General Im dating an ex marine combat veteran-need some advice pls?

[Sighs]

Be very careful about having children with a combat veteran with untreated PTSD. I say that as the child of a combat veteran with untreated PTSD (and the partner of a combat veteran with treated PTSD.) Feel free to PM if you would like.

 

[Deleted member 45360]

That's what everyone is trying to tell you. You can't make him happy. He needs a trauma therapist and a...

Thank you fo your reply

 

[LuckiLee]

Read through the supporters section. There's so many stories just like yours. Go slow and give him his space. And reeeeeaaaallly think about this. A PTSD relationship is very difficult. An untreated PTSD relationship is my deal breaker. J and I work together through this. No way would I do it alone while he avoided everything.

 

[Freida]

Oh good God child RUN!!!!

Ok - I'm going to be a bit harsh --- but there are so many holes in this story it looks like swiss cheese

The first time he just told me he was a marine( super drunk)

Once a marine always a marine. If he's hiding that he was marine there is a problem. Those kids are like a cult. I also wonder with the rest if he truly served. It's the "only talking while drunk" part that is the red flag. Sure, there are some things people don't talk about unless they are totally wasted, but there should be some kind of conversation about where he spent his time

what ptsd suffering veterans need in a relationship for it to function well?

THERAPY Not love, not hope, not wishes. Therapy - sometimes years of it. Meds when necessary. Time to heal - sometimes years

He dissapears sometimes for weeks without texting me.

Its called ghosting and a lot of us do it. You won't change that. Not gonna happen. So be prepared for him to bail every time the kid has colic, the bills need to be paid, he has problems at work, he has problems with you. Accept that if you have kids with this guy you are going to be a single mom.

He hates when I bring up the future and ask him whats the plan for us. Im ready to settle and have babys, but he seems to hate the topic of future.

Ask me about the future and I'll look at you like you are speaking Chinese, because I have no idea what happens after today. It's pretty common for people with PTSD to have shortened life expectancy. That means they don't think in terms of the future because they don't think they will have one. It also means something as simple as making plans for a vacation in 6 months can be a huge pain in the ass. Any further out than that? I'm just telling you what I think you want to hear because I can't think that far out.

He isolates, dissapears, flakes on plans to meet, gives me excuses why he can meet. It

yep - welcome to life with PTSD. Whats concerning here is that you don't realize This Will NOT Change Without Therapy

He's bossy and rude sometimes and needs constant control, but he has such a good heart.

Yes, some people with PTSD are major control freaks. And yes, they can get bossy and rude. They can also be flat out mean and unpredictable and hateful. He might have a good heart tucked away some where - but the reality is this is how your life will be.
This Will NOT Change Without Therapy

I started to do research about his behaviors, and emotional numbness and isolation.

Research is nice. Diagnosis needs a professional Reading about things in a book doesn't equal what is going on in his head. Until a therapist helps him figure out whats wrong there are several mental illness that can appear like ptsd. They just are not as trendy

My question and concern really was about how to make a man with ptsd happy in the relationship?

You can't. Even those of us that are working our asses off to get better, with the support of our people, struggle every day.

What does a guy with ptsd need to feel good when in relationship?

To not have PTSD
This Will NOT Change Without Therapy

I broke up with him couple times. He started chasing me then hard

Yep - because adrenaline is an antidote to ptsd for some.

I just wanted to have a talk about where this is going and if we want the same things after dating for a year. I cant waste my time if he doest think Im the one.

I'm afraid that you are looking at this with a romanticized picture where you are going to swoop in and save the poor wounded solider with a good heart, help him recover from PTSD and go on happily into the sunset. Guess what? Not gonna happen

If he is not willing to get help you can't make him. Plain and simple. You aren't going to change him. You can't fix him. You can't make him happy. If he was willing to get treatment you can support him. But have you wondered yet why he doesn't want to? Because it is hard, horrible, depressing, awful work that sucks up your entire life and impacts everything in your world

And from a sufferer - You need to ask yourself if you are willing to stay with the guy you have NOW and stop trying to change him into what you think he should be. That's insulting. He is who he is. Take him or leave him. Get out of the fantasy and into the real world. This is life with PTSD and it doesn't go away no matter how much you love him. If we are very, very lucky and do lots of therapy our symptoms will get better because we will manage them better. But they don't go away completely. It's more like remission -- which means it comes back

I don't want you to think you can't have a relationship with this guy. I just want you to take a minute and remember what YOUR goals and expectations are. It seems like you are so focused on saving him that you have forgotten you do have a say in what you want out of this.

 

[Deleted member 45360]

Oh good God child RUN!!!!

Ok - I'm going to be a bit harsh --- but there are so many holes in this stor...

Wow. Thank you for your detailed reply. I appreciate the bluntness. Good to know all this info. Much love to you

 

[Never_falter2]

I think @Chlowe Girl is having my six here because I think i was the one who suggested she wrote „make him happy“... on her profile post she wrote she wanted Tokyo’s what he needed is a relationship for it to function but somehow I did read she wanted to know what Vet needed to „function“ and thought that she would get dissed here when she spoke of a Vet in terms of functioning. So sorry.

BTW my Vet says me and the kids make him happy, we do not cure his PTSD but we make him happy (and he and the kids make me happy! At least most of the times).

 

[Deleted member 45360]

I think @Chlowe Girl is having my six here because I think i was the one who su...

Please share with us some of the things from your vet, how do you and what you do, that make him happy while in relationship?

 

[Freida]

so as a vet -- one thing my hubby does that helps (not sure if it makes me happy? but it helps, which I guess makes me happier?) is that he gives me space when I need it. Example: I just booked airline tickets to visit my bestie in Denver in Feb. We really couldn't afford it, but he knows that time of the year is tough for me and that traveling is my my strongest (maladaptive) coping skill. So he lets me go without drama - just a kiss at the airport when he drops me off and a kiss when he picks me up. That freedom to come and go makes me happy in our relationship because we identified it as something I need and he doesn't make me feel badly about it.

 

[Deleted member 45360]

so as a vet -- one thing my hubby does that helps (not sure if it makes me happy? but it helps, which I...

Oh thats a great advice. Thank you. My vet booked a trip to go see his friend for 2 weeks during Christmas and New Years. Fist I was so sad and upset, it was supposed to be our first holidays together. But you've helped me to understand maybe thats what he needs most To cope and that maybe its really hard for him too during holidays. Your story was inspiring, Im taking notes, to give him hes freedom of traveling with understanding why he's leaving during holidays.
Thank you

 

[Never_falter2]

I‘d like to give a disclaimer here just like @Neverthesame does: I am not a relationship coach and I do not know your Vet. There is a fair chance that my advice is lousy. So I ask more questions than give advice here... but let’s give it a try.

You mention his buddies. For a lot of Vets and a lot of men friendship means a lot. So I think it is important to treat his friends (and even those of your friends that you do not like) with respect and encourage him to see his friends (of course only if they are not bad for him like druggies).
To my Vet it is important to have somebody to talk about the things that interest him. Some of those things are very unusual. He likes to learn Quenya and Sindarin. Two fictional languages spoken by just as fictional Elves... but he likes it... and he likes to talk about it and likes the fact I show some interest.
He is into history and re-enactment (historical reenactment not trauma re-enactment and mostly „giving the impression“ of civvies during times of peace. Well one of the „Impressions he likes to give“ is actually a Knight but the time of medical knights was long ago. I do not understand why there are Vietnam Vets who like to reenact Vietnam war, isn‘t that a bit like trauma re-enactment?). It makes him happy he can talk with him about history and I have some basic knowledge about what he is talking a out. He likes to sew historical costumes for me and it makes him happy to see me wearing it. Like him I am an reenactor just not so much into it. I think it makes him happy we have this in common. I think hobbies make Vets happy... Make sure your Vet has enough time for your hobby or help him find on.
A lot of Vets have told me working out/sports/jogging makes them happy and helps them to blow off steam. Give him time for sports and if he currently does not do sports encourage him to do so.
It is often the little things that make a Vet happy. For example: We went for a trip with a car, hubby had packed the lunch and the drinks and I secretly took a thermos jug with his favourite tea... when we took a rest and I gave him some tea, he said I made him so happy.
To sum it up: I think it is I important for the Vet that he feels respected and loved as a person. In addition you can try and learn something about PTSD. There is a book called „Once a Warrior, Always a Warrior“ which I like to recommend.
In addition it is good to know the most common triggers... such as crowds, loud noises, construction sites, fireworks, having people in their back, everything Common in the place they served, Christian holidays, dirt, chaos, certain smells such as fuel BBQ, cigarettes, fuel, burned smells such as popcorn, smell of fresh gras. That is the most common triggers I can think of but of course every Vet has individual triggers and not every Vet has all of them.

So like I said. I am not sure if that is good advice. I would like to hear about the „sufferers“ opinions.