

If there are children involved I would report it to social services regardless even if I did not state all the facts (depending on the severity of what has occurred) and just asked for them to check in. I would also clearly tell my family member that I would report it to the police if I heard of one more incident. I would tell the children to tell me if anything happens, encourage them to call the police and make sure they know the best ways of doing so.

If I needed to use cutting off contact as a way of enforcing change then I would do so. I also think a family intervention could have a place in the right type of family. Not mine that is for sure and from what I have read of yours Ayesha I doubt yours either.

 

[Candleflames]

I report child abuse regardless of how I am related to the person. I did try to report one of my sisters but to do so across state lines is impossible. I also cannot stand to listen to her cuss at her babies and toddlers or the smacking sounds over the phone so I don't talk to her anymore either. I did initially try to talk to her but that didn't go so well. She thinks that because "she" grew up being beat and she's "fine" that it's an acceptable way to parent.

I'd have to speak up against spousal abuse as well and try to convince my sibling to get help.

Everyone suffers when even just one person in the family is out of control.