Hi, I'm new, but a massive part of my joining is to try and get my Husband a bit of support (sorry, that's confusing, he is the carer, I'm the screw up)
I've been with my Husband 20 years (we were childhood sweethearts) and I know how stressful all of this is for him. I totally see your frustration.
There is Something that helped us really understand each other, I hope it helps, it's a bit boring, but bare with me!
Whenever I started to get fearful of a situation, for example that a phone call needed to be made to set up a savings account. I started asking him how EXACTLY the thought of making that phone call made him feel, nervous? Neutral?(usually his answer),scared. Then I described EXACTLY how it made me feel, complete terror, what if I screwed it up? We'd be bankrupt, they'd take the house (even though we rent) , car, all of my shoes, ultimately ending in the destruction of the world (on the plus side, ending world hunger, on the negative, that's a bit of an ultimate solution!) you get my drift?
You have to be really honest, but we find it helps us understand how each others brains work. You see, I know my brains the defective one (reading this post, I'm sure you agree!) but from my perspective my Husband has the weird world view. I find it very hard to understand that these things that literally terrify me, are something he barely notices doing. For a long time I'd explain how I felt about a given situation, but this only helped in part, it only really worked when my partner and I started to realise his perspective is equally alien to me.
When we bought our car we were able to figure out that it terrified me in every regard. Talking to the people about test drives (christ, I hate talking to people, I look awful, what if I screw it all up and they hate me?), paperwork (we'll never get the loan approved), just getting in a strange car (what if we crash and then have to pay for it?)
My husband then told me how the same situation bothered him. He started with, yes, paperwork was slightly nerve wracking, but he thought the loan would be fine, that the test drive, and chatting with sales people would be tiresome, but not stressful, and that ultimately he was excited as hell about getting a lovely new car! (oh yeah! And of course we wouldn't crash, he's a brilliant driver!)
The reason I use this example not only shows the contrast in our thinking, but also highlighted for me that I needed to go along (even though it was bloody terrifying), that I could take a bit of a back seat (excuse the pun) because my Husband was okay about handling most of it, but I did push myself a bit more than I would ideally be comfortable with to help with the paperwork, although my Husband took the pressure off me for the bits he didn't find bothersome, I was able to be supportive but not go completely out of my comfort zone.
I know this sounds obvious, but by doing this, instead of my feeling guilty all the time, when my hubby really was fine with doing a bit more (like taking the cat to the vet) I could step back, and this gives me more energy to help support him with the things he really does find difficult, like buying a car (but to be fair he is sickeningly well adjusted!)
I still get the mean reds (a lot!) and then, yes, it all falls to him, and that is probably the thing I struggle with the most. I often ask myself how my being scared somehow wins out over how much I love him, I put the fear first, that is one hell of a character flaw!
I really don't know how he puts up with it, but when I talked to him about it, he said
'imagine if you didn't have your problems, but I did, I know you'd do the same for me'.
I think my Husband is being lovely to me, but I do think what he said relates to you and your partner, do you think your partner would do the same for you? I think that's probably what helps a supporter through. If the shoe were on the other foot, would they do the same for you, maybe part of the reason he angers you is because you need that reassurance, I know your not the sufferer, but you mustn't neglect your needs, ultimately it will help both of you if you feel secure.
Good God! I sound like an agony Aunt, I am so, so sorry.
Hope it helps, hang in there, R.M.
