Relationship Advice? combat veteran wife... im tired of the secrets and lies.

[Random Meow]

Well if you decided to click on my post, Hello and welcome oh and Thank You! I'm new and was looking for a forum where i can seek help and do some much needed venting!!
This is different for me, i dont usually talk about myself to others well to anyone but i feel like im going to explode if i dont get some kind of advice or whatever...

Im a Military wife, been with my dude since the very beginning of his military career, straight out high school. The only guy i ever been with...
Its been about 6 years of marriage. active 4 yrs reserves 2 and he is considering reenlisting. Ive always supported my man and I'm very proud in what he has accomplished in life but he has hurt me so much along these years i dont think i can keep going by his side. People keep telling me its just that he has PTSD he can't control it.

I'm truly exhausted. Too many tears and heartache. and i know i deserve better but i always choose to stay with him.

But this time its different. My urge to leave is so much stronger than before. I think i FINALLY had enough. Every year since we've been married he has reached out to others... other females. i know im dumb for staying the first time but he's my baby. I couldn't muster up the strength to just leave.

He always makes sure he cover his tracks but i know him to well and i always seem to find out. You see, you go through all that trouble in hiding that fact you're being shady, so why do people want to blame PTSD for this type of behavior?

I recently went to my first counseling session due to my college professor noticing "changes". im so grateful to her i dont know what i wouldn't done. i was seriously tripping hard.

but i successfully finished that semester with a 4.0 despite my husband infidelities. 2 months later and he's at it again. Is it me? he can never explain his actions and yet i stay.

like i said im tired and finally done i just want some support and hopefully advice. Thanks for your time.

 

[Sighs]

Has he been diagnosed with PTSD by a medical professional? Is he getting treatment?

Cheating is not a symptom of PTSD. PTSD may cause anxiety, low self esteem, emotional numbness etc. But how the sufferer chooses to deal with those symptoms is up to them. Some drink, some exercise, some cheat. Its still their choice.

Leaving aside any mental health issues, nothing changes if nothing changes. Why would he stop cheating if you stand by him regardless?

 

[NoWhereKnowWhere]

This is an arse hole thing not a ptsd thing.

There's always an excuse for cheating, always. It's been so stressful at work, I just needed to feel like a woman again, she threw herself at me I'm only human. So on and so forth.

If he knows there's no repercussions if you're going to stay regardless he will probably keep doing it. You are so right you do deserve better.

 

[dulcia]

I have struggled with my vet hiding other females as well. I would say "in the past" but that might just be because I haven't been looking anymore. If I didn't want to deal with this, I should have left the first time I stumbled into a lie about another girl. But I didn't. So it's on me now to figure out how I can continue the relationship with navigating cheating concerns. Now that's not saying he's got shit to change, trust to earn, and promises to keep, but I can't do anything about him or what he needs to do. I can only change myself and my own actions, I can't change his, no matter how much I cry, yell, ignore, avoid, attempt to compromise or otherwise.

I'm sure someone will tell you about boundaries. I suck at them so I'll let you read about that from someone else. One thing my therapist told me when I was struggling after the last "other female conversation" I found out about was this -- you don't have to set boundaries you can't fulfill. For example, I felt like I HAD to leave after the last lie like that was what was expected of me and I didn't have another choice. She asked me, are you ready to leave the relationship? I said no. So why was my boundary that if he lied about another girl I would leave if I wasn't ready to follow through with that consequence?

Everything @Sighs says about cheating is spot on. And try to remember what being cheated on can do to you and your self esteem in the long run. Sucks to doubt yourself purely because your partner is unable to manage or cope with their own issues.

 

[Random Meow]

@Sighs He's been diagnosed through the Army but they just give him numbers and leave it to him to reach out for help. He is a very stubborn guy and when i bring it up he gets aggravated or brushes it off.
That explains why he does the things he does i guess he is just dealing with it...
I know he not receiving consequences toward his actions, im aware of that. i just dont know where to start?! (Thanks for responding)

@NoWhereKnowWhere Honestly, i wish he made up an excuse for his shit actions then my mind would stop coming up with excuses for him and blaming myself. You are right, i need to do something about it, my bad attitude towards him and the situation isnt enough... I want my better. (Thanks for responding)

@tiredtexan I can relate to you so much... i've tried to ignore it and not look but i just have to know. Resulting in a deeper hole in my heart and a greater hate for everything else. ha (Thanks for responding)

All this stress and awful emotions had taken such a toll on my body. Trying to cope "in my ways" really F'd me up. I really hate the person i've become but where do i start. My life was all about him... i catered to this dude. i sacrificed school, my freedom and other relationships to keep our relationship happy and strong but it all seemed to backfire.

 

[nursenurse]

Been awhile since I have posted much of anything, but I am going to say what I am thinking, take what you want and leave the rest.

Both you and @tiredtexan need to face the sunlight. It's not your PTSD guys that need to isolate, it is the both of you who need to go somewhere on your own for a long time and think really hard and seriously by yourselves about why it is you put up with all this horse manure that you call loving relationships. Get a grip. These are nothing short of abusive, one sided facades of anything but well balanced, meaningful relationships.

Quit doubting yourselves and making your lives all about these single entities in your lives. The most important person in your lives is not those life suckers who bed hop and share what is considered to be the most intimate, life affirming and loving act that should be reserved for the person they purport to love with every v*gina they meet.

The most important person in your lives is you, the individual, beautiful women that you are, and until you accept that and make yourselves your priorities, you both will be destined for more of the misery and heart ache that has come your way thus far. Life is too short.

Therapy, for you. Removal from the situation, for you. Learning to like yourselves, love yourselves and take care of yourselves. Decide what you want and need from life. Because I promise you what you are going through will become stale and destructive, and will affect every fibre of your being, of your lives, unless you are able to come to terms, and demand better for yourselves. Because you deserve better. Your men will either try, or not. But there is a good life out there even if it means losing them temporarily or forever.

 

[anonymous]

Oh @nursenurse! I am not the OP or @tiredtexan but I wish I knew how to take your advice and make myself a priority in my own life.

My earliest memories are being told to sublimate my own needs and wants in order not to upset others - and by others I mean males. Despite the fact that my mother describes herself as a feminist she never made any attempt to hide the fact that my brother was her favourite child. Deferring to him and my father came as naturally as breathing.

 

[Random Meow]

@nursenurse i know i can come up with many reasons why i dont want to leave him but i know its time. I never actually confirmed if he had sex with someone else. I came across texts, pics, and profiles but My trust is gone.

Its scary because this is all deja vu. My dad did this to my mom but it got super ugly. Surprisingly they're still together (30 sum yrs now, i dont keep track of bs) but my mom has suffered so much. Shes an alki and messed with hard drugs. Us kids would wish for them to get a divorce. I dont want to end up like her. i dont want to loathe my husband.
He still is one of the best things that happened to me.

 

[LuckiLee]

Hi there. So sorry you're going through this! But cheating isn't a symptom of PTSD. You deserve better!!

When I was struggling to leave my ex husband (he didn't cheat or have PTSD he was just an ass) it was scary. I was never on my own. I went from my parents house to his so I was nervous about being on my own.

We didn't have kids so I kept thinking why the hell am I still here? I'm miserable! What helped me was to think about the women in wheel chairs with children who we're brave enough to leave their situation. If they could do it so could I. And I did.

Just think about the brave women who came before us who left physically abusive relationships with small children. We are stronger than we think. You can do this.

Believe me I put up with alot of crap from my veteran. But I would never tolerate cheating!! Even emotional cheating. What if he didn't have PTSD would you put up with this BS?

Good luck with everything we're here when you need us.

 

[EveHarrington]

@nursenurse i know i can come up with many reasons why i dont want to leave him...

Hi,

I'm concerned that there is a "sex" line, as if other kinds of cheating aren't as bad because it's not sex.

This is honestly a completely foreign concept to me. I don't bond over sex. Sex is purely about pleasure to me. And, it's nothing special considering sex happens about 1x10 to the trillionth power every day. (Gross underestimate.) What IS special? An intimate bond. You can't get that just anywhere. And this is why it blows my mind that the intimacy with another can be forgiven, but sex is the "do not pass go, do not collect $200" line....

 

[Sunshine0930]

I found pictures and messages between my combat veteran and a women he met on Instagram about 4 months ago. He never met this women in person, but I still think about it all the time. We went to couples counseling and that helped some, but I don't think I will ever get over it. Most days I feel numb and sad. I still can't believe it happened. He has always been difficult, and our entire relationship has always been all about him, but I never thought he would do that. Now I don't trust anything anymore. I hate feeling this way. I don't know how anyone does that to someone who stands by you through everything and bends over backwards for you. Anyway so sorry you are going through this. You definitely deserve better.

 

[Random Meow]

Hi @leehalf Thank you. I appreciate you sharing your story with me. I tell myself the same thing... "why am i with this fool?" We dont have kids. however, I am scared to make the move. i dont want him to do something stupid. He gets into these rages where he blacks out. (when he drinks alcohol) im the only one that can calm him down. His mom cant, even the Army couldn't control him. I care too hard :(
He messed up so much in the past and now is in so much debt. i cant leave him with such a load. this has been such a long week.

@EveHarrington You're right, intercourse or not he is longing for other attention. I hate obsessing in what he is up to. The messed up thing is i told him about my trust issue before we started dating and the root of my troubles. yet he went along and broke that trust we had. Its seems intentional. i feel ill just thinking about it.

@Sunshine0930 Thank you, you deserve better too, im sorry you are going through this. People suck man.
I thought about couples counseling but i dont think it'll work. Are you still doing it? F'ing with Trust... a hard thing to give this day and age. Everyone plays too many games. stepping all over for those who stay true and loyal. I feel like he knows i wont leave because he is all i have. Sad thing is im falling back into his arms...