I don't know if others have been through anything similar, but I have finally accepted the relationship I have with my daughters. It didn't happen over-night, so it didn't just happen, but my acceptance has been growing stronger up to this point and I am sure will get even stronger. My 2 daughters (who I thought had everything they wished for) have estranged themselves from me. It doesn't matter why so I won't explain, or why I think because they have never said. I have another daughter from previous marriage that has grown stronger (she grew up without so much, including my nurturing). Anyway, it has taken years for the heartbreak to heal...its a process and not an event. During this time, my health has failed. Im not angry at them but do not want them coming when I am debilitated or to my funeral. How do I express these wishes and to who? I am not ready to die or anything, and have come to peace with their decisions, but just do not want this in my weakest moments. Does anyone else have a similar experience?
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Acceptance
- Post starter mamachick
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I understand and have to say I am very sorry to hear that your health has failed you and that I am praying for all good help to come your way now at this vulnerable time.
My adult daughter has cut me off from my last remaining family members her and my two grandchildren who always had me in their lives until ten months ago.
I understand the rage, and pain and heartache and deep emotional pain of being estranged. My heart goes out to you.
I need to ask you a question and you do not have to respond to me....can you make a living will that says they cannot come to your funeral? Is there any way to keep them from finding out that you are so very sick right now? You have a right to want this and if I were in your shoes, I would not want my toxic daughter to come around me either.
I am jealous in a good way that you have found acceptance of what is...I cannot imagine the pain you have experienced and the journey you have been on to find acceptance at last. I think your wishes should be respected. I hope that someone comes along that has better ideas to assist you right now. Much love and prayers and sending hugs:hug:
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- #3
Rain I am so sorry that you have been going through this. I know you will get stronger. I was a mess at the 10 month mark. The 2 of them have taken turns over the past 10 years, and for the past 4 yrs, we are almost no contact. It has taken me a long time to get to this point and see things clearly. Time alone does not heal all but Im sure you will discover many things on this journey (if it continues) that will help you with acceptance.
I have some chronic stuff like lungs and spinal problems, gastro problems, but things I could live with for 20 years I suppose. I suppose a living will would be good, but I question if their father would execute it. My sister died of pancreatic cancer and did not want her kids knowing but they found out. One daughter was very loving but the other showed up raging. Nobody needs that during their last weeks of like, particularly when they have had years to express their hurts in a healthy way.
One of my daughters is very toxic and maybe a pathological liar. She has worked to sabotage my efforts and been abusive. I don't ever want to be a hostage again.
I have some chronic stuff like lungs and spinal problems, gastro problems, but things I could live with for 20 years I suppose. I suppose a living will would be good, but I question if their father would execute it. My sister died of pancreatic cancer and did not want her kids knowing but they found out. One daughter was very loving but the other showed up raging. Nobody needs that during their last weeks of like, particularly when they have had years to express their hurts in a healthy way.
One of my daughters is very toxic and maybe a pathological liar. She has worked to sabotage my efforts and been abusive. I don't ever want to be a hostage again.
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Deleted member 541
Ahhhh. @brat17 Glad you’ve finally gotten to acceptance, sad that you had to get there. It’s a bitter sweet road that we sometimes take. It’s been 3 1/2 yrs THIS time of being no contact with my daughter, and I’ve too have finally gotten to the acceptance stage. I feel blessed that I’m there as it’s always been so hard before.
No, I do not want my daughter to think she could cry over my death or funeral. So, I’m not having one. My will states that she gets NOTHING and neither do her children. The executor of my will was instructed to not cave in and give her anything and to handle my cremation without any family being notified.
No, I do not want my daughter to think she could cry over my death or funeral. So, I’m not having one. My will states that she gets NOTHING and neither do her children. The executor of my will was instructed to not cave in and give her anything and to handle my cremation without any family being notified.
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- #5
Thats great SheCat. I mean, its not that it isn't sad, but my emotions are not in it as they were. (I didn't think I could survive w/o contact because they were my babies and I loved them so much). I was still doing for one thru her college yrs. I run into her occasionally and its ok now. That is such a good idea because I'm not into a funeral anyway. Thanks
I am on the opposite side of your equation. I am the son who has a toxic relationship with my Mom. What I have had to accept is my Mom is mentally ill and I can not change that or the problems she has with my decision to live with my father when I was 10 post divorce. I cut off contact 2 years ago but am considering calling her back because she has asked me to through my brothers. I can let go of the past but she can't and were she not abusive I would have stayed in touch. I had to for my own well being. If I treated my sons the same as she treated me I would hope they would cut off contact with me as well. I just don't see that ever happening.
ms spock
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I am so sorry for how much that you have suffered @brat17 I have read you over the years and really felt for you. I am on the other side of the fence. I had to cut off contact with my Mother, as she is totally manipulative of her children, she is always telling lies about each of us to each other. She plays mind games, diversive tactics, lots of embroidered stories, and she is always the victim in some long drawn out stories.
One of my Mother's favourite games is trying to get one of her children to commit suicide, (mainly me for the longest time, but after I ran away she moved on) whilst running a counter narrative of "people who commit suicide are so selfish" narrative in the background.
My Mother loves diagnosing her children with all types of problems, she pathologises her children, she plays the "I am so hard done by each and everyone of her children" with a wide range of pity party friends. They spend hours discussing how they all have these awful children who never ever help out or do anything for them. One of my sisters has just moved out of Mum's house after living there for 5 years and not only looking after Mum and my brother for 5 years but also totally renovating the house on their weekends. Still it is not good enough.
Not one of her children, love, care, help or assist her ever.
She is so hard done by.
Even when I gave up law school to go home and look after my brother who has a severe disability, she still told all her friends that none of her children ever help, support or care for her. She is the never ending Angel who is hard done by and she implies and lies about so much stuff it is impossible to sort it out.
My Mother is a professional victim.
She did horrendous things to me as a child. When I was a teenager she told me that I could live in the house if I took back my disclosure of my sexual abuse by my Father (which she knew about and was party too), and the domestic violence, otherwise she would make sure that my sisters and brothers will grow up like complete strangers to me, and she mocked me to that effect a decade later and said you are not invited to a significant sister and brother event because "it is almost like they are strangers to me". She spent hours mocking me. She is sadistic and narcissistic.
I refuse to have contact with her, but my sisters and brothers that have contact with her are at her beck and call, and no matter what they do for her it is never enough.
I had wondered how you were going the other day @brat17, and I am glad that you have come to a place of acceptance. It is impressive that you got there. I am slowly moving in that direction. It is not easy.
One of my Mother's favourite games is trying to get one of her children to commit suicide, (mainly me for the longest time, but after I ran away she moved on) whilst running a counter narrative of "people who commit suicide are so selfish" narrative in the background.
My Mother loves diagnosing her children with all types of problems, she pathologises her children, she plays the "I am so hard done by each and everyone of her children" with a wide range of pity party friends. They spend hours discussing how they all have these awful children who never ever help out or do anything for them. One of my sisters has just moved out of Mum's house after living there for 5 years and not only looking after Mum and my brother for 5 years but also totally renovating the house on their weekends. Still it is not good enough.
Not one of her children, love, care, help or assist her ever.
She is so hard done by.
Even when I gave up law school to go home and look after my brother who has a severe disability, she still told all her friends that none of her children ever help, support or care for her. She is the never ending Angel who is hard done by and she implies and lies about so much stuff it is impossible to sort it out.
My Mother is a professional victim.
She did horrendous things to me as a child. When I was a teenager she told me that I could live in the house if I took back my disclosure of my sexual abuse by my Father (which she knew about and was party too), and the domestic violence, otherwise she would make sure that my sisters and brothers will grow up like complete strangers to me, and she mocked me to that effect a decade later and said you are not invited to a significant sister and brother event because "it is almost like they are strangers to me". She spent hours mocking me. She is sadistic and narcissistic.
I refuse to have contact with her, but my sisters and brothers that have contact with her are at her beck and call, and no matter what they do for her it is never enough.
I had wondered how you were going the other day @brat17, and I am glad that you have come to a place of acceptance. It is impressive that you got there. I am slowly moving in that direction. It is not easy.
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Disco Dancing Queen, your mother sounds like a real work Im sorry to say. "Getting one of her children to attempt suicide"...that is horrible. Moms should not attempt to diagnose their children even when they have the credentials to back it (such as psychologist). Its just too bias. I am so sorry for what you are going through. Things you describe are very toxic, putting you out if you didn't retract your account of abuse.
You gave up law school to care for your disabled brother? Maybe now it is time to start living your life the way you want to, and accomplish your own goals. Hopefully you have or can build a support system where your mother lacks. Im not any saint but I can't understand not supporting my kids through any of their positive goals, even at a cost to myself. I didn't have a mother growing up so it was so important for me to provide them with what I missed.
Im at a pretty good place with the acceptance. I love them but the are Gods children, he just let me raise and guide them. They do well. One was here for Christmas and comfortable but with some tension if that makes sense. (I still have to be careful to not walk on egg shells) Yet I know our hearts are connected forever.
I know sometimes disconnecting is the only way, and it sounds like that is your case. Take it one day at a time. Love should not hurt all the time. Im always here to listen.
You gave up law school to care for your disabled brother? Maybe now it is time to start living your life the way you want to, and accomplish your own goals. Hopefully you have or can build a support system where your mother lacks. Im not any saint but I can't understand not supporting my kids through any of their positive goals, even at a cost to myself. I didn't have a mother growing up so it was so important for me to provide them with what I missed.
Im at a pretty good place with the acceptance. I love them but the are Gods children, he just let me raise and guide them. They do well. One was here for Christmas and comfortable but with some tension if that makes sense. (I still have to be careful to not walk on egg shells) Yet I know our hearts are connected forever.
I know sometimes disconnecting is the only way, and it sounds like that is your case. Take it one day at a time. Love should not hurt all the time. Im always here to listen.
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My 2 youngest who had a pretty good life are the ones I refer to. The third and eldest was exposed to an abusive father and poverty among other things. She has suffered deeply. At Christmas, she and her family were planning to be here. When I told her that a younger sister and her husband were coming, I heard the hesitation and felt the apprehension that she may decline to come. This is a game that all my daughters have played over the years. If x is going to be there, then y says she won't. All 3 of them have done this. Even this Christmas, it had me on eggshells, but the acceptance was that let the chips fall as they may. I have tried to love them the best that I can. I have treated them like individuals based on their individual need. (they are not all the same) It seems that their is jealousy or that they use each other to control me. Thats part of the acceptance that I have reached. It is not my responsibility to make them all comfortable. There is nothing I want more for them to have a good relationship with each other now and when I am gone. But its not my circus and its not my monkeys. They will have to work it out.
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