Acceptance

[Tinyflame]

Hello everyone, have been lurking and missing everyone- have come to the conclusion I'm not as strong as I thought.

Am still learning to break through a lot of denial.

Hope it's OK to come around, know there are no 'conditions', but I realize I felt quite burdensome to all here when I left. I feel humbled to realize that even despite that, I can come back here. I must say too apart from my own (selfish) needs I have been concerned and wondering about so many people here, and it has broken my heart when I can't even offer words of support.

I don't know much, or why I am posting this, but I am thankful for all here, also the wisdom to be gained here too.

I have come to the conclusion I can say I've minimized ,well- pretty much everything in my whole life. Minimized it, denied it, or blocked it out. Then avoided the fall-out from that. I never knew one could run so far there'd be no where left to run. I don't know how to change, but my ideas aren't so grand, lol. As poorly-expressed as this is, I hope it works towards un-isolating myself. That's why I put this thread under that category.

Maybe it's time to accept 'who' I am, for better or for worse? I'm tired of running. I would rather at least stand-and-support than be in denial. I'm sick of 'me', lol.

-Love and thanks to all, am humbled and thankful, (well I always was but feel more so

)
P.S-(I need a 'bashful' emoticon

)
Meg

 

[deer_in_headlights]

((((((((((((Meg))))))))))))))))!!!

Welcome Home!!!
(I'm glad you stayed near... gosh it was hard saying goodbye!!!)
Welcome, welcome, welcome...
Someday you'll fly outa here, and you'll soar... but you always have a home in your forum family members' hearts!
Hooray, the Prodigal Daughter is back!!!
(I'm going to go have a bite of chocolate to celebrate your return! :D )
Party time, Meg's home!!!
Much love,
Deer

 

[intothelight]

Hi Meg,

I missed you around here and am glad to see you back!

Deb

 

[ISupportHer]

Junebug,

You were gone? LOL. I say that, not implying that you were not missed, but that your presence remains in the support you have shown others. Even if you take a break for a while!

As for leaving, I do the same thing, but in a different way, I guess. Sometimes am overwhelmed and realize I am only posting in the chit chat area. Kind of avoidance really. Sometimes we can support others, sometimes we need to soak up support FROM others. But we all are who we are, and accept each other as is, you included.

ISH

 

[anni]

Hi Junebug!

I know your name is Meg but I just love saying 'Junebug' because it sounds delightful- not that Meg doesn't but you know what I mean? "Junebug" - reminds me of early summer, and our creek here, and the moments right before dusk when all the animal and insect life is competing to tell us they're here on the planet.

For what it's worth. I do kind of the same thing. Then I'll have days like today, ( and all this last 2 weeks, mostly ) where the old, old fear/shame/dread/worthlessness is there when I wake up in the morning again like roomates you keep trying to evict but keep coming back. Makes it worse plus exhausting staying on top of it.

Wish you could see how plain old valuable you have been here-maybe when you're a little stronger? Thanks for the smile this morning-seeing your name, although sorry it must mean you're not feeling terribly well. We're still here, and hugs! :)

Anni

 

[Tinyflame]

You are all so very sweet, yes chocolate is on me for all Deer (we seem to be the same 'herd'

), Deb prayers for Zeus for monday- he is strong in love and therefore will, ISH I have made enough progress (teeny bit) to need more to give than to take now but your support is invaluable, dearest Anni, spring is coming hang in there, hope your neck/ back is feeling slowly better, and am going to be 'honest' and say for once yes I don't feel terribly well, but trying to get those 'roomates' their own house on the coast, lol. Bless your sweet selves.
-xox

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you too anni because it never occurred to me to think of myself as feeling/ being 'unwell'- I always blamed myself for either being too weak, or some failure on my part. The ignore it/ 'try harder' philosophy.

 

[Sethe]

Glad you're here Junebug.

 

[Jawn]

I'm glad to see you are back Junebug.

Jawn

 

[Jestadud]

Saw your name in the members online list a couple of times and have seen that you posted since your leaving thread so knew you were still around, selfishly reassured that you still had a presence here.

I think leaving here is best done like giving up smoking, do it first then then tell everyone when you feel you have succeeded, this must mean less pressure on oneself. But I definitely think it is nice of people to pop in after a while to let us know they are OK.

As for this thread I think accepting who you are is a positive thing after all we accept you this way flaws and all.

 

[Wonderer]

I am completely new here...so obviously I did not know you 'went away.' The reason I'm here is that I could not find a face-to-face support group. I've always found it disturbing that alcoholics & narcotic abusers can have personal support, but many of us, who were their victims, cannot without being supervised and/or medicated. Please don't think I hold bitterness towards this...but it boggles my mind. The many violent abusers I've had to face alone...nothing survivors say scare me as I believe them.

So here I am, after so many years, and I'm not in the least bit surprised at why I'll always need to return to those experiences whether I have a support group or not. I'll explain... to me, and I'm beginning to think it's just me, I'm exhausted by the tyranny of 'the good.' I know that good people do not mean to oppress me and that changing the circumstances that define me are not within my power. You see I don't come from their points of reference and I don't want to keep having to nod my head, like a hood ornament, to all they hold 'near & dear.' I'm proud of myself to have reached a point in my recovery that I can acknowledge with sincere appreciation the values of their relationships and families. I still struggle with how inescapable it is to be forced to publicly (especially at work) confirm them again and again and again... You see I come from a lifetime of abuse of all kinds, and in three countries, and I'm of mixed racial decent. Even without the decades of being brutalized I would be an outsider to what is socially the norm.

I'm tired and I want my peace and quiet. I don't want 'family' or 'relationships' anymore. The former almost destroyed me and the latter would never be capable of validating me (I never expected them to) and I don't need it anymore. The simple truth about me is that I was a quiet child with artistic & musical interests. I suffered through worlds within worlds of hell. At all times and in all modes of therapies, they insisted that my knowledge of what is to them a given and the goal of 'healthy' should be mine. Please understand that I don't feel negative or morbid about this...really... only it's dead to me.

I payed so much upfront to my 'family of origin' and then all the other relationships that even the thought of having to cope with anyone else now is simply not an option for me. It took 20 years of solid abuse everyday, 10 of related abuse while I had no other choice but to 'build a life & mind while I 'recover' and then cruelest of all; 4 years of utter exhaustion in what I believed to be an unsumountable depression. I have been recovering for some time now. My art, paintings that I could never have completed before, have traveled around the world. I like my peace, I like my quiet and I like the hope that possibly I'll find even the most delicate link to those who can like me know:
- They suvived and they did their best
- They are entitled to define their own sense of their needs outside of our society's obsessions and carved in stone 'norms'
- They are no longer afraid to say they know that it is sufficient to love simply and only to what still has meaning to them
- They understand the irony of my favorite Icelandic saying "It is possible to do everything right and still lose"
- And they ask...oh wow...dream come true! Like if you say 'Mother' has no meaning to you literally and symbolically, that you became your own mother, father, whatever...they know...and you don't have to lie or face that inhuman blank stare...

Don't mean to sound even close to 'heavy' but I'd rather find out sooner than later that this is just another dead end. I enjoy my life now and if my way of achieving this victory cannot be shared with others...well...I know my inner survivor is not in the least bit surprised...