ED When food became your parents: disordered eating from childhood

[ms spock]

And in 2013 I did binge eating and purging though at the time I thought I had a stomach bug.

 

[Chava]

Great questions for the forum @Ms Spock

I also like @Cashew 's idea about reframing this to a healthier kind of parent. Also, looking at how you are now your own parent. Are you currently doing any kind of treatment for the E.D? (sorry if I've missed somewhere). My own ability to "parent" or take care of myself was compromised. I wanted to and tried, but the damage I had done to my body made it extra confusing. I couldn't just eat like others did. My stomach went haywire. So my inner "parent" recruited helpers. I had an excellent ED physician, dietician, and therapist through the rough period. In the past I really loathed working with dieticians, but the last one was fantastic and I felt really empowered. So now I know that's a little like finding the right therapist for myself too. The dietician really took time to understand where I was at, listen, and help me come up with new plans together. It was super f*cking hard, but gradual and personally empowering enough for me to not just quit out of sheer overwhelm and fear.

Eating disorders are so hard because we can't really do all-or-nothing or just give it up...like how I could just quit drinking completely since I have no control once I start. My drinking was lethal and hard enough to quit, but at least it could be approached this way...just stop completely. Food is obviously different...and why I like the idea of reframing continually (and also recruiting more help or support if needed).

In my full ED recovery it helped a lot to try some very different but very nourishing foods. Not saying it wasn't still painful. Hard stuff and exhausting to stick with it daily and get back up if I slipped into old habits on a rough day/week. Are there certain foods you are drawn to and feel more "addicted" to? You can't starve yourself, but you can slowly switch what you eat (this is where a good dietician helped make it feel manageable for me). I actually feel good and empowered through making good food choices, eating fresh fruits and preparing more whole food meals. It's weird that I even feel so good about taking care of myself, but I think it's that part about feeling empowered and knowing I can make different choices...and even be creative with them. So while you can't quit eating, you can work on the reframing and also possibly making different choices. But that is hard work...and if you can't do it alone or with the support you currently have, take that "inner parent" step of reaching out somewhere new....maybe? Whether professional, support group, or looking into new ways to gently provide new frameworks, goals, or structures for yourself?

These old patterns are hard to change and I hear how you're afraid of shifting to the other extreme...why I wonder about ideas of reframing, gradually but consistently trying new food choices (not starving, and noticing if being able to make new choices feels empowering or too scary), and considering avenues for extra support if needed.

Sorry for the long-ass response here, but thanks for posting and sharing this.

 

[Ronin]

Sorry for the long-ass response here, but thanks for posting and sharing this.

No sorries and all the thank yous for writing it. ;)

 

[VioletButterfly]

@Ms Spock - First, I totally understand what you've written and I hear your frustration. I, too, have been dealing with a life-long unhealthy use/abuse of food or lack there-of. I'm currently still working on an active ED and fighting another. I can't determine whether or not you've been to therapy or had treatment for your ED; however, but from what you've written here and through your insightfulness on other threads, I think you know that it's not about the food. My suggestion, from my own experience, and from what a few others above have shared, is to seek treatment and support for what underlies your issues and work on resolving those issues either in a program and/or with an outpatient team. If you have tried this route and it didn't help, then like @Chava said, she had to shop around, so if your first team was unhelpful, try another.

You're already working on mindfulness, self-compassion, and cognitive redirection (that I've seen out here) which is wonderful and supportive, and going in the right direction. Maybe, though, you need to get underneath the cognitive, sit for a while with the the reasons for ED in more detail and feel the feelings, and then process them so that you can heal. I say this because I've tried to do the intellectual work without the emotional and that has been led to many years of extending this thought/behavior pattern which surrounds and supports ED, making it much more difficult to un-entrench. The trauma processing and the ED work have to happen simultaneously, I believe. I hope some of this helped. I wish you healing, strength and courage. I know how hard the ED war is. VB

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi @Ms Spock , is there a way do you think to disengage the emotionality of food? Rather thinking of yourself in a kind enough way to treat yourself/ meal plan as you would for your child or SO?

It's not a politically correct way to put it, but there's a saying "Don't eat your feelings or that will make you fat". Conversely, I personally think (for myself only) not eating at all feels good to me because it denies a need; if I don't need (or perhaps deserve) food, then if I'm not hungry it isn't an issue if it's there or not, or allowing myself to eat or not (without any internal battle that I 'shouldn't be eating' or allowed to eat.)

Needless to say, other than health concerns or personal choice, I think too much is made of weight. It can change in a heartbeat, has no reflection for or against someone's character, attractiveness varies across cultures, & 'phat' is in. ;) :)

Good luck with your next goal, sweet @Ms Spock . I hope you achieve a healthy & self-kind balance. :tup: :hug:

 

[ms spock]

Thanks for all your responses. I need to read them and reread them to take it all in.