Relationship Dating a great girl with PTSD - Need some advice on what I should do

[dcb2410]

I wish you well. I went through this and got sudden shutdown. No one had loved her in the way I did. It came to an abrupt and unexplainable end. A hurtful end. My strong view is that if she can’t engage in meaningful counselling it will end badly for you

Probably not what you want to hear but I had no idea that the thousands of messages of eternal love could turn to such complete emotional shutdown so quickly. Look after your own emotional needs. The shutdown can come out of nowhere and you can spend years trying to rationalise it.

 

[Sweetpea76]

The shutdown can come out of nowhere and you can spend years trying to rationalise it.

If somebody spends years dwelling over a breakup, no matter how it ended, that is their own personal issue. That is not healthy at all on their part.

 

[dcb2410]

actually dont agree. people who rush from relationship to relationship perhaps have issues. i know that psychiatrists who deal with trauma often tell people to take a long time out from relationships. does not mean its unhealthy to self analyse for some time. rushing off to the next best thing is often dangerous.

and in my case my ex was still dealing with the suicide of her ex partner years later. not unnatural for her to still be dealing with that. it still resulted in triggers. just as any major trauma would have an impact on your life. one shouldn't judge grief by time, but impact nor should someone belittle the experience of someone else's trauma, when you have not walked a step in their shoes.

 

[Ronin]

@dcb2410

You DO realize issues with bad break ups & those of relationships involving things like DV, suicides, other grave harm or threats of...

Are just not the same kind of relationships, yes?

Not wanting to speak for Sweetpea but I very much think she is well aware of these differences & posts her advice as correct reading the situation.

 

[LuckiLee]

No one was belittling anyone's trauma. We don't do that here.

Are you saying a breakup is traumatic? Breakups are painful but they are not traumatic. And to spend years trying to rationalize a breakup, that's on them. That isn't the PTSD partners fault. There are other issues going on for them than a breakup.

✌

 

[dcb2410]

when there's no rational explanation it can play on people's minds for some time. can result in them not wanting to engage in another relationship for a long time. that's all i am saying.

rushing off to find another relationship when the past one was the one in which you were told you were a soulmate and believed it, because to felt it to your core, and didn't understand the breakup other in the context of the other person's trauma experience... well of course it takes some time to get over and not racing out finding some replacement or a fix... well it's easy to ruminate, particularly if you have had yourself some past traumas. let's not pretend to understand each other's circumstances unless you have walked a day in their shoes. i think it more a mistake to run off to find the next shiny thing than to grieve something you felt an important relationship.

 

[ladee]

I don't know if this will help @dcb2410, but there is really nothing 'rational' about PTSD. Nothing. It doesn't make sense to us that have it, much less to people who want to be part of our lives.

Your partner was triggered. You may never know what or why. Someone at the grocery store could have done the same thing to her. But she wasn't in a relationship with them. And you are hurt. We have never minimized your pain.

What we will keep saying to you is this... the only thing you can do at this point is to try and find ways to heal from this pain. You will never find a RATIONAL reason for her choice.

It made sense to her. And if you really love her, then at some point you will know it is time to let go. And yes, it will take time.

I do 'irrational' things every single day, according to the society I live in. In my private PTSD world, it makes sense to ME. You will never understand that because you do not have PTSD. You may learn to understand PTSD, but not always the individual that has it.

Just as she needs to get help for understanding herself and her choices, you will need to find a way to understand yourself and the choices you are making.

I feel I can speak for us that have PTSD, we do wish you the best on your healing journey. You have to focus on you. We can't put it any more plain than that.

@dcb2410 I want to ask you a question. You don't have to answer me or anyone here. Just something for you to think about.

Why are you getting upset with US? Whether we have PTSD or are supporters?

THIS seems irrational to ME. Sorry, not trying to hurt your feelings here. It seems you are not hearing what we are sharing with you. What do you need from us? IF you can get clear about that, maybe we can help.

 

[ladee]

@GTR38 sorry if your post got derailed. Hope things shared here will still help you. It's complicated. Relationships with us are complicated.

You sound like you are trying to educate yourself about PTSD and that will help a lot. Hope you utilize the supporter section. Some very awesome people there who understand and will help if they can.

Wishing you the best.

 

[dcb2410]

i'm not getting upset at you. just saying that we need to allow people to grieve in their own time. ive had my own traumas in life. if it takes me a week or years to start over, that's for me. i dont expect people with ptsd to put their own traumas behind them in weeks or months. if i think it will take me longer than perhaps what others might seem noraml to grieve an important relationship, or frankly even take time to process it, given whats happening right now in the world that's for me. cant treat people i care about as disposable.

 

[Ronin]

Maybe consider...

Her actions weren't irrational. They probably make sense. At least to her.

But that isn't the part that's the actual issue you can and should focus on, now. The part you can do something with is your reactions. Not of someone you are no longer in a relationship with.

Furthermore, she is not in your life, stalking you or any of the crazy shit people on these forums frequently have to consider.

Makes her even less a puzzle to solve. She's not in your life, the chaos and broken heart and grief are internal.

 

[ladee]

I get it @dcb2410 and I do understand the grieving process. And we all grieve differently. And that's ok too.

You do have support here. We DO hear you. But there is a very important 'rule' here. To take what we need and leave the rest. If someone says something we are offended by or get defensive, either ignore it or give yourself time to calm down to reply.

With those of us with PTSD, if we didn't follow that 'rule' we would be springing on each other all day depending on what was going on with us. So be gentle with yourself. You don't have to defend yourself with us. Take what you need and leave the rest. It's your healing journey. Do what is right for you.

I'm going to send you a hug because I have an extra one. Take care.

 

[dcb2410]

wow. said a few words in hope of supporting poster of this page and then get psychoanalysed over a few words. honestly dont need people coming piling in.