Childhood Acknowledging Your Parents Emotional Neglect While Managing Your Inner Critic With Your Own Kids.

[ghotiff]

This is my struggle. Every time I read about emotional neglect and then think about my mother (who preferred denial and the perfect family image over my safety) and I read examples of subtle neglect I can't stop my inner critic saying versions of "well you do similar things too". Then I end up in a spiral of negativity thinking of all the things I would like to do better as a parent.

I don't think I'm a bad parent but I'm certainly not perfect. But I would like to be able to reflect on my childhood without spiraling into self criticism.

I'm not wanting this thread to discuss ways to improve my parenting (I'm okay) but instead ... Am I alone with this. How to others reconcile these thoughts. Any suggestions?

 

[scout86]

I'm not a parent. A major reason that I'm not a parent is I figured I'd be terrible at it, because there was no way I'd know how to do it "right". My T asked me once if I felt "unfulfilled" because I didn't have biological children. (The answer is "No!" He said he didn't particularly like question, but it WAS a problem for some people, so he figured he should ask.)

Anyway, when I told him I was sure I'd have been a terrible parent, he disagreed and gave a few reasons. One major thing to remember is that YOUR parents probably didn't worry about stuff like emotional neglect. If they had, chances are they wouldn't have done it. You KNOW no one is perfect, right? And, that human beings are pretty resilient? I think you can make a lot of different mistakes as a parent, and, as long as you really love your kids and they know it, things will work out. I could be wrong, but I don't think so.

 

[mrsps]

Im also am not a parent (although hubby and I want to have kids and need to look at this soon as I am 33) I am scared of being a parent as I am afraid I will screw up their life. But I am learning in therapy what it was that I missed out on as a child so when/if we do have kids I can give them what I didn't get that I needed.
It has been a real eye opener for me how much "emotional neglect" has effected me right through my life. It is something that if we have kids I will make sure I don't do.

 

[joeylittle]

Also not a parent. But when I read your post, it strikes me that neglect - whether it's happening or not - has a great deal to do with intent.

So yes, you might perform actions or say words that remind you of your own mother; but it's very possible that her intent was to, say, sweep everything under the rug; your intent in the moment might be to help your child put something into context. And in both cases, the words you use could be "It's not as bad as you think", or something like.

As long as your intent as a parent is to be mindful, attentive, and loving, you might do things that you wish you would have done differently, but you will never be acting out of a desire to neglect, negate, ignore. I was definitely a neglected child, and in my mother's psychology it was always very clearly because she just needed things to be OK and was afraid of problems. Or situations. Or anything, really. She was neglectful of me because she thought if you just didn't look at something, eventually it would disappear.

She was not neglectful of my sister because my sister had very real health problems; so, same woman, totally stressed out by things not being OK - but she always was looking for what might be wrong with my sister, and that made her non-neglectful; and to this day they have a very strong relationship.

I guess I'm saying you don't need to worry about it as long as you are aware of what avoidance is, and you don't apply avoidance to parenting.

 

[Notsowild]

I am a parent to two kids. I never thought of myself as a great mother. Especially going through panic and anxiety most of their childhood. I am curious though I have 4 granddaughters and when my anxiety is high with them I don't know what to say to them. They just assume I'm cranky. I'll be watching this thread closely.

 

[Eleanor]

I worry a lot about parenting. From early on I looked and looked for books on how to do the emotional stuff. Nothing. Oh, tons of stuff on motor development, social development etc etc. But on how to parent with respect to emotional stuff? There is just very very little. I got the book "Childhood Emotional Neglect" and in it she describes the interactions where emotional nurturance doesn't happen, and then contrasts it to how it does and it was a total revelation. I wanted her to write about three volumes. When my daughter was born I decided to do attachment parenting (not the totally crazy over the top kind... I have a job...but didn't go back until my daughter was almost two, and my husband stayed home with her then... we are super lucky) The thing for me is that I just have no model of how to do this. Or rather the model I do have is mostly absent and not terribly helpful. So I literally don't know what to do - mostly I'm just playing it by ear. My daughter is almost 8. I try to help her out with managing her emotions (mostly clueless) and negotiating her friendships (some idea here) but she is so DIFFERENT from what I was it is hard to know what to do. She makes insta-friends, I was totally shy and mostly had a friend or two. Girl world was not for me. She has tons of friends at school. Her favorite friend to hang out with in second grade is a boy. They all play together. They cross ages to play. My rule of thumb is that she is allowed to feel and express her feelings, and then we figure out what to do. (Something I have trouble with, the feeling my feelings bit.)

Also something I worry about: I am pretty much unable to play with her. It is a bit better now that she is older, but imaginative play (which I did ALL THE TIME as a kid) I just freeze up. I can do games and puzzles now. But anything involving role playing or drama, I just... don't. I feel badly about this. She SO SO SO wanted me to, and now she has given up. And I feel very sad about that. And I don't know how/if it is important?

I worry a lot that I am just missing stuff. That I am leaving important stuff out. I don't think much about my childhood (what's to think about?) I didn't have trauma, just neglect. Scratch that "just" replace with "only." I remember realizing very clearly that I was "on my own" from an early age. I NEVER would have talked to my mom about the stuff my daughter talks to me about. What would have been the point?

And then with the PTSD and a difficult marriage and a lot of my own issues to manage I worry a lot about how emotionally available I really am and... well, I could go on and on. So how do I manage this? Honestly, mostly I just stuff it or get busy with something else. Those are pretty much my default coping strategies.

I'm afraid this is not very helpful, except to say... I'm with you, and all ears for anyone who has anything to offer on the constructive front.:bag:

 

[makibrd]

I am new to this site and have never done anything like this before (opening up to strangers)
However I am desperate at this point in my life. I am a single parent of three grown children whom I have become very dependent on and they all but one have moved away. Although I came from a very neglectful family, I was able to raise three independent children and what I found to be most important was being honest about my behaviors with my children. I still hate the way that I respond in certain situations, but my children tell me that my honesty about my behavior has helped them understand me and love me at the same time.

 

[ghotiff]

Thanks for all your comments. I'm still trying to process them all.

 

[ghotiff]

YOUR parents probably didn't worry about stuff like emotional neglect

You are very correct. My mother believed that she was/is perfect and that everyone else is always in the wrong. It scares me that I could be like this, people assure me I'm not...but my mother has no idea that she is (I think...I don't really know...she would never admit to a flaw).

you might perform actions or say words that remind you of your own mother; but it's very possible that her intent was to, say, sweep everything under the rug

I think this is is key and where I get caught up. Something to keep thinking about.

long as you are aware of what avoidance is, and you don't apply avoidance to parenting

Yes !

Childhood Emotional Neglect

Thanks for the book, but I couldn't find it, do you know that author? For a book that helped with managing child emotions, a book I really liked as "Raising your spirited Child" by Sheedy.

But anything involving role playing or drama, I just... don't. I feel badly about this. She SO SO SO wanted me to, and now she has given up. And I feel very sad about that. And I don't know how/if it is important?

My theory (for what its worth) is that you don't have to be 'everything' for your kids, but you hope to be able to give your kids access to it. Silly example, but if you are in a wheelchair, you can't take your kids on mountain bike rides....but you can allow other parents you trust to take your kids.

I worry a lot about how emotionally available I really am

Yes, if my parenting model was my mother how parent well. Its the "you don't know what you don't know" problem.

but my children tell me that my honesty about my behavior has helped them understand me and love me at the same time

Thank you so much for this. I have been doing this but I worry sometimes that its not the right thing because its so different to the way I was raised.

I had a session with my T today just after reading all your comments which helped me feel more confident to discuss these concerns with my T (thanks everyone).

One thing that keeps coming out with my T (but its in drips and hard to piece together yet...early days) is that.... I grew up believing my mother was perfect (this is what I was always told) and I believed this for a very very long time....so now when I do parenting that is different to what she would do I automatically assume that its the 'wrong' thing to do. I am also hyper aware of my PTSD-type limitations and get worried that they negatively impact my kids.

One of them is that I can't deal with anger (I shut down)....as a result, I don't engage in arguments with my children and I tell them that I'll discuss it again when they have calmed down (if its me that is angry, same deal). I was worried that it was avoidance, but my T explained that its actually healthy to explain to them that I understand that they are angry but they are too angry to talk now, and be open to talking about it later (which I am).

There were lots of examples today where I told my T about things that I worry are 'bad parenting' and she thought they were 'good' parenting, its just that it was different to how I was raised.

 

[BlueOrange]

There are things I'm proud of as a father:

• I didn't blame my kids for my behaviour
• I helped them to talk about feelings
• I was honest
• I allowed them to set boundaries, and to make decisions

There are things that I'm not proud of, but I console myself with the idea that I did a better job than the job I was taught by example.

 

[RussH]

I can tell you as a parent the number one thing your kids need from you is the assurance that they are loved by you.
No parent is perfect, and we make mistakes; lots of them. But at the end of the day our kids, now grown, know that we love them.

We were not able to get our kids all the latest styles or fad gadgets, but we were able to feed and clothe them. We were able to teach them and love them, and again in the end of the day, making sure your kids know that you love them is the most important thing you can give them.
Our kids are not perfect, but they are all doing well, and doing a good job raising their kids.And my grandkids know that they are loved by their parents, and their grandparents.

 

[Eleanor]

Sorry, got the title wrong... the book is actually called "Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect" by Jonice Webb.

Thank you for the Spirited Children one! I'll go get it....today!