ED Disordered eating

ms spock

Sponsor
So this is not going so well.

Now I am pushing myself to do a lot more during the day I feel this massive impulse to comfort eat at night.

I got up last night to have some biscuits. I am not pleased with it but I am not going to beat myself up with it. I will notice it and make more adjustments as time goes on.

I am safe here. I really am. I am safe. There is no need to be behaving like this.

I have a great aversion to feeling my own feelings. I am so avoidant with them. I really wish I had made a bit more progress with this by now. But it is what it is and I am doing the best that I can. I am being much more active during the day and this week I have done 21 hours of professional development which I really enjoyed as it was really good.

I am much more aware with the attachment disorder stuff.
 

ninja

Sponsor
I am with you; also increasingly noticing myself using food to avoid feelings I don't want to have.
My tendency with dysregulating feelings in particular, is to forget the importance of grounding in the moment.
You are safe. I am safe. We're safe. 🫂
 

ms spock

Sponsor
So the less I dissociate and do things the more challenging this becomes. But it's better to engage and struggle with this rather than be numb and binge watching TV. So it's tough but worthwhile.

Had cold shower this morning.

Got up and was physically active, cooked, made plans and came to the doctor's to get my insect bites checked.
 

ms spock

Sponsor
So I got bitten again. I was so anxious going to the doctor and I realised I was sitting in a really defensive bracing posture zoning out on my phone. I was acting terrified and there was no one there that was a threat. No one to hurt me. I had to wait 30 minutes, which was mildly annoying but no great deal.

The doctor said they have to do testing for allergies which is needed as my leg has swollen up. I was surprised that the doctor gave me antibiotics. They said my leg was infected. So I have to go back for the allergy tests results that my psychiatrist has wanted me to get done. So that is good. I had waited so long I actually thought of leaving the doctor's but good thing I didn't.
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So it was really important to take those antibiotics I really didn't understand how much infection was there and how much my leg was swollen.

I am doing more and it's hard and I am really struggling with my eating again.
 

ms spock

Sponsor
So here I am again with this. It is what it is. I aim for slight better. I don't want to get engaged in a pointless battle with myself or get lost in ruminations or OCD thinking. So I am being aware.
 

ms spock

Sponsor
I found a Self Defeating Belief with my eating. I have this idea that I can only meet my needs through eating. This is not true. I don't need to eat to meet my needs. Or it is not just eating that can sooth me or reward me or care for me. I have skills outside this. This is a distorted thinking.
 

ms spock

Sponsor
So I did some comfort eating of cheese and apple last night. I wasn't happy with myself but I am also not going to fight myself anymore.

So I need to find ways of changing the habits. I need to find ways to replace the behaviours.

I could have gone and read a book instead or gone for a drive and taken the dog for a short walk. I could have done painting instead of using my hands to eat.

Anyway my Self Defeating Belief is that I can only meet my comfort needs through food, so I couldn't possibly give that up as I will have no love. It was how I got love as a child. I am, however, no longer a child. I can meet my emotional needs without eating.

This is my excuse for the comfort eating - that it's the only way I can meet my emotional need and it's not true. It feels true but it is not true.
 
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ms spock

Sponsor
I did not comfort eat at all last night. I stayed with that I have a Self Defeating Belief of only way I can meet my emotional needs is to comfort eat and it's not true. It feels true but it is not true.
 

ms spock

Sponsor
I skipped dinner last night and had half an Anzac biscuit and a tub of yoghurt.

I did not comfort eat last night.

I had breakfast, lunch and some snacks today. Continuing not to comfort eat.
 

ms spock

Sponsor
So it's been a cognitive distortion that I got on top of that enabled me to get here. It's taking up a lot of brain space but it's an improvement.
 
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