General Advice For Someone Very New To Ptsd Support

[loowis]

Hello everyone, new member here.

In the past four months I have grown physically and emotionally intimate with a girl diagnosed with PTSD. She has has opened up to me in a way that has surprised both her and me, but there are of course still things she keeps private. I am completely ok with that, though it did take me some introspection to realize that her choice to be private is not a kind of commentary on my character, and that even though she shuts me out sometimes, I trust and care for her enough to let her keep those moments to herself. I believe that she truly cares for me as well, and with that knowledge I can let her take moments of anxiety and panic at whatever pace she needs.

My reason for this post is related to these moments however, as in some moments of intimacy or interaction she has suddenly been seized by fear for reasons I did not fully understand at the time, and though they often had nothing to do with me, a few times I have unintentionally been the cause of these feelings. It is always my initial thought in these moments to ask what is wrong, and to attempt to talk her back to normalcy, but I have since learned this is not a good immediate solution for her. Instead now I try to ask her what I can do to be helpful, and do that thing as best as possible, even when it is to leave her apartment immediately so she can feel safe. These moments are still extremely difficult for me however, and despite having this knowledge and logical sense about our relationship I still feel very upset at myself when these moments of unintentional triggering occur. Does anyone have any thoughts on how to handle these moments for myself when I am waiting for her to reach out to me to talk about how she feels and what happened?

 

[Renestel]

Hi loowis-

First off-welcome. You're an awesome guy for searching for things rather than just shrugging your shoulders or turning your back. I should probably have my husband answer this question, because I'm the one in your girlfriends position, but I have done two and half years of therapy for this and still going so I will apply all I can while trying to give you her perspective she may not be able to tell you at the moment.

First off- DO NOT convince yourself that her choosing to be private is a commentary on your character. Anyone can be a saint and she is at the point where she is a pit bull who's been left outside, chain around her neck, beaten, freezing temperatures, neglected. Her chain is off now and she is lashing out in defense. ANY one who gets close to her will be subject to lashing out. She is also most likely getting triggered during intimacy, I literally will have split second flash backs and I used to all the sudden stop and get in a fetal position and start sobbing. You can't be upset at yourself or blame yourself that it is YOU personally that these are happening... it will happen no matter who. My therapist strongly suggested just laying off sex for a while. She also said something that put things in a very different perspective which I never thought about nor wanted to: as hard as it is to hear for both of you, when you are intimate with someone active in sexual trauma, when you guys are intimate theoretically everyone that hurt her is in the room. Let that soak up for a while and you will see why she is getting so distraught. Guys don't love hearing that, but if you are serious about this gal, even if you are telling her no on intimacy for a bit she will one day trust you like no one else. Also, this will be VERY touchy, but if you can figure out a way to very softly suggest counseling./therapy even if you volunteer yourself a few times to go at the beginning, I think it is very critical for her. Good luck and the biggest key is BE PATIENT with her. This will be a process. :hug:

 

[loowis]

Hi loowis-

First off-welcome. You're an awesome guy for searching for things rather than just shrugg...

Thanks for your reply Renestel!

You mentioning "when you guys are intimate theoretically everyone that hurt her is in the room" was very powerful, and was in some ways a new thought to me. She has alluded to those sorts of feelings before, but I never considered it in exactly the way you just stated. I think you are correct though; she has alluded to every past serious relationship having physical abuse, which makes your statement very relevant. This makes me think that moving forward it will be very important for me to give her reason to trust and to discern me as a unique person she has not experienced abuse from. How does that sound to you?

Also, she has already been going to therapy for the better part of a year I believe, and it has been tremendously helpful, so thank you for the advice but luckily it is unneeded in this situation. :)

 

[Renestel]

That's GREAT news she is in therapy, that's a big move for many. Just as I said, just be patient that even you being a person giving her reasons to trust and see you as unique, there is a time frame where unfortunately the damage that has been done makes everyone appear like enemies at one time or another with PTSD. It will pop up at random times. Have you looked on the supporter section of this PTSD forum? That may become really helpful to you?