Adoption and PTSD - Adoptee Parents Abuse Upon Me

[elvis]

i have read a few articles about this. i am adopted myself, and was adopted into a not very good environment. but i have read that adoption itself, (being taken away at birth and put into a foster home for me), for many people causes a severe trauma. i have horrible abandonment, separation, bonding, trust, security issues to name a few. and my desire for a loving mother seems to not go away only grow stronger, especially during hard times.
i posted this elsewhere but here is a short description of my adoptive mom:

she was not very nice. beat us. shrieked, spit, kicked. controlling. raging. unpredictable. humiliating punishments. made excuses for my dad. and knew always what to say to crush me. threatened to kill me a few times. said i was so bad i was going to kill her i made her so sick. that i could have ended up in a foster home. lucky to be there with them. call 1 800 child abuse if youdon't like it. you are a filthy pig. a nasty bitch. you are an animal. a MONSTER. you are so ungrateful. you have no friends b/c no one wants to be around you. we're going to build you a trough in the basement to eat out of b/c you eat like a pig. you are a hateful mean little girl. you are sick. the list gooes on. among other things for another time. my dad was like that times 10 or completely indifferent.

my earliest memory is in my crib (i know they say you can't remember stuff from that far back...but this one is REAL i know it is.) laying there with my head under my pillow frantically trying to put on my imaginary mask before she came in the room, i remember feeling terrified i wouldn't get it on in time. that i would be in big trouble. my mask was more like pretend makeup that i put on with my finger and spit. i remember thinking if i got it on just right, she might be nice and love me. tha ti might be okay.

 

[becvan]

Well, I think that adoption in and of itself would not cause PTSD because the criteria itself, for PTSD, involves a feeling of/or actually being in danger. Adoption would not cause that, although it could cause other issues.

As for your memory, not to be mean, but it is physically impossible to have memories from the crib. Why? Our brain develops a new way to store information at age two. Anything before age two is lost, rewritting, never too return. It is just how our brain is wired. Now, that does not mean your memory is not correct. The memory could be from around age two and your brain is just "filling in the holes" for a time frame and description of the bed. Our brains can and will do this. It doesn't mean that it didn't happen just that the full memory is inaccurate (such as age, time frame, the bed you were in etc.) which most of us deal with no matter the age! So don't defend yourself so much. Accpet the fact that no memory survives before age two and that this memory is probably from after that but at a very young age and don't worry about it.

bec

 

[elvis]

it most definitely is after that, i was adopted after 2. forget it. can you just delete my post. not in the mood for criticism here.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Sorry, we don't delete the posts. We all have different phases and emotions we go through and it is important to keep up the ones when we are down or having a bad day too. I think nothing was critisim. She just confirmed what you said really, elvis. And as I had said to you elsewhere people posting makes things more clear. I was thinking little baby as you said crib. That was where my mind naturally went. All she did is told you what you already knew but left out, it was after 2. That is all. The latter that you described in your treatment from the adoptive parents can cause PTSD.

That is one of the downsides to PTSD and typing, you can jump to conclusions about someone's intent in the post. When some of the people here give straight up information on a subject it is normally just facts and it is not intended to sound critical.

The post certainly explains why you have the fears of abandonment.

 

[Nam]

I was adopted at the age of five FROM a bad place into a good place and I still have issues of abandonment. Many people have said to me, "You were so lucky..." Well, I had to be unlucky before I became lucky. After having my own children, I can't imagine giving up my children at the ages of five or six. It's heartwrenching to think about.

I hope that with some soul searching Elvis, you'll come to a point that it's at least bearable and can be lived with. I'm sure you have wondered what life would have been like had you stayed with your birth mom. All of that thinking is a normal process of grieving of a life not to be.

Take care.

Nam

 

[elvis]

Many people have said to me, "You were so lucky..." Well, I had to be unlucky before I became lucky.

amen. i don't even think some people realize the impact of this really. i don't know how WHAT i am missing out on actually FEELS like... (belonging to a family, having a history).... but i can bet you that this does not help with the ptsd. at ALL. i want a mom so much i would cut my right arm off to have a mother who loved me. i have tried to find her...but that is another post.

 

[elvis]

Well, I think that adoption in and of itself would not cause PTSD because the criteria itself, for PTSD, involves a feeling of/or actually being in danger. Adoption would not cause that

http://www.birthpsychology.com/birthscene/adoption4.html

there are many articles about this. some overly scientific. this one says it best to me. think of it from the perspective of a child. i don't know really. all i know is my struggle. there are many articles out there. i wonder why there isn't any info here? am i out on a limb trying to make sense of this pain? i don't know. i am willing to learn.

 

[becvan]

I will not argue this. I will let Anthony handle this thread from now on. I am too exhausted to go there. Sorry Elvis. I am letting this go.

bec

 

[elvis]

i am not arguing. i was showing why i suggested it in the first place. i am NOT saying this caused my PTSD. wtf. forget this. please DON'T bother anthony with it. if it is a problem that i put that up there, then delete it. i can't believe i posted on here. i didn't mean to cause trouble.

 

[Deleted member 93]

Oh my elvis, welcome to the world of PTSD as a whole... Or me as I get accused at times too (we both get thought of as being too blunt that may sound mean but we are not really mean). Let me put a different spin OK and see if I can smooth it over? I can say, as bec and I can annoy each other, so again I can say this safely, until we got to understand each other.

Bec has a lot of things going on as we all do and sometimes we crash. All of us members, editors, and the creator have PTSD too and are not immune. She was bowing out instead of just not responding; me I may ask a question and wait to see other view points if I hit a wall. Not responding and dropping seems harsh at times as does just bowing out (catch 22). If I am wrong she will say so but I am getting a feel of her now... We are not immune to symptoms flaring and life kicking us down. Now I say as I know becs way of thinking (and if wrong she will no doubt correct me) when she said "argue"... It was as in try to show you a different point of view. Not literally argue with you. She and I have had some debates, but we both knew it was not mean spirited and we both learned. She is having a rough patch right now like we all get. You get two rough patches in one thread it looks more like a head on collision.

I can promise no one is saying it did or not one way or another. Some of us here are learning to cope with seperation anxiety from child parent relationships right now as it is too. While it may not be a cause of PTSD it most certainly is an issue that must be dealt with to heal from it. When having PTSD you have to learn to cope with so much more emotional baggage that you may be able to cope with if you did not have PTSD.

The info you share is welcome, the more we know the better. But we all have bad days... She was just bowing out and leaving you in more capable hands is all. Anthony does wonders at helping and getting people in the right direction when we don't have it in us. You have to understand it is hard to mentor when you are having a rough patch.

He leaves what he can in our hands (forum members) until we hit a mental block and then he kicks in if you really want to work on it (and that keeps him more than busy) plus the board. Or if we give advice he does not agree with. He is a pro at this. Without him I would be dead, I mean it. So she wasn't being an ass... But again she was just trying to put you in a more capable person's hands to guide you. And that is the best she can do for you... Any of us can do. We all as a whole on this forum, every last member try to fill in where others leave off. If it gets really sticky we call on Anthony as he has always been able to help sort issues for people to work with. Just after that it is up to you to do the work.

You are welcome here and your self esteem will improve no doubt if you keep it up here. Again it takes a lot for us to delete a post... Won't be deleting this either.

 

[mac]

Hey Elvis:hello: , I think your in a good place here regardless. I don't think anyone intentionally tried to upset you here. I hope you post again.:smile:

 

[elvis]

not in a good place.