ED Disordered eating

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No comfort eating last night and a good night's sleep. Reading David Burns' Feeling Good' last night. Meditation this morning
 

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I am with you; also increasingly noticing myself using food to avoid feelings I don't want to have.
I am still noticing the tendency to avoid, this not wanting to be with feelings of shame, attachment stuff, and so forth but I am staying solid with no comfort eating at this time. I am pleased with myself. A friend came over yesterday - we met outside, wearing masks, and I did want to shove food in my mouth to self sooth. It was a solid interaction, I didn't dissociate, I didn't babble, I was here and I did reflective listening and gave him positive feed back. He's doing well, but when he left I went into beating myself up and feeling bad for the people that I have lost in my life. I just walked to the fridge whilst typing that, noticed what I did and came back and started typing again. Anyway I did want to comfort eat last night and I didn't.

What I think of as a snack is actually a full meal. So me saying I am not eating for the day and having 3 snacks is me eating a normal amount for the day. I am doing much better at this now. I feel on the edge of a big change. Not sure what is going on but I am more able to be aware of things and I am more here overall.
My tendency with dysregulating feelings in particular, is to forget the importance of grounding in the moment.
I am doing a bit better with grounding. I am being more here.

I am doing Tara Brach talks/meditation on anxiety, trauma and etc and other online groups.
You are safe. I am safe. We're safe. 🫂
It's so true. You are safe. I am safe. We are safe. It's a wild and woolly day outside with torrential rain and I am snug as a bug doing meditation and reflecting on the current/upcoming changes.
 

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Another night without comfort eating. I did dancing instead. It was fun. So now I am practicing to be out of the habit of comfort eating. So that is good.

On the scales I was 80.5 this morning. 67-69 kgs is the top end of my weight. I want to get really fit and I want to lose the weight and focus my time and energies into things that I really want to do. The weight itself is not that important (well for bringing down cancer risks and less weigh on my joints it's an issue) but it's not my main focus. What is my main focus is to be here, more grounded, present and finding other ways to be in the world.

If feels like I am on the edge of a big change. I am more here and things are settling.
 

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I do really enjoy my food though! I had a lovely salad today and I made a fabulous salad dressing with home grown fresh basil, rosemary, a native Australian mint, mint, lemongrass, garlic, onions. It was tasty! I also had cherries and nectarines.

I also had my first jatz with dijon mustard - DELICIOUS!

I am just now not numbing out on food, which is great. It's a huge change again.
 

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So as I really do enjoy my food I am really wanting to feed myself nourishing, tasty, delicious and yummy foods. Once I got on the distorted cognitions I was really able to manage this so much better. This is going well. I created myself a lovely dinner last night - a really tasty salad dressing with garlic, lemongrass, ginger, apple cider vinegar, extra virgin olive oil, Dijon mustard, salt and pepper. I made a salad of buck choy, shallots, carrot, celery, tomatoes, Jarlsberg cheese, fetta cheese, and I really enjoyed it. I did have cherries, jatz with Dijon mustard, carrots with Dijon mustard. I really enjoyed those as well.

So I had a decent evening meal and then I made a decision to stop eating and not go in to habitual eating, cleaned up and got tired and went to bed. Now I am not battling it out with myself over being wrong about my eating, my sleep has really improved dramatically. I have had 7 nights of solid sleep. I got in 12,000 steps yesterday. I went out walking in nature. This morning I weighed myself, 79.5 kilos, so small steady weight loss is the goal. It will reduce a whole lot of health risks. So I am pleased with this.
 
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Just on 10,000 steps today. I went to the beach to walk the Blue Dog. She had a great time.

I went out to lunch with people who didn't really lock down or socially distance when it was happening so I kept a mask on whilst they had lunch and came back home to make my own lunch. It's important to get out and socialise. It was good to see them. We don't agree on a lot of things but that's okay and I think that they were pleased to see me.

When I got home - as I do love to cook and I love to taste. I made a fresh buck choy and cabbage salad - with fresh from the garden - rosemary, lemongrass, mint, basil, and fresh garlic, ginger, lime, tahini, olive oil, honey, apple cider vinegar - made two lots. I ate it all up as I was really enjoying all the tastes. It was tasty.

I am not interested to go down the deprivation path of eating disorders. I just want to manage emotions without numbing with food and I would prefer not to be overweight. Slowly but surely I am getting there.
 

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This hasn't gone particularly well - but it hasn't been too bad either. Mostly I am doing okay, a little bit of comfort eating here and there but mostly okay.
 

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So really not doing okay with this in some ways - but still in moderate, small ways. It's about being present as myself and not going into stories or blocking or numbing.



I went to this once and it was good. Wednesday Evening Mindful Eating Drop-In Class - Online Meditation Classes: Live Video Meditation by Donation

I do a lot of meditation and it's helping me, very slowly but I am getting there.

I have gone to a lot of these meditation groups.



 

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I am trying to be more present in my life and connect with folks over zoom, whilst meditating, whilst really good, it is overwhelming.

I also miss my sisters and brothers, and it's not their fault or mine really how things have turned out. Our parents were so corrosively destructive to everyone around them. My Mother was really unfair and manipulative but my reactivity made me an easy target.

My communication skills are really poor with people in real time. I dissociate a lot.

I don't seem to be able to get it together.

Ty 🫂
 
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