Accepting the ‘new me’..

[Deleted member 48076]

Hi all,

I am new here but have been following the forum for a little while now and I find it brings a lot of insight into this new chapter of my life.

Following a traumatic event in July 2018 and the excruciating 9 months following this I have finally been diagnosed with PTSD, depression and anxiety and honestly, the words alone feel like I have been hit by a bus. Me? PTSD? How did I get here? How did my life become ‘this’?

Most of the time I feel almost an out of body experience, a complete loss of self, lack of any sense of direction, right and wrong, I am in complete autopilot mode unable to understand myself.

I feel a lack of balance in my life post-trauma. For a long time I have been putting the most pressure on myself to ‘sort my life out’ following summer 2018 and get a new job, go to the gym etc and now I feel I have just run out of the energy or will to live all together. I miss me.. I miss who I was prior to all this. I feel hopeless like nothing is ever going to change, these feelings will never shift and I will live the remainder of my days in sadness, isolation and autopilot mode.

What advice could you give someone who is newly diagnosed and only beginning their journey to learning how to live with PTSD?

 

[Kubash16]

Firstly, are you currently in therapy? Specifically trauma therapy?

Second, do you have a support system built up around you?

Third, have you thought about visiting a psychiatrist for medication? Meds aren’t always necessary, but for some it can help a lot especially while going through tough therapy.

Fourth, welcome and I am so happy you decided to join. This is a fantastic community and we are all here to help and support in any way we can.

 

[Deleted member 48076]

Firstly, are you currently in therapy? Specifically trauma therapy?

Second, do you have a support system built up around you?

Third, have you thought about visiting a psychiatrist for medication? Meds aren’t always necessary, but for some it can help a lot especially while going through tough therapy.

Fourth, welcome and I am so happy you decided to join. This is a fantastic community and we are all here to help and support in any way we can.

Dear LuckiLee,

Thank you for responding to me.

Yes I am indeed in therapy at the moment particularly directed at the specific kind of trauma I endured. I feel sometimes it helps, others it scratches at wounds that are nowhere near healed so it is tough.

Other than that my support system is non existent at the moment. Some may think it is out of choice which I suppose it may come across that way but I have chosen not to open up to my family and most friends about any of this because I don’t want to hurt them with this reality of mine. I have distanced myself from everyone in my life, literally. I put on a very brave face around people on the odd occasion I have to come face to face with them so I can only imagine I’m doing a good job of it if no one is asking questions! I also do feel like opening up to people about this is somewhat embarrassing and dehumanising to me as well as an extreme weight and bother to them.. The thing about opening up about this is people will ask questions to understand. At this stage, I don’t even have any answers for myself because I can’t quite understand what is going on and why, why I am who I am right now, why I do the things that I do, I can’t understand it and therefore can’t explain it either..

I am not currently on medication, out of choice. For a long time and before my diagnosis I genuinely believed I could do this on my own. I’ve never experienced hardship so to say in my life so this is all very new to me and I genuinely thought i’d eventually get over it. However, particularly in the last month or so I have been seriously considering medication now because I simply am not coping. Since my last ‘spiral’ episode about a month or so ago in which I end up needing the ultimate escape I haven’t been able to pick myself up and that has lead me to believe perhaps medication is the only way forward.. I guess I just worry about becoming reliant on it.. or changing even more as a person whilst on it? I honestly don’t really know why the thought of it terrifies me so much.

 

[Deleted member 48076]

Dear LuckiLee,

Thank you for responding to me.

Yes I am indeed in therapy at the moment particularly directed at the specific kind of trauma I endured. I feel sometimes it helps, others it scratches at wounds that are nowhere near healed so it is tough.

Other than that my support system is non existent at the moment. Some may think it is out of choice which I suppose it may come across that way but I have chosen not to open up to my family and most friends about any of this because I don’t want to hurt them with this reality of mine. I have distanced myself from everyone in my life, literally. I put on a very brave face around people on the odd occasion I have to come face to face with them so I can only imagine I’m doing a good job of it if no one is asking questions! I also do feel like opening up to people about this is somewhat embarrassing and dehumanising to me as well as an extreme weight and bother to them.. The thing about opening up about this is people will ask questions to understand. At this stage, I don’t even have any answers for myself because I can’t quite understand what is going on and why, why I am who I am right now, why I do the things that I do, I can’t understand it and therefore can’t explain it either..

I am not currently on medication, out of choice. For a long time and before my diagnosis I genuinely believed I could do this on my own. I’ve never experienced hardship so to say in my life so this is all very new to me and I genuinely thought i’d eventually get over it. However, particularly in the last month or so I have been seriously considering medication now because I simply am not coping. Since my last ‘spiral’ episode about a month or so ago in which I end up needing the ultimate escape I haven’t been able to pick myself up and that has lead me to believe perhaps medication is the only way forward.. I guess I just worry about becoming reliant on it.. or changing even more as a person whilst on it? I honestly don’t really know why the thought of it terrifies me so much.

Sorry, meant for Kubash16, I am only learning how to use the forum! I’ve put the wrong username.

 

[Kubash16]

Medication is scary, so is opening up to people, that’s totally normal.

I don’t suggest being super open with everyone you know. But is there 1-2 people consistently in your life that you trust enough to share this burden with? Sharing helps reduce the weight on yourself and eventually people will notice the not coping and will start asking questions anyway. If you approach it first then you will feel like you have more control over who knows what and how they should respond to you.

Medication can be tricky. Some people absolutely need it to get through the day, it’s just biology. For most people it just aids the process. My pdoc (psychiatrist) explained to me that the medication he’s giving me is just to help with coping while in therapy and maybe for a little while after and then we will taper off. I’m cool with having a sort of end date, I’m not committing to taking heavy duty meds for the rest of my life. It took a bit to find the right stuff and we are currently working up to the right dosage, but overall I have coped a hell of a lot better then I was before.

Also, a support system doesn’t always mean a bunch of people to tell your story too. For example, I have my T, my pdoc, one person I’m super close to, this forum, and then I have a yoga group I’ve become a part of. None of the yoga people know anything about me, but they still are a support in the sense that I can go there and feel okay, feel a little more whole after a bad day. I’m also working up the courage to join a couple MeetUp groups who, again, won’t know anything about me but will be used as an escape in a sense.

 

[Deleted member 48076]

Dear Kubash16,

I do have one friend who has been with me from the start of this journey. She pretty much knows the ins and outs of everything and I am comfortable in sharing information with her because she just simply does not ask questions and doesn't apply any unnecessary pressure on me to explain or understand what is happening. She shares her opinion when requested but can also quite happily sit with me in silence if it is the right thing to do, it is not awkward, it does not increase my anxiety, there is comfort there. However, I do feel like I don't want to bother her with the same old story, the same old feelings of hopelessness etc anymore, she has her own life to get on with! And plus I do realise I'm not great company right now nor have I been for nearly a year so I'm very surprised that she still makes an effort to make time for me!

I like the approach your psychiatrist took towards medication. I think using it as a temporary measure just to 'take the edge off' is perhaps something I could sign up for - I think it is the idea of being reliant on medication to get through my day for an unlimited amount of time is what terrifies me, as I say I have never experienced hardship like this before so for my life to go from pretty perfect in my eyes to this has been a shock to say the least.

I think you're very brave in joining yoga groups and even considering meet up groups! Well done to you! I haven't even been able to get myself out of the house to meet with people I have known for years let alone strangers so this is a really brave and big move! I think I am just in a zone of wanting to be alone at the moment. When I am distant and alone I feel the most comfortable. Comfortable in a sense that I don't have to keep playing happy, putting on a brave face, pretending to be the bubbly and outgoing person I was before, I can just kind of sit in my sadness and there is no one around to question it or try to change it.

 

[sunisstillshining]

Dear Kubash16,

I do have one friend who has been with me from the start of this journey. She pretty much knows the ins and outs of everything and I am comfortable in sharing information with her because she just simply does not ask questions and doesn't apply any unnecessary pressure on me to explain or understand what is happening. She shares her opinion when requested but can also quite happily sit with me in silence if it is the right thing to do, it is not awkward, it does not increase my anxiety, there is comfort there. However, I do feel like I don't want to bother her with the same old story, the same old feelings of hopelessness etc anymore, she has her own life to get on with! And plus I do realise I'm not great company right now nor have I been for nearly a year so I'm very surprised that she still makes an effort to make time for me!

I like the approach your psychiatrist took towards medication. I think using it as a temporary measure just to 'take the edge off' is perhaps something I could sign up for - I think it is the idea of being reliant on medication to get through my day for an unlimited amount of time is what terrifies me, as I say I have never experienced hardship like this before so for my life to go from pretty perfect in my eyes to this has been a shock to say the least.

I think you're very brave in joining yoga groups and even considering meet up groups! Well done to you! I haven't even been able to get myself out of the house to meet with people I have known for years let alone strangers so this is a really brave and big move! I think I am just in a zone of wanting to be alone at the moment. When I am distant and alone I feel the most comfortable. Comfortable in a sense that I don't have to keep playing happy, putting on a brave face, pretending to be the bubbly and outgoing person I was before, I can just kind of sit in my sadness and there is no one around to question it or try to change it.

So sorry for the trauma that you experienced. Know that you are not alone.
I encourage you to keep on seeing your therapist. Some days will be harder than others, but in the end the therapist should be able to help guide you into the healing process. Would you be willing to ask your friend to go along with you to a new group? I would encourage you to continue to build your support group and include people such as your therapist. You will need the support of people around you to help you on this journey.

 

[Deleted member 48076]

So sorry for the trauma that you experienced. Know that you are not alone.
I encourage you to keep on seeing your therapist. Some days will be harder than others, but in the end the therapist should be able to help guide you into the healing process. Would you be willing to ask your friend to go along with you to a new group? I would encourage you to continue to build your support group and include people such as your therapist. You will need the support of people around you to help you on this journey.

Hi Sunisstillshining,

It is definitely a relief to know that I am not the only one experiencing and suffering with this.. For a long time before my diagnosis I was wondering if I am simply going crazy, completely unable to understand myself. I remember thinking 'woah what if my mental is actually so messed up now I'm loosing my mind?!'. And then I got my diagnosis.. and through reading and this forum I learnt that this is a real condition, it doesn't mean I'm going crazy and I am not the only one!

As it stands, I am quite up and down with my therapy. As I mentioned in my post some days it goes well and others I feel so emotionally exhausted from going to therapy that I want to run as far away from it as possible but I know that it is my best shot at getting better so I am determined to continue.

Support seems to be a major thing for recovery, from what I am reading. I don't think I have much of that at the moment, I am very much alone in this and the people that remain in my life are probably confused at my out of character behaviour or unexplainable distance from them. Unfortunately I can't shift this. My family are now aware that there is more to it than I let on because after many months of suffering I broke down and told them that I am struggling. However, I did not go into any details because I simply cannot understand or explain it to my self, let alone anyone else. For that reason, I don't think they are able to be a support system to me, although I have noticed that since my breakdown they have become slightly more gentle with their approach towards me which i appreciate. I don't know how to stop myself from running away, from distancing myself from everyone...

 

[sunisstillshining]

Hi Sunisstillshining,

It is definitely a relief to know that I am not the only one experiencing and suffering with this.. For a long time before my diagnosis I was wondering if I am simply going crazy, completely unable to understand myself. I remember thinking 'woah what if my mental is actually so messed up now I'm loosing my mind?!'. And then I got my diagnosis.. and through reading and this forum I learnt that this is a real condition, it doesn't mean I'm going crazy and I am not the only one!

As it stands, I am quite up and down with my therapy. As I mentioned in my post some days it goes well and others I feel so emotionally exhausted from going to therapy that I want to run as far away from it as possible but I know that it is my best shot at getting better so I am determined to continue.

Support seems to be a major thing for recovery, from what I am reading. I don't think I have much of that at the moment, I am very much alone in this and the people that remain in my life are probably confused at my out of character behaviour or unexplainable distance from them. Unfortunately I can't shift this. My family are now aware that there is more to it than I let on because after many months of suffering I broke down and told them that I am struggling. However, I did not go into any details because I simply cannot understand or explain it to my self, let alone anyone else. For that reason, I don't think they are able to be a support system to me, although I have noticed that since my breakdown they have become slightly more gentle with their approach towards me which i appreciate. I don't know how to stop myself from running away, from distancing myself from everyone...

I am glad that you no longer feel alone. Of course, an online forum is one way to get support, and sometimes it is less intimidating than the face to face interactions. Feel free to message me and to continue to post on here on those days when you need some extra support.
I also understand wanting to run away and distance yourself from people... For months I was able to convince myself to go to church, but I showed up late so that I wouldn't have to deal with as many people. But wouldn't you know it, a very special lady noticed. On one of my worst days she came over and asked if she could give me a hug and pray for me.
I am glad that your family has been more gentle in their approach, though it sounds that they do not understand the extent of what you are dealing with. If you are open to the idea, perhaps a friend or a family member that you trust could attend a therapy session? Sometimes it helps to have a professional explain the condition and to have the words to say what you would like to express. I hope that helps.

 

[Deleted member 48076]

I am glad that you no longer feel alone. Of course, an online forum is one way to get support, and sometimes it is less intimidating than the face to face interactions. Feel free to message me and to continue to post on here on those days when you need some extra support.
I also understand wanting to run away and distance yourself from people... For months I was able to convince myself to go to church, but I showed up late so that I wouldn't have to deal with as many people. But wouldn't you know it, a very special lady noticed. On one of my worst days she came over and asked if she could give me a hug and pray for me.
I am glad that your family has been more gentle in their approach, though it sounds that they do not understand the extent of what you are dealing with. If you are open to the idea, perhaps a friend or a family member that you trust could attend a therapy session? Sometimes it helps to have a professional explain the condition and to have the words to say what you would like to express. I hope that helps.

Dear Sunisstillshining,

It is lovely to hear that you have a strong church community who are clearly trying to aid you in your healing.

I think in my case, even if I took a family member along to a therapy session they still wouldn't be able to grasp the complexity of the situation. In fact, I think it would terrify them that it is as bad as it is so perhaps that wouldn't be a good idea.
To be honest, I am not expecting them to understand, I can't even fully understand it myself all I know for sure is that who I am right now is not who I have known for the past 25 years of my life and it is extremely difficult trying to get to know this sad, fearful, distant, hurting individual all over again.

 

[sunisstillshining]

I hope that you are able to find a strong support system and I hope that therapy can be healing for you too. I am sorry that you are hurting so much right now. As you get to know yourself again, you may realize that you are stronger than you know. Being honest takes courage!