Acceptance

[Lionheart]

Like growing a fingernail it was gradual and almost imperceptible at first, then I noticed I wanted to combat the self-harm and was resisting it. One day I looked down and had a "fingernail" I knew I had not done anything wrong on a superficial level, then deeper and deeper until I finally fully accepted it.

The sad truth is, I took the blame for a long, long time....many years after I began therapy. I acted out for over a decade and a half against myself, placing myself in situations as closely resembling the original offending traumas as possible.

The problem is that I understood intellectually that I was not at fault, but it took me a long time to get it emotionally.

Still, although it took a long time, it did keep getting better and better until I had fully accepted it for what it was/is.

My therapist said that if a man were standing on a landmine and it blew up, it would take a long, painful time to fix him...she explained that I had been standing on the "landmine".

My traumas happened early in life and they were severe and prolonged so perhaps that is why it took so long for me to accept and heal from it. I guess you must cut through a lot of shame before you can begin to address the blame.

 

[aut555]

It's great to see you have moved forward. My first step was to feel the anger, and there was anger at myself, anger from abuse, anger directed towards spouse. That's tough. Then at some point l let go of anger, and just grieved the loss of a 18 year marriage or (hostage situation it felt more like). Then l started rediscovering myself. Decided to skip beating myself up for allowing it to happen. Life is short, l don't want to wallow, or give my abuser that power. So glad you are opening the door, slam it hard. :)

 

[Jody]

Yes acceptance has been the most difficult part for me. Recently diagnosed with ptsd but not the first time years ago I was told by a different t that I had it. Both times I was going to couples therapy apparently I have issues lots that I like to ignore or think aren't so bad. Accepting I have cptsd is sort of hard for me I've been the strong one for others but have no clue how to be strong for me. Only in the last couple of months have I opened up with T about csa and that's where it gets real hard. I don't have or didn't have memories of the actual thing happening but did have memories of things I new were not normal. I did emdr on one of these memories and a few nights later I had a memory which is hard for me to accept. Told t I think I know who did it. But I can't accept it. Can't be true I've must of made this all up in my mind. The person is family my oldest brother and as I type this it turns my stomach cause it can't be true!! That's all I do is go back and forth how can I accept that ?? I've been the one who's always tried to help him. See he's been a very depressed sometimes sucidal person throughout my life. He's kind loving and my oldest brother 20yrs between us. I'm supposed to try emdr tonight with this so called new memory. To be honest I want to give up therapy try my hardest on forgetting all this shit. I just want peace happiness calmness inside me. So how does someone accept first that they have ptsd second the things I do know and remember happened physical abuse by my other brother mom dieing when I was 9yrs old dad spanking me for crying every night (didn't want to go to school) all this when does it stop. Sorry I ranted and carried on but how do I move forward. I also got sent away after my mom died to live with aunt/uncle. My t says a lot of this is trauma is it?