Adult Relationships?

[xena21]

Being that it's around Valentine's Day, I always get thinking about ever being closer to other human beings. I'm 42 and have NEVER been in ANY relationship with any sex. I know I'm attracted to men just because that's the feeling I get when I see them (I'm a female), but I have never even been close to having a relationship.

I'm wondering if anyone else reading this over 40 or older adults have had this issue, where they have NEVER been in any relationship. I'm talking about EVER in their entire life. I've heard from people that have had a couple here and there, but I want to hear from people that are like me that are completely lost from relationships.

I feel like I'm completely ABNORMAL. How could a human being that is not a NUN or a Priest never have a sexual relationship, when they clearly want one? It's not like I am hidden in a cave. I have worked in male dominated fields much of my life, yet I have kept them away. I am dominant and defensive. I dare them to get near me. I am now medically retired at 42 because of PTSD ruling my life. I walk the streets daring people to confront me, wishing they would so I could hurt them. Of course I'm not going to ever have a relationship scaring men away. I am terrified of being close to people...ever since I was a kid. That's when it all started.

Obviously my abuse started when I was a young kid. My brain wasn't grown yet and I didn't learn things the right way, so now I know what I know from my own experiences. Do others get this?

I guess I'm just wondering if there are others in that same predicament?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Well.....Ok, so my situation is a bit....different, but I'll reply anyway.

I am in my mid 30's. I am CLUELESS when it comes to relationships. I've never been in an "official" relationship where I can say "he is my boyfriend". I can meet guys, connect with guys, talk to guys, even date guys....but it never goes any further. I know that part of it is me. Ok, a BIG part of it is me. I push away pretty much everyone. But, in my defense, most of them should have been pushed away because of all those darn red flags. (ie addictions, unchecked mental issues, etc)

I just don't know how to get to the point of being in a relationship. Then again, I don't know if my mind is ready to handle something like that or if I would just implode? So I'm "talking" to this guy right now and we have agreed to take things slow. He knows I'm dealing with a lot and that I have a number of things that I struggle with. There is something about him though....I know I scared him away with a bad fall episode. I thought he was gone for good, but he contacted me again last week, 4 months after we parted ways. I was a bit shocked to hear that he still thought about me all the time and wanted me back in his life. (Apparently I had a larger effect on him than I realized!) So that's what we're doing now, getting to know each other better and taking things as they come. I still have no clue how to get to the next level. In my mind it doesn't seem linear. (It SHOULD be linear!) That is, you go along and get to know someone, date them, etc. You have to jump over some sort of hurdle to get to official relationship status. Then from there you have to go over many more hurdles, such as engagement, marriage, etc. It feels like the bar is set so unreasonably high.

But yes, I never learned things the "right" way, only from my experiences (which are MAJORLY messed up). Thus, I don't know how things are supposed to be, what I'm supposed to do, what I'm supposed to feel, etc. It feels very foreign to me all around.

 

[xena21]

But yes, I never learned things the "right" way, only from my experiences (which are MAJORLY messed up). Thus, I don't know how things are supposed to be, what I'm supposed to do, what I'm supposed to feel, etc. It feels very foreign to me all around.

It sucks when we aren't shown anything and are supposed to find out on are own. I'm glad you are trying. That is a great thing, and very strong of you!! Thanks for sharing that. I appreciate it. I let my fear stop me so many times. I know relationships are a normal lifelong struggle, but I have been so afraid for so long that it seems insurmountable now. I am happy to see others try and fight against the fear.