Adult vs. Child

[RubyBlue]

I've not been around here long but I've noticed in my time here that people view the parent that only witnessed abuse differently depending on whether the child or absent parent is the one posting. It seems like quite a drastically different way of viewing things often by the same members. I'm curious why that is? Why isn’t that parent viewed the same way regardless of the situation?

 

[whiteraven]

Not sure what you mean by:

depending on whether the child or absent parent is the one posting.

I think in my case, I view my mom as much of a victim of abuse as I was. My dad had complete control of her.

 

[joeylittle]

I've noticed in my time here that people view the parent that only witnessed abuse differently depending on whether the child or absent parent is the one posting. It seems like quite a drastically different way of viewing things often by the same members. I'm curious why that is?

Can you break this down for me? I'm having a hard time following the question...

 

[RubyBlue]

Say person A posts. They are an adult who was in an abusive relationship and children were involved. If that person posts regarding difficult behavior of the children, the response seems to typically be very supportive to the parent and not so much towards the child with the difficult behavior. Like there is no accountability held for the parent.

But, if person B posts, say they are the child in the above situation. One parent was abusive to the family, the other stayed and the results are the child has PTSD now. The consensus is usually to support this person (child) and accuse both parents of abuse, one for actually perpetrating it and one for being complicit in it.

I’m just confused why there only seems to be accountability towards the parent if it’s the child posting.

I’m sure I’m making this way more confusing than it needs to be so feel free to disregard the question altogether.

 

[joeylittle]

Thanks.

Honestly? People are tending to support the poster and/or deal with their specific post. I don't tend to see anyone around here pull punches when it comes to abuse, though///

The consensus is usually to support this person (child) and accuse both parents of abuse, one for actually perpetrating it and one for being complicit in it.

Like there is no accountability held for the parent.

In both examples, the support is going to the person who was abused.

 

[grit]

I could be wrong but I think what you are touching is cultural phenomenon that I find awkward sometimes and the meaning of empathy.
In our culture, North America variety, the speaker is given precedence and validated because IMHO the feeling is to believe the person view point... We call this subjective experience. So the empathy of the listener is similar to the one of the therapist, I hear you were in difficult situation. You were paralysised and felt helpless... So let us take care of you.... Sort of mentality. This is fine by itself of course.

So plan b is the flipside... Now the child comes and gives her story. Of course in reality... We are not the same listener so we listen to the adult child and hear their side. Parent a was negligent while I was abused and parent a ignored parent b abusing me... The story goes.

Both story are probably true but different perspectives. The empathy part and a sign of healing is to acknowledge both perspectives as painful as they are.

One area that I find the culture lacks is maybe is if you try to relate the person who is not in front of you... That is pathology in again north America variety.

Mental health is as much cultural as food. I think you are recognizing your capacity to capture both scenerio and hold. I suppose you could see it as validating each subjective as it is while you hold how others in this subject life felt. Therapists do this all the time with us but as you see it it is hard to also stay with a subject that feels a victim while victimizing others.

I hope you allow yourself to hold both while you privilege your experience over.... Cause at the end that is you while you recover from whatever harm you experienced.

Not easy question so hope my answer makes sense.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

I see this happen a lot on the forum with all sorts of topics. People "supporting" the person posting with one topic and then saying the exact opposite in another thread, because the person who started that thread has the opposite problem.

I dunno. It's nice to be understanding, but I think it goes to far. It's like ppl are just saying "whatever" to make someone feel better, whether they believe it or not. It makes things sound not very credible/ honest/ genuine.

It's a weird dynamic.

 

[RubyBlue]

I see this happen a lot on the forum with all sorts of topics. People "supporting" the person posting with one topic and then saying the exact opposite in another thread, because the person who started that thread has the opposite problem.

I dunno. It's nice to be understanding, but I think it goes to far. It's like ppl are just saying "whatever" to make someone feel better, whether they believe it or not. It makes things sound not very credible/ honest/ genuine.

It's a weird dynamic.

That’s exactly what I mean. It makes it difficult to really listen when people are being supportive. Because my mom could easily come on here and get all kinds of support. But if I lay things out from my perspective she’ll be demonized.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

That’s exactly what I mean. It makes it difficult to really listen when people are being supportive. Because my mom could easily come on here and get all kinds of support. But if I lay things out from my perspective she’ll be demonized.

Yeah I know. I know it bothers other ppl on the forum too. When other ppl are being supportive to them, they feel like ppl are being fake and just saying "whatever they want to hear" and no longer trust the "support" they get.

Personally, I find it annoying rather than upsetting. I just steer clear of it as much as possible.

 

[RubyBlue]

Exactly. I’d much rather be called out for my behavior (I’ll fight back at first but I’ll thank you later) because how am I ever going to improve if I’m placated at every turn? If I come here upset because my kid is doing something I don’t agree with, I would fully expect to be called out for my part in what led my kid to do those things.

 

[Deleted member 47099]

Yup.

It happens with all sorts of topics here.

If someone is dealing with the fallout of someone close to them being an addict, they'll get lots of "addicts are terrible" type replies. If they are an addict themselves l, they'll get "you're a good person!!! it's just your addiction!!"

Or PTSD too. In the supporters section there's so much "a partner with PTSD is impossible to deal with". In the sufferer's section it's "no, of course you're not awful to your partner, it's just your PTSD!"

And definitely the parent/ child perspective re abusive sitiatons that you mentioned.

I think it's normal to have SOME bias depending on who is posting in which "role" and for ppl to see different sides/ perspectives if an issue.

But IMO it goes way too far here, making a lot of "support" sound like hollow words.

I too prefer ppl to be honest/ consistent and to call stuff out.

But everyone has different styles of interacting.

I guess maybe some ppl are really conflict adverse and feel unable to call things out?

Or maybe some ppl just have a different definition of "support" ?

I dunno.

I try and only listen to ppl who I know have a record of being honest about difficult topics.

 

[RubyBlue]

Ya, I think support with flowery words and such can be okay in some situations, and most likely if you aren’t especially close to the person you are supporting. But at some point doesn’t it cross into enabling or even codependency on some level? Because to be truly supportive you would need to have boundaries and keep perspective. I don’t know. I guess it isn’t a big issue because it’s an internet support group and no one “truly” knows anyone outside of here save for a few rare cases.