Adult Daughter's Dv X-mas Discussion - Huge Trigger

[Marymickaela]

I grew up in a horrible horrible home living in fear everyday my f might come home and beat the crap out of my mom or us kids, possibly even kill us. Witnessed constant beatings to my mom, once where he kicked her so hard when I was 13 he broke her ribs and I was left to care for her by myself for 3 days. He choked my brother so hard his face turned totally dark blue while my mom beat on dad's back screaming "you're killing him". I never went to sleep at night until I knew he was home as he might drag me out of bed for whatever reason came into his drunken mind. I'm only telling you this so you understand I spent the 1st 19 years of my life living this before finally running away and filing assault and battery charges against my f. I then spent the next 20 dealing with my mom still living it and dreading even being around my dad. I married a man who never beat me, but does have trouble showing emotions, however he is very supportive.

The abuse I grew up with followed me my entire life and I'm now 66. I was only officially dx'd with Complex PTSD 5 years ago. Nervous breakdown 13 years ago, therapy over 12 years, but EMDR therapy only the past 18 months. EMDR has helped me so much.

Well Christmas Day I'm standing in the kitchen and my two adult daughter's (both with wonderful supportive H's) start having this discussion about domestic violence. They both know my history of abuse very well and we're now dealing with my 19yo granddaughter being in an abusive relationship which put her in the hospital last week.

My one d is an ICU Nurse and the other has friends who are stuck in unhealthy relationships. They start a discussion about the history of abuse, with their friends being in abusive relationships, my nurse d talks likes she's an expert as she's dealt with patients in abusive relationships. They are both talking like they are experts, and I'm just listening, not being included even thou I'm standing right there. I felt invisible, small and hurt. Feeling like they are discounting me and seriously shocked by their indifference to me and ignoring me. I totally shut down and finally walked away.

What would you have done? Should I say something about how hurt I felt? I want to write them and tell them. Seriously, they both know many of the horrible things my family went thru with my dad and I've told them I have PTSD, which I think they discount that "yeah, mom just has something else wrong with her".

 

[mfg]

It sounds like you have been through a lot in your life. I'm glad to hear you were able to break free and get the help you deserved.

I can't tell you what you should do, but I can tell you my own thoughts from the perspective of someone who is probably similar to your daughters. My mother grew up in a family environment that sounds remarkably similar to yours. I have heard a lot about the violence, the abuse, the constant fear, and I have grown up with the effects those had on my mother. As an adult, part of the way I deal with our family history (and my own history) is by working with abuse sufferers, most specifically those who have suffered childhood abuse. I do this in a number of ways. I am not an expert on abuse, but I know what I have learned.

I can see how your daughters' conversation would make you feel as though you were invisible. But, I think that your daughters may have just been having a conversation like any other conversation. Sometimes, people talk about things and have opinions on things that may upset us, but it wasn't necessarily their intention to upset us. I don't know for sure, but my guess is that your daughters were simply discussing things, not intending to hurt your feelings, and not intending to say that your truths do not matter. If I were in your shoes, I would let it go and not risk turning it into something bigger than it should be.

((hugs))

 

[Marymickaela]

MFG,

Thanks for your kind response. This is how it got worked out.

First I gave myself time to reflect on this, didn't do a knee jerk response such as sending them a letter. Yesterday, 4 days later I met with my EMDR therapist and processed this doing EMDR. It was a tough session. Not all sessions tap into those traumatic emotions, but yesterday and many lately have. However, it's those tough sessions that seem to help me heal. Before I even went to therapy I had time to put things in perspective and you're right. I realized that they were just having a conversation, not even thinking of my reaction. It was me having the problem

So while doing EMDR I was able to retap into Christmas with them having the convo and how I had felt in that moment, which was invisible. The more they talked the more I started dissociating, shrinking into nothingness. Almost like what you see in movies. I talked about after I had left home my father of course didn't speak to me, because "how dare I embarrass him and file assault and battery charges". So my memories of Christmas after that was my dad dropping my mom and brother off at Christmas Eve Mass where we secretly met, sneaking out early to my car. Freezing we spent about 10 min together exchanging presents before they had to leave. That was my Christmas for a couple years. Basically alone. I really processed that moment in the kitchen with my d's and then would go off topic and my Tdoc would try to redirect me back into that moment. I think I finally got it out of my system and went on to other traumatic memories surrounding Christmas's as a child. Left therapy completely wiped from all the sobbing. Ended up coming home and vegged the rest of the day.

Talked to one of my d's last night about it, but had already put it into perspective that they had no idea it was affecting me the way it did. You're right. They were just having a convo. It had nothing to do with me. But, I tried to tell my daughter she's just so so lucky to have a dad who has always been there, would and does anything for them. My d said "oh, I know that" and I said "no, you can't know that" and she kept insisting she did know.

Truthfully, I think I need to start a journel and write down some of my life events and not unload on my kids as they have their own lives and problems. Today, I woke up in such a great mood. It's like really great EMDR sessions heal a part of the brain that was damaged. I asked my therapist once I don't understand how it works and she said she didn't either, except that it does. I looked at her yesterday and said "you know what I'm talking about (my abusive childhood) don't you?" And she nodded as she too had grown up with the abuse.

I want to move on with my life, stop dwelling on how dysfunctional and horrible my childhood was, forgive myself for things I've done so maybe by writing these things down I can move on. I have some great EMDR meditations and one is called the "WISER YOU". I am trying to see a part of me in my mind that is the Wise Person who can give myself advice, learn to smooth myself, stop obsessing. Stop calling myself "stupid, dense, worthless" and al the other horrible names my dad called me growing up. It's a lifelong habit that has to stop cause I'm better then that.

Sorry for the rambling, but today was a good day. My 19yo granddaughter is coming over to spend the night and my wonderful husband is on his way to get her. I told my therapist yesterday I think if only my dad had once said to me "I'm so sorry I wasn't a better father" before he died 16 years ago it would have meant so much.

I'm done,
Thanks

 

[dulcia]

In my experiences with DV (not even close to what your mother went through), I never saw myself as a "victim". I guess that, in my head, I have an idea of what a victim looks like and acts like, and that I don't fit that description. As if I've detached myself from the DV in that way. Maybe your daughters don't automatically associate the more clinical side of DV they see at work with your much more personal connection to DV as their mother.

 

[Marymickaela]

I guess I have mixed emotions about my role. Although I developed Complex PTSD due to witnessing and experiencing the trauma of being trapped in life threatening situations on a daily basis beyond my control both at home and in school, molested by family members and possibly ganged raped at age 6, I also badgered my mom for not leaving my dad as a teenager. As I said at age 19 I filed assault and battery charges against dad (how dare I) so always felt I had fought back and broke the cycle of violence. Spent my life with so much rage at my dad (of course), but also my mom for staying.

Finally when I was 38 she developed terminal cancer and died at age 63. Suddenly none of that mattered and there was nothing unsaid between us when she died except love. I was still a damaged soul and it's only been recently due to EMDR therapy I've started to heal within.