Addams Family Values, Or How To Disown Your Parents...

[scott_1971_h]

When people talk about "Family Values" they never talk about mine, it might make their brain short circuit (makes MINE short circuit).
Yeti is my female object (my Abominable Snowmum) and Dud is my male object (my Dud). People who say "Blood is thicker than water" must have come from another planet because neither of my parents have any warm blood, or indeed warm anything. Maybe it's Yeti and Dud that come from another planet, nothing would surprise me.
I haven't seen either of them for 4 years and it's only now that I am starting to repair the damage they have inflicted.
How have you (if you have) disowned your parents and/or repaired some of the damage?

Scott

 

[Kintsugi]

Hi Scott,
I don't have any personal experience, but I know that you can legally disown your family, and I believe this nullifies any rights they have to your life (hospital decisions, for example). I think the idea is that you would want a backup, though. For instance, if you are married, your spouse can make those decisions in times of crisis/in the case that you are unfit to make those decisions.

 

[shell]

Scott
If only disowning your parents were so easy. Sometimes I wish it were something I had done years ago, as I wouldn't have the repercussions now. I wouldn't feel guilty for depriving my son of his grand mother and grandfather that I was stupid enough to allow contact when I first left home. Recently I visited my parents who live interstate (I moved to avoid them) and had to endure my passive father saying what a troublesome child I was to my niece,who had never met me. It made me change my opinion about him, I had always thought he cared but didn't get involved. Now I realize I was deluded and he supported her abuse, that I got everything I deserved. If I had disowned them I wouldn't still feel so bad more than 20 years after leaving home. Sometimes it's better to cut them off, they continue to abuse in other ways, even if the abuse is more emotional.

 

[scott_1971_h]

I was also troublesome, difficult, etc etc etc. I've heard through aquaintences that Dud is "disappointed about how his kids have turned out", but i think it's his kids who have been the most disappointed... my 2 brothers hardly ever see him and I simply dont see him. I think even HE's got the message...
Scott

 

[sea]

Basically the only thing you can do is "disinherit" your family. There is no special statement you can make in order to say "These people aren't my parents anymore". They're still your parents, or your siblings, or whatever. You can't say "These people aren't legally my family". You can say that those people have no legal rights in your life whatsoever, and you can disinherit them from collecting anything after you've died, and you can restrain them from contacting you.

The rest you just do via hospital, for instance making your medical proxy a spouse or a child instead of your parents (Which it is automatically). At the time I disowned my family the only thing I had to do was make sure my medical proxy was someone other than my father, and I appointed my superior to that position until I met my ex-wife, who is still my medical proxy. There might be something more legal to that now, I am not sure. I did this ~20 years ago. In terms of property or assets or anything like that, legally all you have to do to ensure your family has no power is to disinherit them, which is done with a will. The only other step you can take is to file a no contact which is basically a restraining order, and there you have it.

There are other legal stuff if it's related to kids, though. For instance you do have to legally emancipate a minor in order to disown your kid, etc. Sorry that was not very relevant. In terms of "how" I just did the legal process and pretty much said see you the hell later, as for repairing the damage, um, I'll get back to you on that.

 

[anni]

Hi Scott,

I clicked on your thread because you worded it so well- it's very good! I DO realize there is not one thing funny in your childhood or your pain-of course there is not. I also do not have your parents, so please do excuse me answering on your thread. It just made me think of something awfully helpful my T is always, always bringing up. It's that using that side-ways sense of humour is really, really healthy and helpful, looking at things in some different manner, you know? I'll spare you mine but they're similar. He did tell me why but I always get the 'professional' stuff mixed up when I try to re-explain it so better not.

I see others have answered with some genuinely helpful posts pertaining to your question, so hope it's not intrusive throwing in something which really had zero to do with it. I just saw this, and it did make me think of something my T refers to quite a lot. I hope you do find some resolution to your problem, do take care.

Anni

 

[njray]

Just my experience in my "munster" family...
Scott kudos for the "Addams family" reference!

Not sure if this is the place but I am going to throw it out there......... I was very bitter towards my parents about a disorder that I Inherited through genealogy. The symptoms of the disorder could have been managed which would have increased my chances of me living a more normal life if it would have been acknowledged. That said as time goes on I am learning they may have suffered symptoms of this disease which could have prevented them from better managing me or they just were ignorant by way of education and/or the times they lived in that they just did not think or understand the trials I was going thru were more than just a liitle bit of immaturity, laziness and or lack of focus and direction.

Unfortunately having this inherited disorder may have been a subliminal reason why I became a victim in not only my recent trauma to which I was recently diagnosed with PTSD but the root cause of many other traumas in my life. This disorder also might be cause for some troubles in my sons life as well because I was also ignorant and oblivious to this disorder when he was younger....However, I will say that I have become more knowledgeable about the disorder and I have tried to be supportive of his illnesses the best I can and will try to continue to do so.

My mother passed many years ago to which I used to harbor guilt in not attending her funeral again quite possibly because of the disorder symptoms and for my father I used to harbor guilt because I allowed this disability to control me at times when I was under great duress to afford me to make many wrong decisions based upon symptoms of this disorder. But to be honest now I can see past the guilt and accept what has been handed to me somewhat 75% as I have not truly implemented all the techniques I could to manage this disorder and now PTSD which affords its own set of challenges.

I would never tell any one what to do when it came to there family issues because there are many reasons they may be what they are. But I strongly suggest that if there might be reasons you were wronged by another you investigate all the possibilities as to why they may have been pressed upon you. Not that it is an excuse for abuse (NO-Fing way) but I think it may help with its closure and ability to move on. For me I need to own up to my short coming in now these disorders and one of the ways is fixing (managing) me first to make me a stronger and better person then what I was . Once that is done I can start working on others.

I tie the above into this PTSD forum and post as again I believe the techniques that are supported and shared by many on this forum are ones I prescribe to and believe in that they will help me manage my PTSD and its symptoms to again become a better/stronger person today than I was in the past ...

Please share with me your thoughts.........

 

[Ruth]

How have you (if you have) disowned your parents and/or repaired some of the damage?
Scott

I'm 31 years old. I left home when I was sixteen. I was emancipated by the courts and that was the end of it. I didn't talk to my family for 10 years. Then after my trauma at age 26, I reached out to my brothers and my father. Since then we've managed to put together some semblance of a family. However, no one in my family speaks with my mother. I think it was important for me to look at my family like any other problem. If it there was something to be fixed, fix it. Otherwise accepted it or walk away. I had to set up boundaries and clearly express them. If my boundaries are violated (mother) I make no more effort to have them in my life. I've set up my estate, will and living will to the charge of various friends. There is no law (that I know of) preventing you from effectively and legally cutting your blood relatives out of your life. Emotionally I find solace in my friends. You're not alone, there are plenty of people that dislike their genetic providers.

 

[Spero3]

Scott,

I agree with MissAntiSunshine and Anni. I have a friend who had her name legally removed from the Mormon church. This is a HUGE deal in the eyes of the church. It really helped her get past her anger at the abuse she suffered because of church. I believe religion can be a form of abuse, and my friend is an perfect example. You may want to consider legally separating yourself from your family. And, I agree with Anni that humor can be helpful. My sister's and I use it all the time when we reflect on our childhood.

As for myself, I never got to tell my mother to go f*** herself. I wish I had. I would have gotten stronger a lot faster. I am living with my dad, so there is no escaping, but it is forcing me to stand up to him and call him on his shit. He is the most selfish, narcissistic person you can imagine.

Spero

 

[freakofnurture]

Meh.

My f*ther has been dead to me emotionally for well over two decades now, I think. There's nothing he could do, I think, to have me engage with him ever again.

My m*ther still pretty much owns me via guilt. I currently hope that I'll be able to sever my emotional ties with her once I find a word to describe her, a diagnosis, a lable, something other than 'm*ther'. She was like some kind of changeling, some sadistic insect alien from a planet that's in a war with the planet I came from, masquerading as a mom. Another one from m*ther's species layed some parasite slug eggs into my f*ther's brain while he was still a baby, and the parasites merged with his brain to form a horrible ghoul, hidden perfectly well amonst real humans. My insect alien m*ther could just watch him torture me without ever attracting any attention to herself. Insidious.

 

[hazen]

I haven't seen either of them for 4 years and it's only now that I am starting to repair the damage they have inflicted.
How have you (if you have) disowned your parents and/or repaired some of the damage?

Scott

Scott,

I just want to say, I feel you. For me repairing the damage has started with just setting boundaries with them period as my parents live very close to me and still try to interfere with my life and guilt the junk out of me. I just had a rough therapy session where I finally started to realize just how much guilt and shame I carry from the trauma I witnessed and suffered. On some level, I blame myself, and that is not right. I know that logically, but my body and heart haven't gotten the message.

So I am here to tell you, good for you for having this attitude! You are repairing the crap they heaped on you just by acknowledging how messed up it all was. Our parents did not provide us with safety or comfort, so we have to figure out how to self-soothe. I am barely figuring this out myself, but I think we can do it.

Because the alternative is that they run our lives forever and that just won't happen.

 

[Muzikluvr]

Here's the thing. My mother's family was a dysfunctional, abusive family. We were warned against them when I was a kid. They were fun to be around, drank a bit too much, the uncles were a little too touchy feely, grandpa never touched me; although he did molest his daughters when they were kids.

My dad's family was supposed to be the "good" family. The strong family. The healthy family. So, we went there a lot. We weren't guarded. They spoiled us when we were little.

My mom's mom recently passed away, and I hadn't seen her in ... well over a decade. At first, I didn't even think about her, but in the last 4 years I've been wondering "Why is it that EVERY day I strive so hard to find a bridge back to my dad's parents before they die, but I haven't thought at all about my mom's mom?" So, I guess that it is all about the attachment formed in childhood. The perception of the relationship.

My mom's mom was very self-centered. She wasn't excited to see me. I was just another grandchild in the slew of grandchildren that she had. She babysat for some of her grandkids... so she was probably sick of kids.

Whereas, dad's mom was excited to see me, I perceived that she loved me... and I perceived that I lost her love tragically. It was ripped from me. And ever since I've been trying to get it back.

It's very difficult to see that she is no better than my mom's mom. She is just as callous. I am the throw away grandchild. It's very painful losing these close relationships and hearing others blame me for the loss, listening to heartwarming commercials during holidays, having people come up and ask about my dad or mom, hearing them talk about losing a parent to cancer or whatever.